"I make sure to eat plenty of vegetables." I say despite not having lungs at the moment. I wonder how that's working? Eh, I'll chalk it up to the Jiongu. Speaking of the Jiongu, "Okay, now here we go! Let's see if this works!"
...
I clear my throat and blood spurts out of my neck. Both halves of my neck, the one on my body and the one on my head. That felt weird.
"Body! I command you to come fetch me! Rise, heed my words and come serve your master!"
My body which has four hearts in it, with the fifth being in my head to let me talk like this, is basically a Jiongu monster. But it's limited to my body's size and shape, it shouldn't have a problem doing exactly what I want.
With the ease of tearing through paper my body breaks out of the earthy bonds.
"WHAT?" Leiko yells while jumping away from it. "You could have broken out the entire time?"
"Yes?" I weakly offer. "It's just I had such high hopes for-"
"If you mention a whip or candles I will stab you right now." Sasuke says from the sidelines. "I don't care if we're from the same village. I will stab you."
"Well shit. That's exactly what I was going to say. Ruin all my fun why don't you." I turn my eyes to my body, it should have been here by now.
"What the hell are you doing?" It's walking around with it's arms held in front of it, almost like a person who has been tossed in a pitch black room feeling their way around. "I'm over here you idiot! NO! Not that way! No that's a rock! Don't put that on our neck! We have no idea where that's been!"
"What the fuck does Otogakure do to it's shinobi?" Someone from the stands asks, but due to the quiet nature of the crowd it's heard by everyone. Honestly it didn't need to be said, everyone was already thinking it.
"No! No! That's Red! Don't go towards him! We don't want his ugly mug on our beautiful body! I'm over here you dumbass! Follow the sound of my voice! It's not that hard – oh wait I have the ears. It can't hear me. Shit. Uh... Leiko darling? Could you be a doll and punt me over to my body?"
SMACK
"Thank you!" I shout as I fly through the air and smack into my body. "Ouch! There now just pick me up and oh thank Kami I'm back in one piece again! Man I really need to stop losing my head! Okay that was bad even by my standards. Just ignore that one."
I turn to face Leiko who is very very very green in the face. Oh so that's why she was quiet for a bit.
"So you've had your fun at my expense. I gave you three chances to try and defeat me. The cloud, the kunai, and the beheading." I drop the playful attitude and don something more sinister. "Now it's my turn to play with you."
"Summoning Jutsu!" I slam my hand to the ground. Shirokumo poofs in inside of a cloud of smoke. "Shirokumo, my most loyal minion! Today we do glorious battle together! Behold, our opponent stands before us. But we will not run away in fear, we will not run in terror! No, we will face her down and we will win! Today this battle will go down in history! We will be remembered until the end of time itself! Those who look back on this day will shake in terror and know our wrath!"
"What the hell kind of drugs are you on kid?" Shirokumo asks me, being 100% serious.
"... None." I droop my head in shame. "I'm just so BORED! I thought the exams would be a challenge but the only people here that can beat me are Red and Gaara but I don't even get to fight one of them and the other is just going to beat me in like five seconds flat! So sorry if I'm trying to have a little fun before my utter and humiliating defeat!"
"No not that you imbecile!" Shirokumo scurries up my body to rest on my head. There's a few screams from the crowd at his actions. Funny, they didn't scream when I was decapitated. "You didn't summon my partner! Bring me Arachne and all those who stand against us will know unsurpassed fear! Muahahaha!"
"They both aren't taking this seriously at all." Sasuke groans to himself. "Not even a little bit."
"With pleasure!" I fly through the required hand seals and slam my hand to the ground. "Summoning Jutsu!"
POOF
The largest smoke cloud I've ever seen associated with my summons appears before me. One brown hairy spiders leg steps out of the cloud. "Summoner, you called?"
The rest of Arachne is soon to follow. Her large brown spindly body, the rest of her hairy legs and her vibrant yellow markings all make themselves known.
"Yes." I rise up to my full height. "Today we go to glorious battle-"
"I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER!" Leiko shouts instantly after laying eyes on the horse sized spider. "I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER!" She's repeating it like a mantra, like it will save her from Arachne. "I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER! I SURRENDER!"
"Holy crap girl we get it." Shirokumo says with an unamused tone. "I don't know whether to be glad or pissed she didn't have that reaction to me."
