Chapter 342: Paintball and Shooting - Sheldon
"Alright, this is the Google Earth view of this battlefield," Sheldon showed his tablet to his friends and brother Ron.
"We're here. To the south is Professor Loomis's geology team. According to their tweets, they're out of sunscreen, which means they must be hiding in this forest, or they'll be at risk of melanoma. That's our tactical advantage.
We just need to cross this ridge and we can ambush these rock-fondling bastards. Okay, let's move out!"
This was the day after the "Sleeping Together" incident. Except for Sheldon, who seemed completely oblivious, all the other guys were still hung up on it. However, at Sheldon's insistence, they still came to participate in CalTech's departmental paintball tournament.
"Hey, we have Ron here—why don't we listen to what the professional has to say?" Rajesh questioned Sheldon's leadership, but before Sheldon could respond, Leonard had already jumped in and continued yesterday's argument.
"Raj, why didn't you tell me your sister was going back to India?"
"Oh, maybe he was too busy writing those perverted love poems about my fiancée." Howard replied with a tight smile.
"Screw off, those are beautiful verses!" Rajesh grumbled, not forgetting to drag Ron into it: "Why don't you mention that Ron found a girlfriend who looks exactly like your fiancée, and he even brought her along? Don't you think you need to explain something?"
"I was just afraid Howard wouldn't believe that there really are doppelgängers in the world," Ron kissed Hope on the cheek. "Howard, now you believe me? There's really nothing between your fiancée and me. Hope just happens to look a lot like Bernadette."
"I really didn't expect there to be someone in the world who looks so much like me. Howard, you should totally bring Bernadette along next time." Hope returned a kiss on Ron's cheek, looking at Howard with interest.
That smile, so identical to Bernadette's, almost made Howard see double. If he hadn't just FaceTimed Bernadette in front of Hope to confirm that the real Bernadette was shopping with Penny and the others, he would have thought it was some elaborate prank by Ron and Bernadette.
"Yeah, sure, maybe we can do a double date next time," Howard replied distractedly.
But he wasn't the only one lost in thought; Ron was too. Most amazingly, they were both imagining the exact same thing: every man's ultimate fantasy—twins.
Although they weren't related by blood, even actual twins rarely shared that kind of resemblance. Imagine, with the brilliant and beautiful Dr. Bernadette on your left and the graceful, athletic Hope on your right—good God, who can say this isn't every man's dream?
"Guys, I'm really not feeling paintball today. How about we just bail?" Leonard was the first to drop his gun.
"I'm with Leonard."
"Me too."
The other two nerdy scientists, of course, agreed as well.
"No, you can't bail! You'll be court-martialed, and you might be sentenced to..." Sheldon stopped mid-sentence, because he didn't know what the court-martial penalty for paintball desertion would be.
Banned from drinking Dr Pepper?
"Anyway, no!"
"Sorry, Sheldon, today is really not the day for paintball."
"You think this is a game?" Sheldon raised his voice: "Was the Civil War a game? Was World War II a game..."
"Hey! Ron," Hope quickly pinched Ron's arm, "Didn't we agree to play paintball? How long are we going to listen to your brother's speech? Are we going to shoot or what?"
"Shoot, absolutely." Ron grinned, pulling Hope toward the door.
As soon as Sheldon saw Ron leaving, he immediately called out, "Ron, where are you going?"
"I'm not in the mood for your TED Talk. We're going to play first, you guys continue."
"Hey! Soldiers like you who disobey orders on the battlefield will definitely be court-martialed!" Sheldon exclaimed anxiously.
"Court-martial? Ha," Ron sneered, glancing dismissively at Sheldon's epaulets. "Let's not even talk about how your rank is make-believe. Even if it were real, it's still a rank lower than my retirement rank of major. Sheldon, what should a captain do when he encounters a major?"
"Salute, sir!" Sheldon snapped to attention, saluting Ron with a textbook military posture. That was one of Sheldon's quirks; once he established a rule in his mind, he would follow it no matter how much he disagreed.
"At ease, Captain Sheldon. I now order you to continue commanding your squad. The major is taking his special forces to open up the second front."
With that, Ron pushed open the door, squinted at the sunlight, and pulled Hope away into the woods.
Of course, Ron wasn't doing anything inappropriate. While outdoor excitement had its appeal, nothing beat the comfort of a nice bed at home. He was heading into the woods to mess with those nerds Sheldon had described as only good at playing with rocks.
Jungle warfare was a weakness for most Americans, especially for these geologists. Ron hadn't been in the woods long when he spotted two clueless scientists.
"Hope, remember what I taught you?"
"You mean this?"
Hope made a fist, mimicking an up-and-down motion. Ron was exasperated. "No, I meant a flanking maneuver."
"Of course I remember."
"Okay, then you circle around from that side. As soon as I fire, you open fire immediately." Ron pointed to another path through the woods, and Hope excitedly crouched and ran toward it.
Meanwhile, the geology team was less than fifty feet away from Ron. Ron immediately sprinted in the opposite direction, unleashing a burst of paintballs at the branches above them.
Honestly, if Ron wanted to, taking out these amateur players would be a cakewalk, but then Hope wouldn't get any action, and if Hope didn't have fun, Ron's gymnastics training plan would suffer.
Yep, Ron was definitely a dedicated student.
Hearing the commotion on Ron's side, the geology department's rookie scientists immediately panicked and started firing wildly in Ron's direction.
Completely exposing themselves to Hope's gun on their flank. "Bang bang bang..." a rapid burst of paintballs quickly took them out.
"That was awesome! Ron, you should totally bring me to play more of these games." Hope's eyes sparkled.
Meanwhile,
"Geology isn't a real science!" Finally unable to tolerate the mutiny of his subordinates, Sheldon, like a martyr, spread his arms wide as he emerged from the hut.
"It's your brother, should we tell him we've won?"
"What do you think?" Ron threw the question back to Hope. This time she didn't speak—the two exchanged a knowing smile, and simultaneously raised their guns at Sheldon.
"Bang bang bang..."
(End of Chapter)
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