Hostage negotiations are usually tense affairs.
But when the hostages are a single traumatized young duke and the negotiators are five rival yandere brides with elemental magic, ancient grudges, and mood-swing-triggered weaponry…
Well.
Things tend to escalate.
"DRAGONS DON'T SHARE!" Drakana bellowed, slamming a molten claw into the marble floor of the duchy war room, instantly vaporizing an ancient carpet worth more than Rei's soul.
"Sharing is literally the point of the treaty!" Seraphina snapped back, summoning a holy spear that shimmered with divine flames. "Also, you singed the upholstery. Again."
"I claim Wednesday, Friday, and all full moons!" Lucivella declared from her throne of floating shadow petals.
"You don't own celestial phenomena!" Lilia snarled, brandishing a notepad titled My Future Husband's Legally Binding Schedule.
Meanwhile, Rosette stood silently in the corner, polishing a blade named Affection Reinforcement Tool #12, smiling like a shark in a bridal veil.
And in the middle of it all sat Rei, cross-legged, wearing seven layers of protective charms, a steel cologne diffuser, and a large sign taped to his chest that read:
"Please negotiate peacefully. Also, I am not edible."
[System Warning: Hostage Stability at 4%. Psychological Integrity... Error: Not Found.]
He had made the mistake of blinking three times, which somehow translated into a bidding war between "You blinked in my direction first!" and "Your pupils dilated at my name!"
He tried to crawl under the table.
The table was already claimed by Rosette, who whispered, "Shared spaces are intimacy opportunities," and handed him a pillow with his own face embroidered on it.
Just as Drakana began to melt a second chandelier in righteous romantic rage, the air shimmered.
A ripple passed through reality.
And then…
BOOM!
A vortex of sparkling pink fog, gold glitter, and off-key kazoos exploded in the center of the war room.
Standing atop a floating heart-shaped platform, dressed in a tuxedo gown hybrid, and wielding a clipboard forged of cosmic irony—
Goddess Eris had arrived.
"Hellooooo~ mortals!" Eris trilled, flinging a bouquet of knives into the air. "Guess who brought party favors and divine-grade chaos! That's right! Me!"
Rei instinctively tried to crawl into a teacup. The teacup broke from stress.
"Welcome to Operation Eternal Matrimony!" Eris said, pointing dramatically at a flaming banner that read: "Let's Get Traumatized Together!"
[System Alert: Goddess-Level Interference Detected. Sanity dampeners deployed.]
"Why are you here?" Seraphina asked warily, adjusting her crown as the air started to smell like cinnamon heartbreak.
"Why not?" Eris said. "Look, you're all clearly devoted wives-to-be, yet no one has actually sealed the deal! That's just wasted drama!"
Lucivella narrowed her eyes. "What did you do?"
"I created a Magical Wedding Lottery™!" Eris beamed. "Whoever wins gets to marry Rei first! Isn't that exciting?"
"No," Rei croaked.
"Yes!" said literally everyone else.
With a clap of her hands, a massive wheel appeared. It glittered ominously. Instead of numbers, it had symbols: a broken heart, a ring, a question mark, a coffin, and something that looked suspiciously like Rei's horrified face.
"Spin the wheel, ladies!" Eris grinned. "Let fate decide your future—and Rei's inevitable breakdown!"
Rosette stepped forward first, face serene.
She spun.
The wheel ticked.
It landed on the broken heart.
"Oh, how romantic," she whispered, unsheathing her blade with a soft sigh. "Symbolic divorce from solitude…"
Then Lilia spun. Hers landed on the ring.
She tackled Rei immediately. "It's legally binding now!"
"It's not!" Rei screamed.
Next came Drakana. Her spin burst into flames and set the wheel on fire. The Goddess clapped anyway.
"Classic Drakana! You win a tiara made from the bones of your enemies!"
"I already have five," she muttered, but looked pleased.
Then Seraphina.
Her spin stopped on the question mark.
"Ha!" she said. "Mystery bonus. Clearly divine favor!"
The wheel spun itself.
It landed on Coffin.
"Why is that even an option!?" Rei wailed.
"It's symbolic," Eris said solemnly. "Of eternal commitment. To love. Or to sleep. Forever. With someone."
[System Notice: Ceremony outcome probability reduced to 'Telenovela finale.']
Finally, Lucivella approached the wheel. It glowed black.
"I don't spin wheels," she said, and snapped her fingers.
The wheel stopped.
On Rei's face.
Eris blinked. "Oh. That's a new one."
With a divine beep, the system projected a glowing declaration in the air.
[Magical Wedding Lottery Result: Match confirmed. Rei Velmont is legally wed to...]
The room tensed.
Drakana sharpened a claw.
Lucivella prepared a dark rose bouquet bomb.
Seraphina was already halfway into her sacred vows.
[...Rei Velmont is legally wed to: His Bed.]
Silence.
Rei's mouth dropped open.
Lilia looked ready to strangle the laws of physics.
"...What?" Rosette asked, tilting her head.
"Congratulations!" Eris shouted, throwing rose petals and handcuffs into the air. "You may now kiss the pillow!"
"Wait—what pillow—"
FOOSH!
A giant plush bed slammed into the room like a meteor, embroidered with the words "Til Death Do You Nap" and covered in silk sheets bearing Rei's crest.
The System chimed cheerfully.
[System Update: Marital binding complete. You are now officially Mr. Rei Velmont-Bed. May your union be full of dreams and insomnia.]
Rei stared at the bed.
The bed stared back.
"Does this mean… I don't have to choose?" he asked weakly.
Eris leaned close and whispered, "No, it means you're now cheating on all of them. With furniture."
[System Warning: Infidelity Triggered. Five possessive kill-aura spikes detected.]
"Oh no," Rei whispered.
"Oh yes," Eris sang.
Drakana ignited her wings.
Lucivella summoned her shadow scythe.
Seraphina raised her sacred cannon.
Rosette removed her gloves.
Lilia pulled out… a wedding registry form with "Rei's Tombstone Design" sketched in the margins.
"YOU MARRIED A BED?!" they all screamed.
Rei threw himself onto the mattress and shouted, "TAKE ME, WIFE!"
[System Notification: Initiating emergency nap mode.]
The bed swallowed him.
Literally.
The girls lunged.
The room exploded into sparkles, wrath, and confusion.
Eris, watching the chaos unfold with popcorn made from divine grain, beamed proudly.
"Best. Wedding. Ever."
To be continued…