"And another stunning victory goes to Arachne, Mother of the Spiders! And the crowd goes wild!" I shout.
Silence follows my crazed declaration.
I turn to the crowd. "I said. And the crowd goes wild."
One person immediately rises to their feet. He's clapping and cheering like a madman, and well he is one. Hidan is losing his shit over my performance and next to him Kakuzu looks highly amused.
Then the sound of another clapping is heard, Kakashi is joining in. He even has a little eye smile going for me an everything.
Just like a domino effect the rest of the crowd joins in. Out of fear or social conditioning I don't really know. Or care, applause is applause.
"I didn't expect that to work." I say to my summons. "Well, wonderful job as usual you two."
"I try." Shirokumo says from atop my head.
"I... didn't do anything though?" Arachne says uncertainly."Is this normal for the Human Realm?"
"Pretty much. I'll fill you in more back at the Nest." Shirokumo says and poofs off my head.
"Summoner, you need to visit sometime. It's nice to see you." Arachne follows soon after.
"Well then!" I clap my hands and turn to the viewing Kages. "I think I just won the Chunin Exams-"
SHINK
My head separates from my shoulders and Sasuke grabs me by the hair. "Oh fuck me that's right you're still here."
"I am." I can feel the grin under his mask. "Surrender or I throw you into a lake."
"Why is it always water used to punish me? You people need to get more creative." I grumble. "Yeah yeah just put me back first. I know this song and dance."
He plonks me back onto my body.
I heave out a heavy sigh, "Proctor, due to not wanting my severed head to end up in a large body of water I surrender."
"Then... Red wins... the Chunin Exams?" Eito brokenly says. "Did that shit just fucking happen or am I crazy?"
...
Half a Hour Later, Orochimaru's Hotel
"Alvarcus I think you're insane." Sasuke instantly says the second the door swings shut behind us.
"Hm? What do you mean?" I ask in confusion.
"The whole thing! What the hell was all of that?" He rounds on me.
"Oh you mean the whole 'I might have a domination and submission fetish' thing?"
"Yes!" He throws his hands up in exasperation. "That!"
"Well I admit I may haven taken it a little too far-"
"A little?!"
"-but it worked out brilliantly! Did you see Leiko's face at the end of it? Oh man that was great! Ah, good times."
"How do you even think of things like that? Where do those crazy ideas come from?"
I grin happily. "Sasuke, are you sure you want the answer to that question? Because I would happily tell you all that I know. Fair warning, there are some really freaky things bouncing around in my head, and this is coming from the guy who weaponized a tentacle monster. You of all people know what I do and say, just imagine the things I decide to filter out."
"Forget I said anything." Sasuke rushes to say while taking a half step back. "Nope. Don't want to know. No thank you. I like my sanity."
"Please, I'm not actually insane." I scoff to him.
"Oh really?" A distinctively snake like voice says from deeper into the hotel. "Because I just watched you let someone cut off your head. If that's not insanity then what is?"
How about making a jutsu specifically to move your soul to another's body and take over it forcibly just to prolong your life so you have more time to learn every jutsu known to mankind? Or perverting your own soul so much that you're incapable of using nature chakra, something that should be inherently accessible to everyone? Or sealing away small portions of your soul into others? Or sacrificing a fetus just to see what will happen?
I could go on, I really could but I don't feel like writing a novel.
"I'm totally blaming you for some of that." I accuse Orochimaru. "I mean come on! One of the major parts of my training has been learning to ignore pain. I swear that I'm becoming a masochist. Besides, it isn't like I'll let that happen in a real fight. I just really wanted to piss Leiko off, to show her that even her best can't beat me and that I view her as such an insignificant threat that I didn't once take her seriously."
"Yet never once have you let me remove your head." Orochimaru raises a good point.
"Well no shit. I can't afford to not be serious when we train or I'll lose more than a head. Our skill levels are leagues apart, just like how Leiko's and mine are. But with her I'm the superior one. It's kind of like how you toyed with us in the Forest of Death, the gaps in power are so big that you could let us throw our best at you without a care in the world."
"I suppose you have a logical argument there and I do admit it was interesting to watch her break. I don't think she'll ever be the same after the past few days." Orochimaru smiles to himself. "Although I wonder where you learned about whips and candles. Care to explain?"
Knock Knock
Oh thank Kami, whoever just knocked has my eternal gratitude. I don't know how I'd explain that to Orochimaru nor do I ever want to.
...
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