You know, there are a lot of things I could be doing right now. Like sleeping. Or stuffing my face with dango. Or literally anything that doesn't involve disguising myself as a guard after getting knocked out by a so-called ally. But hey, here I am. Living the dream, baby.
Ayato and I followed the plan to a tee. It was nighttime, the perfect setting for stealth, betrayal, and questionable decisions. Ayato, the magnificent bastard, already managed to plant the resistance army right under everyone's noses. Classic Kamisato brilliance. Meanwhile, our part of the plan? Well, it involved ropes. And a little bit of betrayal. Okay, fake betrayal.
The fireworks lit up the sky like it owed us money. Yoimiya really went all in. It was flashy, loud, and kinda romantic actually, if you weren't trying to pull off an infiltration mission with a nobleman who looked like he was born with a cup of tea in his hand.
"Alright," Ayato muttered coolly as we ducked behind a tree like some covert agents from a historical drama. "Everything's in place. Shuumatsuban has secured the resistance positions. Now for our part."
"Heh," I smirked, cracking my knuckles. "Time to bring out my acting skills. Bet I could win an Inazuman Oscar for this."
"You just have to lie there tied up. Don't get dramatic," he said flatly.
Rude.
Still, I let him tie me up. Not gonna lie, he was a bit too good at it. I squirmed.
"Hey. If you have a secret bondage hobby, we're going to need to have a talk after this."
"Shut it, Shigeru."
We moved fast. He dragged me—rather ungracefully, I might add—through the gates of Tenshukaku. Two guards stepped forward, swords drawn.
Ayato didn't flinch.
"Oh?" he said, calm but carrying that terrifying 'I pay your salary' tone. "You dare point your sword toward one of the Commissioners? Not to mention, the one who just captured one of the most wanted fugitives in Inazuma?"
Pressure.
Sweet archons, the pressure.
Even I almost felt guilty, and I was the fake fugitive.
The guards flinched, looked at each other, and immediately stepped aside. As soon as we passed through the gate and entered the hallway, Ayato dropped me unceremoniously.
"Okay," he said. "Time for phase two."
"Which is...?"
WHAM. He knocked both guards unconscious.
I looked down at them. "Oof. That guy's gonna wake up with a new religion."
Ayato rolled his sleeves, calm as always. "Put on his uniform. You'll blend in. Another guard will stand beside you. Pretend like you've been there all along."
I shrugged. "So basically, act like I've worked here for years, with the paycheck of zero and the benefits of being possibly stabbed? Easy."
I slipped into the uniform. It was tight. My biceps were fighting for their lives.
A guard walked up, squinting at me. "Hey, you're the guy Lord Ayato was mad at earlier? The one whose partner ditched him?"
I nodded sagely. "Yeah. That bastard. Ditched me just like my father ditched me for milk."
He blinked. "What?"
"Never mind. Let's just stand here and pretend to guard something important. Like that potted plant over there. Look how suspicious it looks."
I could tell he already regretted being paired with me.
A few moments passed. Then—
Kujou Sara.
Storming down the hall like a war goddess on a mission. Her face? Thunderous. Her steps? Heavy. Her aura? Murder.
The guard beside me moved instinctively, stepping forward.
"Stop—"
I grabbed his sleeve, eyes wide. "Bro. No. Just... no. You got a death wish?"
"But—"
"Look at her eyes. That's the face of someone who didn't get her morning tea. We step in front of her, we become pancakes."
He hesitated. Saw the fury in Sara's eyes. Backed off. Smart man.
Sara passed by like a hurricane in heels.
And then...
Lumine and Paimon.
My heart thumped. Not from fear. From anticipation.
I grinned.
Finally...
"It has begun," I whispered, putting on my best dramatic anime pose. The guard next to me flinched. I might've whispered too dramatically.
But of course, fate couldn't just let me enjoy the moment.
"Psst. Hey," the guard beside me nudged. "You saw that Traveler girl? She's hot, right?"
I blinked.
"You have a death wish after all," I whispered.
"W-What?"
"You said that. Out loud. In Tenshukaku. While Kujou Sara is in killer mode. And while Ayato is around. And Lumine? The girl who probably punched gods? Bro…"
He gulped.
I patted his shoulder. "Don't worry. I'll write something cool on your grave."
He didn't speak again.
A few more guards passed by, and I made sure to nod at each one with the confidence of a man who absolutely did not belong there.
"Morning."
"Sup."
"Nice mustache."
That last one got me a weird look. But hey, I was committed.
Ayato passed by again, giving me a subtle nod.
Operation Sneaky Sneaky Chaotic Dumbass: Progressing.
As more footsteps echoed down the hall, I kept my stance straight. Professional. Stoic. Like a true guard.
On the inside?
"Okay okay okay, so Sara is going in, Lumine is on the move, Ayato's playing 4D chess and I'm standing here in a very tight uniform, pretending to be a wall ornament. We're good. We're good. This is fine. I'm fine."
My nose started itching.
"No, not now. Don't."
