I woke up with a stiff neck, a sore back, and the horrifying realization that I had been promoted against my will.
Nilou was still curled up on my lap, looking way too cute to be legal. Lumine had decided my shoulder was apparently the best pillow in Teyvat, and Paimon was snoring directly on top of my head like a floating cat with sleep apnea. Right. Fantastic. I was no longer Shigeru, professional chaos gremlin. I was now… a sofa. A make-shift bed. A five-star inn. Great promotion, self. Absolutely killing it in life.
Greg blinked lazily from his tiny throne corner, flicking his tail like he was silently saying serves you right, human couch.
Nilou stirred first, rubbing her eyes with the softest little motion that made my heart do backflips. She blinked up at me, then smiled.
"Oh, Shigeru… good morning."
My soul left my body. That was it. Instant death. No respawn timer. No revival food. Just straight to the afterlife. Too cute. TOO CUTE.
I thumped a fist against my chest to reboot my system. Didn't collapse, so reboot successful. Barely.
"Waddup Goddess, good morning!"
She giggled—no, chuckled. Which was worse. Because that chuckle? That was lethal. More dangerous than Ei's Sword Booba Slash. I swear my HP dropped by half.
Then Lumine woke up. She rubbed her eyes, squinted at me like I was a blurry puzzle piece, then leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to my cheek.
"Good morning, dumbass."
Yeah. My brain bluescreened for the second time in less than five minutes.
"Yeah, love you too, Blondie."
Nilou's pout formed instantly, and she puffed her cheeks like an angry Paimon. "You let Lumine casually kiss you…"
Lumine smirked, tilting her head with smug superiority. "Girlfriend perks."
I pointed at her like, she's got a point. "Like she said."
Nilou pouted even harder, mumbling under her breath. "I want the same perks…"
My brain shut down again. Error. Reboot required. Lumine's jaw dropped before she clamped a hand over her mouth. She was trying not to squeal but instead got a nosebleed. A full-on anime nosebleed. Nilou was that cute.
"Pfft—Blondie, are you serious?!" I clutched my chest, rebooting again because Nilou's mumble almost killed me too. Fist to the sternum. "Reboot successful."
Lumine tapped my shoulder, still covering her nose with her other hand, and gave me a thumbs-up. "She's too cute. She deserves the same perks."
"I know, Blondie." I could feel my own nosebleed forming. "I know."
I shook my head violently and reached up to poke her awake properly. "Wake up, Floating Snack. You missed the cuteness parade."
Paimon groaned on my head, twitching like she sensed the chaos even in her sleep. She cracked one eye open. "Ugh… what did Paimon miss?"
I poked her cheek. "Everything. You missed the season finale of Cuteness Wars."
"Ehh?!" Paimon shot upright, nearly falling off my head. "No fair! Paimon wanted to see!"
"Too late."
Nilou suddenly straightened, eyes lighting up. "Oh right! Last night, when you slept—we made something for you!"
I tilted my head. "Made something? For me?"
She glanced at Lumine, then at Paimon. The three nodded like they had rehearsed this. Lumine even scooped Greg from his tiny lizard throne and perched him on her shoulder. Poor guy didn't even have the energy to protest, just flicked his tail in betrayal.
Meanwhile, I was narrowing my eyes. This had the same energy as someone telling me, 'Don't worry, it won't hurt.' "…What are you all planning?"
They came back holding… clothes. A set of clothes. My eyes immediately squinted against the golden coat like it was trying to blind me into submission.
I squinted. "That thing hurts my eyes."
Lumine grinned wider, evil glint in her gaze. "Perfect. Now take off that shirt. It's makeover time."
Before I could argue, Blondie forcibly yanked off my coat and current shirt. I flailed. "Whoa, whoa, slow down! This isn't that kind of story!"
"Shut up and put this on," Lumine ordered, practically shoving deep red and gold inner clothes into my chest.
Nilou giggled, covering her mouth with her hand. "Don't complain… we worked hard on these."
"Yeah, yeah, I can tell!" I muttered, already being manhandled into the outfit.
They forced me into the new outfit piece by piece. Nilou adjusted the belt herself, sliding on a hand-crafted ornament she had made. It was… beautiful. Then came the black pants with crimson linings. Finally, they tried to put that golden coat on me.
Lumine smirked. "It's time you had proper clothes, Shigeru! You can't just keep wearing that same coat forever. It has to go."
"…What do you mean? This coat is sick. This coat is ME. This coat has—"
Greg slapped me in the face with his tail.
"…Full betrayal. I see how it is."
In the end, the black coat stayed—but now with immaculate red and gold innerwear, the new belt, and Nilou's ornament shining like it belonged there from the start. I stood in front of the mirror, staring at myself like I'd just unlocked a DLC skin.
"Goddamn… I look 25% more handsome."
Nilou giggled behind me. "More like 50%."
Lumine nodded, proud of their creation. "Finally, you look like someone who can survive a boss fight without being mistaken for an NPC."
Paimon proudly held up a little badge shaped like the teapot. "Paimon made this! Everyone has one. Even Greg!"
