I was a forty-year-old unemployed man without a place to live, l was a weird man with an always grumpy expression living rock bottom while failing to rise up. My life has taken a much darker approach, the world l dreamt of was robbed from the face of Earth.
I had been homeless for twenty years, living off expired food and a negative environment. Before that, l had everything: Money, Power, fame, and a future people envied. Now…l sit where flies gather, stretching out my hand begging for coins people pretend not to have.
Funny thing… I've witnessed a similar scenario back at my uprising, when l was still at the top of the world, standing high where everybody saw me. A man sitting by the side of the road begging Ethan Carter for anything he had, with the naive and selfish attitude l had, at that time l ignored the hungry man's plea. I also remember what mother told me at that moment seeing my negative attitude.
"This will happen to you if you don't work on yourself but rely on others."
At first l thought mother was just bluffing and stating nonsense until reality struck hard like thunder. Walking past grocery stores, it brings shame that l cannot afford my needs. As the saying goes, "You never truly know a moment until it becomes a memory."
Sipping on a bottle of water while replying to that quote each day brings nothing but frustration, everything changed because of my decision. Why life wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, having to worry less about the "if" because my future was set in stone. I thought my future was at arms length, till this, l wish l had taken life seriously back then. Just a single wish to be fulfilled… to spend time with my family and friends. Then maybe, just maybe, my "today" would've been different.
All l did was fail a simple instruction…a simple point. Ethan Carter had siblings, even though they had a glimpse of hatred towards me for merely failing. Couldn't they appreciate what l had then lost? It was hopeless to even think about it. All l had were two precious people, my mother being my biggest supporter, and father being my financial advisor, while my two young siblings were number one haters. Could the hate have been because both parents admired Ethan Carter the most?
What happened to Ethan Carter's family?
My whole family was killed by unknown masked looking people. As l got home depleted from afternoon class, l witnessed the most gruesome scene. It was horrific and tragic to describe, more like something out of a horror movie. Till this day, l honestly didn't know who those guys were. Could my family have signed a contract with severe conditions to it and may have been broken? Who could say. They are all gone now. That was the moment my life took a dark path, a path leading straight to the pit of despair. There's a moment that flashed before my eyes, after l arrived home l found my father lying on the ground with a pool of blood, father stretching his hand to reach his son with wide eyes
"Save your mother." Father whispered, drawing his last breath
.
The situation was becoming ridiculous, Ethan Carter was flabbergasted by his father's last request. Saving mother while those masked looking people were still inside? I wasn't crazy enough to just walk in and save mother, l would be caught and then killed. My heart was racing like it wanted to burst out, face scrunched and body paralyzed on the spot. Even attempting to open my mouth was an impossible task.
What do you think l did about the situation? Saved mother as requested…
No.
I ran away without a moment's hesitation ignoring my father's last request. I loved my life, l want to continue living, even if it meant betraying the people l loved my whole life. Running away like a sore loser while the words of not wanting to die rang my eardrums.
"I don't want to die!"
It was a rainy day.
Stepping as far away from home, l laid to rest across the street, while it reeked of expired milk and bug infestation. This was the beginning and turning point of my life.
*****
Several years had passed. I adapted to my new profound environment, hoping for someday to change, hoping for someone to aid my darkened heart. Even in this new environment watching people with bright futures just annoys me, why was my light snatched away? Only if l could strangle their dreams, and take it for myself…I'm stupid, disgusting, naive, irredeemable, pathetic, and a useless bum. I hate everything, l hate myself, l even hate my family that failed me!
Glad they're all dead.
This isn't me. Save me. Anyone…
Fast forward to ten years being homeless, l encountered my old classmates inside a luxurious bus with fancy clothing. Talk about worse timing. They saw my useless ass lying on the floor with a stanch while stretching out my cup. Their gaze fixated on me, a cold, judgmental gaze staring down at me. There was silence in the bus, like being caught off guard. Stop it! My hands trembled, my voice cracked. I had nothing to say but stay quiet, l even wet my pants in the process, crap. Back in high school, l was the type to judge others based on their status, appearance, race, and gender. Because l had it all. Harsh wasn't it? I looked down upon those that tried reaching my height, l would shame them, humiliate them, and trash talk about them. All until they stopped coming to school or either ended their lives because of me. That's how horrible l was, maybe l don't need help after all the things I've done…right?
After all the things I've done they stopped looking at my direction. Can't blame them honestly, those were my foolish acts after all. Now, they're confronting me at my lowest, drained, and worthless piece of shit.
Wasn't he wealthy? Didn't he grow up in a stable home? Wasn't he a genius with a bright future in arms length? I reckoned those words rang their minds in a frenzy.
