One day, just before I entered high school, my dad bought me a nice sweater, saying he'd received a bonus. I gasped when I saw the price tag, but he laughed heartily and said it wasn't a waste of money to spend on his only son.
"My son. As I thought, it suits you well!"
"Really? I think it's a bit big."
"It's good to wear big clothes while you're still growing. I had a sudden growth spurt when I was in high school."
Didn't my dad say he met my mom in high school and that it was love at first sight? I vaguely remember the story because I heard it when I was young but didn't ask. I didn't want to ruin the mood on such a happy day by talking about my mom.
Even after my comment, my dad said I was handsome and good-looking. As he was in the middle of praising me, he suddenly took out his cell phone.
"Hm, I don't know this number…."
"Answer it anyway, just in case."
"I guess. I'll be right back."
My dad left and went into the living room to answer the phone as I checked my appearance in front of the mirror. Although the sweater was a bit big, it looked neat because it was new, just like Dad said. However, there must be a real reason why I gave a luxury sweater as a gift to someone who mostly wears plain clothes. Maybe he was worried that the kids at school would comment that I grew up inadequately since I was raised in a single-parent household.
"I don't really care about that…."
I took a deep breath and tidied up my appearance. It was at that moment that strange letters appeared before my eyes.
['Destined to Die' has been transferred from awakened individual Yuyeon Lee.]
Yuyeon Lee. It was a name I couldn't forget, no matter how hard I tried. Yuyeon Lee was the name of my mother. But… what does 'destined to die' mean? The moment I carefully raised my hands and placed them on the words in front of me, I immediately found out their meaning.
Those who receive this curse will die in 10 years.
Until then, no matter what you do, you will be unable to die.
And at the moment of death, the curse will be passed on to the person you love the most.
"…..Passed on?"
A curse that my mom had… was transferred to me. That could only mean one thing.
"Dad."
When I entered the living room, my father, who'd been staring blankly into space, quickly turned to me. His eyes were unfocused on his pale face. It was the face of someone who'd fallen into the deepest depths of despair. Even if I tried to pretend not to know, I couldn't.
"Did mom… pass away?"
"How did you….?"
My dad couldn't hide his flustered face and eventually covered his mouth.
"No way. It's not…. Hajae. It's not you, right?"
I couldn't exactly hear what he was asking, but I sensed what was happening and remained silent. Then, my father collapsed on the floor, shedding the tears he'd been holding back.
"It can't be. Yuyeon-ah, you promised to give it to me…"
It was a desperate cry.
"You were supposed to love me more, not Hajae!"
Only then did I realize it. My mom had abandoned the family, so why did my father never go after her? Why didn't he hate her?
I knew why he looked hurt whenever I said I didn't like Mom.
My mom left home to prevent the curse from being passed on to me, to try to forget me as her son and to stop loving me.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Hajae."
The sound of his forced swallowing of sobs rang in my ears, and the hand holding my shoulder trembled unsightly. My dad, who always put on a strong front, cried in front of me for the first time. But I wasn't sad. Not because I wasn't sad about the death of my mother, who'd left when I was seven.
"Dad. I'm okay."
I was the person my mom loved the most before she died. It made me happy to know that.
"Really… I'm okay."
It felt like salvation. My mom didn't leave me because she hated me or thought I was a burden; she left because she truly loved me. And my mom's curse came to me because she couldn't forget me even after ten years.
'Hajae. Mom is leaving because she loves you.'
The words she uttered as she left me were not a contradiction but the complete truth.
From that day on, I brought out each remaining trace of my mom that I'd locked away in my attempt to erase her memory. When reorganizing the house where she'd lived alone, I hoped to find a will, but my dad flatly said there wasn't one. So, I carefully placed her remaining items in a drawer.
A week passed like that. I didn't mind, even though my father's eyes were occasionally filled with sadness when he looked at me. Above all, the guarantee that I would die in ten years didn't seem real. Rather, it was amazing to be able to try exercise and see that the asthma that had prevented me from exerting myself since I was young had disappeared.
"Dad, why are you acting like you're a criminal? We can just be happy that I won't have to go to the hospital now."
"Hajae."
"I don't think this is a curse."
I intentionally tried to smile more brightly, but the shadow on my dad's face did not disappear. I knew that no parent wanted to bury their child. Even so, I thought it'd be enough to live together happily with my dad for at least ten years.
But unfortunately, life didn't go as planned.
"What…? A hospital…?"
