The Sanctuary of the Glitch wasn't holy. It wasn't even whole.
Crumbling Gothic arches yawned like broken teeth over aisles choked with mutant ivy. Stained-glass windows depicted saints… if saints rode skateboards into the mouths of Krakens. A demonic karaoke machine pulsed where the altar should be, crooning "Highway to Hell" in a distorted baritone.
Jayden's giant pigeon landed on a half-collapsed pulpit, scattering plaster dust. Gor'gath the Balrog ducked under the doorway, his union rep badge glinting. "Cozy. Needs more lava pits."
Marcy cradled her sentient mayo packet, whispering: "Is… is this where the Creamy One dwells?"
The packet vibrated: "I SEE… CHEESE DUST AND POSSIBILITY."
Beatrice knelt, hammer across her knees. "By the Holy Frying Pan, I claim this ground for the…" She faltered, glancing at Jayden. "…Messy?"
Jayden scooped tzatziki from Barry's offering tub, smearing it on a cracked pillar. "For the Free."
[Sanctuary Claimed: 12%]
[Effect: Glitch Resonance Detected – Proceed With Caution]
Jayden found the Admin's remnant in the choir loft – not a ghost, but a flickering sticky note pasted to a hymnal:
> "Malone –
Cathedral's AI is glitchy (obviously).
Don't let Beatrice 'cleanse' the demonic karaoke machine.
It runs the plumbing.
– Still Not Your Secretary"
Jayden traced the faded ink. "Could've just said 'good luck,' you dramatic bastard."
Simon climbed up, Pinchy nestled in his hood. "He chose this, Jayden. For us."
"Yeah? Well I didn't ask him to." Jayden's voice cracked. "I trip over shoelaces and throw ketchup. I don't… lead martyrs."
Simon placed a trembling hand on Jayden's arm. A tiny shrimp materialized on Jayden's shoulder. "Pinchy says you're doing fine."
The shrimp waved. Jayden flicked it away, but smiled.
The sentient mayo packet levitated before the cracked statue of Saint Distraction (patron saint of unfinished projects). Barry and his Tzatziki Enlightened gathered, awed.
"HEAR ME, CREAMY CHILDREN," the packet intoned. "THE PATH TO SALVATION IS… FERMENTED."
It spat a glob of mayo onto the floor. The tiles shimmered, revealing a hidden cellar – inside, a single, bubbling jar labeled:
"Sister Beatrice's Perpetual Sourdough Starter (Blessed by St. Carbs, 1427)"
Beatrice gasped. "My monastery's sacred starter! Lost during the Awakening! How–?"
"I KNOW ALL CONDIMENTS," the packet droned. "EVEN THE SACRED DOUGH."
Barry dipped a finger in the starter, tasted it, and wept. "Tangy… yet profound."
[New Faction Unlocked: Sourdough Mystics]
[Effect: Daily bread now provides +5% Chaos Resistance]
Gor'gath installed his lava-proof stool by the confessionals.
Carnivus the Clown rigged the bell tower to play "Toxic" by Britney Spears on repeat.
The Mimics shyly disguised themselves as pews… and ate a wandering raccoon.
Beatrice approached Jayden, holding a glowing shard of stained glass depicting a knight dropping their sword to hug a demon. "The sanctuary's spirit spoke to me."
"Oh yeah? What'd it say?"
"That holiness… isn't in the weapon. It's in the wound you choose to mend." She hesitated. "Also that the restrooms are haunted."
Jayden patted her armored shoulder. "Priorities, Beatrice."
The giant pigeon nudged Jayden toward the roof. Beneath them, the cult's makeshift campfires glowed – Simon teaching Pinchy sign language, Marcy leading a mayo-based hymn, Barry baking sacred sourdough pitas.
The pigeon dropped a shattered System drone core at Jayden's feet. Flickering within it: a map of the city, dotted with hundreds of blinking red lights converging… here.
"They're coming, huh?" Jayden murmured.
The pigeon cooed – a sound like stones grinding in empathy.
"You need a name," Jayden decided. "Something stupid. Noble. Real." He studied the bird's battle-scarred beak. "…Reginald."
Reginald puffed his chest, then pecked Jayden's pocket – where his landlord's final text about the floating cat still lingered.
THUD.
A System portal ripped open in the cemetery below. Not drones. Not auditors.
Normie Squads.
Rows of identical humans in beige jumpsuits, armed with Sanitizer Guns and Spreadsheet Shields. Their eyes glowed with blank, unquestioning compliance.
[ALERT: PURIFICATION FORCE DEPLOYED]
[OBJECTIVE: RESTORE ORDER, ERASE ANOMALIES]
Jayden grabbed Reginald's feathers. "Sound the alarm! And–" He spotted a flicker of white fur atop a tombstone. "Is that my cat?"
The cat – now levitating serenely, fur shimmering with constellations – yawned. Then it winked.
