Chapter 9: The Tsuchikage's Terrible, Horrible, No-Good Day
Chaos in the Office
The Tsuchikage's office in Iwagakure was a fortress of stone and stern tradition, its walls lined with scrolls and the faint hum of authority. Ohnoki, the wizened Third Tsuchikage, sat hunched over his desk, scribbling orders with a scowl etched deeper than the village's quarries. Beside him stood his son, Kitsuchi.
The air shifted. A yellow-and-red blur streaked through the room, a whirlwind of crackling energy that sent papers flying and toppled an ink pot onto Ohnoki's lap. The old man jolted upright, his back creaking like an ancient bridge.
"What in the blasted?!" Ohnoki barked, his voice a gravelly roar.
The Anbu sprang into action, blades drawn, chakra flaring. Kitsuchi's fists clenched, earth chakra rumbling beneath his feet. "Reveal your intruder!" he bellowed, scanning the chaos.
The blur circled once, twice, then stopped. For a split second, Ohnoki's chair was empty. The Tsuchikage, the stubborn rock of Iwa, was gone. So was the blur.
The Anbu froze, masks tilting in confusion. Kitsuchi's jaw dropped. "Father?!"
"Where'd the old man go?!" one Anbu hissed, spinning in place.
"Find him, you fools!" Kitsuchi roared, slamming a fist into the desk. It cracked under the force, sending splinters flying. "Search the village, now!"
Panic erupted asTLS the Anbu bolted out, leaving Kitsuchi to mutter curses about "damn speedsters" and "useless guards." Somewhere, a distant explosion echoed, probably unrelated, but it didn't help the mood.
Unknown Location
Ohnoki felt like he'd been tossed into a blender set to "puree." His stomach churned, his vision swam, and his ancient bones groaned in protest. One moment he'd been in his office, the next, nothing. Just a rush of wind and a vague sense of being yeeted across space.
As the dizziness faded, he blinked, squinting against a flickering light. He was in a cave, jagged walls, damp air, and the faint drip of water somewhere deep within. His chair had come with him, somehow, though it now teetered on uneven stone. He gripped the armrests, steadying himself, and looked up.
There, leaning against a wall with a grin wide enough to shame the sun, stood Naruto. His yellow Reverse-Flash suit hugged his frame, red lightning patterns glowing faintly. His black mask was off, revealing a sharp chin and a mouth curled in smug delight.
"Well, well, well," Naruto drawled, crossing his arms. "Look who's awake! Morning, Grandpa Rock!"
Ohnoki's scowl could've melted steel. "Who the hell are you, you insolent brat? And where am I?"
Naruto pushed off the stalagmite, sauntering closer. "Oh, where are my manners? Thawne, Eobard Thawne, The Reverse-Flash, biggest Flash fan and hater this side of the elemental nations. Super genius, mildly psychotic, charming as hell, and, let's be real, way too good-looking for this dump." He gestured at the cave with a theatrical flourish. "Welcome to my temporary troll cave, by the way. Five stars on Yelp."
Ohnoki's eye twitched, his voice a low growl. "What kind of nonsense are you spouting? What the hell do you want with me, you yellow-clad lunatic?"
Naruto plopped onto a rock, kicking his legs up like he owned the place. "Oh, relax, old man. I'm not here to kill you, yet. I'm just here to mess with you. See, I've got this thing, family issues, you know? Daddy didn't hug me enough, village treated me like trash, blah blah blah. So now I'm a hater. A professional troll. And you, my dusty friend, are my latest project."
Ohnoki's fists clenched, dust particles swirling around him as his temper flared. "You think you can toy with me, the Tsuchikage? I've crushed bigger pests than you under my heel!"
Naruto smirked, unfazed. "Sure you have, fossil. But here's the kicker: those Akatsuki goons you hired? The puppet creep and the blond art nerd? Yeah, I ran circles around them, literally. Smashed their clay dragon, broke their toys, left 'em eating dirt. They won't be finishing your little 'example' job today. Or tomorrow. Or ever, if I'm feeling extra petty."
Ohnoki's scowl deepened, his wrinkled face a کالmap of fury. "You meddling little, do you have any idea what you've done? That village needs to be dealt with!"
"Dealt with?" Naruto snorted, hopping to his feet. "What, you mean your whole 'wipe 'em out to flex' plan? Real classy, Grandpa. Tell you what, why don't you try dealing with me first?"
Ohnoki leaned forward, his voice sharp as a kunai. "You've got some nerve, brat. How'd you even get past my guards? And what's with that ridiculous outfit?"
Naruto struck a pose, hands on hips. "This? Oh, this is peak fashion, speedster chic. As for your guards, let's just say they're still chasing their own shadows. I'm fast, old man. Faster than you can blink, faster than you can wheeze out a jutsu. I'm basically untouchable."
