"H-hey, guys, come on, this is just a big misunderstanding!" Blitzo, shackled, was being roughly dragged down a corridor by two tall, silent figures in dark robes. Heavy, unpleasantly cold handcuffs were on his wrists, and his silent guards paid no attention to his desperate attempts to justify himself. Mentally, Blitzo was cursing himself for getting caught so ineptly, so stupidly. Trying to escape from them, they had done everything right, and then he… crashed into a pole… Just a few seconds after starting the car… And that's how they all got nabbed… Yeah…
The hall he was eventually dragged into was shrouded in thick darkness. The only thing that stood out was a small stone spike, hanging over an abyss, brightly illuminated by a spotlight. On the huge, double doors were engraved some vaguely familiar symbols: six of them, in order of seniority. Blitzo definitely knew them, but due to his intense fear, he couldn't remember what they meant.
"Is this all because of those orphans? They were already sick, you know…"
"SILENCE!" a deafening, thunderous shout echoed. Its owner was… Satan himself. At that very moment, Blitzo finally remembered what those damn symbols meant: six of the seven deadly sins! "We are here to pass judgment on the imp-criminal. Blitzo…" In that instant, the entire hall was filled with the bright, crimson light of lava lamps. Only these weren't lamps, they were full-sized, huge fountains, filled to the brim with real, boiling hell-lava. On the sides, next to these fountains, on numerous balconies, stood demons of the Goetia family, and in the middle of the hall was a huge stone throne, as well as six seats above it. Five of these seats were occupied by the deadly sins themselves: Beelzebub, Leviathan, Mammon, Belphegor, and Asmodeus… And the throne in the middle, of course, was occupied by Satan himself, while the seat above all the Sins was empty and even had cobwebs on it.
"Uh-um, a-actually, sir, it's without the 'o' at the end…" Blitzo began, but Satan, who took up a good tenth of this not-so-small hall, made the imp tremble with primal terror. And he even moved closer to the imp who had dared to be cheeky. "No mistakes! You said it all correctly, everything's great!" the imp immediately remembered his place, and the Sin of Wrath, with a satisfied grunt, returned to his seat.
"You and your team have been brought to trial for the theft of a powerful Goetia relic, for the purpose of illegal personal use in the mortal world," Satan continued to list his accusations. On one of the balconies, at that very moment, a certain marquis was smiling smugly, having apparently finally found his enemy's weak spot… "Do you plead guilty?" Satan sat on his huge throne and looked expectantly at Blitzo.
"Oh, so it's about that book, is it?" Hearing the accusation, Blitzo immediately brightened up. A saving thought popped into his head that this was all just some stupid mistake, and that all Stolas needed to do now was confirm that he himself had allowed him, an imp, to use the grimoire, and everything would be resolved. "B-but I didn't steal it! Well… at most, I tried to. But since when do they lock you up for trying, right?"
"Always…" Moxxie said, slightly irritated, with a hint of fatigue. And Blitzo, to his surprise, discovered that his whole… family? That his whole family was also in this hall, only behind him, also in shackles. And his poor little daughter even had some creepy, spiky muzzle on!
"The point is, the owner himself lent me the book! And he gave me permission to use it!" after briefly making sure his friends were okay, as okay as possible, Blitzo continued to explain the situation to Satan.
"Lies!" At that very moment, a bird-like demon of the Goetia family, who proudly bore the title of marquis, interjected into their conversation. "Your Honor," Andrealphus immediately conjured a long, icy path under his feet, on which he walked out to the very center of the hall, hovering in the air. "Speaking on behalf of my audaciously-attractive sister, I testify that this LOWLIFE IMP!" he theatrically pointed his thin, elegant finger at Blitzo, "was obsessively harassing her husband, Stolas! Who, unlike a responsible and handsome Goetia demon, like myself," the marquis theatrically threw his head back and covered his face with his palm, clearly playing to the audience. "Turned out to be too weak and was simply afraid to speak up about it… The poor dear…" Andrealphus played his voice perfectly, emphasizing all the right moments, and also held the high rank of marquis. It was much easier to believe his words than the words of some simple, unknown imp, whose power no one could even feel, it was so insignificant.
