The 'Heavenly Brew Tea House' had been open for exactly three days, and Li Jian was already considering faking his own death.
On his left, Ling Yue was polishing a single tea cup with such intensity that it was starting to glow with a faint blue light. On his right, Huo Fenghuang was "attracting customers" by standing outside and shouting at people to "Come drink the Senior's tea or face the wrath of the Phoenix!"
Unsurprisingly, the street was empty.
"Can you both just... sit down?" Li Jian pleaded. "You're not running a tea shop; you're running a military blockade."
Before either could respond, the sound of rhythmic footsteps and silk rustling approached. A group of men in extravagant purple robes marched up to the shop. In the center was a pale young man fanning himself with a golden fan, despite the cool breeze.
"So," the young man sneered, looking at the dilapidated sign. "This is the place everyone is whispering about? The 'Miracle Tea Shop'?"
Li Jian perked up. Finally, a customer who looks like he has money!
"Welcome," Li Jian said, putting on his best 'I'm-just-a-mortal' smile. "One cup is ten copper coins today. Special price for... high-status guests." (He decided to double the price because the guy looked rich and annoying).
The young man, Han Dong—the third son of the city's Governor—laughed. "Ten copper? My shoes cost more than your entire life, peasant. I heard your tea heals meridians. If it's true, my father might let you live. If it's a lie, I'll have this shack burned down by sunset."
Ling Yue's hand twitched toward her sword. Huo Fenghuang's hair began to flicker with actual sparks.
Li Jian stepped forward quickly, holding up a hand to stop them. "No fire, no swords! Sir, please. Just drink. If you don't like it, the burning is on the house."
Li Jian quickly brewed a cup of his new 'Calming Willow Tea'. He had added a bit of a local herb he found, hoping to make it extra relaxing so the guy would just go away.
Han Dong took the cup with a look of disgust, sniffed it, and took a large, arrogant gulp.
Silence filled the shop.
"Well?" Han Dong demanded, but his voice suddenly went up three octaves. "I don't feel any—hic!"
A massive cloud of bright pink smoke suddenly erupted from Han Dong's ears.
"My Lord!" his guards shouted, reaching for their weapons.
"Wait, look!" one guard pointed.
Han Dong wasn't dying. In fact, his face had turned from a sickly pale to a vibrant, healthy pink. But he was also... floating. His body had become as light as a balloon, his feet hovering three feet off the ground.
"What... hic... is happening?" Han Dong squeaked, his voice sounding like he had inhaled a gallon of helium. "I feel... so... light... hic!"
With every hiccup, a small, glowing bubble floated out of his mouth. Each bubble contained a concentrated amount of pure, chaotic Qi that he had been unable to refine for years. The tea wasn't just healing him; it was 'expelling' his impurities in the most embarrassing way possible.
"Oh," Li Jian blinked, looking at the floating, squeaking Young Master. "I think I over-steeped the Willow leaves. That's the 'Spiritual Detox' kick."
"You... hic... dare... hic... make me... a balloon?" Han Dong tried to look threatening, but it's hard to be scary when you are bouncing against the ceiling like a party decoration.
Huo Fenghuang burst out laughing. "Look at him! The Governor's son is a bubble-blower!"
Ling Yue actually let out a small, rare snort of amusement. "Senior's techniques are truly profound. To punish an arrogant soul by turning him into a child's toy... such poetic justice."
"It wasn't justice! It was a mistake!" Li Jian yelled, but nobody was listening.
The guards, seeing their master floating away toward the open window, scrambled to grab his ankles. "My Lord! Come back! Don't drift toward the West Gate!"
Within minutes, the shop was empty again, except for a few glowing bubbles still popping against the ceiling.
Li Jian looked at the mess. "Well, on the bright side, he didn't burn the place down."
"Actually, Senior," Ling Yue said, looking out the window. "A crowd is gathering. They saw him floating. They think you've discovered the secret to 'Ascension without Cultivation'."
Li Jian looked out. At least fifty people were sprinting toward his shop, holding bags of coins and shouting about 'Heavenly Balloons'.
Li Jian slowly reached for his 'Closed' sign. "System... I want to go back to being an accountant. Taxes were easier than this."