Horizontal… Position…
Feel the sheer power of those two simple words. I lay on the warm, hard ground, pondering how to add another star to this shitty hotel. The comfort level here isn't exactly five-star. The first task I gave my padawans slammed into harsh reality. There's fuck-all in hell to make a mattress with. Sure, my history with that thing isn't great. One night cost me a fucking fortune. The pimps around here are brutal as hell. What if I'd invited some chick with low social responsibility? The world would've exploded from that combo.
Still, Vyer kept up his bone-breaking in his black cloak. No cotton plantations in sight, so I decided to ask about it.
"Hey, where'd you get that outfit?"
"The boss gave it," Vyer said. (Whoa, so he does have normal clothes.) "He says his servants have to go topside looking like this. Says, 'Demons gotta be mysterious.'"
Fucking fairy-tale dipshit… But, on the flip side, if Vyer showed up in a city with that ugly mug, it'd cause a goddamn riot. If the baron saw him, his servants would be shoveling shit out of the room for days.
"Where's he get the clothes?"
"He sends servants to the surface now and then. They bring 'em back."
Now that's interesting. Could be some wiggle room here.
"Don't the gates kill demons?"
"I told you, the boss can lend his power for a bit."
"Got it… Couldn't you ask to go topside?"
I didn't want that nutcase boss catching wind of my little coup, but I needed to know all my options.
"Nah, I can only go for missions. For anything else, I look too menacing. Boss said I'd scare everyone."
Did he actually have a logical thought?
"So who does he send? Are there demons that don't look as menacing (read: hideous)?"
"Yeah. Some look like humans."
"Gross… They're fucking nasty," Grok added.
"They're called succubi."
Succubi… Succubi… Succubi… Succubi…
It hit me like a fucking lightning bolt. I was speechless. The gears in my head spun like crazy. Even my thought-speed buff was chilling on the sidelines. Of course… I'm in hell… If this fantasy world has demons, why not succubi? They're creatures that do… something with dreams or whatever… I don't remember, but that's bullshit. Doesn't matter. What matters is they're supposed to be smoking hot babes who don't know the word "no." Right? Am I right? Please, let me be right! This world's kicked me in the balls with my expectations too many times. My hopes have been crushed like grapes under Celentano's feet. Just once… I'm begging… Let it be how I imagine.
"Uh… Vyer, how much do they look like humans?"
"Well… Their skin's the same color. Small horns. Same scrawny build. About your size. Just got some weird lumps on their chests…"
"Enough! Stop there!" I cut Vyer off. Sure, I'm curious about their anatomy, but things are trending well, so let's not tempt fate.
"Listen, buddy, could you bring one here? I need it. I mean… It's crucial for your training."
"Nope, impossible."
"NOTHING'S FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE!!! FOR THE GLORIOUS DEMONS OF HIS MAJESTY, NO BARRIERS EXIST! THEY'RE ALL IN YOUR HEAD! SET A CLEAR GOAL AND CHARGE TOWARD IT! YOU WANNA BE STRONGER, RIGHT? SAY IT!"
"I do…"
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!"
"I do!"
"That's better. Now tell me, how the hell did a dumbass word like 'impossible' even get in your head?"
"Uh, what?"
"Why'd you say it's impossible, you moron?!"
"Oh… They only listen to the boss."
Damn. This'll be tricky. Threatening a demon in hell's pointless. Plus, sending these meatheads on that mission is a bust. Gotta offer something.
"Sensei, what's a moron?"
"A huge, terrifying demon from the depths of hell. Old demonic term."
"Cool. So I'm a moron?"
"The biggest. Tell me, how do you bribe a succubus? What're they into?"
"They drain humans' life force. It's their favorite thing."
"Grok, can you heal that?"
"What?"
"Fuck, can you restore life force?!"
"Guess not."
"YOU'RE THE MOST USELESS PIECE OF SHIT IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD!!!"
Alright. Calm down. I've got some ideas about what "draining life force" looks like, but it's just a theory. Could be fucking dangerous. Gotta be cautious and smart. No rushing in. First, what's life force? Life force… What the hell is it? Gotta think this through. So, what is it? … Fuck… I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE! I can't think anymore. Pull it together! What do we know about biology? Biology… Humans have biology. A biologist invented biology. What's biology study? Right… Something about mating, reproduction, fertilization, courtship, and all that. Think, what could count as "life force"? Maybe it's… Maybe it's… Screw it! You don't try, you don't find out! No risk, no banging at fourteen. Fourteen in this body! I forgot what a vagina even looks like!
"Vyer, listen close. I've got a critical mission for you, but not a word to the boss."
"I can't do that…"
"Don't interrupt! You wanna be strong? Picture the boss's face when he realizes you're out of his league. He doesn't want you stronger, no… He's old and jealous. He crushes any attempt to shake things up. That's why he stuck you out here. Out of sight. But now's your chance to put him in his place. I'm the only one who can help. New training methods will shoot you to the top, trust me. But if he finds out, your dreams'll be crushed like the first snow at a subway entrance. While he's clueless, you've got a shot to rise up… ahem… to demonhood. Got it?"
"Think I get it," Grok said. "If the boss doesn't know, we're good."
A million points to Grok for brains!
"Perfect. Grok, you're on this mission. Listen up. You need to bring a succubus here, no matter what."
"I hate them. They're gross."
"Shut your trap! If you only do what you like, you'll never make it. Step out of your comfort zone!"
"Fine…" the big guy muttered.
"Tell her I've got what she needs. Got it?"
Grok barely nodded his massive head and trudged off behind the rock, clearly pissed. Meanwhile, the ground beneath me burned. I couldn't sit still. I set some boundaries for myself. Possible scenarios and my reactions:
Tail — Generally fine. Depending on look and size, could even be sexy. But in certain positions, it might get in the way or slap my face.
Wings — Depends on their look. Don't expect much, though. I'm in hell, not heaven. Probably creepy bat wings that'll be a pain. The thought of bats killed my vibe.
Hooves — This scares me most, even if I'm not a foot fetishist. But I'm also not insert nationality.
Fur — I can't handle that. God, keep the rest, but take that away.
Ugly face — There's ways around that problem.
Extra weight — Come on, that's too much. Let's be a bit optimistic.
Overall, the positive options are slim. But maybe I'm demonizing this for no reason.
After a while, Grok returned with a girl. The fact I already clocked her as a girl had me stoked. As they got closer, I checked her out. She wore a plain t-shirt and shorts, which felt weird. Regular female face with a permanent sneer of contempt. Medium-length dark hair, barely showing a pair of tiny horns. Average build, small boobs, maybe a B-cup. Behind her swayed impressive bat-like wings, and a long black tail dragged on the ground. Her legs were furry, ending in small hooves. I scanned her from head to toe and sighed.
Fuck it…
So… That day, I earned 1,000 experience points.