What did they do?
A girl with blonde hair, ocean blue eyes, and pure white skin approached my direction with a dazzling smile on her face. She was the girl in high school who was humiliated the most by being sexiest and discriminating. Seeing her approach my direction was something that pierced my heart, at that moment.
"I wish you had died instead…" She said, dropping her smile with an empty gaze.
"Uh?" I honestly didn't know what to say, my heart sank, rendering me speechless. "I see."
After that, she quickly walked away and joined up with her friends. Why don't you die instead, stupid! Till then, that was the last time l saw her.
*****
Till this day, age forty, l remember that moment like it was yesterday.
Feeling drained from the long sitting, the sun had left my company and replaced it with its enemy, guess even the sun abounded me. It was a time l didn't like because it reminded me of my life back then. How much of a devil l actually was to society.
Getting up from the pile of garbage l call coin collection, it was time to move on to a new location. "I'm hungry." I mumbled, my stomach growling at me like an untrained puppy. The nearest convenient store wasn't far away, it would take approximately fifteen minutes. I thought of grabbing something big today since l received a lot of money. Probably might get a soda or maybe a half piece of cake, there were so many options yet limited. As soon as l reached the third street, l spotted a little girl all by herself with a sweaty body. It was odd seeing a girl her age outside all alone at this dead hour. If l had to guess, she could be ten or eleven years old. I didn't want to start any nonsense thinking and simply walked away, minding my own damn business.
As soon as l walked past her, my trousers had been tightly gripped. The little girl from the street held my trouser while sobbing loudly. I was already overstimulated, her annoying squeaky voice sounded like a plea.
"P-please help me…sir…" She said, wiping tears off her face.
It had seemed l was correct, she was indeed pleading something, but why a grumpy looking old man with a mysterious stanch, why did she ask nobody? Couldn't they be anyone around the area to call for help, even the police…why me? I failed to save someone precious in my life, what makes her think I'd change now?
She still hadn't let go of me, l annoyingly swayed my hand and dragged her away from me. And continued walking straight, turning my head back seeing her reaction, she quickly dashed at my back and head butted my back. That's it! It was at that point of the meter that my body completely lost it.
"You're a persistent one. What do you want from me?! I don't have time for your pathetic shenanigans , go play somewhere else, or just go home!" I yelled, dragging her away from me with brute force, hoping she would leave me alone.
She didn't look like a street kid, her clothes seemed brand new and clean. But, l don't get it. What kind of kid would look at a guy like me and think about sunshine and rainbows? Did earth get an update? Nonetheless, l refused to turn around this time, l didn't hear footsteps, so l assumed she went away just as l instructed her too. Although l felt bad betraying her, what if she needed help with something…but in reality, I'm no superhero, it didn't concern me in the slightest.
"It took longer to arrive today, hope it's still open…?"
I entered the convenience store with a stunned reaction, the place was filled with ghosts, not a single soul was present. It was nighttime, but that didn't mean the shop was still closed, that's because I'm aware of the time they closed.
I don't actually know the time because l don't have a watch.
There wasn't a single human in the service counter, it was like facing the aftermath of an apocalypse.
"Did l hit the jackpot?"
Exactly.
This was a blessing from the heavens l couldn't ignore, can't let this chance slip away right off the bat. I hurried to the food section and packed a bunch of food on a troll, taking food like a man who hadn't in days, the excitement was brimming. Packing a month's worth of food, even if l get caught by the security camera, they wouldn't bother arresting a homeless man, would they? Nonetheless, l needed this more than anyone else.
As l kept filling the troll with food, l caught a glimpse of a man by the corners of my eyes. Slowly turning my head sideways, my soul immediately left my body as l stood pale as a statue.
"Aren't you…? What the hell!" I whispered, teeth chattered uncontrollably. My voice slowly fading, and my heart beat pounding fast as a speeding train.
There was a man standing by the service counter, wearing an all black suit and white mask on his face, standing frozen in time while making a single, probably gazing at my soulless body. I wasn't afraid of being caught by regular cashiers or store managers, this guy in front was something different.
An Assassin.
Having faint memories of my parents passing. The people that took them down. The monsters that brought me to hell. A glimpse of darkness stood in my path. My only ray of satisfaction, rendering my enemy on sight in this dark mist.
"…"
"What am l saying, l don't have time for all this nonsense." I said, facing my downward with a scrunched face.
I'm stupid.