Greg flicked his tail like damn right.
I took it like it was the highest honor, then pinned it on my coat with a grin. "Thanks, Floating Food. I'll wear it with pride."
I stared at my reflection again, tilting my head. "Should I dye my hair jet black? I mean, these white strands make me look like some anime protagonist who's suffered everything traumatizing possible and is about to be asked what 1000 minus 7 is. And my name isn't even Kaneki."
Blank stares. Nobody got the reference. I died a little inside.
Nilou rose up on her tiptoes, ruffling my hair gently. "It seems like you've suffered a lot in the past… and even now, huh?"
I smirked. "Ha! Nah, it's just… battle stress. Totally fine. Definitely not from almost dying, like, twenty times."
Lumine snorted. "More like 120 times. But you should keep it. It looks cool." She touched my cheek with that soft smile of hers. "Black and white hair. It shows the adventures and challenges we've faced in our journey."
Nilou puffed her cheeks again and wedged herself between us. "You're being too lovey-dovey again while I'm still here."
Lumine just chuckled and hugged her tight. "Oh, come on! We like you equally. Right, idiot?"
I threw them both a grin. "Damn right!"
Paimon pumped her little fists. "Paimon likes being with you too, Nilou! Finally, someone normal who can control this chaotic duo! Paimon can't do it alone anymore!"
Even Greg flicked his tail in approval, which I'll never hear the end of.
We all laughed together, the sound echoing warmly through the teapot.
I clapped my hands once. "Alright gang! Time to continue on our journey!"
Paimon groaned. "Ugh, here we go again…"
I smirked, pointing dramatically toward the horizon no one could see because we were still indoors. "Onward! To adventure! To chaos! To lunch!"
Greg bobbed his head like lunch is acceptable.
***
Right after our little teapot fashion show fiasco, we made our way back to Aaru Village. I was still feeling like a newly forged RPG protagonist with 25% more handsomeness—or 50% according to the Goddess—so naturally I couldn't shut up about it.
"Right, so we're about to find those missing scholars now, yeah?" I asked, adjusting my new coat like I was in a dramatic perfume commercial. 'Eau de Chaos: For idiots who can't stop talking.'
Lumine nodded, looking all business. "That's the plan."
Nilou walked beside me, her eyes sparkling with excitement. "I'm glad we're going together. It feels safer this way."
I puffed my chest. "Of course it does. You've got me. Human shield extraordinaire."
Greg was perched on my shoulder like some kind of judgmental fashion critic. Every time I moved, he flicked his tail against my cheek as if reminding me that yes, he betrayed me earlier, and no, I wasn't allowed to forget it.
Paimon floated in lazy circles around us. "You're talking more than usual today. Did that coat come with a buff to your mouth?"
I snapped my fingers. "Exactly, Floating Snack. Passive skill: +10 Confidence, -20 Common Sense."
Lumine groaned, already regretting everything. Nilou just giggled behind her hand.
When we finally reached Aaru Village, Paimon zipped forward. "You're all here so early!"
Dehya turned, her eyes scanning us—then they landed on me. She froze, stared, and raised an eyebrow. "...What in the world are you wearing?"
I grinned and spun like a runway model. "Behold! The desert's newest fashion disaster."
Dehya actually cracked a smile. "Well, at least you don't look like you crawled out of a sandpit anymore." Then she crossed her arms. "Looks like we have everyone here. Isak, are you sure you want to come with us?"
Isak nodded, his little fists balled up with determination. "I'll watch from a safe distance. But… I wanna be there to bring Grandpa home."
Dehya's tough façade softened. "Okay. Let's go then."
Before we could move, Candace's voice cut in. "Dehya, wait."
Dehya turned. "What's the matter?"
Candace narrowed her eyes like a mom catching her kid sneaking sweets. "I heard you were quite reckless yesterday. No more of that today, understood? Or I'll be very upset with you."
Dehya sighed the sigh of someone who was very used to this conversation. "Fine."
I whispered to Nilou, "Wow, Candace really is the mom friend, huh?"
Nilou smiled softly. "She cares deeply. That's why."
Greg flicked his tail once, agreeing silently, before climbing to the top of my head like he wanted a better view. Probably just so he could judge harder.
We started walking toward the Mausoleum of King Deshret, and I—professional noise machine—did what I did best.
"So, sand. It's everywhere. Gets in your boots, your food, your emotional baggage. If I eat one more grain of sand, I'm evolving into a crab."
"Shigeru…" Lumine pinched the bridge of her nose. "We talked about this."
"We didn't talk about me becoming a crab, Blondie. Keep up."
Nilou laughed into her hand. "You're silly."
"I'm hilarious," I corrected. "You're just the only one who acknowledges it."
Paimon crossed her arms, floating upside-down like she was sulking. "You'd make a terrible crab. Crabs don't talk this much."
"I'd be a revolutionary crab! The first stand-up comedian crustacean."
Dehya chuckled. "I'll give you credit. You do keep the mood light."
Behind us, Cyno was gripping his polearm like it was the only thing stopping him from skewering me on the spot.
