It's been almost 7 hours since clarisa went with sister in law, I had nothing to do so I was knitting a sweater for the child Cavill's wife was going to have.
Clarisa and I had picked up shared hobbies and I never knew that sitting down and just doing certain activities would be so enjoyable. Mother was never one for things like embroidery, knitting or painting but she absolutely loved her glass garden.
She would spend hours just tending to the flowers or just sitting in the garden staring at the flowers.
I enjoy these hobbies but they are most enjoyable when I'm doing them with clarisa, I miss her. She must be having so much fun catching up with sister in law.
"Big brother" Clark was finally waking up from his very long sleep, it had been almost a month since he had a good night sleep, so he was feeling more refreshed than he had felt in a long time.
"Your grace, greetings" he rose up immediately sitting on the bed as theo watched him from afar.
"No need for such formality, please call me theo like you always did in the letters" theo smiled softly as clark exhaled and sighed smiling too.
There was a tense silence as Clark stared at the ground and theo watched him.
"I blame myself for everything..... anytime something goes wrong I worry that it's because of my sins..... had I not murdered father..... had I just..... Mother would still be here...."
*******the night Clark went to runan********
I'm so glad father joined us tonight, had it been clarisa i would hold her close as she sobbed in my hands but I'm at a loss for words right now as i watch him cry.
"I'm.... he....I couldn't " Clark struggled to speak as he didn't know how to begin explaining he had killed his father and had just said something crazy to his dear wife because of the guilt.
"Its okay clark, dont force yourself to speak." father put a hand around his shoulder, he rang a bell and gave instructions to the maids that walked in and she left. She returned shortly with 3 wine glasses and a cold cart filled with different aged wines. Father waved her away as he approached the cart.
"From experience i know it's easier to discuss heavy topics while drinking." He poured the 3 glasses and served everyone.
"I killed someone.... it was my father..... I'm.... a monster..." he had downed 3 glasses before speaking in a rush.
"It must have been hard for you to say that... how are you doing?" Oliver had a very serious look on his face, it was one theo had seen once before.
"I can't sleep, when i close my eyes I see him, i feel so much guilt..... my wife.... she sleeps beside a killer.... I can barely look her in the eyes.... my hands are soaked in his blood....." Clark was sobbing as he drank his 4th glass.
"How do I move on..... how do I forget? How do I let go of the guilt?" He looked between both of them as if the answer would fall from their faces.
"It never gets easier." Theo finally spoke after a while.
"You never forget... you replay the moment over and over again.... you wonder what you could have done different..... you wonder if words would have solved things..... I know.... I've been there...." Theo stared into his wine glass as if it would absolve some of his guilt.
"I can't live like this..... my wife.... my life.... my job..... I can't... I'm scared.... what if.... I don't....." Clark stammered between sobs.
"He had hit Arabella, for years I watched him beat down clarisa.... I couldn't save her.... I watched the light in her eyes fade slowly.... I couldn't let it happen again..... Arabella is my whole life.... if anything happens to her.... I had to protect her....."
"You had no choice....it was either them or you." Theo chimed in
"You couldn't run away.... it was your duty to protect....its what everyone expected of you..... a duty you were trained to do." Oliver added, they all stared in silence for a while before resuming their drinks.
"I just wanted to save someone..... I didn't want to take a life..... i didnt want to lose arabella, but i didnt want father to die."
"But it was either your wife or your father, you couldn't choose both." Both pair of eyes turned to theo.
"There was no other way, it was your duty as her husband to protect her from all harm.... Including the one from your father."
"Especially the one from my father... I know just how vicious he can get... when we were younger, he would beat up clarisa each time I tried to get close to her.... she was still a baby.... she was so tiny, each time he hit her she would cry loudly and he would forbid the maids from going to her. Most times she would cry herself to sleep or she would pass out.... he wanted me to learn what would happen if I disobeyed him... 18 years and i domt know how it feels to hold my sister's hand... i was too scared...."
"A monster, thats what he was. That is no human, that is no father. No father would purposely harm a baby just to punish his son. He doesn't deserve to be called a father." Theo had slammed his fist on the table as Oliver nods in agreement.
"It never gets easier, you think time will heal the wounds, soften the guilt but time can be so cruel. You just learn to live with it, you learn to adapt to the you who knows pain now." Father's eyes glazed over as Clark stumbled over himself.
