Jayden Malone woke up to the sound of a hundred error notifications screaming in his skull.
[EMERGENCY MAINTENANCE IN PROGRESS]
[PLEASE STAND BY FOR MANDATORY UPDATES]
"Ugh," he groaned, swatting at the blinking pop-ups like they were particularly aggressive mosquitoes. "Five more minutes, Satan."
The messages multiplied.
[CRITICAL PATCH REQUIRED]
[ANOMALY-CLASS USER "JAYDEN MALONE" IS BREAKING REALITY]
Jayden rolled out of bed—directly onto a half-eaten bag of Cheetos he'd left on the floor last night. The orange dust stuck to his face like war paint.
"Perfect," he muttered, licking cheese powder off his fingers. "Let's see what fresh hell this is."
The first "fix" arrived with all the grace of a drunk intern.
[TUTORIAL MODULE ENGAGED]
A chipper voice echoed in his head. "Hello, valued user! Let's learn how to—"
Jayden grabbed the glowing tutorial prompt mid-air and threw it at a squirrel outside his window.
[Freakish Act Detected: UI Weaponization]
[Squirrel is now proficient in Microsoft Excel]
The second attempt came as a job offer.
[CLASS REASSIGNMENT AVAILABLE]
[SELECT: WARRIOR / MAGE / ROGUE]
Jayden stared at the options. "Hmm." He reached out—and dragged all three into the trash icon that appeared when he squinted.
[CLASS ASSIGNED: FREAKIER FREAK]
[Perk Unlocked: "No, Seriously, What Is Wrong With You?"]
The System glitched so hard his left ear started playing Yakety Sax.
The air split open with the sound of a thousand printers jammed at once. From the tear in reality emerged The Administrator—a floating clipboard with too many eyes, its form constantly shifting between "corporate middle manager" and "eldritch horror."
[USER JAYDEN MALONE] it boomed, voice like a disappointed god. [YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF SYSTEM STABILITY PROTOCOLS]
Jayden scratched his Cheeto-dusted neck. "Cool. Wanna coffee?"
The Admin's form flickered. [SIGN THIS WAIVER ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR NERFS]
A 300-page document materialized. Jayden flipped to the last page and drew:
A stick figure riding a dragon
The word "BORING" in bubble letters
A surprisingly detailed phallus
[Freakish Act Detected: Legal Vandalism]
[Admin Sanity -10%]
The clipboard trembled. [WHY DO YOU RESIST BALANCE?]
Jayden grinned. "Why do you keep trying?"
[PERMANENT BUFF ACQUIRED: ADMIN'S MIGRAINE]
[Effect: System notifications now appear in Comic Sans]
As the Admin vanished with a sound like a deflating whoopee cushion, Jayden's phone buzzed. His new cult's group chat was blowing up:
@PraiseTheFreak: Our lord! The downtown dungeon is serving tacos!
@KetchupDisciple: Sacred condiments await your blessing
Jayden sighed and reached for his sneakers. Another day, another apocalypse.
9:15 AM - Help Wanted (Mostly Because We're Helpless)
Jayden stood in front of the newly erected "Adventurer's Guild" bulletin board, squinting at the least professional help-wanted ad he'd ever seen:
**"SEEKING:
1 (one) not-insane person
Must tolerate constant reality glitches
Free tacos (maybe)"**
The flyer was signed with a ketchup thumbprint.
"Perfect," Jayden muttered, just as three shadows fell over him.
The first applicant extended a claw.
"Greetings! I am Simon the Arcane!"
[Simon - Lvl 6 Cryomancer]
[Affliction: Permanent Crustacean Conjuration]
Jayden watched as Simon attempted to cast a frostbolt—only for a live lobster to materialize and clamp onto his nose.
"Gah! Not again!" Simon flailed, the lobster waving its claws menacingly.
Jayden nodded. "Hired."
The second applicant stood at rigid attention, her armor so polished Jayden could see his own dumbfounded reflection in her breastplate.
"Sir! I am Sister Beatrice of the Order of Absolute Clarity!"
[Beatrice - Lvl 5 Paladin]
[Trait: Zero Sarcasm Comprehension]
Jayden rubbed his chin. "Alright, Beatrice. Smite that evil!" He pointed at a nearby fire hydrant.
Without hesitation, Beatrice dropkicked the hydrant, unleashing a geyser that drenched a passing nun.
"...That was a test, right?"
Jayden wiped water from his face. "Welcome aboard."
The third applicant materialized in a puff of frustrated static, now crammed into a very tight business casual ensemble.
[Former System Admin - Lvl ∞ Paper Pusher]
[Current Status: Mortal & Pissed]
"I hate you," the Admin said, adjusting its tie. "The Council has sentenced me to 'understand your nonsense' as punishment."
Jayden grinned. "So you're like our... quest giver now?"
The Admin's eye twitched. "I will end you."
"Team bonding!" Jayden clapped. "First mission—retrieve the McGuffin of Normalcy!"
The McGuffin—a glowing orb that supposedly "fixed" anomalies—sat on a pedestal in the center of the Library of Reason.
"Alright, team," Jayden whispered as they crouched behind a bookshelf. "Simon, create a distraction."
Simon nodded, casting his spell—only for a rain of shrimp to pour from the ceiling.
[Freakish Act Detected: Seafood Surprise]
[Librarians are now confused but well-fed]
While the scholars slipped on crustaceans, Beatrice charged. "I SHALL RETRIEVE THE ORB OF—"
"NO NAMES!" Jayden hissed.
Too late. Three Rationality Golems peeled from the walls, their textbook-formed bodies creaking.
[Rationality Golem - Lvl 9]
[Weakness: Nonsense]
Jayden sighed, then grabbed the McGuffin—and immediately plopped his beer on it.
[McGuffin of Normalcy has been repurposed as a coaster]
[Effect: All nearby enemies now crave nachos]
The golems paused, then shuffled toward the library cafe.
The Admin put its head in its hands. "I quit."