"What?" The demon's words immediately set Blitzo off. "That's bullshit!"
"This disgusting!" Andrealphus approached Blitzo, whose mouth, at that very moment, was covered by gags that appeared out of thin air, and then pushed him forcefully. "Revolting imp! He disgraces his entire kind with such terrible, vile acts!" the marquis continued to play to the crowd. "He is trying to gain power!"
"It wasn't like that at all!" Moxxie couldn't help but intervene in this farce.
"Silence!" Satan couldn't stand it, bringing his huge face close to the little imp.
"Satan, excuse me," a strange demon in a white robe unexpectedly appeared next to the Sin of Wrath. He had small wings, thanks to which he flew, and rather unusual horns, as well as a candle on top of his head, which burned with a dim red flame. "You… what did we say about negative energies in the temple of the mind?" The demon leaned towards him and began to speak in a soothing, almost hypnotic voice. "You should remember to breathe dee-ee-eeply…"
"Yes, yes," Satan, surprisingly, listened to this demon and, taking a deep breath, immediately returned to his seat, gradually calming down. "Continue."
"Ahem-ahem," Andrealphus cleared his throat, again creating a high platform of ice beneath him to rise even higher. "I would like to add, Your Honor, that in addition to all his unseemly acts with our dear, beloved Stolas…" the marquis continued to bury the imp, but…
"Stop-stop-stop-stop-stop!" another demon of the Goetia family interrupted his speech. And this demon was… the third on the entire list of Goetia demons, Prince Vassago, one of the strongest demons, commanding thirty legions of infernal spirits. He looked like a lanky, bird-like demon, resembling a scarlet macaw, with bright red feathers, a white face, and a hooked, black beak. Vassago had long, purple feathers with golden tips on the back of his head, with similar golden stripes down the center. Vassago also had red eyes, without irises or pupils, which were covered by yellow glasses, vaguely resembling a crown or a star. "And where, exactly, is Stolas himself? Let him tell us everything himself!"
"He was not informed of this trial," the marquis calmly replied to the prince.
"What? Why?" Vassago jumped onto a flat, five-pointed star of orange light, from which myriads of small, glowing shards fell. The prince flew forward, positioning himself directly in front of Andrealphus. "If this concerns him, then he should be here, shouldn't he?" The prince turned to the Deadly Sins, continuing, "I can't believe this! He must be summoned here immediately!"
"Now, now, that's enough, Vassago… Shut your fucking beak," the marquis lifted his head, narrowing his eyes with contempt.
"I will NOT be silent, you arrogant idiot!" the prince appeared right in front of his younger brother and poked him hard in the chest with his finger.
"Stella and I!" the peacock exploded, angrily fanning his tail. "Did not want to expose him to danger by confronting him with this aggressor! Who, allow me to add…" Dramatic pause… "WAS PLOTTING TO ASSASSINATE HIM!" the marquis pointed at Blitzo.
"What?!" the imp desperately tried to break free from his bonds, but his voice was muffled, and the only thing that escaped his mouth was an indistinct mumbling.
"Well, fuck…" Vassago quietly muttered, having returned to his balcony in the oppressive silence that followed.
"It wasn't him!" Moxxie intervened again, seeing Blitzo furiously trying to deny the horrible, vile slander. "We don't know who wanted Prince Stolas dead, but it definitely wasn't Blitzo!"
"Really?" Andrealphus said with a smirk. "Perhaps we should ask the hitman himself about it?" At that very moment, a tall pillar rose from a chasm in the floor, on which stood Striker—the very imp who had already tried to kill Stolas several times… unsuccessfully. "Who has kindly agreed to give us his testimony, in exchange for our protection."
Striker was a tall, pale-skinned imp, with yellow, mottled eyes, white, disheveled hair, and black-and-white horns. He had a small, almost imperceptible, black mustache and a long, striped tail with a stinger at the end. He dressed like a typical cowboy: a hat, a bandana, a light gray jacket, a vest, torn, worn trousers, and cowboy boots. And he almost always had a thin, dry straw in his mouth.