"So i should just.... live with it..." Clark stammered
"Its something you could never control Clark, you care because its human to do so, if you were a monster you wouldn't care so much..... clarisa taught me that you can feel guilt, but you should never regret choosing yourself in a life or death situation....." I looked him in the eyes as I wanted him to understand that i would always be here for him so he shouldn't take it on alone.
"Its okay to feel guilty, its human.... so feel as much guilt as you want but don't blame yourself for making the best decision at that moment, dont force yourself to forget." He smiled before bursting into tears again.
"How i wished i had a younger brother like you, i would send you letters and talk to you about everything."
"Well you can be my big brother.... I've always wanted a brother" father turned to me with a face filled with guilt and regret.
Clark leapt into my arms falling asleep.
"Okay.... I'll call you little brother.... going forward" he mumbled in his sleep.
The 2 knights on duty helped him to the guest bedroom, leaving Theo and Oliver all alone.
"I'm sorry theo..... it should have been me...." father drank his wine refilling it.
"I should be the one with all that guilt.... i was scared you would hate me.... i didn't want you to resent me for taking the lives of people you wanted to save....."
"It should have been me... I'm so sorry.... I'm so sorry Theo...." father had that look again, it was the same one he had the night i told him i wasn't going to be silent again, it was like he knew i would be consumed by the guilt.
It would be a lie if I said I had no resentment towards him for the incident but it was what I wanted. Father had wanted to destroy them from the start but I begged him to spare them. I had just killed someone for the first time and i was going insane, the mere thoughts of others dying for me gave me anxiety.
"Its not your fault father, thank you for listening to me then. I think i would have regretted it more if I didn't give them a second chance. Thank you father, I know i never thanked you before.... thank you for honoring my selfish request."
Father poured me another cup and I smiled softly. We never really spoke about that day, but hearing fathers apology has put me at ease, its like I've been waiting all these years for him to say it.
"Thank you father." I think i can move on now.
********** present******
We both sat in the silence for a while, he looked like he was fighting back tears.
"Brother, its not your fault..... I don't understand what you are going through but speaking from what I went through..... it's not your fault..... " he was sniffling gently, he looks and sounds like clarisa.
"When I saw clarisa smiling.... it felt like the whole world had some meaning.. my hardworking of 6 years.... the sleepless nights... it felt worth it...." he sobbed harder.
"I feel so terrible, each night I lay beside my wife.... how do I tell her I'm a monster?"
"It never gets easy.... I couldn't bring myself to tell clarisa either.... I was scared she would look at me differently, she would withdraw from me, she would love me less. But when she found out and I saw how much she still loved me.... I felt relief.... it was like all I wanted all my life was for her to love me while she knows my flaws, while she is aware of my insecurities.... at that moment only what she thought of me mattered, i didnt care how the world saw me. I knew as long as my wife loved me for who i was, i would be fine." I stood up patting him on his shoulder gently,as I walked out of the room.
I don't know how their relationship is, but from what I experienced it's best if they talked it out.
Laughter could be heard from the room as the door opened.
"My love" clarisa beamed as she saw me and sister in law teased her again.
It's been 8 hours since I last saw her, i missed her so much.
"Big brother is awake now." I sat beside her kissing her cheeks as sister in law teased us again before exiting the room.
"Thank you my love, I'm glad I was able to catch up with Arabella "
"Its fine my dear, I took the time to finish the jacket I was making for Cavill's child" she puts her head on me.
"What did you talk about with Clark?"
"Its a secret" she shot up smacking me playfully on my arm as I stand up heading for the door.
"Theo!! We are not supposed to have secrets you know." I turned around kissing her on her lips.
"I love you too my dear." I love it when her cheeks turn red. I tuck a stray hair behind her ears and kiss her again.
"I'll let it go this time... but next time" I kissed her again and again as she gigled.
The maids led us to a guest bedroom, we had a bath and we were just relaxing in the bedroom.
"My dear, i think we should go to bed now, we have a long day today with the funeral and all." I looked to the clock and it was almost 2am.
"Do we just sleep?" I sat on him wrapping my hands around his neck, he smiled seductively. I was just going to tease him but seeing his smile is driving me crazy, I ran my thumb over his lips as I leaned in, I guess we will be sleeping late tonight.