You ever climb a waterfall-covered clam shrine on top of a floating hill?
No? Good. Don't.
Because apparently, the real final boss of Watatsumi Island isn't the Shogunate Army. It's this godforsaken geography. Who designed this? Who decided, "Hey, let's put a critical military outpost on top of a seafood-themed Mount Everest!" Like what were y'all smoking—dried starfish?
I swear, by the time we reached the Sangonomiya Shrine, I was half-dead, half-wet, and fully traumatized. Lumine was quiet the whole climb—which is scary, because that usually means she's one waterfall away from launching me off a cliff. Paimon just hovered above us, completely unbothered. I'm convinced she has a personal vendetta against gravity.
But anyway.
We finally made it. And right at the top, surrounded by flowing waterfalls and sparkly coral lights and an unhealthy amount of humidity, stood Her Fishiness—Kokomi. Mid-convo with a very serious Sangonomiya Samurai.
"Food supplies are the absolute priority, period," she said with that calm, no-nonsense tone that made me feel like I forgot my homework.
"We cannot afford any losses. With the conflict between us and the Shogun's Army getting more intense by the day, we must prioritize the stability of the rearguard."
Samurai-dude nodded. "Understood. I will think of a way."
Kokomi nodded back. "Take heart. We have a fresh batch of supplies in hand, and I'm working on expanding the army. I appreciate that the lack of manpower has been hard on all of you. But things are going to get better."
The samurai actually looked like he just got told Santa was real.
"We're expanding the army? Oh, that's great. Whoever this mystery supporter is, they're doing us a great service."
And that, folks, was our cue.
I stepped forward like the hero I kinda am and threw up a peace sign. "Yo."
The Samurai blinked. "Who might you be?"
Oh baby.
"Allow me to introduce the magnificent squad of possibly-too-chaotic-to-handle adventurers: Lumine, our team carry and living embodiment of violence; Paimon, our floating, screaming, somewhat edible mascot; and me, the local menace with great hair and better jokes—Shigeru, at your service!"
Paimon sighed like she's aged 20 years. "He does this every time..."
Lumine just rubbed her temples.
Kokomi blinked. "Ah, perfect timing. These three are the supporters I mentioned."
"Oh really?" The Samurai squinted at us, gears in his head turning. "Wait, so you're the new recruits everyone's talking about?"
He pointed to Lumine. "The blond with the strength of twenty men."
Then Paimon. "The floating fairy companion who supports from the sidelines."
Then he turned to me. And paused.
"And... you must be the so-called Menace. The one who hurls spears and arrows at everyone. Including your own comrades."
...
I blinked.
Dang, I already have a bad rep? I haven't even started sabotaging properly yet!
"Yeah yeah, that's probably us, Samurai-with-the-cool-mustache," I said, still maintaining my charming grin.
Paimon threw up her hands. "Seriously?! What's going on with these rumors—Well okay, they're actually right about Shigeru."
"Paimon."
She shrugged. "Paimon's just sayin'."
"Hey, floating emergency food, quiet down, will you?"
She stuck her tongue out.
Before a full argument could break out (and trust me, it would), Lumine shot us a glare so sharp, I swear it sliced the air.
We immediately shut up.
I turned my attention to Kokomi. "So, Kokofi—"
SMACK.
"OW! Woman! What was that all about?!"
She didn't say anything. Just glared. My soul left my body. And I swear, I saw my life flash before my eyes. There was a goat in it. Don't ask.
"Riiight. I mean... Kokomi. So uh, what's poppin'?"
Kokomi turned to me with that calm war-leader face that says, "I can lead a nation and still make tea time."
"Oh right," she said. "Not long ago, someone wrote to me, saying they wished to support Watatsumi Island's resistance effort. They also furnished us with a great deal of supplies."
My dumb grin slowly faded.
I stepped forward, serious now. "Divine Priestess, we need to talk."
***
Okay, so here's the thing.
When someone says, "We need to talk," it usually means one of two things: a dramatic confession or a bombshell of doom.
Guess which one this is.
Hint: it ain't the romantic one.
"Uhhh... Think we should, you know? Go somewhere private?" I asked, glancing between Lumine and Kokomi with my best serious face. Which, granted, still looks 70% chaotic and 30% like I just stepped on a rake.
Kokomi nodded. Calm, collected, pink goldfish of a strategist that she is. She gestured us inside the Sangonomiya Shrine like this was a casual tea party and not a war meeting. Meanwhile, I'm internally screaming because what I'm about to drop is hotter than Paimon getting dunked in boiling soup.
Once we were inside and sitting, I took a breath.
