Ria
I am standing in the now-completed nursery and toddler room, watching my daughters sleep in their cribs.
They hit 6 months old today. It honestly is surprising how fast they grow and change from one day to the next. They are sitting up, crawling, eating baby food, and are quite a handful.
That makes me think of the day I found out I was pregnant again, and had a total meltdown. This was just never supposed to be how things turned out. I used to have dreams about these moments. Now I have reality, and some days the extreme difference between the two is hard to take.
We at least know this is only 1 baby, thank fuck, or I'd really have fucking snapped. The guys are excited about finding out the gender in a couple of weeks, but I'm still not able to get excited or participate in any way with my pregnancy.
It's fall, and the leaves are vibrant colors of harvest. I think it's beautiful, but it reminds me of the start of school, Halloween, which Cin adored. I should be back at college, excited about the new academic year.
I leave the nursery and grab a monitor on the way out. I need to find something calming before I lose my shit. The only thing that comes to mind is the garden.
I grab my jacket and hurry out, finding the fountain and my bench, as I've come to think of it. Maybe my owls will come and find me today. I miss being able to spend time with them on my balcony, but when we did the renovation and the guys started sharing a room with me, the owls stopped coming. They still come to me out here, but I still miss it.
I actually usually end up with a menagerie while I'm out here. They are pretty therapeutic, so I don't really mind them. I wonder if one of the girls will share my gift. I guess we will find out soon enough.
Today is one of the dreaded going-to-town days. The girls go, and Natalia insists on visiting the baby boutique, and then she has to visit Amy. There is always the dreaded cafe appearance, where we are all put on display. Sometimes one or a couple of the guys go, especially with 3 kids in tow. I don't have a visit with Zoe planned any time soon.
The dreaded celebrations will start at the beginning of December, but I already have plenty of dresses, and even plenty of maternity ones, so no more dress shopping for me. In fact, the only shopping I do is online now. I even shop for the girls most of the time that way. Natalia is the one who insists on going to the local shops, to "support the local economy". That would matter to me if I gave a rat's ass about this town, which I most certainly do not.
I think in some ways everyone just expected me to get "over" everything. Wake up one day, and everything would be alright, and I would magically forgive everyone, and be everyone's friend. They have never really gotten to know me, or they would have known already, that would never happen. I don't think that after the life I lived as a child, Stockholm Syndrome would actually work on me.
I am sitting at breakfast with everyone. We have to get creative with three babies in high chairs, and feeding them more solid foods, or actually pureed foods, would be more accurate. So Desi is next to me this morning, or actually between Drago and me in her high chair. Mari is between Cole and Cinder, and then Eli is between Ash and Natalia. The new little one will make this an interesting dynamic.
I am trying not to think about having triplets who are only 10 months old and a newborn at the same time. Drago has talked about hiring a nanny, and I'm not against it, but I demanded that if we did, she couldn't come from town; she had to come from someplace else.
"If we get a Nanny, you could also complete your college degree online." Drago looks at me as he says this.
I feel the bottom fall out of my stomach; that thought is like a knife in my heart. College was such a dream of mine, but now, what the fuck good would it do me? I would have a basically meaningless piece of paper, nothing more.
"Where would I use it, Drago? You guys took away whatever dreams I had about a life and career, which was the whole point of getting my degree. Now, it would just be a painful, useless piece of paper."
I focus on Desi, and will myself not to get emotional. I try to keep myself in check around the girls. I know they're only babies, but I know they pick up on my emotional state.
Damn it, what the fuck else am I going to have to deal with today?