I held it in.
Almost.
"ACHOO!"
Every head turned. The guard next to me stared.
I panicked.
"Sorry. Allergic to intense situations."
Silence.
Then they turned back.
I exhaled.
Living on the edge, baby.
By the time the tension eased and I resumed 'guarding,' I could hear distant sounds. Shouting. Movement. Explosions?
The fun had truly begun.
I tapped the guard next to me. "Hey. Want to hear a joke?"
He groaned. "No."
"What did one visionless Fatui say to the other?"
"I said no—"
"Delusion-ally yours."
He walked three steps away from me.
Totally worth it.
Somewhere deeper inside Tenshukaku, I knew the pieces were moving.
Ayato's plan was unfolding. The resistance was making its move. Lumine was confronting the truth. Sara was going full justice mode.
And me?
I was dressed as a guard, cracking terrible jokes, and trying not to sneeze again.
And yet, I grinned.
Because everything was going according to plan.
"Let's save the world. One stupid disguise at a time."
***
Alright. Everyone's done with their little dramatic monologues and world-changing plot points outside. The explosions? Check. The epic Lumine versus Signora showdown? Also check. Which means...
"Time to go in," I muttered to myself, cracking my knuckles like I'm some anime protagonist about to get a power-up scene. (I mean, technically, I am the main character... in my head.)
I glanced sideways at the sleepy-looking guard beside me. Poor dude had literal dark circles darker than Abyss mages' morals.
"Hey, man," I said casually, elbowing him. "Your eyebags look like they've been to war. You sleepin' alright?"
He yawned like a dying walrus. "Ugh... not really. Ever since the Vision Hunt Decree started, I haven't had a proper night's rest. Too much patrolling. Too much paranoia."
I nodded solemnly. "Yeah... you really need some rest."
Then I decked him.
"—YOU BETTER REST WELL!!!"
His body hit the floor like a sack of cabbages and I gave him the most respectful head nod. RIP, my dude. May your dreams be peaceful and Raiden-free.
Alright, it's go time.
I strutted towards the Tenshukaku's front gate like I owned the place. And guess what? Lumine had already turned Signora into a discount rug. Girl was laid out, clutching her chest like she just realized she left her Pyro application at home.
"She really had the gal to face a fully built Lumine," I whispered to myself, staring at Signora's sorry state. "Clearly... not a good decision."
And then—oh no.
Here comes Miss Thunder Barbie Supreme herself: the Shogun, gliding forward like she's about to deliver divine judgment and a limited banner rerun.
She raised her sword.
Signora, crawling like a distressed crab, wheezed out, "I-I am a Snezhnayan Diplomat... You know what happens if you lay a finger on me... I swear, if you strike me... the Fatui will... make your precious Ina—"
Zzztt.
Shogun activated that dramatic purple electric wheel thing behind her—yeah, the elemental skill from the game. Absolutely terrifying.
Signora started full-on losing it.
"STOP! I ORDER YOU! Filthy rats... ALL OF YOU!!!"
Damn. Not even a scroll bar could save her now.
But then I remembered... we still needed the spicy Snezhnayan alive. She might be crazy, but she's our crazy. I took a deep breath.
"Alright, time to save the baddie."
Infusing my feet with Electro and Anemo, I flash-stepped like a Genshin version of Sonic and anime-boy Naruto combined. The moment the Shogun's blade came down, I blocked it.
CLAAAANG!
"Not so fast, puppet."
Lightning crackled around us. My Geo-infused blade hummed like a bass drop waiting to happen.
I turned slightly and yelled toward Lumine and Paimon, "Get her outta here! I'll hold this electro waifu down!"
Signora looked stunned, blood on her lips and dignity on the floor. "Y-You... Why? Why would you save me?"
I gave her the classic Shigeru smirk.
"The enemy of my enemy is my temporary acquaintance. Let's not get all tsundere now. We'll fix our love-hate arc later."
Lumine helped her up. "Let's go. Let's believe in that idiot."
"Wow, thanks," I muttered. "The confidence is overwhelming."
The girls escaped. Now it's just me... and Puppet-chan.
She stared at me. Sword crackling. No emotions. Pure lethal waifu energy.
I sighed, cracked my neck, and took a few steps forward.
"Now, now, Puppet. No matter how cute you are... I gotta keep you here to buy them time."
She blinked. Her blade rose.
I smirked. "Aight. Time for round two. Face this FULLY BUILT SHIGERU!!!"
Cue dramatic battle pose.
ALRIGHT. TIME TO GO ULTRA INSTINCT — BUT MAKE IT TAYVAT EDITION.
Trading blows with the Electro Archon herself. Just another normal Tuesday.
I grip both my Amenoma Kageuchi and Prototype Rancour tightly, channeling every ounce of my being into not immediately dying. Raiden Shogun's coming at me like an elegant murder blender, glowing with purple death, and I—
—look like a lunatic doing martial arts with elemental chaos.
She swings her sword. I counter with a Geo spear.