And then said it.
"Let me begin by saying: we're fucked."
They blinked.
"Like, totally fucked. Like, fuck-fucked. Screwed, doomed, absolutely mollywhopped."
Kokomi's eyebrow twitched. You know the kind. The kind that says, What the absolute seashell is this idiot saying? But she didn't say it. She stayed calm.
"...Care to explain?" she asked in her usual calm voice, but I could already hear the mental sigh behind it.
"Okay so," I began, clapping my hands dramatically. "Fatui. You know 'em. Creepy masks, shady vibes, walking red flags. Turns out they've been distributing Delusions here on Watatsumi like it's free candy on Halloween, except this candy turns your insides into volcanic soup and gives you the emotional stability of a wet paper bag."
Kokomi: "...What?"
Lumine: "Unfortunately, he's right."
Paimon: "Still could've explained it better!"
"No no, let me finish," I waved like some chaotic prophet on a mission. "These Delusions, they boost power sure, but they're also draining life force. Like your soul's on a treadmill while you're being electrocuted and emotionally gaslit at the same time. They'll make you feel like a god, right before they turn you into a puddle of uselessness."
Kokomi stared. "And your source?"
"My brain. My beautiful, unappreciated brain," I declared, pointing at my temple.
Lumine pinched the bridge of her nose.
"But also, evidence. We've seen soldiers collapse, patterns forming. And—this is the juicy part—we got an infiltrator. His name's Nathan. Sangonomiya Samurai. Except plot twist: he's a Fatui rat bastard."
Paimon: "Whoa…"
Lumine: "Yeah. We saw the signs. Discreet meetings, suspicious movements, the usual spy shit."
"Anyway!" I clapped again. "Our solution? Operation: 'Kick the Fatui Out So Hard They Respawn in Snezhnaya.'"
Kokomi sighed deeply. The kind of sigh reserved for dealing with me specifically.
"So what's the plan?" she asked, probably against her better judgment.
"I'm glad you asked!" I stood up dramatically. "Plan's simple. We divide and conquer. I'll be out there, in the field, doing my thing—you know, throwing spears, yelling dramatic one-liners, causing chaos. Basically being bait, but sexy bait."
Lumine: "Please don't describe yourself like that."
Paimon: "Yeah, ew."
"Lumine, you're in charge of investigating those creepy-ass ruins where the Delusions are being made. You've got the skill, the stealth, and the whole 'main character with brain cells' package."
Lumine: "...Thanks?"
"And Kokomi," I pointed at her with a solemn look, "you stay here. Be cute. Be strategic. Swim in circles like a goldfish in a pink tank."
SMACK!
Lumine hit me. Again.
"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!" I cried.
"You're lucky I didn't smack harder," she muttered.
Kokomi coughed politely and moved on like I hadn't just compared her to a pet store decoration. "I'll focus on reorganizing supply lines, maintaining morale, and adjusting troop deployment based on our current intelligence."
"See? See? That's the kind of cute tactical talk we need!" I said.
She ignored me.
Then she stood. "Given recent developments, I'd like to make a few decisions. Lumine, I am officially appointing you as Captain of Swordfish II. You've shown leadership and strength, and your efforts will be vital to this cause."
Lumine blinked. "Oh. Thank you."
Paimon: "Captain Lumine! Ooh, that sounds so cool!"
"And Shigeru…" Kokomi turned to me.
I sat up straight.
Was this it? Was I finally going to get a cool, official title?!
"You will be… Vice Commander. Next to General Gorou."
"YESSSS!" I stood up, pumping both fists in the air. "FINALLY! A title worthy of my greatness! Vice Commander Shigeru, reporting for duty, ma'am!"
Paimon: "This is gonna go to his head so fast."
Lumine: "It's already there."
I puffed out my chest. "Hey, respect your superior, alright?"
Lumine slowly turned her head to glare at me.
I immediately shrank back into my seat. "You're right, Captain of Swordfish II. I need to stay quiet for a while."
Kokomi: "Let's hope your actions match your confidence."
"Oh don't you worry, Kokofi—"
SMACK! (Again.)
"—I mean, Divine Priestess, I got this."
And so I grinned like an idiot as I declared, "Alright gang! Time to save this Godforsaken region and stay alive as much as possible!"
Cue awkward silence.
Cue Kokomi sighing again.
Cue Lumine facepalming.
Cue Paimon already regretting everything.
Just another day in paradise.
So there I was—Vice Commander Shigeru. Sounds hot, right? Like, someone should be printing posters of me already. But no, instead of basking in the glory of my totally earned promotion, I was already scheming.
