i'm in the tomb. The tomb from Brașov. Everywhere, on the walls, on the stone in the middle, on the ground. Drops, points and splatters of blood, spread chaotically, spread in every direction. All lead to me. Close to me, i see rivers of blood trickling away from me. The rivers lead also to me. With my left hand i feel the cold breeze, i feel it sharper. my hand is warm, warmer than the right one.
It's full of blood. Under me, pinned down, was laying a man. Dead. Eyes open, looking at the ceiling. He was so still. Only the blood was gushing, now slowly, out of his neck. His neck was cut open. Wide and deep. And with a knife stabbed to the left of the cut, at the end of the wound. i killed him?
i killed him! i stabbed the knife into his neck and slashed. i know it. i feel it. i feel the pressure of the handle still imprinted on my left palm. i feel still the exact muscles used for the motion of dragging the knife from right to left. i did this. i killed him!
The eyes turn suddenly to me, the head rises and the lips move.
"i told you, you can be anything. Now you're a god! i made you a god! you reached the ultimate level!"
The man, he's not dead. He's not… i don't want this! i don't want…!
All goes dark. There's nothing anymore. Visually. Auditive. Olfactory. Tactile. Nothing. Not a taste, not a feeling, not even my own existence i can feel anymore.
"Can we talk?"
"Yes. I'm in control."
"Still can't understand how this works exactly, if You can give me a more in-depth explanation…"
"Simple. One body, two souls. To paint an image that you can understand. There can be only one soul in control for a period of time, until it decides to cede control or it is taken from."
"And You take control by force, as I understand."
"Yes, it's intrusive."
"And the boy can't take the control back the same way?"
"No. he doesn't even know about Me, about this thing, or if something is happening in these periods of time I'm in control. he sees and believes that nothing is changed."
"I understand. It is like in a dream in which you think that all you do is your own will, but for the most part you don't have control over yourself in a dream, but mostly the subconsciousness has, and when you accidentally get the control in a dream you realize this, and the fact that you haven't had it until then, and realize that you are in a dream and wake up instantly."
"Very similar, but subconsciousness can't take control, at least not of the body, and it would be so terrible if it could. But it can still do harm, and can take control of…"
A high-pitched sound shakes me from my senses. It's a TV sound, followed then by a static noise and then other noises that you usually meet in the auto repair shops.
"I will be the best monster I can be, Eddy!"
"I am sure you will, Ed. Now try this on."
"Wow. I feel transformed, guys."
The light comes into my eyes, i start to see, but through two circles, as if i'm looking through a pair of small glasses and can only get light through them. The exterior, outside the glasses that i'm looking through, i see a background image starting to turn reddish. A kind of brighter red. i feel like i'm watching from inside my brain. As if i'm sitting in my head, on an armchair, and ahead of me i have the interior of my head and in the middle the two circles, the two eyes that i can see through, the world outside my head. i see two kids, strange, they have abnormal shapes, abnormal colours. They start laughing at me. One of them is pointing their fingers at me.
"Hey, look! Ed's got a chin!"
The other boy, that is wearing a beanie, starts moving.
"I'll just go get a mirror, Ed. You look very convincing!"
The boy with the beanie leaves. It's only the bald kid left.
"You're a natural, Ed. You shoulda been born a monster."
i don't like this, i don't like the sensation that i have right now at all. i feel captive, immobile, dormant, and without the possibility to change it. Claustrophobic. It hurts me. i feel a constant agony, an agony that bites from me, an agony that transforms me. It hurts.
"Man, what's he doing, making a mirror?"
The roar. Deafening. It came from me this time. It was so loud and so close. Everything is shaking inside me. Black. A different black. Shiny. There's a reflection in the middle of this black, mine. It's me, i'm young. i look horrible. Dead, no, empty, in a coma. my mouth is moving but i can't hear what i'm saying.
"Very strange the cartoons these days. Where were we?"
"Safeties. We have to create some safeties that would get triggered when some conditions are met."
