Freya's sword was bent.
Not like slightly-curved-for-stabbing-aesthetic bent. No, it looked like someone had used it to swat a cow and the cow won. It wobbled like a wet noodle every time she tried to swing it.
"This is not Excalibur," she muttered, eyeing it with the same suspicion she reserved for discount sushi. "This is Spatulibur."
Her gear consisted of a dented pot for a helmet, a tunic that screamed 'discount potato sack,' and the boots of someone who lost a fight with a raccoon. Her inventory menu helpfully labeled it all:
* Helmet: "Cooking Pot +1 (Smells Faintly of Turnips)"
* Armor: "Starter Rags (Thread Count: Don't Ask)"
* Weapon: "Rusty Sword (Bends With Emotion)"
**\[Tip: You can press 'I' to open your Inventory. This information is entirely useless since you're not near a keyboard.]**
Freya sighed and stomped out of the village gates, heading toward her first *official* monster-slaying quest: slime extermination. Nothing said "legendary heroine" like fighting sentient Jell-O.
The field outside the village was lush, bright, and filled with blobs wobbling around like gelatinous toddlers on a sugar rush. A glowing marker floated above one in particular:
**\[Target: King Slime Jr.]**
The slime in question was no larger than a basketball, wore a tiny cardboard crown, and somehow exuded an air of entitlement.
"Prepare yourself, foul gelatin!" Freya declared, raising Spatulibur.
The sword immediately bent backward.
She swung it anyway.
It bounced off the slime with a *womp* and flung back into her own forehead.
"OW! Okay! We're improvising!" Freya yelled, dropping the sword and picking up a rock. "Time for analog violence!"
The slime wiggled threateningly. Or maybe it was trying to dance. Hard to tell.
Freya chucked the rock. It hit the slime dead-center. The crown fell off. The slime made a sad little squeak, then deflated like a balloon.
**\[+5 XP. Loot Acquired: Crown of Mild Inconvenience.]**
"Oh, come on," Freya groaned, holding up the loot. The crown was made of old cereal boxes and glitter glue.
Still, a victory was a victory.
Over the next hour, Freya fought slimes of all sizes. There were regular slimes, fire slimes, an "Existential Dread Slime" that quoted Nietzsche before dissolving, and one suspiciously aggressive blue blob named Todd.
"Todd, we talked about boundaries!" she yelled as the slime launched itself at her face.
**\[New Status Effect: Slimed. -20 Charisma until washed.]**
By the end of the massacre, Freya's pot helmet was upside down, her sword had fully committed to a life of flaccid flailing, and her rags were mostly goo.
Still, she was proud. She had made it through her first battle day without dying or being digested.
She checked her quest log:
**\[Daily Quest Completed: Slime Suppression. Reward: 100 Gold, Slime Trophy, and Beginner Skill Unlock.]**
**\[New Skill Acquired: 'Snark Shot' — Fire a sarcastic remark so cutting it may physically harm your enemies. Cooldown: 5 minutes.]**
"Oh. That's *actually* useful," Freya muttered. "Can I use it on the narrator?"
**\[System Error: No. Stop Asking.]**
Just as Freya was about to head back to the village, a massive rumble shook the ground. Birds fled the trees. The sky darkened.
From a hilltop ahead, a monstrous form crested into view. It was huge. Hulking. Glowing red eyes. And it was…
A giant, buff slime.
**\[Elite Encounter: Muscle Slime Maximus. Difficulty: Absurd. Strategy: Don't.]**
Muscle Slime Maximus flexed. The ripple effect dislodged a nearby boulder.
"Oh no," Freya whispered. "It's swole pudding."
She turned to run—because duh—but a slime launched from the bushes and wrapped around her ankles like cling film.
"Betrayal!" she shouted as she fell.
Maximus slimed closer.
Freya's only hope was the newly unlocked Snark Shot. She steadied herself, focused, and shouted:
"Hey Maximus! You call those muscles? You look like someone inflated a stress ball with sadness!"
The giant slime staggered.
**\[Critical Hit! Emotional Damage Inflicted. Maximus is questioning his self-worth.]**
Encouraged, she shouted again. "Your biceps have more jelly than strength! I've seen more tone in a xylophone!"
Maximus recoiled, glowing red eyes dimming.
**\[Status Effect: Insecurity. Attack Power -50%.]**
Realizing her advantage, Freya reached into her bag, pulled out the Slime Trophy—which resembled a melted gummy bear—and hurled it at Maximus like it was a sacred relic.
It bonked the slime in the forehead.
Maximus made a confused, warbly grunt… and exploded into glitter.
**\[Elite Enemy Defeated. +500 XP. Loot Acquired: Maximus' Headband of Emotional Support.]**
The headband landed perfectly on Freya's bent sword, which flopped over in gratitude.
Freya collapsed to the grass, panting and goo-covered.
"Adventure," she wheezed. "Is majestic."
The sky cleared. A rainbow appeared. Somewhere in the distance, a bard began singing off-key.
Freya sat up, slapped the slime goop off her sleeves, and looked at the horizon.
She was filthy, exhausted, and armed with a weapon that would struggle to slice butter.
But she was still here. Still standing. Still sarcastic.
And according to the blinking icon in the corner of her vision, she had just unlocked a new questline:
**\[Main Questline Updated: Investigate the Dungeon of Dubious Design.]**
"Of course," Freya muttered. "Why wouldn't my next stop be a poorly-planned death trap?"
With a squelch in her boots and a sparkle in her eye (or maybe slime), Freya set off for her next misadventure.
The world wasn't ready.
But neither was she.