A square section of floor hissed, then dropped two inches, sealing them off in a perfect black cube of cubicled death.
The walls retracted like claws, revealing a wide open dueling platform made entirely of polished obsidian and glowing red runes.
On one side: Skarna, blazer off, heels swapped for spiked boots, already flipping one dagger between her fingers like she was born spinning murder.
On the other: Riko, hoodie still half-burned, boxers still indecent, printer sidekick floating beside him like a haunted office pet with rage issues.
Above them, a holographic display projected in crimson fire:
FLOOR 2 INTERN INITIATION – COMBAT MODE ENABLED
Objective: Survive.
Bonus Objective: Impress Someone Important.
"Do I need a mouthguard?" Riko asked, mostly to himself.
Delilah remained outside the circle, sipping something black and bubbling from a cup labeled
#1 Boss of the Damned.
"If you bleed out, try not to do it on my paperwork."
"Great pep talk."
Skarna pointed one dagger at his throat, the other already spinning at her wrist.
"You're not a real intern," she hissed. "You're a charity case with a meme weapon."
Riko gestured vaguely toward his printer. "This thing just gave me a headshot photo mid-battle. I think it likes me."
The printer beeped once in agreement, then spit out a glowing blue page titled:
EXPLOSIVE LIABILITY WAIVER: IN CASE OF FIRE, BLAME MANAGEMENT
The floor pulsed. The lights dimmed. A horn blared once.
Skarna charged.
Riko instinctively dodged left—not with grace, but sheer luck. Her dagger sliced through empty air with a shriek of metal against reality.
He barely managed to summon his spectral printer in front of her second strike, and the machine responded by ejecting an entire stapler cartridge like a shotgun blast.
Skarna blocked with a blade—but the force still knocked her back.
The printer pulsed, glowing brighter.
"Oh we are keeping you," Riko muttered.
She came in again, fast, low, a blur of red and fury. She cut across his hoodie—just a thin slice—and twisted to stab at his thigh.
Riko dropped flat to the ground on instinct, rolling to the side. His hand slammed into the ability glyph at his feet—
—and the printer roared.
Yes, roared.
It unfolded like a transformer, grew a second tray, and launched a barrage of demonic rejection letters. Red tape exploded around Skarna, binding her momentarily mid-air.
Riko sat up, wide-eyed. "HOLY SH—"
The paper detonated in a harmless whoomp of blinding light and glitter.
Skarna staggered. Furious. Glittered.
She wiped a smear of confetti from her face. "This is humiliating."
"Yeah, and it's only Tuesday."
Skarna raised one final blade. "I'll gut you in the shape of a resignation letter."
Riko backed up. "I don't even have health insurance!"
Just then, the printer shrieked a warning tone. A glowing gear floated out from its tray, shimmered—
—and slammed into the floor.
A shockwave pulsed through the arena, knocking both of them to their knees.
From the outer ring, Delilah spoke aloud without looking up from her clipboard:
"Combat evaluation complete. Intern Riko Graves: passing score. Intern Skarna: downgraded from 'promising' to 'problematic.' See me in my office."
Skarna hissed.
Riko lay back, catching his breath, grinning like a lunatic.
"So this is... what, Tuesday morning?"
The printer hovered closer, gently dropping a cold Hell-branded bottle of water onto his chest.