Yes. A Geo spear. Summoned out of nowhere like I'm some kind of budget Zhongli on crack. The thing hurls toward her like I'm a divine javelin thrower on steroids.
"Geo Spear Hurling Technique: Flying Rock Impalement!" I shouted as I yeeted a giant glowing spear made of Geo straight at her. Because naming your attacks makes them stronger. That's science.
She dodges. I scream.
"STOP DODGING AND JUST—TAKE IT!!"
She doesn't.
Of course she doesn't.
Instead, she unleashes some kind of anime lightning wave and I respond by combining Anemo and Electro to turn into a human Beyblade.
And oh, look. I'm spinning.
"WOOOO!"
…Right into a wall.
Ow.
I stagger back up, one eye twitching. "You're crazy hot—uh, I mean—STRONG! Strong! Definitely meant strong!"
She doesn't reply.
Just charges again, blade glowing like she's about to delete me from existence.
Luckily, I've got more elemental bullshit up my sleeve.
I swung the big-ass claymore I summoned outta nowhere, slammed a Geo pillar down like Zhongli's discount cousin, and hurled an Electro-charged Anemo tornado at her.
"THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!"
Spoiler: it totally is.
We clash again. Blade to blade. The Tenshukaku is screaming around us. Thunder rumbles. Lightning cracks the sky.
I'm grinning like a psycho. Because this? This is the dream.
Fighting a hot evil puppet goddess with all my upgraded artifacts? Peak fiction.
But then—she releases a surge.
ZAP.
My whole body gets yeeted back like someone drop-kicked a toaster into my bathtub.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH—"
CRASH!
I skid across the stone like a skipping rock on steroids, faceplants first, and roll like I'm reenacting a tragic anime protagonist flashback.
I groan. I get up.
Then—she opens a portal.
My eyes widen.
Oh no.
OH NO I KNOW THAT SCENE.
"SHE'S DOING THE CUTSCENE THING—"
She dives in.
"LUMINE!!!" I shouted.
I see Lumine. Standing there like the main character she is.
Raiden Shogun's sword rises.
Then...
KAZUHAH TO THE RESCUEEEE!
My boy jumps in, parries that crap like a giga chad.
And me? I leap through the portal like a possessed maniac, yelling: "OH NO YOU DON'T!"
Mid-air. Dual swords glowing. Me—shouting like a man who has had too much coffee and trauma.
"MOSOU NO HI—TATAKAE!!" I screamed. Like an idiot.
I clash with Raiden Shogun. Sparks fly. We're in the void again. That weird purple dimension where time and death have no meaning.
Paimon screams. Lumine glares.
The resistance soldiers light up like someone just gave them a triple espresso and an anime speech.
Paimon's like, "What do we do!?"
I shout back: "PANIC AND ATTACK RANDOMLY!"
Lumine doesn't listen to me, obviously. She pulls out her big-ass electro sword, looking majestic as hell, and leaps at Raiden Shogun like she's ready to drop the final act.
Raiden's ready. We're swallowed by darkness again.
And I?
I walk up beside Lumine. Casually. Sword resting on my shoulder. Slightly smoking from earlier electrocution.
I nudge her with my elbow.
"Back in here again, huh?"
She raises an eyebrow.
I crack my neck and smirk.
"Let's destroy her this time."
Let's finish this, Ei.
You may be majestic. Beautiful. Deadly.
But I am...
The Main Character's Chaotic Best Friend.
And this idiot isn't dying today.
__________________________
End of Chapter 64
Quests Completed:
*Sneak into Raiden Shogun's castle with a half-baked plan and 10% stealth.
*Get Ayato to physically threaten you at least once. (Totally Worth it)
*Verbally end the Ice Queen before Raiden physically does it. (Still saved her, though)
* Talk like you own the castle, mock people's fashion, and throw shade faster than Electro lightning.
*Trigger a Boss Fight with Raiden Shogun just by Opening your mouth.
Rewards:
*+1 Intelligence (debatable)
*+500 Adventurer EXP
*Raiden Shogun's Undivided Attention (May cause electrocution. Use wisely.)
*Getting tied up by Ayato (Ultra Legendary Tier)
*New Weapon Skill Unlocked: "Flash Step: Dramatic Entrance Edition"
*+1 Charisma (Unintentionally)
*+10 Electro Resistance (Out of Spite)
*+20 Plot Progression
*+5 Confusion Aura in enemy NPCs
+10 Determination
*-100 Self-Preservation
Achievements:
"Simultaneously Braver and Stupider Than Anyone Alive"
-Intentionally piss off a literal goddess of eternity just to make eye contact with a Fatui Baddie. Was it worth it? Probably. Are you alive? Technically. Was you stupid? Yes, beautifully so.
"You Shouldn't Be Alive"
-Walk into the Raiden Shogun's holy sanctuary, pretend to be a guard using armor that creaks louder than your anxiety, argue with a Harbinger, mess with a Kamisato, and still somehow avoid turning into electro-flavored ashes.