Last option, huh? Why would you say such thing? Even though you don't have feelings, maybe there is someone who has them. Tons of them. The feelings that piled up that every one of them looks similar. Love looks like hate, and hate is kind of related to kindness. That's how messy they are in my soul. Did you have to bring it up and throw at my face? Don't you think I always think about how I am the lowest? I even expected that that freaking sord would never choose and turn into ashes, instead of choosing the last, insignificant, loneliest, and the most pathetic elf. The elf who even couldn't protect the most important elf to him. How can I even defeat that witch? I mean, I cannot see her because my head always looks at the ground. Always bowed. Always. That absurd and creepy head are too afraid to raise again. What if my mom never died and waiting for me to look at her?! She would show her disappointed face that would kill me in seconds. What kind of mother want to her son as lowest elf?! Is there more cursed title other than "the last wielder of the wish sword". You get the sword last not because you deserve it, but you are the... "last" option.
Aeren's thought that messy at that time. He left the room and leave the girl alone. He came and sat on the sofa in front of fireplace. He sat there for hours while trying to come up with a plan to defeat Aradia. He imagined all the ways he could defeat her. Only one way seemed realistic and not quite impossible: using the wish sword. If he managed to wish for a weapon that can hurt the evil witch, it might make his fight way easier.
But when Aeren tried to take out the sword from his soul, he hands started tremble. He was afraid what will happen when he holds the sword. Will the same thing come out when he held it last time? Will that sword tell him one more time again that he is an unworthy coward? Will his mother be looking at him with those eyes?
He started to hit his right hand with his left hand. He was screaming inside him: "Why? Why don't you just stop trembling? Why are you acting like an innocent? How dare you to tremble, you worthless scum?!". He didn't stop until blood came out of his nails. Again, holding his hand, he was looking at the floor. A drop of water fell on the floor. It was unstoppable patter of tears. "Acting like an innocent is the best you could do? Why can't I just atone my sins simply? Was my doing that little that I'm just living without any suffering or pain?" thought he.
Around the noon, the girl woke up and left the room. She found Aeren inside the empty fireplace. "At least lit a fire," said she. He was all dirty because of the ashes, yet he was not moving from there, holding his knees. She looked at his completely red eyes. "It's not a good time for regrets, so stop hurting yourself. Come out here. We should prepare things for our leaving."
"I can't get the wish sword out of me. I tried, but I couldn't summon it" said Aeren. "Sorry for disappointing you. I can't be any of help. I mean you can't even be disappointed, huh?" he laughed as he said that. As he was laughing at himself for being pathetic, which was true. "I'm sorry. I'm at fault again when I thought I could finally find a way to... to... to forgive myself."
"You cannot summon the sword because you mind haven't declared what you wish most and honestly yet," said the girl. "It's the way of your thinking about yourself that stops you from doing it."
"What does that mean exactly?" he loosened his knees from his arms and asked while still looking down, seeing nothing but ashes.
"That means there's another feeling, the more honest one. But you cannot accept it, for it seems too good to be true."
He stared at her for a minute and said: "There's no way. It's impossible for me to have this feeling. I'm not worthy of it."
"You realized it yourself, huh? You can be 'kind', Aeren."
"No, I can't"
"There's goodness inside of you"
"Of course, there isn't" cried from inside of the fireplace. "All the things I've done was no more than being a problem. I couldn't give back anything. I even couldn't save the most important person in my life. How can I say that I've kindness in when... when... when there's nothing."
"You don't have to be a kind person to be kind. All it takes the desire that lives inside you. You're just thinking too much."