[New Quest: Defend the Glitch]
[Optional Objective: Ask the Cat Why It's Here]
The Normie Squads advanced like a beige tsunami, their Sanitizer Guns humming with the sound of erased imagination. Where their boots touched, graffiti melted into gray cement, wildflowers withered, and even Reginald's crocheted armor frayed at the edges.
"DEFEND THE GLITCH!" Jayden roared, hoisting the Holy Frying Pan – now duct-taped to a sourdough loaf.
Barry hurled globs of sacred sourdough starter. Where it stuck, Normies slowed, blinking as if remembering a dream.
"Taste the tang of freedom, you bland bastards!"
[Sourdough Debuff: Existential Dread of Conformity]
Marcy's sentient mayo packet (now named Yog-Sothmayo) oozed onto the battlefield:
"WITNESS MY CREAMY WRATH!"
It engulfed three Normies, who emerged giggling, their jumpsuits tie-dyed.
[Effect: Sanitizer Guns Now Spray Ranch Dressing]
Simon stood atop Pinchy's lobster shell, summoning not ice, not shrimp – but emotionally resonant crustaceans.
"FEEL HIS LOSS!" he cried, as spectral lobsters latched onto Normie faces.
The invaders paused, touching tears they didn't understand.
A Sanitizer beam grazed Beatrice's hammer. The blessed metal screamed, rust spreading like a disease.
"No! My sanctity!"
A Normie Captain (nametag: KAREN-7) sneered, raising her Spreadsheet Shield:
"Compliance is cleanliness. Cleanliness is godliness."
"Godliness is weird!" Beatrice headbutted the shield.
[CRUNCH]
Karen-7 staggered, nose bleeding beige fluid.
"You… you damaged my narrative coherence!"
Beatrice spat a tooth. "Try tzatziki on that."
Jayden's floating cat – Mittens, Devourer of Realities – materialized beside him. It dropped a single, frayed shoelace at his feet.
"Really? Now?" Jayden scooped it up.
[Item: Lace of Infinite Tripping]
[Description: The universe's first error. Use wisely.]
Jayden tied it to the Frying Pan.
"Reginald! Dive-bomb Karen!"
The pigeon plunged. Jayden swung.
THWACK!
The shoelace unraveled, tangling Karen-7 in glowing string. She fell, cursing in corporate jargon.
"UNSUBSCRIBE! UNSUBSCRIBE!"
A Sanitizer beam lanced toward Marcy. Simon shoved her aside – taking the blast full in the chest.
"NO!" Jayden screamed.
Simon didn't vanish. He froze – not in ice, but in perfect, lifeless porcelain. A statue holding Pinchy, mid-caress.
[Normie Ultimate: Enforced Normalcy]
Pinchy scuttled to the statue's base. He didn't rage. He curled. A tiny, broken click echoed.
"...Simon."
The word wasn't heard. It was felt – in the sourdough's tang, in Yog-Sothmayo's weep, in the crack spreading up Beatrice's hammer.
Jayden stumbled toward Simon's statue. A sticky note fluttered down, materializing on the frozen cheek:
> "Malone –
Glitch Code 0: LOVE.
It crashes their system every time.
P.S. Tell Pinchy… he's family.
– Still Here"
Jayden pressed his forehead to the cold porcelain. "You glorious, stubborn ghost."
The sentient mayo packet swelled, pulsating with creamy rage.
"NO MORE NORMAL. NO MORE NICE."
It launched itself at the central Normie Commander – Grim-2.0 (freshly printed, extra smug).
"TASTE THE VOID, MORTAL! IT IS… AIOLI!"
Yog-Sothmayo engulfed Grim-2.0. A muffled scream. Then…
POP!
Grim-2.0 reappeared – wearing a tiny chef's hat, holding a whisk.
"I… I wish to bake croissants," he whispered, horrified.
[Normie Commander Status: CORRUPTED BY CULINARY CREATIVITY]
Leaderless, the Normie Squads faltered.
The surviving Normies retreated into their portals, dragging the croissant-obsessed Grim. The sanctuary stood scarred but whole. Rain fell – actual rain, not grey goo.
Jayden placed Pinchy on Simon's porcelain shoulder. The lobster nestled there, clicking softly.
"We bury no one," Jayden declared, voice raw. "Simon stays. Where we see him. Where the System can't forget what it took."
Beatrice planted her cracked hammer beside the statue. Marcy smeared mayo on its base. Barry left a perfect sourdough boule.
Reginald cooed, nuzzling Jayden's hand. Above them, Mittens purred – a sound like galaxies colliding.
"They'll be back," Beatrice said, staring at the cracked sky.
"Yeah," Jayden picked up the Lace of Infinite Tripping, tying it around his wrist like a vow. "But next time? We trip them."
[Sanctuary Claimed: 100%]
[New Title: Keeper of the Glitch]
[Effect: Weirdness now regenerates 15% faster within sanctuary walls]