That's what l thought. I don't have the courage nor strength to move one step, nor the balls to bark at him. This uneasiness wouldn't leave my body, thus taking a step back and walking away. Avoiding unnecessary drama was the only path to peace. That didn't mean l forgave these guys for what they did, they could rot in hell for all l care. The masked man said nothing as l walked away, no words were uttered by his demonic mouth, words couldn't comprehend my hatred, boiling in a pit of rage was all l could say.
"Good evening, Sir! Fancy meeting ya' in this town."
"Huh?"
"Cat got your tongue?"
"Wh-what!"
This was a strange encounter, arguable the worst encounter of the century, my eyes engulfed in rage. There was a girl, blonde hair with ponytails, her crimson eyes gazing at my body, and a grimacing smile slowly widening. She looked like a devil in person, a devil coated in human skin. I was speechless, it was the same girl that was following me back on the street, why did she follow me all the way through the convenience store? Hadn't she listened to what l said earlier? This situation was getting even more ridiculous. My life was in complete mess, my brain clouded with mixed up thoughts. It felt like a fever dream. I thought l was going to die.
"I asked for help, you rejected. Isn't that crazy? You seriously aren't rejecting someone's plea for the second time aren't ya'?" She calmly said, sticking out her tongue.
"I don't give a damn about you needing rescue, just leave me alone. Out of my sight!"
Her smile continued widening as she moved closer. "You don't want to do it for a second time?"
"Shut up!
"Hmph! You big meany, blah!"
What?
What was that sudden phrase about? Why did she put it so bluntly? I'm already drained from starvation, l don't want anything more to do in my life. If she wanted help, then that depended on her own act, I'm just nobody to trust on, the fact l even killed ... .I feel sorry rejecting her, it almost reminded me of the day l rejected my father's request.
I walked out of the food aisle, sprinted straight for the exit leaving the food l packed behind, that girl could take all l had. I didn't really care at this point, my mind was fed up, completely fed up. As l reached the exit, l spotted the masked man lying on the floor bleeding from head to toe.
Huh? What happened?
His head had been ripped open revealing the insides, the sight was unbearable that my stomach made weird noises. The small blood was so strong l began coughing. Fluid began pouring out from my mouth, l was completely disgusted. Who killed this guy? Who randomly kills someone off the bat?
"I ain't sticking around to find out." I said, coughing my mouth with a cloth while running out of the store.
It was supposed to be me taking my revenge, l wanted to end their lives, l wanted them to taste misery, watching their loved ones get brutally killed. Why didn't l accomplish such a task? Murder had become my internal and mental thoughts, it was becoming a habit, engulfed with a pit of mixed up emotions…I was losing myself.
"Tell me God…can't l have a normal life? I'm losing pieces of myself…" I muttered to myself, slowly dropping on my knees.
Yeah, no point asking for help when the whole world hates you. Funny.
"No point when even the gods hate you? I don't know, why ask for a great life when you've committed a greater sin…" I heard a whisper. "Remember what you did to her? Her screams must've satisfied you, am l right?"
Stop it! What the hell is this voice talking about? What screams, what girl, what satisfaction, what are you trying to say?!
"Aha haha!"
Stop taunting me! It's like this voice wants to get on my nerves….if it keeps going like this, then l might…
"Kill me? Of course that's what you're planning. Like you have never done before."
I felt a touch behind my back after hearing the whispers. My body froze after the touch, l couldn't hear anything, was l trapped in ice? No, l couldn't feel anything either. But l could see. Suddenly, the entire area was being engulfed in darkness, slowly until it covered my vision. Even emotions weren't letting out-yes, l wasn't even thinking about anything. Just clear as the blue sky.
Thud! Splash!
After what felt like forever, my body dropped on the ground hard by some kind of push force. I could feel liquid on my face as l fell, it wasn't raining yet something about this liquid was off. My body began heating up so fast l could hardly breath, even attempting to scream was an impossible task. It was like liquid being stuck on your throat. The pain was excruciating. My body rejected commands, my eyes kept twitching. Right in front of my eyes, l saw a little girl slowly approaching my direction. She seemed to be whistling judging from her mouth looking like she's blowing bubbles. I tried stretching out my hands for help, but couldn't reach.
"You seem to be a fine specimen." She said, pointing her finger directly at my head.
At that moment, my head exploded like a smashed tomato. I couldn't fully comprehend what exactly was going on at that moment. The lone girl, the masked man, the empty store, and my head exploded. Talk about fever dreams, this was something straight out of a movie. I don't know whether those questions will be left unanswered. I just wanted to purchase something to satisfy my desires, l didn't ask to get dragged in the gates of hell, why had my life been cursed?
Who am l to complain, dying is a better ending than living in a world not in my favor. Mother. Father. Can l even reach where you are right now?
Please help me, mother…