From me are coming all these black tainted words. my mouth moves perfectly synchronized with what i hear, but it can't be coming from me, i am not saying all this, i am not hearing this voice from inside either. i hear it muffled, coming from outside the cranial chamber i'm residing right now in.
"Interesting… And what these conditions, to trigger the safeties, would be?"
This voice is not coming from me at all, it seems familiar but i can't recognize it yet, i hear it distorted from here inside, muffled. In the reflection of the TV i see a movement. It's coming from the corner of the room, a man dressed in white clothes sitting at a desk. He was the one talking.
"Subconsciousness set in place its own safeties. We will counter with ours."
He's talking with, i can't see that well, but there's someone in front of him, on the other side of the desk. my image starts moving. No, it's actually the head, my whole body is moving. Everything stops. in front of me is the doctor, the psychiatrist from my childhood, he's talking with, Him. Looking straight at His face, His entity, and talking with Him. How…? Why is the doctor talking with Him?
"The first and most important one is hunger. Hunger and thirst. The more he advances, and the more he starts to remember, and put head to head these clear details with all the putrid noise, subconsciousness will cut hunger and thirst from the body, the need to hydrate and eat. The kid will be losing the sense…the survival instinct. he won't feel these needs at all, and even if he eats something, the body will throw it back out, instantly."
"Alright, come here."
All is shaking, my body's moving, the image is getting bigger and bigger, the doctor, Him, i'm getting closer. The body sits down on a chair near the desk. The doctor opens a drawer and takes an object from it, then comes to me. He sits down on his knee in front of me. The doctor looks, probably at Him.
"Now You have to give him back control."
"It has to be something simple and brief that would work on all ages."
The circles in front of me are gone suddenly and i'm propelled forward, close to the doctor and out of my skull. i see the whole image now, with my own eyes and not through them, i can even move them, i can move. i'm so scared, agitated, i want to cry. Tears start leaking out of my eyes, the mouth opens, i want to scream. i start sobbing. Pain. Fear. Dread. Weakness.
The doctor gets up from his knee and grabs the chair that i'm sitting on, he pushes it backwards and reclines it, but just by a little. Then he goes to the other chair and places it in front of me. All this time he doesn't pay a single penny for my attention. Then he takes a coin out of his pocket and holds it in front of me. Once hit by the silver shine of it i start calming down.
"Easy, easy, that's it. We are calmer. We are breathing slowly, we are safe. I am a doctor, my name is Celo Manus, but you can call me Manu. See this coin? It's your coin. It has magical powers and in the hands of the most courageous man, can execute any spells. Do you want this coin?"
i want it, it can help me. i reach out to grab the coin but the doctor still holds it.
"But, to be able to use the coin, you have to do what I say, you understand?"
i nod my head in sign of yes.
"Good, you have to hold the coin between your thumb and the other fingers."
The doctor helps me position the coin in my palm and raises my hand in front of me, arm fully extent.
"Perfect, you're close to do magic, now keep the coin face down, but keep the hand up here."
my hand is at the same level with my eyes. i see just half of the doctor's face, he has such calm eyes, peaceful. His gaze is calming me.
"Now you have just to keep the hand still, exactly in this position."
The doctor releases my hand but continues to look me into my eyes without blinking. i'm not blinking either.
"And focus on the coin. Look just at the coin, only at the coin. There is nothing else, but the coin."
i look at the edge of the coin. It's thin like on the normal coins, but this one feels so much bigger, so much heavier than any other coin.
"you feel your hand getting heavier and heavier, and even more heavier. The coin is pulling you down. Lower and lower. Don't be afraid, i'm here, i'll catch the coin and give it back to you. Let it pull you down. Let it be heavy. But don't let it fall."
