Chapter 37: Kotomine Kirei
A Pseudo-Servant created based on a certain priest who pursued pleasure.
Kotomine Kirei!
"Shounen, it seems you're in a bit of trouble."
Father Kotomine spoke in a deep, magnetic voice.
"..."
"Why so quiet? Is my face that shocking to you?"
He spoke calmly.
"You are..."
"Just a priest who happened to pass by. Is there something about that that bothers you?"
"No, not at all..." Eikou hurriedly shook his head. "Just a little surprised, that's all. When did you get here?"
"Right when that blond young man stripped off all his clothes, looking like a newborn pure being."
Father Kotomine said calmly:
"I happened to be passing by and was drawn in by the spicy aroma coming from this classroom. The thick, tongue-burning sauce, the crimson broth embodying every human desire, and that searing heat that scorches the tongue — this is the ultimate dish I have always sought!"
"Shounen, can you tell me who created this divine Mapo Tofu?"
"No one else but me."
Eikou looked a bit helpless.
"I didn't make it to please anyone, but if someone likes it… well, that's fine too."
"A perfect dish like this came from your hands? Hoho, truly, one should never judge by appearances." Kotomine raised an eyebrow. "I saw there was still plenty left in the pot, so I couldn't resist taking a big bowl. I hope you don't mind."
"It's fine, even if you finish the whole pot."
"What? You'd generously give an entire pot of such a heavenly dish to a mere stranger? Shounen, you truly have the makings of a saint."
Kotomine smiled contentedly, scooping another mouthful of Mapo Tofu. Instantly, beads of sweat appeared on his face.
"However, I'm not good at accepting unconditional kindness. Such one-sided relationships… are best cut cleanly. Still, allow me to repay you for this meal — consider it my way of returning the favor."
"Well…"
Should he really rely on such a dangerous-looking man…?
Eikou could almost hear the radar in his mind blaring in alarm; every pore on his body screamed danger in the presence of this ominous priest.
But this was the man who once said, 'The wicked sometimes do good out of fleeting curiosity' — maybe this was one of those rare moments?
More importantly, Charlemagne and Gawain were in grave danger; there was no time to hesitate.
"All right, there is something — my friends are trapped inside that robot. Can you call someone to help them?" Eikou asked quickly.
"No need to call anyone."
Kotomine Kirei flexed his wrist, his knuckles cracking audibly.
His tall, solid build made it clear he was far stronger than he looked — clearly someone who trained regularly.
"If it's only rescuing them, I alone am enough."
Kotomine finished the last bite of Mapo Tofu, stood up, and strode straight toward the robot Shinji-kun.
"'Shinji-kun', huh… A gluttonous robot modeled after that arrogant, insecure, seaweed-haired boy — truly a dark comedy of this world. A grotesque machine like that is better off destroyed early."
"Be careful! My friends are still caught in its grip!" Eikou quickly warned.
"It's fine. I always act with restraint." Kotomine only smiled faintly.
To be honest—if one were to set aside Kotomine Kirei's dark past and all his suspicious actions—his appearance here truly resembled that of a wandering hero.
Like a drifter from a Western film: treated to a meal, and in return, immediately wiping out a band of bandits for the townsfolk — a true deus ex machina walking among mortals.
And at the very moment Kotomine Kirei took action—
Eikou saw two dice appear and roll above his head.
[Kotomine Kirei – The Passing Stranger – has temporarily joined your party.]
[To save Gawain and Charlemagne, the pleasure-seeker has taken action.]
[Check Agility – Great success.]
[Check Strength – Great failure.]
Father Kotomine, what the hell are you doing?! How can you have both a great success and a great failure?!
Kotomine's eyes sharpened, and he suddenly unleashed a lightning-fast "hand strike" — the kind meant to kill in a single blow.
That sneak attack was so practiced that anyone could tell — this was far from his first time doing such a thing.
However, he forgot that his opponent wasn't human — even a critical strike couldn't stop it.
Instead, the blow sent Shinji-kun into complete chaos, triggering a berserk rampage.
Kotomine Kirei widened his eyes. Taking advantage of the moment when the robot opened its mouth in reaction, he immediately reached in and yanked the two knights free.
Charlemagne and Gawain fell to the ground, but neither seemed seriously injured.
"What the hell?!"
Eikou was so shocked his jaw nearly hit the floor.
"Unbelievable… that guy… actually did it?!"
Kotomine Kirei stood tall and composed, while the severely damaged Shinji-kun staggered, collapsing against him — yet still not shutting down.
Even Eikou, ever wary of Kotomine, couldn't help but feel a trace of admiration.
"You're amazing, Father! On behalf of the Fairy Kingdom and Queen Morgan, I thank you!"
"Wait..."
"What's wrong, Father?"
"I..."
Kotomine Kirei wiped the sweat from his forehead, his voice awkward, his movements suddenly stiff.
"My 'Black Key' down there also got caught by this machine..."
Even the priest got trapped too?! What the hell did you feed Shinji-kun today? Forget being a cooking robot — it might be better off as a sex toy for men at this point!
You just showed up and already embarrassed yourself, Kotomine Kirei — your dignity's gone, man!
"What the hell are you all doing, taking turns fighting it?!"
Eikou roared in exasperation.
"No, shounen, I'm seriously suffering here… Please, help me out of this mess. I'm currently avoiding some unnecessary trouble. The residual problems from this host body's past still bother me even now."
"What residual problems?"
"I'm being hunted by Emiya Assassin, Cu Chulainn, Da Vinci, Amour (Karen), and the goddesses of Mesopotamia——ah, looks like they've arrived. I'll leave the rest to God."
Eikou turned toward the direction of his gaze — outside the classroom window, the hallway was already filled with Servants.
These… these were all Kotomine Kirei's old enemies?!
Just the lineup alone was enough to make anyone break into a cold sweat. Seriously, how did this priest manage to piss off so many people at once?
"Perfect," Principal Da Vinci said with a bright smile, walking over. "Eikou, you've done it again!"
"I… I didn't even do anything?"
"Oh no, no, you did. We were just worrying about how to find him, and your Mapo Tofu lured in this priest with his hopelessly cursed sense of taste."
Da Vinci gave a thumbs-up.
"Congratulations, everyone! Full marks for your Home Economics exam. Your Mapo Tofu has achieved great merit. Excellent work, you may go now — it's time for some old acquaintances to have a chat."
"This perfect score… can I take it as hush money?" Eikou couldn't help but ask.
A beautiful silver-haired, golden-eyed nun walked past him with a sweet smile. "Remember to lock the door on your way out, okay? We need to have a nice, long talk with Father. Oh, and please don't tell anyone what happened here."
"Y-yes..."
Watching each Servant step into the room, Kotomine Kirei tried to retreat—only to suddenly remember that his 'Black Key' was still tightly clamped by Shinji-kun.
"Farewell, father!"
Without hesitation, Eikou grabbed Oberon, the Knights of the Round Table, and Charlemagne's Twelve Paladins, turning and running away without so much as a glance back.
[Though not in the way you imagined, you still successfully passed the retake exam.]
[Even though no one took a single bite, your Mapo Tofu still received widespread praise!]
[You obtained the Craft Essence "Ultra-Spicy Mapo Tofu" and one Encouragement Dice.]
[You feel Father Kotomine Kirei's lingering obsession with Mapo Tofu.]
[You have learned a new skill, "Poison Resistance E."]
[Before leaving, you even made sure to lock the classroom door for the Servants, creating a closed space for them and the priest to "talk" thoroughly.]
[Congratulations, your Home Economics exam has concluded perfectly!]