Contrary to my worries that it might become awkward after that, Sang acted as usual. In fact, we became closer. Sang, who had completely let down his guard, treated me like his older brother and depended on me.
Was that the problem? These days, when I think about that kid, I feel strangely nauseous. It was very different from motion sickness. I keep smiling as if someone is tickling my insides with foxtails. Every day, as I walk down the street, I look forward to the days I volunteer and think about what I'll do next with that kid.
At one point, I was so wrapped up in my thoughts about him at school that I didn't even notice the soccer ball flying towards me until it hit me head-on. Even though my head was pounding and my nose was bleeding, I just laughed like an idiot. The class president, who witnessed it, twitched the corner of his mouth and poked me in the side.
"Hey, do you like someone?"
I'd woken up with a bloody tissue stuck up my nose and…
Ah, that was the foxtail that was bothering me.
At first, I just wanted to comfort a lonely child. But now he was actually comforting me. Sang Heo was why I could finally look forward to another day after enduring days that were dull and nights that were lonely.
Okay. It was from then. I'd wanted all the children at the orphanage to be happy, but the moment I thought about how I wanted that child to be happy 'by my side' and how I wanted to be the reason he smiled, it was from then. I wish I were in Sang-ee's future.
I never knew why I had such selfish feelings.
"Wow. I guess it's true!"
As I blinked blankly, the class president slapped me and started making a fuss.
"Ooohhhhh, who is it? Which class?"
"…They don't go to our school."
"Where'd you meet?"
We met at a cathedral on a cliff with rolling waves. He was sitting alone under a sunny window in a quiet classroom. At first, I thought he'd prick up like a wary stray cat, but before I knew it, he was following only me around.
"After school academy? Your neighborhood?"
"It's a secret."
Only me. Me alone.
"You're being so secretive. They pretty?"
"…They're pretty, of course."
"With a nice body?"
"Hm?"
"I'm asking if she's got a nice rack!"
"….A nice rack?"
Suddenly, I was speechless. Ah. The class president definitely thinks the person I like is a girl. Okay, that was natural. Maybe I'm weird, but it doesn't matter.
At sixteen, I was so excited at the thought of liking someone for the first time. Of course, I didn't want to mess up our routine, so I didn't reveal it to Sang.
"Well, it's unfortunate, but…. this time, too…"
As usual, we played chess and had trivial conversations.
"Checkmate."
I was always the one who won.
"How do you always win?"
Sang, who'd been looking at the chessboard for a long time as if he were playing a game, asked in a sighing voice. Honestly, in terms of chess skills alone, Sang had already surpassed me. But I had a foolproof way to win.
"I know your habits."
"My habits?"
"Yes. I just observe you, and I can figure out your next move and keep winning."
"What are my habits?"
"Haha, I can't tell you. That's how I win."
He would deny it, but Sang had several habits that only appeared when playing chess.
First, when moving a knight, he places it between his index and middle finger. Watching the hand move nimbly to catch my knight, it looks like a bird snatching a fish from the water's surface. And when he's sure he'll win, he unconsciously taps the chessboard twice. When he does that, I know to move my king quickly to avoid being trapped by a dangerous move.
"Didn't I tell you that if you understand your opponent in chess, you'll definitely win?"
I raised the corner of my lip in a sly smile, but Sang shook his head, unable to understand.
"Anyway, I can tell it's you just by looking at your hand movements when you play."
"…Don't lie. It's not that obvious."
"It's true! Even if you covered your face, I'd recognize you by your hands."
I wasn't exaggerating. Even if it didn't have anything to do with his habits per say, his thin, elongated fingers were also uncommon. I also knew that Sang had two tiny freckles, side by side, on the third joint of his index finger. But I discovered this by chance while observing his beautiful hands, so I kept it a secret.
"You're watching me more closely than the chessboard."
Honestly, I was looking at him too much. But isn't it human nature to be drawn to beautiful things? I was just honoring my instincts.
"Of course. I'm always looking at you."
As I diligently rationalized in my head and organized the chess pieces on the board, I heard faint muttering in front of me.
"Why on earth do you keep saying that…?"
"Hm?"
"Never mind. So what are you going to ask me this time?"
I thought for a moment and then changed my mind mid-thought.
"Hmm… I think I'll save my question for another time."
