"Gravitron Cannon, fire!"
Another day at work was done, and I was in a great mood knowing tomorrow was my day off. Time for some gaming.
I found myself talking to my monitor without thinking.
"Even though he's supposed to be the protagonist this time, he's still got that final boss presence... Doctor..."
The scene on screen could only be described as pure domination, and I couldn't help but grin. The stage was cleared in no time, which left me feeling a bit anticlimactic.
"Guess I'll take a break," I muttered, grabbing my cigarettes and heading outside.
I exhaled a long stream of purple smoke and stretched, my back and spine crackling satisfyingly.
"Man, I used to be able to play for hours straight without a break..."
Gaming wasn't my only hobby. I was into manga, anime, and fan fiction too. My salary and free time all went toward these interests. I'd hit thirty, but so what? I was enjoying life.
"Alright then... I've got drinks ready and everything. Time for an all-nighter!"
Just another day of living for my hobbies...
I kept playing until my eyelids started getting heavy and consciousness began to fade.
"Might fall asleep," I mumbled, but this was nothing new. I kept playing...
But when I came to, the scene before me was completely different from what I was used to.
"...Huh? What's this? Where am I?"
My groggy brain could only process one thing - everything around me was white. I couldn't even tell if I was indoors or outside.
"Wait, I was gaming, right? Then I fell asleep? Huh? What?"
I was slowly waking up but still confused as hell. I was talking to myself like always, but this time someone actually answered.
"Indeed, you lost consciousness while playing your game."
The unexpected voice made my confusion worse, and I reflexively looked around for whoever was speaking. I couldn't see anyone, which added panic and fear to my confusion.
"No... saying you lost consciousness isn't quite accurate. Your soul was severed from the world... that would be more correct."
Normally, in a state of panic like this, you wouldn't be able to hear anyone clearly. But strangely, this person's words reached my ears... or rather, echoed in my head.
Noticing this somehow helped me calm down. I took a deep breath and tried talking to the voice.
"Um, excuse me, but where are... where are you?"
My mind was calm, but my body wasn't keeping up. The words wouldn't come out right.
I tried to reach for a cigarette out of habit, but when I checked my pockets and the area around me, there weren't any.
"Hmm... are you looking for this?"
Unlike before, I could clearly hear where the voice came from. I turned toward it and saw my familiar red and white cigarette pack.
I could see the hand holding it out, and gradually began to make out the person speaking.
At their feet were sandals, and their clothing looked like something from ancient Greece - a chiton and himation, if my otaku knowledge was right.
Not bad for random trivia, I thought with some satisfaction.
Looking up, I saw a magnificent white beard, hair that reached down to their shoulder blades, and... a perfectly polished head.
A perfectly polished—
"...It seems you don't need this after all."
"Ah, no, sorry about that. I'll take it."
I accepted the cigarette from the gleaming old man and put it between my lips, but I didn't have a lighter. Just when I thought I'd be left hanging, the old man who'd given me the cigarette produced fire from his hand and lit it for me.
I nodded in thanks, took a drag, and exhaled. The familiar taste helped me relax.
"Sorry, but could you wait until I finish this cigarette?"
"Of course, I don't mind."
I followed the purple smoke with my eyes as I let my thoughts wander. I was pretty sure the old man had said something about souls, and I had other things I wanted to ask. Based on my otaku knowledge, I had a theory, but I wasn't certain.
Even though I wasn't certain, I felt a surge of excitement.
Calm down... this could just be wishful thinking!
I tried to talk myself down, but I couldn't stop the corner of my mouth from turning up. I took another drag to steady myself. Yeah, I was fine.
I exhaled the smoke and suddenly realized something very important. Maybe that's why I found myself muttering like always.
"...What am I going to do about an ashtray?"
There were probably more important things to worry about, but right then, I was focused on smoking etiquette.
"Sorry for the wait."
After that, the old man had provided an ashtray, so everything worked out. Now that I'd finished my smoke, I spoke to him.
"Good, it seems you've calmed down."
The old man stroked his beard as he spoke. Like before, his words seemed to sink right into me.
"I have a lot of questions, but since I kept you waiting, would it be alright if I listened to what you have to say first?"
"Very well, let's do that."
One of the things I'd been thinking about while smoking - who was this old man?
I didn't have proof, but I'd tried to speak politely to avoid being rude. I hoped my word choice was okay.
"There's no need to be so formal."
...Apparently he saw right through me. I couldn't help but smile wryly.
"Thank you."
"Now, you'll probably have questions as you listen to my story, but hear me out first."
I nodded to encourage him to continue.
"First thing you need to understand... you're dead."
...I'd been considering this possibility, but hearing it stated so bluntly hit hard.
I needed to stay calm to hear the rest of his story, so I put another cigarette between my lips. The old man lit it for me again.
Wait! I was worried about being rude, so why am I suddenly smoking again?!
"S-sorry! I should have asked first!"
"Ho ho ho... it's fine, it's fine. Like I said, you don't need to be so formal."
The old man gestured for me to relax as he continued.
"Right now you're in a state where your self-control isn't working properly. There's a reason for that... but you can smoke while you listen. Just relax."
Self-control not working? A reason? Well, at least I had permission to keep smoking.
"Thank you. Could you continue your story?"
"First, have you understood and accepted your own death?"
Honestly, I wasn't sure I'd accepted it. I'd been playing games and fell asleep... I mean, I didn't really feel dead. Maybe I should be honest?
I was supposed to listen first, but before I knew it, I was speaking.
"To be honest... I don't really feel dead."