"Yeah. It was him," the demon took a step forward, spitting the straw from his mouth. "He paid me to kill the Goetia prince, to cover up all his shady dealings with…" at this point he faltered and discreetly began to look at his palm. His eyes started darting around, betraying the fact that he was reading something. "What's the next part?" he finally gave up and turned to Andrealphus, who was standing next to him on his ice platform.
"With the grimoire!" he threw out shortly, almost hissing, feeling the anger boiling within him.
"Yeah, with that."
Blitzo, who had been desperately trying to say something all this time, was instantly freed at that moment. Or rather, only his mouth was freed.
"What?! I'm already a killer, you get it?!" he screamed in anger. "If I wanted to kill Stolas, I would have done it MYSELF, fucker!"
A shocked murmur from the crowd began immediately after this short but very concise speech from the imp. Trying to explain himself, he only dug himself in deeper.
"Well, we're definitely fucked now!" Moxxie immediately clung to his wife, and bitter tears streamed down his cheeks… not the most manly act, but not everyone was ready to part with their life. Far from it.
"Wait, that's not what I meant!" Blitzo realized what he had just said, and how it sounded from the outside. "I'm saying I could have killed Stolas myself… but I would never do it!" A metal gag reappeared on the imp's face, preventing him from saying anything more.
"What a disappointment…" Satan said, looking at his own creation with unconcealed contempt.
"This is complete bullshit, guys," Beelzebub finally found an opportunity to intervene in this circus. "I've already dealt with this little imp. He's a handful, for sure, but he's also pretty chill, so let's hear him out? This must be some kind of mix-up!"
"Yeah… I'm sure there's a logical explanation for all this!" Asmodeus immediately supported his sister. He had only recently returned to his post but was already thoroughly fed up with the huge amount of work.
"Oh, just shut up already!" Mammon interrupted them. "Everyone knows how you two simp for all sorts of low-class plebeians!" the fat, clown-like demon hinted at the low status of Beelzebub's and Asmodeus's partners. "But we're not like that, are we, Levi?" he winked at Leviathan—the Sin of Envy, who seemed to be split in two: her right side was dark, with a dragon's head protruding from her neck, and her left side was light, with a relatively normal, demonic, humanoid head with some amphibian features protruding from her second neck.
"ARE YOU FUCKING LOOKING FOR TROUBLE, MAMMON?!" Asmodeus instantly flared up with righteous anger, immediately growing in size and igniting a huge, blue fireball in his palm. It was for this power that he had made that deal with Eve a hundred years ago. And it was this power that now allowed him to speak to the third most powerful Sin on equal terms.
"You're just pissed that no one wants to fuck a clown-asshole like you! And also… suck it!" Beelzebub put her hand on Asmodeus's shoulder, simultaneously supporting the jab at Mammon and calming Asmodeus. The Sin of Gluttony immediately created a pink, penis-shaped popsicle in her hand and threw it forcefully at Mammon, who, however, simply moved his chair, using it to block the "attack."
"Fuck off back to your little bitch! Cunt!" Standing up from his chair, the clown-sin showed her two middle fingers.
"And you go and keep riding your own dick, you douchebag!"
"Let's take a vote," Satan habitually intervened in these squabbles of his younger siblings. "Who wants to listen to hours of testimony?"
The very next moment, Asmodeus and Beelzebub immediately raised their hands. After which Moxxie, Millie, and Loona, a little awkwardly, did the same. And a bright light immediately lit up above each of the voters.
"And who wants to kill this bastard and be home for dinner?" Satan continued, already knowing what the majority would choose. After this, dozens of similar lights lit up above the balconies where the Goetia demons stood.
"Argh, screw you all!" Beelzebub sat down in her seat with a disgruntled look, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Ha! Suck a dick, you fucking runts!" Mammon happily showed everyone his favorite gesture—the middle fingers. True, now he had four hands. A partial transformation.
Beelzebub, in response, silently created another penis-shaped popsicle in the air and sent it straight into the Sin of Greed's mouth, with such force that he immediately fell off his chair… But he began to suck on the popsicle with relish…
"You shouldn't have left your little hole, imp!" Marquis Andrealphus said with a laugh, looking down at Blitzo with superiority and slowly descending the ice steps that immediately appeared under his feet.
