Arrival at the Holy Land (of Headaches)
The Sanctuary of Eternal Maidens sat upon a serene hill, bathed in dawn light and an aura of perfect holiness. Bells chimed. Birds sang. Incense perfumed the air.
It was beautiful.
And Keika hated it on sight.
"It's too peaceful," he muttered suspiciously."Peace is good," said Aurieth."No, peace means something terrible is about to happen."
Gregorius clanked behind him, every step echoing like guilt.
"My liege, we're entering sacred ground. Please, comport yourself with reverence.""I am reverent," Keika hissed, "I haven't insulted anyone yet.""That's progress!" chirped Lilia.
A group of nuns spotted them from afar.White robes fluttered.Halos shimmered.They ran forward—
—and immediately knelt before Keika.
"Oh great Saint of Balance! You've returned!"
"I've what now," Keika deadpanned.
The lead nun, a serene woman with eyes like liquid silver, looked up reverently.
"The prophecies foretold that when the world trembles, the Saint of Sarcasm shall descend to deliver divine judgment and biting wit."
Aurieth clapped her hands, beaming.
"See? You're famous already!"
"I—what—no! I am not a saint! I'm just—""A chosen one!""A host!" Keika shouted. "I used to serve drinks and flirt for tips!""Exactly," the nun said gravely. "A man skilled in temptation, humility, and inner balance."
"Those are not the same things!!"
The Skeleton's Sainthood
While Keika tried to argue theology with professional celibates, Gregorius had somehow gathered a crowd of nuns around him.
They stared at his bones in awe.
"He shines so purely," one whispered."A being of immaculate chastity…""He must be an angel of devotion!"
Gregorius puffed his ribcage proudly.
"I do maintain purity, yes."
Keika whirled.
"You're a walking calcium deficiency!"
"My liege, modesty.""I will throw you into a baptismal font!"
Aurieth laughed so hard she had to hold onto the chapel gate.
"Oh Keika, your holiness truly brings people together."
"I'm going to bring a meteor next," Keika grumbled.
The Worship Escalates
The nuns escorted them into the grand cathedral, where stained glass bathed the hall in rainbow light.Before Keika could protest, a massive tapestry unfurled above the altar—
—and it was a perfect (if slightly sparkly) depiction of him, looking dramatically disinterested while holding a goblet of divine light.
"WHAT IS THAT?!" Keika screamed."Our Saint of Sarcasm, in all his jaded splendor," explained the abbess serenely.
"WHO DREW THAT?!""A prophetic artist under divine trance. Three hundred years ago."
Keika froze.
"Three. Hundred.""Yes," she said kindly. "You've reincarnated beautifully."
Aurieth leaned over, whispering with mock sweetness:
"Told you you had charisma."
Keika's eye twitched.
"I'M GOING TO CHARISMA YOU INTO A VOLCANO."
Divine Misfire
The nuns began singing hymns in his "honor."Birds flew in through the cathedral windows to act as "holy attendants."And then, because destiny hates Keika, Gregorius tripped and knocked over a holy urn.
The resulting explosion of golden dust coated everyone in glitter.
The nuns gasped.
"It's a miracle! Golden grace descends!"
Aurieth beamed proudly.
"Ah, spontaneous sanctification. Classic divine phenomenon."
"He literally fell," Keika muttered."Grace works in mysterious ways."
The abbess raised her hands reverently.
"This is the sign! The Saint has returned to lead us into the New Age of Wit!"
Keika stood there, covered in glitter, surrounded by sparkly skeletons, glowing birds, and hysterically devout nuns.
"…Nope.""Keika?""Nope nope nope. I'm done. I'm resigning. Again."
Divine HR Department (Part 3)
That night, Keika marched outside, lit a candle, and began writing on a piece of parchment.
"Dear Divine Management," he muttered,"Effective immediately, I am resigning from all positions related to divinity, sainthood, or accidental religious leadership.""I do not consent to miracles, worship, or unwanted skeleton affection.""Kindly remove me from the reincarnation mailing list.""Sincerely, your eternally suffering employee, Keika."
He folded it, burned it, and looked at the stars.
"There. Done."
The next moment, the sky lit up with holy text:
[DIVINE HR RESPONSE: REQUEST DENIED. PLEASE TRY AGAIN IN 999 YEARS.]
"YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!!"
Aurieth's laughter echoed through the heavens.
"Welcome to sainthood, Keika~"
He dropped to his knees, hands trembling.
"This isn't isekai.""This is divine unpaid overtime!"
Foreshadowing Amid Chaos
As the cathedral slept, a faint hum spread across the land.The stars flickered — and somewhere beyond the veil, something vast and sentient stirred.
A whisper brushed Keika's mind:
"Saint of Sarcasm… your final trial approaches."
Keika looked up, exhausted.
"If this is another god, I swear I'll—"
Gregorius poked his head in.
"My liege, the nuns have made you a throne!""…Out of what?""Bunnies."
Keika sighed into his hands.
"I'm going to die surrounded by glitter and fur, aren't I?"