"Could you repeat that? I think the tumor has reached my cognitive functions," I ask, massaging my temples, still a bit stunned by what he just said.
"As I've already said several times: your case is very rare. You're quite an exceptional human — not in the good sense, but not in the bad one either," answers the Big Boss.
Nice euphemism.
"You have a particularly neutral soul. It is… completely gray. Neither pure, nor evil. You haven't really accomplished any good deeds in your life... which, by the way, was very dull..."
Eh... no judgment
"No really, it was boring as hell, even if I had the choice between being you and being dead, I would still chose to be dead."
Thanks...
"... but you also have no sins to atone for," he continues, looking slightly intrigued, almost like a researcher observing a creature he can't quite categorize.
"As such, I can't condemn you since you have no charges against you, but I also can't reward you."
He continues without seeming the least bit sorry for me.
"I can't decently send you to hell, since you've done nothing condemnable. But I can't offer you the honor of heaven either. You don't deserve it."
Cool. My existence just got summed up in three sentences as flat as my EEG line.
"Alright, so how does this work?" I ask, slightly irritated by his quick and dismissive assessment of my life.
Okay, I know I don't deserve heaven or hell, but come on, my life wasn't that bad.
…
Wait…
…Lonely and unhappy childhood.
No friends.
No love. Ever.
Dead at 21 after three long years of agony in the hospital.
Lonely, painful, forgotten ending.
Well, okay. My life sucked.
"Well," God continues, still as calm as ever, "I'm going to reincarnate your soul into a new life. With all your memories from the old one, except for anything about the world you're going to, of course."
Ah… Being sent to another world. How original.
And I didn't even die being hit by a truck, so I guess I'm a special case.
I love humor.
"Yes, I can see that."
God answers sarcastically while snapping his fingers, clearly unimpressed with my incredible inability to stay focused for more than five minutes in a conversation.
"Normally, it's completely random. But in your case… you prayed to me three times without asking for anything in return. No expectation, no bargaining, no despair — just a sincere impulse. Which, believe it or not, is extremely rare among humans."
He pauses.
"So I'm giving you two choices."
He fixes his gaze on me, still unshakable. "The choice of the world… and the choice of power or form."
Alright. Two choices.
The world I reincarnate into… and my form. Okay, I'm starting to get it. But wait a second…
I'm one of the rare guys who prayed to God without asking for anything, no expectation, no emotional blackmail… and I don't get to go to heaven? Seriously?
That place must really be crammed with Mormons playing harps on Jesus-sponsored clouds.
But a thought strikes me.
"Are fictional worlds included in the choice?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes. All of them." God nods, as if it's obvious.
"After all, those 'fictions' are just representations of those worlds in yours."
He doesn't seem to expect me to fully grasp that part. Spoiler: I didn't, but whatever.
So... by all world... he also mean the fanfiction ones ?
...
Oh my god
So these thousand of Drarry on Wattpad.
And all of these Danzo X Hiruzen fanfics
And these Deku X All Might
"Yes..." God says, while watching at the horizon, with a desperate look in his eyes, as if all of the world had just crumbled on his shoulders
"And I watched them... all of them."
wow, no wonder he could easily chose to kill itself.
Sucks to be you.
"Language" The entity respond with annoyance
So I can choose any world… A fictional world where I could have a fun, exciting life, but one that doesn't end in a horrible death at age four because some galactic emperor decided to blow up my planet for fun. I need balance: power, adventure, but a minimum of safety.
Got it.
"I choose the world of Naruto, please."
I'm almost ecstatic inside, though outwardly I'm probably just blinking once every two seconds. Gotta keep up appearances.
"Alright. World number 56273, or more commonly known as 'world of Naruto.'"
God types into the air with his left hand, like on an invisible keyboard. He doesn't even seem surprised by my choice.
"That doesn't surprise you?"
In response, I only get a tired, irritated look, as if to say, "Seriously?" God even seems annoyed at the thought.
"You're probably the 27th asshole this week to ask me to go there. You guys really have no imagination, and you all think you're being original for some reason I can't fathom, when this request is so common we actually set up a terminal just for it."
Wait, there are others? I won't be alone?
"Oh, and by the way, no."
God immediately waves away the idea.
"Imagine the mess if all the weebs who spend their all week to do Naruto-run or some shit like that ended up in the same world?"
"No, no, no and no. No, much cheaper to send each of you into your own."
Yeah, that makes sense.
I think about a world where all the MCs from Naruto fanfics reincarnated together.
Terrifying.
…
Wait.
"Does that make me a fanfic MC—"
Snap.
The finger snap echoes, bringing me back to the conversation, God looking increasingly impatient to be done with this.
"Now, before I specify in more detail the place — or non-place — of your birth, I ask you to make your second choice." He fixes me with a look, almost curious.
"Wait… what exactly do you mean by form/power?" I ask, intrigued.
God lets out a small sigh, like he's preparing to explain a cosmic concept to a slightly slow child.
"Well… it's complicated."
He pauses, then continues.