Because what's the point of a fancy title if you don't get to abuse it responsibly?
Let me be honest for a second. I don't ask for a lot.
Okay, maybe that's a lie. I ask for a lot of things. Like peace and quiet. A nap. A vacation. A Mora sponsorship. A wife. Preferrably someone with a name, Nilou. A slime plushie. But this time? This time it's something reasonable.
"Hey Priestess," I said, standing with all the grace of a man about to ask for something stupid. "Can I have a request? You know, Vice Commander perks and all that jazz."
Kokomi turned to me with her usual diplomatic, angel-in-human-form smile. Honestly, it's not fair. She could stab someone and you'd still thank her for it.
"Of course," she said kindly, hands folded behind her back. "If it's within my ability."
Bingo. Jackpot. Ding ding ding. This is why I love Inazuma's pink strategist.
I grinned like the idiot I proudly am.
"Teppei."
She blinked. Lumine paused. Paimon did a dramatic gasp like I just revealed I was secretly a harbinger.
"Remember that guy? You know, big hero energy, sunshine smile, weirdly loyal like a puppy but also totally doesn't know when to quit?"
Kokomi's head tilted slightly. "Teppei from the Watatsumi resistance?"
"Yep. That one. I want him as my right-hand man."
Silence.
Absolute.
Pin-drop.
And then Kokomi, with the serenity of a queen who's already used to dealing with my crap, just smiled. "Very well. I'll inform him immediately."
BOOM. WISH GRANTED.
"YES! Thank you, O Glittering Strategist of the Coral Court!"
"...Please don't call me that."
"Too late. It's canon now."
Honestly, this is the kind of power people fear. Me, a title, and a little authority? Dangerous. I could bring this world to its knees or at least mildly inconvenience a Fatui supply chain.
We began moving out of the shrine to execute the plan. Troop coordination, routes, signal flares, shouting dramatic code names like Operation Flaming Sushi—okay maybe that one was mine—but it was coming together.
As we stepped outside, the sun hit my face dramatically, and I turned to Lumine. You know that moment in movies where the music swells and the wind catches your coat and it's all serious and sad and borderline epic?
Yeah.
This was my moment.
"Hey," I said.
She glanced at me, already suspicious.
"We're about to be separated again," I said, scratching the back of my head. "And, like, I know you're all badass and Traveler-y and 'I saved three nations before breakfast' or whatever, but... Please. I'm begging you. Just this once."
I placed both hands on her shoulders.
"Don't cause something that'll result in world destruction. I'm not joking. For real. My trauma resume is already stacked. Don't make me add 'Survived Apocalypse #2: Electric Boogaloo.'"
She rolled her eyes. Like I was the one being dramatic. Like I was the one exaggerating.
"You're overreacting."
"Am I?! AM I?! We literally fought a damn hydro god that screamed in ancient runes when I was just out for literally one day?!"
She just walked off like she didn't almost summon Armageddon with her last major questline.
Paimon followed her, snickering.
"I'm serious!" I shouted. "I'm not ready to see another dragon made of regret and sadness!"
Nothing. No sympathy. Just footsteps fading into the distance.
And so, I stood there, cracked my neck like I was prepping for a boss battle.
"Aight," I muttered. "Time to change the fate of someone with hero syndrome."
Then I marched forward. Back to the frontlines. Back into the chaos. Back into whatever plot twist Celestia has planned for me this time.
Let's hope this time, I don't end up half-dead, emotionally wrecked, or smacked again by Lumine.
And you know what? With Teppei as my right-hand man, maybe—just maybe—we'll survive this with minimal trauma. Maybe. Probably not. But hey, one can dream.
___________________________
End of Chapter 60
Quests Completed:
*Successfully delivered the Inazuma war updates to Kokomi.
*Prove You're Not Useless (To Kokomi)
*Get slapped by Lumine in front of a shrine and Kokomi—an unexpected ritual
Sub-Quests:
*Reached the top of the Sangonomiya Shrine alive. (Didn't cry. Much.)
* Shared a quiet, genuine talk after the meeting with Kokomi.
*Defended your value in the Resistance.
Rewards:
* New Role Unlocked: Vice Commander of the Resistance
*+10 Trust Points with Lumine
*+2 Curiosity and +3 Annoyance Kokomi
* -1 Brain Cell to Paimon
*+1 Vision of Self-Worth
*+2 Smacks from Lumine
*+1 Mysterious Fatui Intel
*+1 New Adventure Uniform Pending (Maybe... one day…)
Achievement:
"Promoted Without Trying"
-Become Vice Commander of the Resistance despite being the least professional person in the room.