I woke up and stared at the ceiling for a while before moving.
Another school day.
On my desk, Onii‑chan's note was still there. I hadn't moved it since the day he left.
The paper had started to curl at the edges, like it was getting tired of being remembered.
Maybe I really am stupid.
I tried to message him again last night.
Just once.
Are you okay?
The message didn't go through.
Blocked.
I held my phone for a long time after that, not knowing what I was supposed to feel.
Do I…
Do we deserve this, Onii‑chan?
I got dressed slowly, brushed my teeth, tied my hair like always. Everything felt normal, and that somehow made it worse.
Before going downstairs, I stopped in front of his room.
The door was closed.
It wasn't locked.
It never was.
But none of us touched it anymore.
It felt like stepping inside would mean admitting something I wasn't ready to understand.
So I just stood there for a moment, staring at the door, pretending it was just another morning.
Then I turned away and went downstairs.
I found Mom in the kitchen, the clatter of utensils and the sound of eggs frying filling the room.
"Good morning, Kaede," she said.
Her voice was the same as always.
But her eyes weren't.
They looked tired. Not sleepy, but... existentially tired. Heavier.
"Good morning, Mom," I replied, my voice tight.
For a few seconds, neither of us said anything.
Nothing really changed.
Not on the surface, at least.
Onii‑chan barely talked to us even before he left. He stayed in his room, came home late, ate quietly, disappeared again.
We've already gotten used to the silence.
So why…?
Why did it hurt so much now that he was actually gone?
The pan hissed. The clock on the wall ticked.
Morning went on like nothing had happened.
But it felt like something important was erased.
And no one knew how to talk about it.
I finished breakfast in silence, picking at my eggs while Mom moved around the kitchen, trying to act normal. She didn't ask about the note. I didn't mention it.
The clatter of dishes and the hum of the fridge filled the empty spaces between us.
Eventually, I grabbed my bag and headed for the door.
Outside, the air was colder than I expected. I zipped my jacket up to my chin and started walking to school, the streets quiet, almost too quiet.
Every step made me think of Onii‑chan: how he used to walk beside me, complain about my pace, tease me about my sneakers.
Now, there was nothing.
I passed the corner store where he sometimes stopped for a snack. The door jingled as someone went in, and for a second, I half-expected him to be there, looking at me like nothing had changed.
But he wasn't.
The walk felt longer than usual, though it was the same as every other day. My bag bounced against my shoulder with every step, a dull rhythm that matched the heaviness in my chest.
School loomed ahead, students spilling out from the gates. I slowed, tried to blend in, tried to be invisible.
Because for some reason, I didn't want anyone to notice how much I was falling apart inside.
In class, I could hear my friends whispering as I walked past.
"Kaede-chan's been looking really down lately…" Miki‑chan murmured, glancing at me from across the hall.
"Yeah… must be about her brother. Maybe he did something again," Yui‑chan added, her voice low.
"Ugh… that delinquent. Always putting Kaede-chan through so much pain," Airi‑chan said, shaking her head.
I kept walking, pretending not to hear, but the words stuck anyway.
I wonder… who's really hurting more? Me, or Onii‑chan?
I forced my shoulders to relax and turned toward them, trying to look normal.
"Good morning," I said, voice a little tight but steady.
"Kaede‑chan!" Miki‑chan called, smiling faintly. "Hey!"
"Morning," Yui‑chan said, giving me a small wave.
Airi‑chan nudged me with her elbow. "So, did you hear SIX STAR's new single? It's… kinda fire."
Yui‑chan jumped in before I could answer.
"Yeah, and Ai‑chan totally threw a shot at that Forsaken rapper who dissed her. Did you see it?"
I nodded, trying to follow their conversation, letting my mind latch onto something simple and loud instead of the hole inside me.
I love SIX STAR. And Ai-chan? She's my absolute favorite. Ku-chan's cute and all, but Ai-chan… she's the best, no contest.
Wait—what do you mean, a rapper dissed her? What happened there?
"Who dissed Ai-chan?" I asked, my voice quieter than I intended. I could feel my pulse in my throat.
The girls immediately turned toward me, like I'd just revealed I'd been living under a rock.
"Oh, you don't know?" Airi said, eyebrows raised, half-laughing.
Yui elbowed her. "Give her a sec, she's been MIA lately."
I swallowed. "I… I haven't kept up. What happened?"
Airi pulled out her phone and grinned. "Okay, so, Forsaken—he's this rapper—he dropped a diss track against Ai-chan. Literally, all over social media. People are losing it."
Yui leaned in, shaking her head. "And get this—he even roped in Lil V€xxx for the collab. Total clout grab. The lines are… ugh, so bad. Ai-chan literally roasted him back in her livestream. Made him look like a total joke."
