I have 2 days left before the escort from runan get here. I think I'm fully prepared...
"My lady lord Clark and lady Arabella just arrived in the manor" why though? I wonder what brought them here.
"Thank you for letting me know sarah"
"Clarisa" his voice sounded broken, he looked disheveled, his clothes looked wrinkled like he was in a fight with someone.
"Hello brother, what brought you here" he looked hurt at what I said.
"Clarisa... don't go" he looked wretched, he was at the brink of tears but I don't care for his opinion.
"Stay out of it Clark, just continue to act like you did before" I shot him a cold look. I didn't bother seeing his face, I couldn't care less. It's my life and I'll live it how I want to. I heard a defeated sigh as the door closed softly. I think you are 12 years too late brother.
"Clarisa, what are you going to do? Why not ask Clark to help? Duke Theodore is known for having killed his last 2 fiancée. I don't know what it is but please don't do this alone" bella walked in pulling me into a hug before grabbing a seat.
"Bella I'll be fine. I don't need help from anyone" Bella opens her mouth and shut it gritting her teeth as if trying to filter her words through them.
" You were always like this. No matter how close i wanted to get to you, you would always draw a line as if telling me to know my place. Why do you have to shoulder everything alone? What are you so afraid of? Please clarisa we are all here waiting to help you but we cant do anything till you ask for help. Please... please... im scared, im scared of what will happen to you. Im scared you will go somewhere far away and ill never be abke to reach you. Please clarisa look at me, i need you. " her voice was low, pained. Her eyes welled up as the tears flowed.
" I always see that look in your eyes, its almost like you don't belong in this world." Her voice was trembling as she hugged herself tightly. She was trembling, like she was trying to hold onto a lifeline.
"I always hoped that I would be a reason you gave this world a chance. I don't care if you don't belong i just wanted you to look beyond the forest and instead see the trees." Her voice was desperate as she cried.
"It's because I never belonged here, i never did and i never will" this world always rejected me that's why I didn't bother.
"No it's not that you didn't belong, you didn't want to belong." She was crying harder now.
"I know i cannot begin to understand the pain you went through, the count, the prince and allot of other people who mocked you. But... but..... there were so many others who loved you, who stretched theirs hands towards you waiting for you to grab on. The world didn't ostracize you, you did. You never once tried to understand or get to know those around you. I was always here waiting for you but you never came. No matter how hard i cried out for you, you always turned your back to me as if rejecting my existence. I was always here for you clarisa, why didnt you see that. " what is she talking about? I rejected this world? Me? When? I tried my best each time over and over again and each time I was beat down.
"I know you didn't have a good relationship with Clark and he also told me of how he ignored you for years while nursing his own pain. I'm not trying to make excuses for him but.... but he was only a child too. He was a child who woke up one day to have his world turned upside down. The father who once loved him turned him into a punching bag, his mother lost her spark as her life drained out of her. " Her voice broke as she shook in grief
" He was a broken child who was thrown into this harsh world like some prized cow for the whole world to gawk at. He couldn't protect himself so how was he supposed to protect you? Even with the weight of his responsibilities, the pain of his past and your rejection he still went out of his way to protect you from the count." what? Clark did what?
" you probably don't know. You never questioned it. You always just took it, whatever was happening to you never asked for help nor did you try to fight it. So he did what he could do for you, he knew he failed you for a long time, so he wanted to make up for it. Every achievement he made in the magic tower, every research it was all attributed to the dumont household in exchange for the count to stop abusing you. He did it all for you."
Clarisa's eye widened in shock. So that was why he stopped hitting me. Not because he got tired but because Clark gave up on his future to protect me.
"I never asked for his help....."
"I know" Bella cuts her off
"He knows you didn't want his help but he still tried. He was just another abused child but for your sake, he challenged the count with the hopes that he could lighten your burden."
"I didn't know" had he told me.... had he told me? Then what? What would I have done differently. Would I have thanked him? I don't think so. I would have been angry. Angry at him for pitying me.
"Bella i just wanted to live without regrets. I was tired of being disappointed everytime. I just didn't want my efforts to keep going to waste. I was scared" that's right I was scared. I was scared of reality so I lost myself in one thing that never failed me 'magic'.
"Clarisa, so was Clark, so was I. Everyone has fears but if you let them stop you. You will end up with regrets" regrets? Me? Do I regret it? What am I supposed to regret?
"Clark said he once asked you to run away. He would help you live freely, but you rejected his offer. Why did you reject him?" Bella's tear stained eyes burned with resolve questioning my soul.
"It's was no use, it wouldn't have worked, the count would have never let me go. He had people watching me around the clock even in the palace i was always under surveillance. "
"Why do you think so? Were you scared of the count?"
"Of course not"
" then why didn't you take the chance to escape, to live freely? You werent alway under watch, you had times when you were alone with no prying eyes so why didnt you try to escape?" Why didn't I take the chance? I didn't want to, but why?
"It's was always you against the whole world. But clarisa you were never alone, you just never bothered to look past the box you hid away in. Had you tried once to look outside, you would see you were never alone."
"You once mentioned that you weren't the female lead, but you see you were always the main character of your own life. You wanted the world to understand you but did you ever try to understand the world? You wanted people to hear your voice but when everyone was screaming for you why did you close your ears?" Clarisa was frozen to her chair and like ocean waves crashing down, reality crashed into her.
Standing up and slowly walking towards the door.
"We opened our hearts to you clarisa, so when will you open yours to us? No matter where you go to, if you continue living this way nothing will ever change. No matter how much people may love you, if you make no effort to receive that love it will never reach you."
"What was i supposed to do" clarisa screamed as she stood up, her heart was pounding and her eyes stung from the streaming tears.
"I knew he was broken too, I saw his efforts but I was scared. I couldn't trust him. Why should i? He had hurt me once was i just supposed to blindly believe in his love now? What if he went back to ignoring me? What if after trusting him he breaks my heart? I couldn't trust him because I knew.... I knew i was so close to losing my sanity, I was so close to breaking. I was scared that I would lose my self if this new warmth became cold and icy." Clarisa crumpled to the ground as Arabella wrapped up in her arms.
"Everyone gets scared. Scared of failing, of being abandoned, of being betrayed and of being left behind. I'm sure he was scared too. He must have been scared each time you refused his hand, but you see he never once gave up on you because you were a main character in his life. You occupied a spot that no one else could fill. It was a position made only for clarisa" they both sobbed in each other's arms for what seemed like forever.
Bella left the room and the silence did nothing to soothe the crashing waves in clarisa's head.
As though her last 18 years had meant nothing, she realized that while she was trying her best not to have regrets she ended up living a life similar to her past life. In fear of getting attached and getting hurt, she had shunned the whole world. She hid her true self, her desires, her aspirations and her worth. They were hidden in a small box and stored far from the prying eyes. She realized that not once did she try to make an effort with anyone.
"Why did I never try? What was I so afraid of? Why.... why..... why..... why am I so weak? How many lifetimes do I need to be
reborn in before I live without regrets?" The novels always made it seem easy. Once you cross over to the new world you become a whole new person, so I thought i had changed. I thought i was living as best as I could but I turned out you cannot change who you are overnight. It takes effort, effort that I never put in but I sat still waiting for results. 'What a pitiful fool'. Clarisa cried lost in deep thought for a long while that night. She wondered if she had not remembered her past life, would she have lived differently? Would she had given people a chance? Would things have turned out different?