On the way to Aldi's, I texted Tish, letting her know to cancel a previously scheduled lunch date. Tish was my only girlfriend. I liked my circle tight, but somehow she and Chloe had wormed their way in. It helped that her baby daddy was the head of my security detail. He was a shadow I usually forgot about. Tish on the other hand was not quiet one bit and when I first met her she thought we were fucking. Soon she was showing up at the house for coffee, a couple of times she even brought the kids. She talked a mile a minute while I pretended to listen, but after a while, I would talk back. The next thing I knew, we were having girl nights and hitting the club together.
Tish wasn't affiliated with any gangs, and I could have fun with her. When she replied 'Okay,' I asked her if she wanted to hit up The Lab later. Chloe cranked up the radio, a new Kendrick Lamar song. I listened to her rap every word. While sitting at the longest red light in the city, I glanced her way and caught her eyeing my pistol. I looked down at it and then at her again.
I understood the fascination. They were pretty, shiny, and deadly. Around here, they were a way of life, and since Missouri was an open-carry state, everybody had one, or in my case, two. I felt naked without mine. That had a lot to do with the years of needing one. I refused to be caught lacking.
Without saying a word, I took it from my holster closest to her and put it in a hidden compartment in my door. We continued to ride in silence, the music blasting through the tension. Knowing she was biting her tongue, I turned down the music and asked her what she wanted to say.
She shrugged her shoulders as I pulled away from the light. "Will you teach me to shoot?"
My first instinct was to reply no. It wasn't my place. She was no one to me, but she was under my protection. The question brought to mind simpler times. Learning to shoot with my uncles. I took a deep breath as I thought about Todo. I hadn't been to a gun range since the day he died. I missed the fuck out of him.
It wasn't a bad idea, I knew kids who learned to shoot at twelve, and she was almost sixteen. Humoring her, I asked, "What?"
"I want to learn to protect myself." She replied, smiling. "I don't want to be afraid anymore."
I hollowed out my cheek and continued to drive. I knew what she meant. Her mama was a hoe, and the men who she turned tricks for sometimes got it in their minds that Chloe was on the menu as well. Twice she had called me scared and I had come both times. I wanted her to keep calling me for shit like that. I didn't want her to have to take a life, and if she had a gun, I had no doubt she would use it.
There were things I would never tell a soul. Like the night terrors that wouldn't let up or the fear I felt every time I went somewhere new. I had trust issues, and I never had time for new friends. Everyone in my circle had been around for years and that's how I liked it. I worried every day and feared that any moment could be my last. The truth was I was nice when I could be, but when I was bad...well that was never nice.
"If shit goes down you call me Chloe, you already know that. I will always come for you. I got you. "
"But what if you can't?" She asked.
"Then I will send someone else."
"Right," she replied slowly.
"Look." I began. "You take your ass to school. Bring me some good grades and I'll teach you to shoot. Get your education right. Once you learn to handle a pistol, I'll get you one."
Now she was beaming."For real?"
"Yes, I will," I promised, because she has a point. Just in case something happened to me. "I carry this to protect myself. I will use it if I need to, to defend myself or others I care about, and I never use it unless I have to. You have to promise to do the same."
Chloe huffed and nodded her head. I opened my door and headed toward the entrance. Chloe followed at a slower pace. I was looking for a quarter for the cart when one appeared from my left. Without thinking, I grasped the wrist of the body the quarter belonged to and applied pressure.
Spinning, I looked into the most tormented eyes I had ever seen. They belonged to a man of small stature. His grey hair was combed neatly behind his ears. He looked to be about fifty years old, Caucasian, and impeccably dressed. I released him, and his expression didn't change, which meant I hadn't caused that haunting stare.
"I was simply paying it forward." He said with an accent I couldn't place.
"Thanks," Chloe replied for me and grabbed the quarter."Nice Reflexes, Anna."
I barely heard her as I stared the old dude down. He was out of place, and yet I got so close to me. I may be tripping, but my hackles still rose. I watched as he retreated. I watched him walk down the street and hit the corner. I frowned as I watched him walk away.
"Anna?" Chloe asked, clearly concerned. "Do you know him?"
"No," I replied. I turned to the entrance to see a woman I knew from the block. She was hanging up a missing poster of a child I knew was her granddaughter. I didn't know them like that, but it made me pause. How had I not heard about a girl who lived on my mama's street, missing?
During our shopping trip, the man kept coming to mind as well as the poster. Chloe talked animatedly as she picked out her favorite things. I listened with one ear and replied when I should. The missing girl bothered me, but not as much as the dude bothered me. He was dressed down like a mobster. He walked away from a grocery store...with not one bag. Dressed down with no car.
*****
I called Terrence and let him know what I was doing. He agreed to meet us there and help take in her groceries. So I wasn't surprised to pull up and see his SS Monte Carlo outside and him lounging in the front seat as if he didn't have a care in the world.
The poster came to mind again as I came face to face with a community board next to her building. It was meant for lost animals, stolen items, advertising goods, free stuff, and missing persons. It had all of that, but what caught my attention were the missing person posters. There were way too many. Over a dozen all within the last month.
"Did you max out your credit card on groceries?" Terrance said, catching my attention. I turned in time to see him opening the trunk.
Chloe laughed and gave him a brotherly hug before replying, "She paid cash."
"She tried to break my pockets," I said, grabbing a few bags. I shook out my unease as they joined in and we started to make our way to the second floor of her building. Chloe fumbled with the keys at the door, her hands shaky and unsure.
"Is your mom home?" I asked as I took her keys and proceeded to open the door.
I walked in before she could answer and got the information I needed. Her mother was stretched out on the couch. She was naked except for panties and a bra. Her wig was twisted and falling off and lay at an odd angle. It was just after noon, and two empty bottles of vodka lay at her feet. The table was covered in a powdery substance that I didn't have to guess about.
Sometimes the reality of the life I lived haunted me. While I no longer sold drugs, not too long ago, it was a way of life for me. When I first met Chloe, I thought I was trying to atone for my part in the poison that was killing her mom. She didn't know it, but she was part of the reason I had quit. Seldom had I thought of the families that were being destroyed by the product. Until Chloe. Whenever I saw her, she reminded me. It was times like this one that I felt like a real monster.
Terrance cleared his throat and moved into the apartment as if he didn't see a thing. I turned to Chloe, and she quickly turned away. This wasn't the first time I had been to her place. The place was clean and well-kept. Mostly by Chloe, the only eyesore was her mother.
"Chloe, are you okay?"
She averted her eyes and nodded her head. "I just wish that I could walk in here and see something different."
"I can make sure no one serves her," I said, the guilt hitting hard. While I didn't push drugs, a few of the guys still did, and I had their ear.
"Believe it or not, it's better this way."
Chloe walked away, and I was left to imagine what that meant. Was her mother worse sober? Did she hurt her? I watched the woman slumped on the couch for a second more before turning away as well.