A tear rolled down my face as my uncle walked me down the aisle, with my groom nowhere in sight. I was hurt at the possibility of him not showing up, not because I cared or wanted him to be present but because I knew whether he showed up or not the wedding would still happen. Is there a greater shame than getting married to a man who isn't even present at his wedding? Just when I had accepted my fate. I heard the priest mumble "Oh, here comes the groom"
My hands fidgeted as I looked straight ahead trying to avoid looking towards the aisle. I feel so anxious, maybe because I had never met him before or because his presence scares me. I don't think I want to ever see him, I wish I didn't have to.
In a few seconds a figure appeared in front of me, my gaze taking note of his olive green suit and white tie. I slowly raised my gaze, afraid of what I might see. I didn't even know what I was expecting to see until I saw him.
'Is this what crazy looks like?' I wondered. A soft gasp escaping my lips.
"I received your message." He said. His voice was confident and sure. Like a perfect low pitch, or a correct radio frequency.
"uhm," I stuttered unsure of what he was saying. He was a beautiful man. His face was nothing like I had expected and in fact he was one of the finest men I had ever seen.
"I do not understand you."
"A coward?" He asked.
Then it clicked. At the engagement dinner last week, I gave his brother a message to deliver to him and it wasn't so polite. I had said when he snapped out of his crazy episodes, he should tell Benson to stop being a coward and show up. My heart raced a little, I felt embarrassed.
"uhm," I tried defending myself but I didn't even know what to say. I had said those words out of annoyance that he didn't show up again and I was also tipsy that night.
"Better a coward than a slut."
My heart sank, I somehow understood the context of his words but at the same time I was confused.
"I'm sorry I don't understand?"
"I would rather be the coward who doesn't show up than the prostitute who sleeps with another man on her engagement night."
I froze. By now the priest had started talking but I couldn't hear anything he was saying. I think I was having a panic attack. My eyebrows aggressively pressed against each other as I looked at him. He still looked calm, like he hadn't done anything wrong, like he hadn't just said the most horrible words I had ever heard. He must truly be a mad man. I can't believe I am getting married to someone like this.
I turned my gaze to the audience as my eyes searched for my mother. I wanted to remind myself why I was doing this again. She was seated beside uncle Pete. Her innocent eyes staring at me with a blank expression. She was gone again. In her bubble again.
I tried to hold back the tears in my throat but started choking and coughing out loud.
"…until death do you part?" The priest's final words echo in my ears.
"Violet, say something." I could hear my sister whisper from the back.
"Uh,"
I sniffled and wiped a tear, hoping I could hold them back but I just couldn't.
I looked at my mum again. She was now smiling but her gaze was on something else, a butterfly in the aisle.
I folded my lips, and shook my head. 'Come on. Stop crying you idiot. You're doing this for your mum. You can do this. You can'
"Yes." My voice is low, but husky, almost invisible. I had gotten a sore throat from trying to hold back my tears.
The priest turned to Benson, and without hesitating he answered.
He was such a beast. Even though we both didn't want to be here, did he have to be so evil to me? Or was this one of his episodes?
"You may now kiss your bride."
At this point I was boiling. And hoping he wouldn't dare try to kiss me or even touch me but to my surprise he walked closer to me, not leaving any space between us. He put his face closer to my ear and whispered.
"Better behave, Violet. The paparazzi has just arrived. You know what that means."
Before I could utter a word, one of his hands calmly held the back of my head as he placed a kiss on my forehead. His lips were cold, and it made me shiver.
The flashlights and agitating sound of the audience's applause made my world spin and before I knew what was happening, everything went blank.
____
"Good evening, Mrs. Theodore."
An unfamiliar voice called out to me. It was one of the Theodore's maids. She was an elderly and welcoming woman. At least her voice made me believe so.
"Good evening, call me Violet, please." I answered. Even though I was married to Benson, I wasn't his wife. I would never see myself as his wife or act as one. I am not a Theodore.
She hesitated, then said yes when she saw I was quite serious and meant it.
I had fainted during the wedding and by the time I woke up I was at Benson's house, in the medical quarters. Still in my wedding dress and lying in bed. A young doctor attended to me and told me I was fine but just needed to avoid stress.
"Where is everyone?"
"Oh, madam Violet. I do not know much but the driver brought you here and told us to take good care of you."
I scoffed. So nobody could even accompany me? Did they want me to disappear so badly? I can understand my Mum because of her current state and uncle had also told me he would leave immediately after the wedding, but grandma couldn't keep her hate for me aside and show up? Not even my so called husband?
"Also, ma'am, your things have been moved to your room."
I wanted to ask her about Benson's where about but I couldn't bring myself to do so. I wanted to know if he seriously just ignored the fact that I passed out. I don't know why I expect anything from him after what he said to me.
I spent the night in the medical quarters. By morning, I was up very early. Benson was nowhere in sight and I was thankful for that because I woke up hating him even more today. Han, led me to my room, and I was relieved to see everything I owned there, however the thought of my mother crossed my mind. I wanted her here with me, not with grandma. But when I tried bringing up the conversation grandma made threats and refused, then we agreed I would go visit her every week.
I sat on the bed and let out a sigh, my gaze lands on the Harvard pamphlet a colleague from college had given me and immediately I was reminded of my dreams and how they didn't work out.
I angrily stood up from bed. My initial plan was to have my bath and change my dress so I could head downstairs for breakfast but I decided to go in my dress. After all, nobody could stop me from doing so. I walked down the stairs unsure of where I was going, I didn't know where I was headed to and the house was gigantic. I don't understand why a single young man would own such a grand house.
I was almost getting lost and going to the wrong room when I saw a strange young man.
"Ma'am, you must be looking for the dining, this way please."
I followed his lead. My expression changed at the sight of Benson, seated at the table.
"Thank you," I said, making my way to a seat by the table.
I stayed seated as two young maids brought new dishes to the table. They asked if they could serve me but I didn't want that so I declined. I didn't like the idea of being served. I am a picky eater and would rather do so myself so I could take my time to think about which one of the dishes I wanted.
After much contemplation I served myself and quietly ate. Benson quietly ate too, and we didn't say any word to each other.
I heard his cutleries drop on the plate and I figured he was done. But he wasn't leaving the table, almost as if he was staring at me.
"Why are you still in your dress?" His voice interrupted the peaceful silence I was enjoying.
I remained silent and continued eating.
"You must like drama and attention a lot. You faint at the wedding, and now you refuse to take off your wedding dress. Was the scandal on our engagement night not enough?"
My heart hurt on hearing his words, but I had to say something to defend myself. So I started, "You know," I looked at him. "For someone who is in an arranged marriage you seem to care too much about my personal life."
His eyes flinched, but he changed his expression and got up to leave the table. He had a smile on his face when he did and wonder what he must be up to.
Angry, I sighed and dropped the fork into the plate. Did he expect me to feel bad? I regret that night. I think about it everyday and the things that might have happened because I still do not remember anything. Truthfully I hope I do not remember because whatever happened must have been horrible and I will always hate myself for it.
He didn't come home all day and to be honest I didn't care. Until Han came to my room to let me know He was around with a visitor and requested my presence. I wondered what he wanted to see me for, but I still made my way downstairs anyway.
I walked into the living room to see him seated on the sofa with a young lady. As soon as they noticed my presence they both stopped their little chat and looked at me.