5th September
I have grown quite accustomed to writing down my thoughts over the past few months. In a way, it has told me a great amount of my very own self as well as...the underlying problems that have festered within me for far, far too long. Much further before this all started. All the way back to the time before the trauma. Before my mother and... Abi. Hilarious, this may be the very first time I have ever printed her name in my diary. I guess I have been avoiding the past for far too long. It's much longer than I should have. And it is coming back to haunt me. To haunt all of us.
I never realised the concept of her becoming such a central part of my passion but that day that we once sat staring into the great space beyond our very heads I guess my mind had subconsciously accepted her very own dream as my own. To explore and understand the universe. I wanted to be there for her. To be a part of her life. Whenever she needed a place to stop and rest, my arms would always be open for her. Or that whenever it got too much, my shoulder was there for her to rest on. The moment I had seen her in such a sate; my soul was crushed.
My hopes and visions for our future came crumbling down. It was at that moment I understood the fragility of human life, how easily we can be stripped and removed from this very soil, and how easily it was to take love away from someone. And in my mind, the hatred that I had felt towards the world, the same hatred Abi had hidden away, came bubbling back and it was then I had lost all the principles and teachings that my mother had taught me.
Revenge is a disease. It breeds and festers, and before you know it, it has consumed not only you but those you love as well. And once it starts to spread, it doesn't stop until your entire world is nothing but rubble and dust.
I wonder if I had not killed him. If I had not picked up that gun, would things be different today? Would I have lived a normal life? It's still an eventful one but one without such pain and suffering that paved the way to what I have become today. Would my ideals have been different? Would the way I thought of the world and its inhabitants be much more... more hopeful? Would I be...more human?
But, deep down, I do not think my heart, nor my mind, wishes for any difference in my life. Even if I could repeat everything, I still believe I would make the same choices, make the same decisions, and end up back here writing about these thoughts all over again.
Humans are very interesting. And even if I try my best to detach myself from the rest of the world, I still am off the same species. I still have a heart that feels and a brain that thinks. I have eyes that see and ears that listen. And I have opinions and understanding just like everyone else. I can see that the things that I have come to learn and understand are priceless.
Everything that happened in the past was so that I could become who I am today. The knowledge I have gained, the people I have met and understood, the crimes I have committed, all of it was to make me who I am. And I do not believe I wish to change that one bit. Even if what I am right now is a monster, that monster is still me. That child that I buried down into my heart that yearns for freedom is also me.
Humans aren't singular entities. We are all comprised of different concepts and versions like a play. We all have characters, and we all act out certain parts in certain places. And we change and adapt. We form new characters; new identities, and we shift from one mood to another. We age and we experience, and with that experience, we change ourselves. We become a different version. And that is good, we must keep changing, we must keep adapting, we must keep surviving.
If it is all an elaborate play at the hands of God, then as the actors, it is our duty to play our part in this play. And I shall continue my part. My part of being the monster. The villain.
For what else can I do except accept that there are certain things beyond my control?
This entry was not for any notes on any scientific breakthrough or problems I am having. It was just so that I could... take a moment to pull myself back up. I needed this to realise why I was trying so hard. To realise why I had gone past the brink of insanity and to the point that I was playing God with these very lives.
It was all for her. Her dream. Her hopes. The ones she couldn't fulfil, I shall do it for her. I'll understand the universe. Even if I must kill millions, I'll understand it. I won't fail. I can't fail.
Goodbye.
6th September 11:00am
Still no sign of Annabeth's awake. However, I have noted down some very odd and unusual things. Her body violently jerks at times, her arms moving wildly as if some sort of supernatural force has taken control of her body. She mutters unusual words and phrases. They seem almost gibberish but remind me of something.
Something alien.
Perhaps she has encountered them. But the only one who could speak in our language well enough and grant her such capabilities has to be Chaos. If so, how did she end up meeting him? Could it be that the unusual dream she had entered was Chaos's doing? Why would he intervene? Did I make a mistake? Did I breach the contract? Surely not, I was ever so careful?
I need to find a time to discuss this with him. But I have had no luck recently. He usually is always eager to talk to me. There has to be something I'm missing. Something big.
Think, think, think.
The dreams. In relation to the dreams. Has there been anything of interest with them? There was that mysterious problem with Jolynn entering other people's consciousness, but would that be of any interest to him. If so, I need to examine Jolynn much closer. There must be something about her, about her past. He was always eager when we spoke on Jolynn, saying that there was something up with her.
Could she also be the reason as to the sudden glitches in the dream world? Or is it something else. Jolynn does not seem to have a clue as to what she is doing, but maybe Chaos has spoken to her as well.
The only other option is me. Have I messed up somewhere? Did I cause the cracks? I'm not sure. I need to investigate. I need to enter Jolynn's mind and see what is going on. Maybe I could find Annabeth there as well. Maybe I can use Jolynn to enter into Annabeth's. I've tried a lot, but something is blocking me from accessing Annabeth's consciousness. Chaos is. But why? Why after all we have achieved together? Something else is happening. I shall note down more after thorough observance.
Goodbye.
6th September 15:00pm
Alright. I am back. I must write down the things I have seen from Michael. He is...remarkable. It is truly astonishing. There is nothing less than a wild beast. The way he moves and fights, it's almost as if he becomes an animal. Like his whole body manifests into a different being. The animalistic side of him is very prominent when placed into such a setting.
Granted, he has spent his entire existence living in such a place that his whole ability to reason on a human level becomes completely overridden the moment he returns to such an environment. The way he slaughters the animals, to the lack of care and mercy he has all encompasses everything we have seen from creatures.
But to witness it in a human, it puts serial killers to shame. The psychopathic and predatorial nature Michael holds is key. It is key in building an army full of wild beasts. Place on the fear of 001 dying, and I have created the perfect weapon. Now I must continue training him. I need him to perfect his fighting. And then I shall also educate him. Myself.
A strong leader isn't one who can fight, nor is it one who can strategize. A strong leader is one who has the ability to topple armies with his mind and his body in perfect balance.
As for 001, I have made sure that the bond between them two continues to grow until being alone from one another is worse than hell. Having connections makes it easier to manipulate someone. Feelings fester and grow, and once you realise it, you are too far into the relationship. And at that moment, there is no escape.
Michael is slowly pushing towards that place, and the moment he enters that; I can command him without hesitation. 001 will become his only ray of hope and morality. And outside of the cage, he will have no emotion. A perfect balance, just like I said. Emotion and emotionless at different moments.
Duality is a challenging thing to achieve, and those who achieve it are vastly superior to the rest of the world. That is all. These advances are thrilling. I feel as if we are approaching the end. Let the story continue.
Hanc fabulam simul finiamus.
Data Log
Subject Name: Chaos
Real Name: Unknown
Birthday: Unknown
Time of Birth: Unknown
Age: Older than the universe
Height: 6'8
Weight: N/A
Appearance: Error
Blood Type: Error
Parents: N/A
Siblings: N/A
Personality: Alien
Error
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