"This is what happens when lower demons try to punch above their weight!" At the end of his pompous speech, the peacock forcefully stepped on the imp's forehead, then dissolved into a myriad of snowflakes and teleported to the accuser's spot.
"For the treacherous theft of a Goetia grimoire for illegal use, for causing harm to a Goetia prince, and for entering the living world without special permissions and proper procedures. You, Blitzo, and your entire team, are sentenced to death," Satan slowly rose from his throne, spreading his huge, leathery wings. "Because of your audacious actions, which contradict all the laws of Hell, your execution will be broadcast across all seven rings! To remind all imps why they should not challenge our authority in the future…" A chopping block immediately rose from the ground next to Blitzo, and Blitzo was finally able to get rid of his gag himself. However, behind all the accused, unknown figures in cloaks were already standing, holding them firmly in place.
"No! Not them!" he cast a worried glance at his family. "It was all me, you hear?! If you kill all of them, none of us will learn this lesson!"
"YOU DARE TELL ME HOW TO PUNISH?!" Satan exploded with rage.
"Um… Satan…" that same imp in the white robe flew up to the giant again. "Excuse me, but do you know that today is amethyst day, and you are currently red as a ruby? Try meditating, calm your chakras…" he tried to calm the Sin.
"Listen, all of Hell is about to see you execute simple imps who are just trying to make a living!" Blitzo continued, meanwhile. "I'm guilty! Not them!"
"Blitzo, what are you doing?" Moxxie asked, already certain that they were all about to be killed.
"Sigh… so be it…" Satan exhaled streams of hot steam. "Imps are my servants. Since we've found a scapegoat, then let's not drag this out… Chop off the loudmouth's head."
"Oh, shit, this definitely didn't go according to plan. Sorry, Moxxie, I did everything I could…" Blitzo joked, hinting that Moxxie was the last one to speak.
"Actually, he's talking about you…"
At that very second, one of the robed figures placed his hand on Blitzo's shoulder.
"Holy fucking shit…"
Pride Ring. Palace of Prince Stolas.
Stolas was in a deep depression… And it had been going on for years, with no signs of stopping. Right now, he was eating his grief with ice cream and staring blankly at the television, desperately trying to escape this cruel, unjust reality. He changes the channel, and…
"Cough-cough!" the owl choked, seeing the trial… of Blitzo! "Oh, my Lucifer, what are they doing?!" the owl immediately threw the ice cream container aside and jumped up, getting dressed on the go and rushing to the courthouse…
"Anything to say for yourself?" Satan lazily looked over the group of imps, thinking to himself that therapy was actually helping, and he wasn't killing everyone so thoughtlessly anymore. "We'll play along."
"All I was trying to do was break out of this abyss you've all thrown us into, without any choice!"
"Your Highness, please, Blitzo is just…"
"Moxxie, that's enough," the imp stopped his loyal friend, lowering his head.
"Blitzo, please, don't," Moxxie tried to talk him out of it, looking at his boss with disbelieving horror.
"This giant asshole wasn't going to listen to us anyway… Just…" Blitzo turned, looking lovingly at his adopted daughter, then at Millie, at Moxxie… "Just watch over Loona for me…"
"No… I can't watch this…" tears appeared in Moxxie's eyes again, and he covered his face with his hand.
From the abyss below, thick, rusty chains immediately appeared and latched onto the collar on Blitzo. Then these chains, with incredible, monstrous force, pulled the imp, forcing him to kneel right in front of the chopping block. One of the figures in a robe stepped forward, and a huge axe of primordial Darkness immediately materialized in his hand, on which were red, glowing eyes, the kind you could often see anywhere in Hell. The eyes of this robed figure immediately lit up with the same red fire. He slowly raised his axe, and Blitzo could only close his eyes and lower his head, thinking that at least he had managed to protect his friends. Millie and Moxxie immediately hugged each other tightly, and Loona whimpered pitifully, squeezing her eyes shut, from which tears immediately began to flow.