Greg yawned on top of my head, then smacked my forehead with his tail, basically telling me please shut up before Cyno actually does it.
When a giant scorpion lunged out of the sand, I immediately yelled, "Finally! Dinner's ready!" and charged.
"Shigeru, wait—" Lumine shouted, too late.
We wrestled that thing while I shouted nonsense about pincers being the new fashion accessory. "Look at this, Blondie! Built-in cutlery!"
Nilou clapped her hands together nervously. "Please be careful!"
"Careful is my middle name!" I lied through my teeth as I got smacked into the sand.
Then some weird giant bird joined the party, and by the time we smacked it down, Lumine and Paimon had given up on telling me to shut up.
Paimon floated over, panting. "Why… why do these things always find you first?!"
I dusted myself off. "Because chaos is attracted to chaos."
Greg perched back on my shoulder, giving me the most disappointed lizard glare in history. Still love that little guy.
Alhaitham pretended I didn't exist. Typical.
Eventually, we reached our destination. Waiting for us already were Rahman's group and Alhaitham, still smug about himself.
"Heh," Alhaitham said, smirking. "They got here before us."
Paimon gasped. "Uh-oh! Is it because Paimon overslept by five minutes and held everyone up?"
Lumine sighed. "You didn't have to admit to that."
Nilou tilted her head. "But it's okay… five minutes doesn't matter that much, right?"
I threw my arm around her shoulder. "Exactly, Goddess. Five minutes late is still fashionable timing. Just look at my coat."
"That's your old coat, you refused the gold one." Lumine deadpans.
Greg whacked me in the jaw with his tail like shut up, idiot.
Rahman stepped forward. "Is everything ready?"
Alhaitham nodded. "Absolutely. Although… you brought fewer people than I imagined."
Rahman's expression didn't waver. "Bring him over."
"Grandpa!" Isak cried, running forward.
Paimon blinked. "Why is there only one of them?"
Dehya's voice hardened. "Rahman, I've always thought of you as a man of his word. What's this about?"
Rahman spread his arms. "It's a one-for-one exchange. Sounds fair, don't ya think? Or let me put it this way… agreeing to any kind of deal with the Dendro Archon's people is already a huge compromise on my part. Don't you think you've asked enough?"
Alhaitham's jaw clenched but he said nothing.
Dehya stepped forward, eyes flashing. "...Uh-uh, you stay right there."
I threw my hands up. "Oh come on! Really? We walked through a sandstorm buffet, fought a scorpion from hell, and wrestled Big Bird's evil twin, and this is what we get?!"
Nilou tugged lightly on my sleeve, whispering, "Shigeru, not now…"
Lumine sighed, already bracing herself. "Here we go again…"
Greg crawled down my arm and bonked his head against my wrist like sit down before you make this worse.
__________________
End of Chapter 127
Quests Completed:
*Become the unwilling resting spot for Lumine, Nilou, and Paimon. Gain +20 Affection, -15 Spinal Integrity.
*Allow the girls (and Greg) to forcibly upgrade your wardrobe. End result: partial betrayal of your beloved black coat, but +50% protagonist energy.
*Declare yourself destined to become a crab due to sand consumption. Party not impressed. Cyno considered ending you.
*Mistake a giant desert scorpion for food. Wrestle it, win (barely), and make everyone question your survival instincts.
*Fight a giant desert bird while yelling about "built-in cutlery." Somehow survive. Paimon traumatized.
*Complain loudly about Rahman's unfair trade in the middle of tense diplomacy. Greg tail-smacks you into silence before war breaks out.
*Escort Isak and the group to Rahman's camp for the scholar trade. Survive sandstorms, wildlife ambushes, and terrible negotiations. Outcome: one scholar retrieved… but trust fraying.
Rewards:
*Sofa Promotion Badge (Proof you were used as furniture; +10 Affection, -5 Dignity)
*Nilou's Ornament Belt (Beautiful, hand-made; glows faintly in moonlight; +5 Style)
*Paimon's Teapot Badge (Party unity emblem; equippable on coat)
*Nilou's Soft Smile (Removes 1 stack of Stress, +2 Calm)
*New Drip (Makes me 50% cooler, and 100% more shinier)
*Greg's Seatbelt Mode (Passive: Panic resistance +15%)
*Scorpion Stinger Fragment (Trophy from the desert scorpion; slightly cursed)
*Big Bird Feather (Proof of desert bird defeat; may cause sneezing if inhaled)
*Golden Coat of Betrayal (Unequipped, but still mocking you from the teapot closet)
*Lumine's Cheek Kiss (Lingering buff: +10 Courage, +10 Fluster)
*Nilou's Pout of Doom (Status effect: -10 Willpower to resist cuddles)
*Greg's Judgment Tail Smack (Used automatically when about to say something that escalates diplomacy; cooldown 24h)
*Mysterious Pita Crumb (Restores 2 HP, causes minor party suspicion)
*Reputation: +15 (Aaru Village — "Reliable but Loud Allies")
Achievement Unlocked:
"Desert Runway Model"
-Strutted into Aaru Village like the coat and new drip was more important than the missing scholars.