Let me explain.
No, there is too much. Let me summarize.
After barely surviving my own existential courtroom drama, acquiring the final shard of the Mask of Echo, and (accidentally?) ascending to some half-divine glitch-tier of existence—you'd think the world would let me rest.
It did not.
Instead, I woke up in the Department of Eternal Management's HR Division.
Yes. HR.
Yes. For gods.
The office was, in a word, upsetting.
Desks floated at different temporal speeds. The walls wept ink. There was a motivational poster that said "Hang in there, your multiverse implosion is only temporary!" with a kitten dangling over a time rift.
A small bell on the desk rang itself repeatedly until I approached.
SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: "Welcome, Kael. An HR complaint has been filed against you. Defendant: Echo Sovereign (Unauthorized). Complainant: THE SPOON."
...Excuse me?
The receptionist was a bored-looking cosmic intern with a typewriter for a face.
"Reason for visit?"
"Apparently my Spoon is suing me?"
The intern sighed. "Ugh, this is like the fourth one this cycle. Take a seat, the tribunal will call you shortly."
I glanced at the seating area. Chairs rearranged themselves every few seconds like they were avoiding commitment. One turned inside-out when I looked at it.
I sat on the floor.
A glowing door opened. A voice boomed:
"KAEL, UNAUTHORIZED REINCARNATE, YOU MAY NOW ENTER THE HALL OF PETTY DIVINE GRIEVANCES."
That… felt targeted.
The tribunal chamber looked like a courtroom had a nervous breakdown in a library. Floating scrolls screamed legal jargon. A gavel wept quietly in a corner.
At the center: three judges. One was a loaf of bread. One was a void in a tie. The third was Fluffernox in reading glasses.
"Oh no," I muttered.
Fluffernox purred. "Court is now in session."
"Prosecution, please state your case," said Void-Tie.
The Spoon floated dramatically into the center of the chamber, glowing with righteous indignation.
"Your honors, I have been emotionally neglected by my wielder. I have undergone significant metaphysical stress. I was dipped in acidic soup without consent. And worst of all, Kael forgot our anniversary."
I blinked. "We have an anniversary?"
"YOU FOUND ME IN CHAPTER TWO, KAEL."
Bread-Judge gasped.
"I was busy getting un-masked and mentally unhinged!"
"Objection!" shouted the Spoon. "Being emotionally compromised is not an excuse for poor utensil friendship maintenance!"
Void-Tie nodded sagely. "Valid point."
The trial proceeded with alarming enthusiasm.
Exhibits included:
A projection of me screaming during a soup baptism.
A replay of the time I called the Spoon "pointy tableware."
A love letter from the Spoon to a ladle it met once in Chapter 17. It was... disturbingly poetic.
"Is this necessary?" I asked.
Fluffernox pushed up his glasses. "It builds character."
Character witnesses included:
Belladonna, who testified: "Kael is deeply emotionally stunted but trying his best. Also, he makes excellent soup."
Seraphina, who said: "He once tripped over his own identity crisis and landed in my lap. That has to count for something."
Mirielle, who simply stared at the judges and whispered, "He's mine, back off."
The Mask of Echo, who appeared briefly to mutter: "He is chaos incarnate, but we like him."
At last, the Spoon made its closing statement:
"I do not seek punishment. Only acknowledgment. I have been Kael's closest ally, his sarcastic weapon, his muse. And yet... no thank-you dinners. No ceremonial polishings. He gave a crown to a soup pot before he gave one to me."
Oof.
Void-Tie turned to me. "Defendant Kael, do you have any closing remarks?"
I stood.
Took a breath.
Looked at the Spoon.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I forgot the anniversary. I'm sorry I called you tableware. I'm sorry I used you to stir the infinite consommé of Eldrich Madness without your permission."
The Spoon quivered.
"You're more than a weapon. You're family. And I do appreciate you. Even when you cause me irreparable narrative damage."
Fluffernox wiped a tear.
Bread-Judge sobbed, then toasted.
Verdict: Reconciliation approved.
The Spoon zoomed to my side and booped me affectionately on the forehead.
"Apology accepted. But I expect a holiday in my honor."
"Done. Spoon Day. Annual. Soup-based."
"With hats."
"...Fine."
Void-Tie banged the gavel. "Case closed. Now please exit through the fourth existential hallway before we all become metaphors."
I stepped out into a familiar sky. One shard heavier. One spoon lighter.
The world waited.
And I, Kael, Glitch-Class Reincarnate, had just won a divine HR trial.
Next time on Kaelverse: Belladonna reads Kael's diary. Fluffernox attempts godhood. And someone actually tries to kiss Kael on purpose.
Bring backup.