Tragedy struck once again. It's said that for a happily married couple, when one of them passes away, the remaining spouse would follow them, passing away not long afterward.
As if to prove the theory, ten days after my mom passed away, my dad got into a car accident. When I heard the news and rushed to the hospital, my dad was broken beyond recognition.
After barely holding my hand, my father exhaled heavily and managed to speak.
"Beside the bed…the dresser. …Forgive me, Hajae."
That was the last time. I was in shock at the sight of my dad passing away right before my eyes, but the moment the staff covered his face with a white cloth, all kinds of emotions poured out.
Please don't leave me alone. Let me go, too. I'll die, too. However, less than three seconds after saying those words, I realized.
My reality is that I can't die. And hell will unfold for me over the next ten years.
"…..I'm home."
When I returned home after the funeral, I found a small envelope when I opened the dresser.
[To my beloved son,]
It was my mother's handwriting, with her uniquely elongated vowels. Dad said there was no will, but it turned out that he'd been hiding it all this time. I opened the letter, hoping to find out the last words she'd left for me.
However,
[Haejae. I'm sorry.]
The letter started with an apology,
[And if you truly love someone, please don't love them.]
With painful regret,
[Give up… as soon as possible. That's the last piece of advice your mom can give you.]
All that remained was a warning.
There is probably no one who has never imagined the death of their parents. I was the same way. I vaguely wondered what it would be like if they died someday. I also worried about how sad it would be for me as I continued to live. But it wasn't as sad as I thought when it came down to it.
It doesn't feel real.
It seems like my dad will open that front door and come in at any moment. When he saw me lying on the cold floor, he'd say that I was going crazy. I even smell the stew that my dad used to boil every morning in the kitchen as he put all the vegetables from the refrigerator into it.
But no one was beyond that door. No one was coming back. The moment the reality we'd never meet again hit me, the empty feeling inside me started to become suffocating.
I only regret not being able to do better while I was alive. Sadness took a backseat.
It felt like I was in a dream as all the things I couldn't handle were coming at me all at once. I hoped I would wake up quickly, but as several days passed, nothing changed. Isn't it truly a terrible nightmare?
Then, one day, a text message arrived on my dad's cell phone.
[I haven't seen you much these days. Is everything ok?]
It was Father Peter, the reverend who'd always taken care of our family. Only then did the things I'd forgotten start to resurface one by one: school, the orphanage, the priests, the children, and…Sang Heo.
I raised my head and looked at the calendar. Today is exactly ten days since I last visited the orphanage. I hope he's doing well. He must've been very worried because I disappeared without saying a word.
As I thought about how Sang had been waiting for me day and night, I finally found the strength to move. It'd been a long time since I showered and ate something. The kimchi and spinach that had already spoiled had no taste whatsoever.
After barely avoiding appearing like a homeless person, I headed to the cathedral.
"Teacher!"
Sang came running from far away and hugged me. He seems a little bigger since I last saw him. No, maybe I'm just weaker and shabbier. It'd been so long since I felt the warmth of another person that I remained still for a long time.
Then Sang spoke worriedly.
"What happened?"
I laughed hard, holding back the tears that threatened to burst out.
"I was a little busy because it was exam period."
"Did you do well on your exams?"
"Of course."
My lips were trembling, and my voice was quiet. Anyone could see that it's a lie. But Sang didn't pry. He spoke sweetly, rubbing my back with his calm hand as if he knew everything.
"Didn't you miss me?"
At that moment, my heart sank. I realized that I could never go back to my normal life again. Okay. This feeling constricting my heart is not excitement at all. It can't be excitement. It could no longer be exciting. This is probably fear.
"Teacher?"
"Oh, yeah. I missed you. Of course."
Sang smiled shyly and held the hem of my clothes tightly.
"I missed you too."
Looking into those soft black eyes made me feel sick. Why didn't I notice it sooner? The way I look at that child and the way that child looks at me are the same.
No, it would've been better if I'd never noticed.
'You, haven't found someone you like… have you?'
Now I understand why my dad asked me so interrogatively.
'It can't be. Yuyeon-ah, you promised to give it to me…'
'You were supposed to love me more, not Hajae!'
It wasn't foxtails that were tickling my chest all along, it was parasites. Without me knowing, they consumed my heart and completely coiled themselves up. I should've realized that youth is a luxury and gotten rid of it long ago.
'If you truly love someone, please don't love them.'
Right away.
****