I was shocked that I'd spoken my thoughts without meaning to. And this must be what he meant about self-control not working properly. The fear made my hand shake as I tried to bring the cigarette to my mouth.
"Ho ho ho... don't panic. Well then, I suppose I'll take my time too."
The old man said this and began puffing on what looked like an ornate silver pipe.
Seeing this left me stunned.
"Ho ho ho, is it strange that I smoke?"
I quickly shook my head and brought my own cigarette to my lips, exhaling smoke like he was.
"No, it's just that everyone around me mostly smokes cigarettes... I was just surprised to see a pipe."
"I see, so cigarettes are common in your time."
"Ah, well, in my circle anyway..."
"Ho ho ho!"
I panicked, thinking I'd put down his choice, but the old man just laughed it off.
"It's fine, it's fine. It's enjoyable to talk about things other than work."
"Oh my, slacking off on the job? Seems like quite the delinquent old man..."
"Ho ho ho! It looks like you're feeling better?"
"Thanks to you."
It was more accurate to say he'd helped me feel better rather than me getting better on my own. He'd calmed me down multiple times when I was confused.
"Well... I think I understand that I'm dead, even if I can't say I've fully accepted it."
"That's good enough. Now, shall I continue?"
"Please."
I took a drag and waited for him to go on.
"I want you to undergo my trial and be reincarnated into a different world."
Trial... reincarnation... My cheek twitched at these words. This was what I'd been hoping for.
"Before I answer, may I ask a few questions?"
"Of course."
"If I don't take the trial, can I come back to life?"
"Unfortunately for you, that's not possible. Your memories, experiences, personality - everything that makes you who you are will disappear, and you'll return to the cycle of reincarnation to wait for another chance."
"What kind of place is this 'different world'?"
"No. I can only tell those who agree to take the trial."
"What is this trial?"
"I can only tell those who agree to take it."
"Can you tell me why I died?"
"You were randomly selected by the world's self-purification function, and your soul was severed from the world."
"Self-purification function?"
"Think of the world like a book. The world you lived in would be page one, and there's a page two that's a parallel world..."
"Multiple pages are bound together to form 'one world,' but to maintain balance in the number of souls existing on each page, the world occasionally severs souls regardless of their destined lifespan as part of its self-purification."
"Why isn't my self-control working?"
"That's also related to the world's self-purification. When there are those who die, there are also those who are born. To suppress those who would be born as part of self-purification, instincts are suppressed at an unconscious level."
"This causes some people to lose interest in marriage or real members of the opposite sex. When such people die, the suppressed instincts are released all at once, causing a loss of self-control."
I used my dying cigarette to light a new one. As I exhaled smoke and stubbed out the old cigarette in the ashtray, the old man spoke while puffing on his pipe.
"Are you done with questions?"
"Ah, no, I still have things I'd like to ask, but I want to think about what you've told me..."
"Ho ho ho. Very well, think as much as you need to. About what I've told you, and about your own death."
The old man's words put me at ease, and I let my thoughts wander.
Self-purification and suppression, and the old man said reincarnation would be to a different world... What's the difference from parallel worlds?
First, let me think about self-purification and suppression. Apparently this is why my self-control isn't working...
But... marriage wishes? Interest in the opposite sex? Honestly, I'm not aware of lacking these. Back in school, I thought being cool and stoic made me look good. Then I gradually got into otaku hobbies and became attracted to 2D women...
Wait... I definitely didn't have marriage wishes, and I wasn't interested in real women, but... why not? Now that I think about it, it's weird. Right now I'm very interested in real women. Huh?
Setting aside marriage for now, why did I lose interest in real women? Because I was attracted to 2D women? That doesn't mean I had to lose interest in real women.
When did I stop being interested in real women? Did something bad happen? Some kind of trauma?
...Nothing. I can't think of anything.
Is this it? Is this the suppression of instincts by self-purification?
I thought I'd been living according to my own will. Sure, I often went with the flow, but I thought the decisions were mine. But now there's a possibility I was being unconsciously guided.
Maybe even my otaku hobbies? All those enjoyable times were just the result of suppression?
Confusion, regret, anger - all kinds of emotions swirled around. Every time past scenes flashed before me, doubts bubbled up. Things I thought were just youthful inexperience might have been...
I wasn't dissatisfied with my current life. I thought I'd matured and grown up. But it felt like my entire life up to now had been denied.
I tried to dismiss these thoughts, but part of my past emotions had been fake, so I couldn't completely deny it.
"Hot!"
I realized the cigarette had burned down to the base. The brief pain snapped me out of my confusion and gave me some mental breathing room. I lit a new cigarette with the old one to calm down.
"...Rain?"
When I lit the new cigarette, a water drop fell on it. I looked up, but everything was white and I couldn't see any rain clouds.
As I reached for the ashtray to put out the old cigarette, another drop fell on the back of my hand.
The cigarette I was trying to extinguish got damp from the water. I realized my vision was blurry.
I was crying.
"Huh? Wait, why am I crying... I'm a grown man in his thirties..."
The old man, who had been waiting quietly, spoke up.
"It's fine, it's fine. With your self-control not working, you can't contain the flood of emotions."
"So crying to calm your emotions is one way to handle it..."
"You don't need to bind your heart just because you're an adult. Right now, just be as you are."
"I'll wait patiently... until you calm down."
When did I decide I shouldn't cry? I cried out loud like a child. The old man followed the smoke rising from his pipe with his eyes, waiting patiently for me to calm down without rushing me.
The story's taking a while to progress... It's pretty verbose, but I think that's just the writing style. Please bear with it and read on.