I tried to nod along, pretending to care about the drama like they did, but my ears… my brain… something in the rhythm, in the way the voice carried, tugged at the edges of my memory.
Airi hit play. The beat dropped, and the voice came through. Sharp, sneering, confident—but under it, there was a subtle crack, a hesitation that was strangely familiar.
I blinked. Wait… that voice…
The girls kept laughing at the lyrics, mocking the lines, quoting them like it was comedy gold. "Ai-chan is savage. Forsaken's a joke."
I barely heard them. Every sneer, every pause in the rap, made something coil in my stomach.
And then it clicked.
I froze, staring at the screen. The sneer, the breath, the slight crack in the voice—it was him. Onii-chan.
Wait. Wait. So... Onii-chan was here, in this world, rapping under a fake name, dissing Ai-chan, one of my favorite idols?
I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to laugh.
Instead, I just sat there, frozen, trying to make sense of it all.
When I got home, I opened Forsaken's channel.
I didn't know what I was looking for.
Proof, maybe. Or denial.
I scrolled through his old songs.
Videos with barely a thousand views. Some with even less.
Most of them uploaded after that happened.
My finger hesitated for a second.
Then I tapped one.
The moment his voice came through the speakers, my body went still.
"I've been dead since my sister saved my life,
She did it out of guilt, yeah, she did it out of spite.
Cause she knows that I am right,
Yet she won't apologize.
If she hates me so much, why won't she let me die?
I know I'm not alright, I know my life's a lie,
But I keep going anyway, no one cares, I'm fine"
My stomach twisted.
My fingers clenched around my phone.
Onii-chan… you idiot!
Why don't you understand me?
Why won't you see it?
I didn't push that chair because I hated you.
I did it because I love you.
And no matter what you think… that will never change.
No matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise.
Some time passed.
Then I saw it.
SIX STAR — Ai handshake event, Matsumoto.
For a second, I thought it was fate being cruel on purpose.
I bought a ticket without thinking.
Part of me was just excited.
Ai-chan was my favorite idol. Seeing her in person felt unreal.
But another part of me…
was looking for answers.
The venue was crowded, bright, noisy.
Girls my age lined up with merch bags, photocards, lightsticks.
Everyone was smiling, laughing, squealing whenever someone mentioned Ai-chan's name.
I held my ticket too tightly.
When it was finally my turn, I stepped forward.
Ai-chan was sitting behind a small table, her hands folded neatly, her smile soft and warm. Up close, she looked smaller than on screen.
More human.
"Thank you for coming today," she said gently.
My brain stopped working.
"I—I love SIX STAR," I blurted out too fast. "And… I love you, Ai-chan."
She laughed softly. "Thank you. That makes me really happy.
She took my album and signed it carefully, her pen moving with practiced elegance.
"For Kaede," she wrote.
My name looked strange in her handwriting.
When she handed it back, our fingers brushed.
For a moment, I forgot everything else.
Later, after the event ended, I wandered outside the venue instead of going home.
The air was colder than I expected.
I didn't even know what I was waiting for.
Maybe nothing.
Maybe something impossible.
Then I saw her.
Ai-chan stood near the side entrance, her mask pulled down slightly, talking with a staff member.
When she noticed me lingering awkwardly nearby, she tilted her head.
"…Did you get home safely?" she asked.
My heart jumped.
"Yes. I mean— I was just…"
I didn't know how to finish the sentence.
She smiled, softer than on stage.
"You're Kaede, right?"
I nodded.
For a second, I hesitated.
Then the words slipped out before I could stop them.
"Um… Ai-chan… can I ask something?"
Her expression didn't change. "Of course."
"It's about… Forsaken."
The name felt heavy in my mouth.
Ai-chan blinked once.
"Oh," she said quietly.
I waited.
She looked away for a moment, as if searching for the right words.
"…That situation was partly my fault," she admitted.
I froze.
"I said some things about his music online," she continued. "I thought I was being honest, but I was too harsh. I didn't think it would hurt him that much."
Her voice wasn't defensive.
Just tired.
"But we talked after that," she added. "It's fine now. We made up."
Made up.
The words felt unreal.
"So… he's not a bad person?" I asked without meaning to.
Ai-chan smiled faintly.
"I don't think so," she said. "He's just… someone who got hurt."
The wind brushed past us.
Then she looked at me more closely.
"…Kaede-chan," she said softly, "what's your name again?"
I swallowed.
"Shiba," I answered. "Shiba Kaede."
Her eyes widened just a little.
Not enough for anyone else to notice.
But enough for me to see.