It began at breakfast.
"From now on, Rei's toast shall only be buttered on the north side of the mansion," Seraphina declared, dramatically planting her gilded rapier into the dining table like a diplomat laying down a treaty.
Drakana countered with a smirk, sliding a map across the table. "Then I claim the southern wing. He sleeps by the dragon-engraved windows. For his protection, obviously."
Lucivella conjured a black rose of demonic smoke. "West wing is mine. I need privacy to test honeymoon simulations. Alone. With Rei. Multiple timelines. Don't question it."
Rosette appeared from the shadows with five miniature flags and stabbed them silently into the eastern corridors. Her cold eyes sparkled like steel. "I already trapped that section. Please avoid triggering the 'Marry Me or Die' runes."
And Lilia, smiling with saintly innocence, held up a scroll longer than Rei's life expectancy. "I, Duchess Lilia von Heartveil, hereby enact the Holy Edict of Mutual Engagement Protection. Clause 73: The center hall—and Rei—is my divine property from 7am to 7pm, with cuddles mandatory every third hour."
Rei, sitting between them with a spoon half-raised to his lips, blinked.
"...Did I just get partitioned like a watermelon?"
The duchy was officially in a state of Yandere Cold War.
[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: REGIONAL OCCUPATION DETECTED]
[New Feature Unlocked: 'Yandere Territory Control!']
[Each fiancée now governs a zone of romantic influence. Expect random border skirmishes, petty sabotage, and weaponized lingerie.]
[Mission Update: Survive Until Dinner Without Causing an International Incident.]
[Reward: One (1) extra pillow for hiding under.]
The mansion's floor plan now resembled a war map from a very emotionally compromised strategy game.
There were:
Border checkpoints (complete with affection inspections).
Love taxation policies ("Five forehead kisses a day or pay in cake.").
Romantic surveillance squads (also known as Rosette's spy cats in tiny hats).
And propaganda posters featuring Rei smiling awkwardly beside slogans like "Vote Lilia: The Snuggle Queen!" or "Lucivella—She'll literally consume your soul with love!"
Rei tried hiding in the greenhouse. The plants sympathized.
Too bad the girls rotated schedules like synchronized tyrants.
First Shift: Drakana
"Time for the flame-forged bonding ritual," the dragoness purred, dragging Rei (and half a bed frame) into the southern wing. "You must sit with me in molten hot milk for ninety-nine minutes."
"It's milk," Rei gasped, already sweating through his shirt, "but it's boiling!"
"It's symbolic," she cooed. "Purification. And also—it makes your skin nice."
He barely survived. The milk was strawberry-scented. Rei would never smell breakfast cereal the same again.
Second Shift: Seraphina
"Royal grooming hour begins now!" she declared, wheeling in fifty silver brushes.
"You're brushing me like a show pony!" Rei protested.
"You are a prize stallion, and I shall parade you at next week's Ball of Beaus."
He had glitter in his ears for days.
Third Shift: Lucivella
"We shall review three centuries of demon wedding traditions. And by 'review,' I mean 'reenact.' In full costume."
Rei blinked in horror. "This robe is made of goat hair and... is that a tail?"
Lucivella grinned. "It's a recreation from the Bloody Moon Matrimony of Era 764. You may scream for authenticity."
He did.
Fourth Shift: Rosette
She said nothing. Just handed him a spoon.
Then pointed to the five-course meal on the table.
Carved into a meat sculpture of Rei's face.
"This is your liver," she whispered, slicing into the roast. "Made with love."
Rei chewed slowly. And prayed harder.
Fifth Shift: Lilia
"Time for cuddles!"
"Already?! We just did this three hours ago!"
She smiled sweetly. "Clause 73.1.B: Emergency cuddles authorized upon elevated stress."
"How did you even—wait, are you monitoring my heart rate?"
She patted his chest. "That's what the love rune necklace is for!"
[SYSTEM ALERT: Rei's sanity levels dangerously low]
[Suggested Action: Pretend to be a potted plant.]
[Bonus Tip: Plants can't be fiancés.]
Even the royal palace noticed.
The King himself sent a diplomatic envoy. A tall, broad-shouldered man in full regalia arrived with an official scroll and read it aloud:
"To Rei Velden, future heartthrob of the realm: Please... pick one. The treasury can't survive five simultaneous royal weddings."
The letter exploded seconds later—Lucivella's security curse.
The envoy screamed. Then sighed. "I knew this job would kill me. I just hoped it'd be taxes."
Meanwhile, in the Chapel of Peace…
Rei stumbled in, robes tattered, eyeliner still leftover from Demon Wedding Roleplay Hour.
"I'd like to file for emotional support status."
The priest paused. "Ah. Another one."
He handed Rei a form titled 'Victims of Polyamorous Nobility' and a cup of calming lavender tea.
Then the roof exploded.
"I claim this chapel as my sanctuary wing!" Seraphina shouted, sword drawn.
"Over my undead bouquet!" Lucivella countered.
Lilia wept while writing "Rei + Lilia = Eternal Bliss" in holy chalk across the altar.
Drakana set the podium on fire.
Rosette just stood there. Holding a bridal net. Smiling.
[SYSTEM ANNOUNCEMENT: YANDERE COLD WAR: DAY 5]
[Rei's Status: Technically Alive. Mentally... pending.]
[Negotiation Mission Unlocked: Convince All Five Yanderes To Not Kill Each Other Over Breakfast.]
[Reward: One blessed croissant.]
Later that night, Rei lay in bed. Or rather, what was left of his bed after five personalized pillow "gifts" from each girl had crushed it under sheer emotional weight.
He stared at the ceiling.
"I used to dream of peace," he whispered.
A mechanical voice rang in his ear:
[SYSTEM RESPONSE: Peace is unavailable in your region. Would you like to try 'Desperate Polygamy Survival Mode' instead?]
He threw the pillow at the wall.
It hit a hidden rune and triggered the Romantic Fireworks Protocol.
The ceiling rained pink glitter hearts.
He sighed.
"I miss being in a coma."
To be continued…