I didn't leave the apartment all day.
Not because i was embarrassed.
Not because i was sorry.
But because he didn't react.
I kissed him.
On the lips.
And he didn't react.
Didn't push me away, didn't pull me closer, didn't even breathe differently. He just looked at me like i said something mildly strange.
Like i asked if the sky was still blue today.
No raised brows.
No furrowed forehead.
No cracked smile. Nothing.
So i stayed inside.
Smoked too much.
Didn't eat.
Barely blinked.
My thoughts were louder than the city outside. And the kiss? It replayed over and over and over like a broken song stuck in the loop of the same damn chorus.
I didn't regret it. I never regret anything. But it left a bitter taste on my tongue.
Worse than my third cigarette of the afternoon.
I leaned back on my mattress, the back of my head hitting the wall, smoke curling from the tip of my Marlboro Gold like a lifeline.
My eyes burned, but i didn't know if it was from the smoke or the kiss that landed nowhere.
Just when i thought i'd spend the rest of the night in this little pit of silence i carved for myself, there was a knock.
Three knocks. Firm. Familiar.
I didn't answer. Just stared at the wall like i was in some indie music video where the girl is falling apart in slow motion.
Then came his voice.
"Cass?"
Ken.
Still i didn't move.
He must've heard the soft exhale of smoke or the creak of my bed, because the door opened slightly.
Hindi ko naman talaga sinarado 'yon ng maayos. Or maybe i wanted him to come in.
He did.
No shoes, no hesitations.
He walked straight to my room and sat at the edge of my bed like he'd done it a hundred times before. Like this was a routine.
I didn't look at him. Not yet. I could feel his presence, though. Like a quiet pressure beside me. His cologne mixed with the faint smell of beer and fabric softener.
Then, finally, he said it.
"We're drinking outside. Garden area. Celine's here. You've met the guys. If you wanna join."
He stood after that. As if he wasn't sure i'd say yes.
But i stubbed out my cigarette, slipped on the hoodie lying near my feet, and followed him without a word.
Not because i wanted to see him.
But because i wanted to see her.
The garden was lit with those fairy string lights, cheap but charming.
The table was cluttered with bottles of soju, a few Red Horse cans, and bags of chicharon.
One of the guys, Ellie, I think was laughing too loud.
The other one, Franco, was trying to balance a shot glass on his forehead.
Celine looked up the moment we arrived. Her lips curved immediately. She didn't say it, but her eyes did: He brought her.
Ken pulled a chair for me.
Sat beside me like it meant something.
Like he knew it would make me feel less... less like the fifth wheel at a date.
But it didn't help.
Because every time Celine laughed at something Ken said, I felt the laugh echo against my ribcage.
And the way Ken looked at her? God. I wished i hadn't noticed.
They had that look.
The one you don't fake.
The one you don't force.
The one you only get with someone who's seen you at your worst and still chooses to stay.
They didn't touch. But they didn't have to.
You could feel it in the air between them.
Old lovers.
Unresolved.
Unspoken.
Undeniable.
"Hey," Franco leaned in, holding out a shot glass toward me. "You good?"
I nodded. Took the shot. Swallowed it with practiced ease.
Then Ken stood. "Wait, may kukunin lang ako sa unit."
He left.
I watched him go.
Watched her eyes follow him too.
The moment he was gone, Ellie leaned closer to Celine with a grin.
"Eh bakit di pa kayo? Halata naman, Celine."
Franco joined in. "You still love him, right? We can all see it."
Celine just laughed. Too light. Too evasive.
But she didn't deny it.
She didn't need to.
Because i could see it in her eyes when she looked toward the hallway where Ken had walked away.
She loved him still.
And from where i was sitting, it looked like Ken might love her too.
I stood.
Didn't say a word.
Just grabbed my cigarette pack, nodded to no one in particular, and walked away.
The hallway was quiet.
The lights overhead flickered slightly.
I didn't wait for Ken.
Didn't care to know if he brought back what he went up for.
I just went inside my unit.
Lit another cigarette.
And let the smoke fill the silence.