The coin becomes unendurably heavy. my hand is shaking a little, and gets lower little by little, but i bring it back at the same level with my eyes instantly. But my hand keeps slipping down, no matter how hard i try, it keeps pulling me lower. And my eyelids are also shutting down, as if pulled by the coin. i feel it slipping between my fingers. How i'm holding it just by half of it. There's barely any light coming in between my eyelids. It falls. And with the coin, my hand falls also, in my lap. And with my hand my eyelids fall completely shut.
i'm here. Where i saw…
"Good. Now you're in a magical realm. you've been here before. you remember?"
"Yes. It's, dark."
"But you're not afraid."
"There's nothing around here, my feet are cold. It's just water, everywhere!"
"But you're courageous. There must be a source of light in there."
"No… But the water is, bright."
"So it's not that dark."
"No…"
"Don't forget, as long as you have the coin on you, you're protected."
i look at my right hand. The coin is in the middle of my palm. i close my fist and hold it tight to not lose it.
"Tell me, you have the coin with you right?"
"Yes, i'm holding it tight."
"Perfect. Keep this in mind, your coin is very magical. Nothing can happen with you as long as you hold the coin."
"Yes…"
Somewhere far, i think i see something moving. A shadow. Maybe a man.
"There's someone here!"
"Stay calm, you have the coin, don't forget."
The shadow moves indeed. It comes for me.
"i'm scared. It's coming to me. It's getting closer!"
"But you have the coin right?"
i open my fist, it's still there, it shines so bright.
"Yes…"
"Don't be afraid."
"It's getting closer. he's so close."
"Look at the coin."
i take my eyes off the shadow that continues to come for me.
"i feel him. i hear his steps. he's close."
"Do you see the coin?"
"Yes! It's here. he's here!"
In front of me, above my coin appear a pair of legs.
"he's here! i see him!"
"Look at the coin."
"i'm looking!"
"Do you hear this?"
What? i don't hear anything.
"The water. How it's moving. It's a waterfall. People. Do you hear them? How they move, how they talk."
i start hearing the waterfall, the people, so many steps and so many voices, and so many people, but nothing that i can understand. It's unintelligible this noise.
"Close your eyes."
i close them.
"Open them and tell the lady what you want to order."
i open my eyes. i'm in a restaurant. i don't see too many things. Everything is chaotic. The image is still dark and foggy. Objects and colours are missing. i see the waterfall, the people and the lady that was standing near me with a note in her hand.
"C'mon, order something to eat, you haven't eaten anything and you're starving. And don't forget, you have the coin, you can have anything you want."
i look in front of me and see the doctor on the other side of the table. i am hungry. i'm craving for…
"i'd like a big omelette with sausages, like Oma cooks it."
The lady takes the order on her notebook and then looks at the doctor.
"I just want a piece of paper and a pen."
The lady tears up a piece of paper and gives it to the doctor and then checks her pockets. Doesn't find anything so she gives her own pen to the doctor, she then leaves.
"Do i have to pay with the coin?"
"No, no, just hold it and it's enough to do anything you want."
i look at the coin. It's so beautiful. i close my fist back and hold it tight. To never lose it…
"It's very beautiful this…Japanese restaurant. The walls and the floor made of bamboo. All seems so rustic, but well kept… Don't you think?"
Instantly the restaurant starts having a form. The walls start coming from nowhere, the people are all of Asian ethnicity, the ceiling, the paper lamps, all the decor comes out of nowhere and keeps coming, exactly as the doctor was describing it.
"What is the name of the restaurant?"
"One. If you ever get here again, you must eat something. And no matter how many times you get here, you just hold onto your coin, and it will be all right. you'll be able to eat as many times as you want. Do you understand?"
His voice comes in echoes that shatter my mind and break my eardrums. All of it came into my ears piercing through everything towards the brain and into.
"Do you understand?"
"Yes, yes."
i'm so hungry. i can barely wait. my stomach is eating me from inside.
"When is the food coming?"
"It won't be long."
"i can't wait anymore, my tummy hurts."
"It's coming right now."
"Aaah!"
The pain is dizzying. i bend forward and try to hold my stomach in place. It's hard to even breathe.
"i'm so hungry!"