"What do you mean?"
"I'll ask you another time."
Pretty soon, I wouldn't be able to beat him at chess. And once that happens, even if I really wanted to ask him something, he'd probably avoid it, saying he'd only answer if I won. So, this is kind of like an insurance policy.
Instead of asking for permission, I just stared intently into Sang's eyes until he slowly averted his gaze.
"How rude of you."
"Do you hate me for that?"
"...No."
His cheeks were a pretty sunset color today, too.
****
On my way home, I stopped by the break room to pick up something I'd forgotten. Some of the volunteers hadn't left work yet and were still sitting around chatting. I had something important to talk to them about, but just as I was about to knock on the door, I heard a snippet of their conversation.
….They were discussing Sang Heo's background.
"So his parents were chased by a loan shark and had eventually had enough."
Chased by loan sharks for their gambling debts, it turns out his parents had eventually committed suicide, leaving their only child behind. Sang was told it was an accidental death out of fear of traumatizing the kid, but a will was recovered from the car they'd driven themselves off a cliff in.
Sang Heo, who was still a minor, should've gone to a relative's house, but none of his relatives would take him in for fear that the loan sharks would come looking for them. Eventually, after bouncing around from house to house, he ended up at the orphanage run by Jeongdong Cathedral.
Hearing his story reminded me of when I asked him about his future hopes.
'What do you want to be when you grow up?'
'A hunter.'
'Oh, that's surprising. Why a hunter?'
'…Because I don't want to worry about money.'
I, who'd known nothing, had laughed it off, saying he was very realistic, but it was no laughing matter to him. After learning the truth, I understood why he'd been quiet since he came to the nursery. I'm sure no one would believe me or want to talk to me if I were him.
I couldn't get the story out of my head for the rest of the day. The feeling that I wanted to be good to him and become a part of his family became even stronger.
"I….Is that ok?"
Will there come a day when I can open my heart to that kid? What should I do if I want to confess? Would it be a good idea to save up my little pocket money and get him a gift?
Would it make a difference either way?
My head started hurting from useless thoughts, so I asked for help.
"Dad."
My father, eating across from me, smiled and looked up.
"What is it, my son?"
"Dad, do you remember your first love?"
At that moment, my father's eyes quickly wavered.
"What, all of a sudden, what are you…?"
"I was wondering how you felt when you met your first love…"
Feeling embarrassed somehow, I let out an awkward laugh and lowered my gaze to the floor.
"When you just run into each other, your heart starts pounding, and you think about that person all day long?"
Dad didn't say anything. Is it because I brought up an old story for no reason? Oh, it could be that he can't say it out loud so readily because his first love wasn't Mom. I just wanted to get some advice on what to do next.
"I just…"
"Hajae."
Clack—.
I hear the sound of a spoon being put down.
"You, haven't found someone you like… have you?"
My heart sank. If confessing it to my dad is like this, what would happen if I confessed in front of Sang? Right now, I'm still pretending to be an adult by putting on a teacher's mask, but what if that quick-witted kid discovers my childlike nature?
"That's….."
I bit my lip. I didn't know what to say, so I wiggled my fingers and slowly raised my eyes. But my father's complexion was pale, as if he'd seen a ghost.
"Dad…?"
Why are you like that? Did I say something I shouldn't have said? Usually, when you say there's someone you like, wouldn't you be curious and make a fuss like the class president? After all, it's your son's first love…
"Hajae. I'm asking you. Is there someone you like?"
My father's stern face was scary. No matter what I do, he's never that angry, so it's strange. I swallowed dry saliva without realizing it and shook my head.
"I-It's not that. It's just because I was curious."
Only then did my father relax and let out a sigh of relief.
"That's what it was? Wow, you surprised me."
After that, the meal ended in silence.
I couldn't understand my dad's reaction even after thinking about it all day. Wasn't he acting like I shouldn't have 'someone I like'? Is he worried that I might suddenly become distracted at an age when I should be focusing on studying?
But the feelings that'd already settled couldn't be changed. Even if I decide to try and get rid of my feelings, it isn't going to happen overnight. Even if others don't support it, isn't a father meant to support his son's love life? I wanted to say that, but I swallowed the words. I didn't want to cause trouble for someone already working hard to care for me.
I never dreamed that it would be the starting point of all misfortune.
****