"Love you guys…" Blitzo's last words were spoken as he looked one last time at his family, sobbing and unable to help him in any way.
A strike and… a feather slowly falls on the imp's head… a feather from Stolas, who, with considerable effort, had managed to block the axe blow.
"Stolas, don't shove your ass in my face!" Blitzo immediately lifted his head to see what was happening. And at that very moment, the Goetia prince's ass was indeed right in front of his face… A fantastically absurd situation.
"IN THE NAME OF LUCIFER, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!" Satan couldn't hold back again and even grabbed the unknown demon in the white robes in his huge fist.
"I'll explain everything now!" finally overpowering the executioner, Stolas stepped forward and, with a single movement, tore the chains from Blitzo's neck with his power. "In the only way I know how… with a song!"
"Yes! Yeah, that's it, baby!" a joyous cry came from the balcony. It was Vassago.
(Author's Note: I don't think anyone would be interested in a full retelling of this whole song part, would they? After all, it's in the song format that such moments look truly impressive.)
"Release this pawn!" Satan gave the order, and the shackles immediately fell from Blitzo. "Stolas of the Goetia family… you are a disgrace."
"No! Stolas, you can't! You can't do this!" Blitzo ran forward and grabbed the owl's cloak forcefully. "Stolas, please!" at that very moment, two robed figures immediately grabbed the imp and began to drag him towards the exit. "Let go of me, you fuckers!" however, the imp immediately twisted and managed to break free from their grip, then rushed towards the prince again. "Stolas! Stolas!" unfortunately for the imp, these executioners were far from simple imps. So, a noose of unbreakable Darkness reappeared around his neck and pulled him towards the exit with unstoppable force. Even the strongest of imps could not resist it. "Use your powers! Do something! Stolas!" tears streamed from the demon's eyes. He was genuinely afraid for his… for Stolas. However, the prince just stood there, his head bowed and his eyes closed. The imp was thrown outside, to Millie, Moxxie, and Loona, and then the huge doors, which were beyond the power of even many Goetia aristocrats, were slammed shut behind him.
Pride Ring. Palace of Prince Stolas. Again.
A young girl, passing by the living room, glanced at the television screen and saw her father there… who, with his head bowed and resting on the chopping block, was preparing to die. For the first second, Octavia didn't even believe that what was happening was real. Her heart skipped a beat. A second, another, but the image didn't disappear. It was real. The girl, feeling terrible fear and shock, didn't know what to do. Run there? She wouldn't make it in time, or… Octavia immediately breaks into a run. However, at the very exit of the room, she is met by her mother, with an extremely sad expression on her face. Stella spreads her arms wide, and the girl, in complete desperation, immediately throws herself into her mother's arms. They hug each other tightly. Octavia cries bitter, hot tears, her sobs a mournful trill, and Stella… slyly, imperceptibly smiles and gently presses her daughter to her, stroking her head.
At that very moment, a colossal pressure descends upon the entire courtroom. All the demons of the Goetia family immediately fall prostrate, and the deadly sins themselves, even the strongest of them, are forced to bow their heads. Suddenly, in the very center of the hall, a bright, blinding flash of light appears… No, of LIGHT!
"What the?!" Satan, who had already relaxed, was hit so hard that he didn't even have time to feel his usual anger. The flash immediately disappears, but the pressure only intensifies. In the middle of the hall, suspended in the air, was him… The Executioner of Heaven, the First Exterminator, the Archangel Adam…
On the face of the angel who had just burst into the very heart of Hell was only a half-mad, predatory smile. His gaze was fixed on three figures in robes—two of them were still holding the chains attached to Stolas's collar, and the third was holding that same, huge axe in his hand. A manic, almost insane glint flickered in the Archangel's eyes, and the strange, golden amulet on his chest, in the shape of an eye, immediately glowed with a bright, red color, making the angel smile even wider, which made the whole situation even more terrifying.
"I will find you… And I will kill you…" the archangel said quietly, almost in a whisper, touching the amulet on his chest. After which it slowly, as if reluctantly, began to dim…