Everything around starts shaking, my whole body is trembling from the pain and with it, the whole restaurant.
"Do you still have the coin? Is it still in your hand?"
i look ahead, the doctor is gone, i can still hear him but he's not with me anymore.
"i don't know i can't look."
"Open your fist, check there."
i prop my forehead on the table and put my hand under so i can see it. i am still squeezing my fist hard. i am all tensed, if i relax, i feel that i'm going to get ripped from the middle.
"Open your fist."
"i can't!"
i feel a touch on my hand. i feel my fist trying to open itself, to loosen up. But i can't let it open. i can't open my hand. It's stuck.
"Loosen your fist. Relax."
"my tummy hurts!"
"Open your fist, you have your coin with you. It's there, in your hand. Nothing can hurt you as long as you have your coin. Look."
my fist starts opening up, forced by some external force, to my right, I see a pair of feet that stopped right next to me, dirty pants, dirty and full of holes shoes, it's…
"It's here! It's here!"
i keep trying to hold my hand close even tighter.
"Open your fist!"
"i can't!"
"But you can, you have to use your magic coin if you want to escape the pain."
i force my hand too, try to unclench it, and with the help of the doctor, i get it open finally.
"you see, the coin will protect…"
The palm is empty. There is no coin.
*
i'm in the tomb. It's dark inside. i look at my right palm, i don't have the coin, but i feel the pressure mark of the circle of the coin, as if i actually had it in my hand and held my fist tightly closed. This sensation of coin in my palm, where would it be if i just had it now…? But i don't have it. i look around me but there is no coin. There never was a coin was it? But the pressure on my palm…
i shake my head and look at the small window, the moon is not visible anymore through it. In my hand i have a knife, but blood nowhere. Under me, nothing again. i hear a high-pitched sound, a dog. i look around but i don't see it. i pull out my phone, it's on Airplane mode. i have 5% of battery left. i press on the torch to look around the tomb. i see a shape shaking. i lay the light on it. It's a stray dog. The dog looks at me scared, trembling and bent forward. i get closer to him but he squeals louder and goes backwards against the wall behind him. i think i scared him really bad.
i reach my hand forward and get even closer. The dog shows his teeth but still tries to back away even further from me. He's pinned to the wall. He's crying and trembling so hard. It's odd to see a dog crying. i feel terrible for what i did to him. i get even closer to the dog, i see him trying to scare me, opens his mouth and acts like he's going to bite me. But i can see in his eyes that he's too terrified of me.
i'm so close to him, my hand is above his head and i lower it slowly to not scare him. His eyes are unnaturally pointed upward, trying to see what is happening above him without moving his head. As i close my hand to his head, he keeps going lower until he gets his chin stuck to the floor. i put my hand on his head and caress him softly. He's shaking like hell. There's even a puddle coming from under him.
i keep petting him softly, and little by little he starts calming down, the shaking stops, he stops tearing up. He even lifts his chin off the floor and pushes his head into my hand softly. i look around and see the tomb door propped at the entrance, from the inside. It covers the exit perfectly. i leave the dog and go at the door. i pull it inwards, hardly as it is so heavy, and let the door fall. It hits the ground hard making a loud bang and filling the entire room with dust.
The dog jumps from the noise, but the instant the door is down he dashes towards it and out. i also get out of the tomb and see him running desperately between the graves, as further away as possible from me, until i can't see him anymore. i still see some head jumping up and down in the distance. i tortured him this bad? He didn't look injured but… At least i didn't stab him. i get back inside, the dust settled a little. i look around for blood, but there's none, then i look at the knife. It's not the broken dagger, it's just a big knife that you find at the kiosks on the side of the roads.
i drop the knife and toss it with my foot somewhere between some pieces of stone and bags and gardening tools. i go to the big stone in the middle and look at the tree that grew in it. i touch the hollow with my fingers, the red wood feels a little wet, as if…i look at my fingers, they're clean. No…i need to…
i get out of the tomb, try to put the door back but it's too heavy to even get it up. i leave it where it is and get away from the tomb. i look around me, it's very dark in here, i think i see only five light poles in this entire cemetery. i go under the closest one.
