Small failures, when experienced, do not amount to much. The very little things of stubbing one's toe, forgetting one's assignment, and shading the wrong letters of an exam are the trivialities of daily life.
However, if one's resentment goes unnoticed and the mistakes pile up, it becomes something else.
'It is no… I am no good.'
The sound of her coughing echoed throughout the room. It was a huge room the size of a warehouse. It contained nothing except for a futon. Traces of burnt marks could be seen everywhere along with broken fragments of toiletries.
Mei looked at her hand once again. Bright red blood stained her fair white hands. An overwhelming sense of weakness swept through her entire body. Cracks littered around her Golden Core. It is not the same as shattering one's Golden Core and giving birth into a Nascent Soul… but the destruction of it.
The thought of it woke Mei up. Her mind is riddled with negative thoughts—inner demons. Outside of tribulations, it appears within a cultivator's meditation session.
Immortal cultivators inherently defy their fate. They are forced to face their biggest fears head-on. Inner demons are included in this category.
Whoever passes goes further in the immortal path, while those who fall will meet their end: dissipation of mind, failure of the physical body, and the obliteration of the soul.
'I… I don't want to..! But… but..!'
Self-loathing.
Anger.
Frustration.
Helplessness.
Mei's barely ignited fighting spirit was doused instantly. Her stomach churned—literally and figuratively—as she spat yet another pool of blood. Her body turned cold at the thought of suffering from another failure.
'Despite having everything… I am useless!'
It all started from the day she became an immortal cultivator.
"Immortal cultivators hold their fates in their palm."
The first lesson Shi Tian imparted to her was permanently etched onto her mind. The premise of an immortal cultivator is improvement. It is a race against time, but at the same time, the process of becoming a better version of yourself. It rewards effort with tangible benefits—power to singlehandedly change the entire world.
From then on, Mei's focus changed from her high school studies to immortal cultivation. Her talent is in the upper percentile. A high grade spirit root guaranteed one's passage to the Void Refinement Realm. They are absolute behemoths capable of affecting galaxies with one thought. The solar system alone was a vast world for Raiden Mei, what more of galaxies?
Her smooth-sailing journey ended not long after. The first hurdle appeared during the final confrontation on the Moon. Her steady cultivation and ordinary background yielded less results compared to the others—the four other high grade spirit roots whom she spent time together with.
Fu Hua has accumulated for almost 2,000 years.
Sin Mal grew up from a twisted adoptive family and possessed the aptitude to exploit Project STIGMA.
Bronya was a child soldier whose mental fortitude is miles beyond that of her peers.
Theresa was raised by the Otto Apocalypse and was destined for an extraordinary life.
Mei did not consider the fact these four were at the pinnacle of talented immortal cultivators. Seeing the gap she wanted to close to widenfurther filled her with disappointment.
Once again, she saw them contribute greatly to the final battle. Even Theresa, who was relegated to the sidelines, led the entire crew of Hyperion for a massive cleanup. Her mentality got worse when she heard of her teacher whose life is in grave danger.
She was the first one to visit Shi Tian. His physical body was akin to that of a mummy. Not an inch of his body wasn't covered in gauze. Golden blood seeped out occasionally. His mind was in slumber; his soul severely damaged. It was Kiana who took meticulous care of him.
'Teacher…'
Self-loathing took over her mind once again.
'I could not help him.'
The visit took a huge toll on her mind. Mei narrowly broke through the Golden Core Realm. She settled Queen Mei's affair and locked herself in full seclusion. Frustration fueled her motivation to grow…
'I will become stronger.'
…which turned out to be a huge mistake.
A Tao Heart is born out of a pure understanding of self. A hasty attempt born out of negative thoughts bears nothing. This statement was proven with Mei's experience.
Five years had passed without seeing a single progress of her third level Tao Heart. Such abysmal progress resulted in more frustration and self-doubt. Anyone who is experienced enough knows it is time to explore the outside world to cheer oneself up—much like touching grass outside after being in a ranked losestreak.
Mei chose to do the opposite.
'I don't believe it!'
She went further.
And so reality proved it to her.
Eighteen years had passed with zero improvements. Instead, all she got was self-inflicted injuries. Her cultivation started showing signs of regressing. Cracks appeared on her Golden Core.
The metaphysical Tao Heart exists as one's belief is anchored on the soul. Anything negative it experiences is shouldered by the soul. When the Tao Heart becomes unstable, the soul experiences immense pain and injuries.
Mei's eighteen years of stagnation slapped her hard in the face. Repeated failures consumed her will. Inner demons were born out of her negative thoughts. Her soul and physical body are in a continued state of decline.
Before she knew it, she was already standing at the edge of an endless cliff. The sudden realization brought a momentary sense of clarity.
"I… I did this to myself."
Nobody pressured her to seclude herself for eighteen years. The people around her would have given her help and advice had she asked for them.
The constant thought of self-loathing…
The repeated recollection of her teacher's dire state…
The pressure to catch up and be able to contribute more…
It is all on Mei.
The girl who never faced the real world's suffering dove head-on towards self-destruction. This time, Queen Mei was not with her.
'To stupidly act like that… it is undeserving of you.'
She had declared to Mei that she would surpass her—that she should set her mind straight.
Mei's eyes widened. The words Queen Mei said back then wasn't her scorn. It was a gentle reminder, just as how she was beside her when she started cultivating.
Out of everyone, it was she who knew Mei best. She knew what Mei strove for.
Acknowledgement.
It was the acknowledgement of her father at first. Becoming Chiba Academy's top student was the least she could do.
She wanted to be acknowledged.
This time, her subject was changed to Shi Tian. It was why it brought her a profound impact when she saw her very own teacher in a near-death state.
Forget acknowledgement, she couldn't even help her teacher!
"I can't do anything right."
Mei's downfall began. Her symptoms intensified to their utmost limits. Her mind was soon brought onto an imaginary scenario.
And for better or for worse…
'Oh no.'
…Shi Tian happened to be present at this exact instance.