Given the Watcher's consistently cryptic attitude, Peter had no idea what the so-called Multiverse-level crisis was, or why he was the one supposed to solve it.
Then, when he arrived at the location, he understood.
Oh, it's the world of Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe!
Peter, who completely lacked this Earth's designation number, sighed. If the "Old Man Logan" Wasteland series was Marvel's attempt to create a tragic post-apocalyptic story, and "Marvel Zombies" was to cash in on the early 21st-century zombie craze, then the Deadpool Kills series was a meaningless, pointless, purely sensationalist curiosity.
"This Deadpool is incredibly terrifying. He slaughtered all the superheroes in his universe, even killing powerful cosmic beings and a member of my own race." The Watcher, who was giving Peter the rundown, saw the evil Deadpool's gaze lock onto him and quickly teleported away: "Oh no, he saw me."
"So, the only person responsible for stopping me is... er, Spider-Thor?"
"..."
Peter was silent for a moment before sighing helplessly: "So... how did you do it? How did you slaughter your entire universe?"
"How did I do it? Because you're all slaves and I'm free! You're just a comic book character, but I..."
"Alright, alright, let's talk about the details... For instance, how is it possible for you to kill Spider-Man? As far as I know, you just used a gun—"
"Like this!"
The evil Deadpool fired a shot, but Peter tilted his head, and the bullet missed: "See? That's completely illogical! What kind of Spider-Man gets hit by a bullet—especially one from a semi-automatic pistol! I can literally see every detail of you pulling the trigger, okay!"
"Because... I'm free?"
The evil Deadpool looked at his gun in confusion. That shouldn't have missed, should it? That move always worked!
"And Thor. How did you take down Thor?"
"Oh, that was my masterpiece—" The evil Deadpool was cut off mid-sentence by a smash from Mjolnir. Peter then recalled the hammer. The evil Deadpool, who had been slammed to the ground, immediately sat up, using a gun to fire Pym Particles to enlarge Mjolnir. That's how he killed Thor.
Then, Mjolnir stopped right in front of Peter.
"See? Why would Thor be killed by his own hammer?! I can stop the hammer right in front of me! And there are plenty of people Thor can't kill with one hammer hit, so why did he die with a single hit? There's no logic!"
The evil Deadpool tried to argue something, but the giant Mjolnir smashed him back onto the ground, leaving only his head exposed. He still yelled: "You bound fool, what do you know—"
"If you really want to talk, you're the comic book character, buddy. The editorial department wanted to release a sensationalist magazine, so they created you and wrote this meaningless plot: Thor killed by his own hammer, Spider-Man killed by a pistol, and Deadpool killing everything. How did you do it when so many characters capable of molecular manipulation could just decompose you?"
"And now you've killed everyone in your universe, buddy. Your utility is gone. Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe—The End! The editorial department is about to cut you!"
The evil Deadpool, slightly exasperated by Spider-Man's incessant chatter, let out a roar: "You can't kill me, you ignorant bastard!"
Spider-Man seemed startled. He then turned and walked away from the portal without taking Mjolnir. The evil Deadpool sneered, starting to figure out how to escape from under the hammer. Before he could make a move, two people crossed through the portal, their non-stop chatter preceding their appearance.
"Wait, Spidey, you're saying the me in this universe killed all the superheroes and villains? That's way cooler than Logan. He only killed the X-Men, but I killed the whole world!"
"Yeah, if you count things like Thor getting killed by his own hammer, I guess I don't have an argument."
Peter lifted Mjolnir, simultaneously pulling out the Pym Particles he had brought back from 616 to shrink the hammer. Wade walked over to the evil Deadpool, crouched down, and gasped as he looked at the villain, who was mostly squashed, with only his head visible: "Oh my God, he's so ugly."
"You know you guys are technically the same person, right?"
"Really? I can't solve everyone in my universe; the writer still needs to make money. But I can't figure this out. Shouldn't you have brought some super-powerful guy to deal with him?... Wait, is that a teleportation belt?"
Deadpool suddenly grinned, having an idea. He covered the evil Deadpool's mouth, leaned down to the belt, and whispered:
"Teleport halfway vertically."
The next second, half of the evil Deadpool was teleported away. Peter, who hadn't managed to stop him, nearly gagged, but Deadpool casually picked the belt out of the pool of blood and strapped it on: "Aha! See, this chapter of less than two thousand characters has a bigger impact on our universe than your whole Walking Dead day trip."
Peter, who seemed to have missed a line for some reason, suppressed his nauseous feeling and countered: "Did you ever think about what happens if he turns into two evil Deadpools?"
"That will happen in Deadpool's solo story. But he won't be appearing in your story, Spidey."
Deadpool, having changed belts, tugged at his pants, secured the belt buckle, and slapped his butt, looking satisfied: "Aha! Now there's nothing left to do, right?"
"Yeah, there are practically no survivors left in this universe. No more superheroes or supervillains..."
"Actually." The bald man popped out again, seeing the crisis resolved. "There are still two survivors. There are three people the evil Deadpool didn't kill: Wolverine's children, Daken and X-23 Laura Kinney. Deadpool restrained their healing factors by hanging them on a trap that would burn them again the moment it detected healing, in an endless cycle. If you bring them down, they might still survive."
"Didn't you just say two people, baldy?"
The Watcher looked at Deadpool: "The other person is Shadowcat. She couldn't phase through the four-dimensional cube trap set by the evil Deadpool. Unfortunately, she doesn't have a healing factor, and she starved to death."
"I'm not even going to comment on how a healing factor and starving to death are linked..."
Peter grumbled weakly, feeling the whole thing was a massive farce. All he wanted to do now was go home and sleep. Wade nudged Peter's waist with his elbow and whispered:
"Hey, Spidey, in your wasteland universe, how many people are you planning on picking up in the end?"
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