Ohnoki snorted, unimpressed. "Untouchable, huh? I've heard that before, usually right before I turn fools into gravel. What's your game here? You some kind of mercenary? A spy?"
"Nah," Naruto said, waving a hand. "I'm just a guy who loves chaos. See, I've got this whole vibe going, torment the big shots, ruin their plans, make 'em cry into their sake. You're just the latest on my hit list. Plus, I heard you're older than dirt, so I figured you'd be slow enough for me to practice on."
Ohnoki's chakra flared, a faint hum of Dust Release prickling the air. "You think I'm slow? I've fought legends, Hashirama, Madara, and I'm still standing. You're nothing but a loudmouth with a death wish!"
Naruto laughed, a sharp, barking sound that echoed off the cave walls. "Legends? Oh, please. Hashirama'd use you as a footstool, and Madara'd sneeze you into next week. Me? I'm the guy who's gonna make you wish you'd retired fifty years ago."
Ohnoki's glare could've bored holes through stone. "Why me, you little pest? What did I ever do to you?"
Naruto shrugged, pacing now, his red lightning crackling faintly. "Oh, it's not personal, well, not yet. I just heard you're a grumpy old coot who likes throwing his weight around. Hiring the Akatsuki to trash a village? That's low, even for a geezer like you. So I thought, 'Hey, why not crash the party?'"
Ohnoki slammed a fist on his chair arm, cracking it. "You've got no right to judge me, boy! I protect my village, my people! You're just a nuisance with too much time on your hands!"
"Protect?" Naruto smirked, leaning in close. "Funny way of showing it, sending murder clowns to do your dirty work. But don't worry, I'm here to keep things interesting. Consider me your new personal headache."
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Escalating the Troll Game
Naruto zipped around the cave in a blur, reappearing with a rusty old bucket he'd found in a corner. He plopped it upside-down and sat on it like a throne. "So, here's the deal, Ohnoki. I could've dropped you in a volcano or something dramatic, but I'm feeling generous today. Instead, we're gonna have a little chat, maybe play a game. How's your trivia? Bet I know more about rocks than you do."
Ohnoki's voice dripped with venom. "You're a fool if you think I'll play along with your idiocy. Release me, or I'll reduce you to ash!"
Naruto wagged a finger. "Tsk, tsk. Threats already? We're just getting started! Tell you what, let's make a bet. If you can hit me even once, I'll let you go. If not, I get to keep you as my grumpy mascot for a week. Deal?"
Ohnoki's eyes narrowed to slits. "You're insane."
"Probably!" Naruto chirped, hopping up. "But I'm also bored, and you're the most entertaining fossil I've met all day. Oh, and by the way, your office? Total mess now. Ink everywhere, papers flying. Kitsuchi's probably having a meltdown. You're welcome."
Ohnoki growled, his patience fraying. "You've got no respect, no honor, nothing! What kind of shinobi are you?"
"Shinobi?" Naruto tilted his head, grinning. "Oh, I'm not one of those. I'm a speedster, a hater with a hobby. And right now, my hobby's you."
He zipped behind Ohnoki, ruffling his hair, yes, the Tsuchikage's sparse, gray strands, before darting back. "Man, you need a comb. Or a wig. I could get you one, yellow, to match me!"
Ohnoki swatted at the air, furious. "Keep your filthy hands off me, you disrespectful whelp!"
Naruto cackled, doubling over. "Oh, this is too good! You're like a grumpy cat, hiss all you want, but you're stuck with me!"
___
Ohnoki's scowl faltered, replaced by a flicker of unease. "You're meddling in things you don't understand, boy. The Akatsuki aren't to be trifled with."
"Trifled with?" Naruto snorted. "I just turned their dragon into confetti and their puppet into a punching bag. They're not the problem, you are. I mean, who hires those weirdos and thinks it'll end well? You're practically begging for a mess."
Ohnoki straightened, his voice icy. "I do what's necessary. You wouldn't understand duty if it hit you in the face."
Naruto smirked, tapping his chin. "Duty, huh? Funny, I thought duty was keeping your village safe, not outsourcing genocide. But what do I know? I'm just a 'brat' with a grudge and a really fast pair of legs."
The cave fell silent, save for the drip of water and Ohnoki's heavy breathing. Naruto paced again, his grin returning. "So, here's the plan, old man. I'm gonna keep you here a bit, maybe teach you some manners. Then I'll figure out how to make your life even more miserable. Sound good?"
Ohnoki's hands glowed faintly with Dust Release, his patience officially gone. "You'll regret this, you arrogant little..."
Naruto cut him off with a laugh. "Regret? Nah. This is the most fun I've had all week. Buckle up, Grandpa, we're just getting started."
The cave seemed to shrink under the weight of their clashing wills, a storm brewing on the horizon. Naruto's game was far from over, and Ohnoki was in for a wild ride.