Fuck. i have to get to the train station. In fact…i look at the phone, 4%, 03:21. i turn off the Airplane mode and go search quickly on the internet to see what trains come at this hour. i have one in a few minutes, but i won't get there in time, and the next one is at 05:13. Suddenly a whole bunch of notifications start coming on my screen, lost calls, messages. Sarah, my parents, George, everybody called me. i don't know what to tell them. i have nothing to tell them.
i'm so…lost…
i open the GPS and search for something non-stop near me. i find a cafe two streets away from me. i put the phone back in Airplane mode and walk towards the exit. Fuck, i should tell them something. Let them know i'm alright at least, but…i'm not…
As i see the cemetery's gate, i see the little guard house and inside there's a TV light reflecting on the walls. i won't get out through there. i change my direction towards the side of the cemetery. i pass the tree where we played hide 'n seek and go to a wall. It has a crack in the middle, i lean lower to look through. i can see pretty well through this hole, on the other side of the wall seems to be a street, it's empty, it's late even for cars. All looks so familiar.
i take a few steps backwards and look at the wall, it's not that tall, it has nothing above it. i get close to it and place the tip of my shoe in the crack, it doesn't fit all in, but i got a grip. i push in my foot upwards and grab quickly the edge of the wall before falling on my back. The foot slips out and i hit it with my stomach.
i would've better hit my head or even my balls, than my stomach right now. Damn the pain is reverberating throughout my entire body, my stomach sending pulses of anguish everywhere. i grab the wall also with my other hand and get up on it. i pass a foot on the other side, turn with my back and pass the other, then i hang down and let go. i land softly as it wasn't that much of a drop. But i should've jumped this wall much faster and easier than i just did. The stomach is making me move like a zombie. The hunger. The emptiness…
On the other side of the street are only buildings. There's one building that catches my attention though and it doesn't let go. The building has at the ground floor, drawn on the wall, an old and huge graffiti, and many signatures, different messages of love and some curse words. i get closer to the entrance of the building, where the graffs are, and go in the garden. Here i see a square piece of cement block, and in the cement, a few holes, poles come out of some of these holes. Thick metal poles, short, high up to my hips mostly. The poles are cut and bent at the top, it seemed that they continued taller some time long ago.
In the empty space in the middle of the cement block, i imagine a metal table, long, and two metal benches on one side and the other of the table. They all fit above the holes and the marks left on the cement. The image i'm building in my head fits well with what i see now. From the corners of the benches rise up the metal bars continuing to a grilled metal roof, the roof is a little thinner. The grilled roof is camouflaged by the grapevine and its numerous leaves. You can barely even see the metal from the vegetation, especially as it is also painted green.
It's a beautiful place, it seems nice to stay here in the summer, at the shade of the vine, together with your friends, playing different card games and other stuff. i can imagine how nice the summers would be, to spend them here with my group of friends. i am visualizing all of it, perfectly, the kids playing at the table, climbing on the grilled roof or in the trees close by, the noise they make, the smell of leaves and cherries and other fruits. All is looking so real, as if it's happening right now. i see the bench, the kids, the sun rays that get through the vine leaves and the shadows of the leaves moved by the wind. All seems so pleasant, warm and bright but when i turn my head towards the sun, i see only the cold full moon and the dark sky, i turn it back to the bench. It's gone. Only the holes are left, the bent metal bars, and the lonely piece of cement.
i go to the building's entrance and look inside. The light inside is off, from what i can see, the building seems clean inside, newly renovated, it doesn't remind me of anything. i try the door, i can't open it. i look at the intercom, it seems to be some new device, it's too late to call now at a random apartment. i turn my back to the entrance and sit down on the step in front of it. To my left, in front of the little gate that leads to the garden i was just in, there's a hole, it's patched with a cement material of different colour than the one around the hole.