The room hangs in eerie silence. Dust particles drift lazily through the air. Ichigo Kurosaki — or rather, Sakata Gintoki forcibly branded as Ichigo — pants heavily, Lake Toya… no, Zangetsu, gripped tight in his hands.
His new black shihakushō flutters in the fading aftermath of spiritual pressure.
"Damn…" Ichigo mutters, peering down at the giant wooden sword. "Still Lake Toya. You can rename it all you want, System, but it's still Lake Toya to me."
[Correction: Current weapon registered as 'Zangetsu.' Accept your fate, Host.]
Ichigo rolls his eyes. "Yare yare… This is worse than that time I had to play a romantic interest in a shoujo drama just to pay rent."
Across the wrecked room, Misaka 10031 — playing Rukia Kuchiki with her signature emotionless expression — struggles to her feet, her sleeve torn and bloodied.
"Assessment: Target eliminated. Room status: catastrophic. Host performance: above expectations."
Ichigo waves his massive sword around carelessly, nearly knocking over what's left of a lamp.
"Oi, short stuff, you gonna explain what the hell that thing was? And why you stabbed me like we're in some tragic romantic flashback episode?"
Misaka dusts herself off, ignoring the lamp's dramatic fall.
"Designated term: Hollow. Corrupted spirit. Attracted to your overpowered spiritual energy. Elimination protocol necessary."
"You keep saying 'spiritual energy' like it's a new type of ramen seasoning. What the hell does that mean for me?!"
Misaka points at him, a spark of something like annoyance flickering in her monotone.
"Meaning you are now temporary substitute Soul Reaper. Responsibility transferred. Congratulations."
The System immediately dings.
[Quest Accepted: 'Bleach Main Plot Progression — Part 1' Reward: +5,000 Yen transferred to Yorozuya account.]
"Oi, where's my cut of that?!"
Misaka ignores him again and surveys the carnage. The house is in absolute shambles — scorch marks on the walls, a crater in the floor, and several Elizabeth plushies partially melted by spiritual energy residue.
The two Elisabese twins, aka Yuzu and Karin, remain unconscious on the sofa, clutching signboards that now read 'Zzz…'
Ichigo scratches his head. "My old man's gonna kill me."
As if summoned by name, Katsura — still acting as Isshin — groans and stirs from the rubble. He sits up with a dramatic cough and brandishes a new signboard: 'I saw the light. It was Elizabeth.'
Ichigo squats down next to him.
"Oi, Zura… I mean, old man. You alright?"
Katsura gives a thumbs up, only to immediately pass out again.
"Yeah, he'll live," Ichigo mutters.
Misaka limps over and drops down on a pile of shattered Elizabeth bobbleheads.
"Situation: I am unable to perform Soul Reaper duties until recovery. You, Ichigo Kurosaki, must assume responsibilities."
"Oi, how about a 'please'? Or a contract negotiation?"
"Denied."
Ichigo groans, planting the massive Zangetsu/Lake Toya into the floorboards. "This was not in the job description Kagura and Shinpachi handed me."
He looks toward the camera.
"Yes, I'm breaking the fourth wall, sue me."
Misaka raises a brow.
"Unusual behavior: possible brain damage."
Ichigo waves her off. "Fine. I'll clean up your Hollow mess. But I swear, if another giant naked thing comes through that wall, I'm charging double."
Another System ding.
[New Side Quest: 'Deal With the Next Hollow.' Reward: 3,000 Yen and a Limited-Edition Elizabeth Keychain.]
"…Okay, maybe this job has perks."
Misaka crosses her arms.
"Training begins tomorrow. 0500 hours. No objections permitted."
"I object."
"Objection noted. Denied."
He sighs, rubbing the back of his head.
Looking over at the sleeping Yuzu and Karin, Ichigo's gaze softens.
"I'll protect them. Giant creepy monster dudes or not."
A faint smile — barely perceptible — tugs at the corner of Misaka's lips.
"Acceptable."
Ichigo hefts his ridiculous wooden sword, eyeing the new hole in the wall.
"Guess this means I'm a Soul Reaper now, huh?"
[System: Yes. No refunds.]
"…Figures."
The scene freeze-frames on Ichigo's annoyed expression, a narrator voice dramatically declaring:
"NEXT TIME ON BLEACH 2.0: MORE HOLLOW, MORE DEBT, AND MORE LAKE TOYA."