*
QOPHELO
*
I wake up tangled in a fleece blanket Iyana laying next to me. I breathe in relief seeing that I didn't hurt her. I lay here looking at the ceiling feeling lighter. I've never cried with anyone in my life besides my parents and my siblings and yesterday, I cried, I cried on her shoulder. For the first time since my father passed, I cried for him. Knowing that he didn't leave this earth willingly, he was forced to leave us weighed heavy on me. It felt like I was carrying a mountain on my shoulders but now, now after last night, I feel lighter, I feel ready to make peace with my father's death. I might have accepted it but I was not at peace but now, now acceptance and peace coexist. How could my uncle do this. How could he be so greedy to a point that he would kill his own family. I look beside and wonder how she was not scared of me.
I knew she was the one the minute I could sense her energy around here. I didn't know her then, I didn't know what she looked like but I knew she was close. Last night, last night was just the confirmation I needed, the seal I needed. This right here is what has been missing in my life. I pull her closer to me, feeling her warmth and she fits into my body perfectly. Why did it take so long for me to meet her. She stirs a little and opens her eyes and the smile that graces her lips is the only confirmation I need to know all will be well, that we are going to be ok. I just pull her closer and kiss her gently and slowly. Something inside me moves. I don't know if I'm getting butterflies in my stomach but something is happening. Can a man get butterflies? I wonder. I pull back smiling at her.
"Hey"
Iyana: Hey, how are you feeling? Are you ok?
"I am fine. Thank you for last night. I'm sure if you were not around I would have torn the palace apart."
Iyana: Have you done that before? I mean destroy the palace.
"Once, yes, but my dad and mom managed to calm me. They had to transform. My dad had to assert his domination over me. My anger can be uncontrollable sometimes depending on what made me angry. The anger I had last night was enough for me to destroy everything in my path but somehow it was under control and my uncle is proof since he is still alive."
Iyana: You are slightly bigger than your dad.
"Back then I was not this big. I was still young and just a prince. I had always been big. I was the same size as my dad. I noticed a change in my size when you came around. Actually I noticed a lot of changes in me when I started sensing your presence in the Kingdom."
Iyana: I thought I would be scared of you. I heard the commotion last night but didn't pay too much attention to it but something in me snapped and told me you needed me. I felt a pull towards the courtyard. I watched for a bit, saw how you could have easily killed him but you resisted. I think he was trying to get you to kill him but you resisted.
"Yes, he was. My brother kept telling me not to kill him. He knew I would never be able to live with my uncle's death had I killed him and it would have been an easy way out for him."
Iyana: I'm happy you didn't. I need the bathroom and you need to get dressed so that we can go back.
"We don't have to go back just yet. I'll take a shower and you can shower too. We can make something to eat and sit here for a while and get to know each other. I don't have my phone with me but I'll use the landline to let my brother know we are ok and you are still alive."
She smiles getting up and walking towards the separate bathroom. I get up and go to my bedroom and went straight to the bathroom under the hot shower. The hot water helped to loosen and relax my muscles even more. I finish up quickly getting dressed in sweat pants and a t-shirt. I grab one of my t-shirts and a pair of boxer shorts put them on the bed for her. I walk towards the bathroom she is using knocking but no response. I just stand there and announce that I've placed clothes for her to wear on my bed and walk towards the kitchen. I am femished. I stand in front of the fridge trying to decide what we are going to eat. It is almost lunch time so I just opt to make a simple meal. Creamy Chicken Pasta, that should work. Before I start on the cooking, I pick up the landline and call Mxolisi, letting him know I'm in my cabin, that I am ok and Iyana is ok and alive.
I wish my father was hear. I know he is here, watching over us but I wish he was alive. He would be helping with everything now. With the situation I have with my uncle now, I have to think of people that I'll choose to represent me at the Manzini Kingdom for the lobola negotiations. She walks in interrupting my thoughts.
Iyana: You are thinking too hard, I can feel it.
"I was just thinking about my father and I need to talk to you about something."
Iyana: Oh yeah, what do you want us to talk about? "She asks getting some ingredients out, it looks like she is going to make something sweet while I make the pasta. Now this, this is what I have always wanted. Sharing the kitchen with my woman."
"Iyana, as we both know now that you are my chosen and I am yours. I had a conversation with your father. I gave him a very lucrative deal for the Kingdom and there's something that your father is not aware of about the Kingdom but I think you are aware of it. Before I go on, I want you to understand that I didn't make the deal I made with your father so that I can marry you. I made the deal so I can save the Kingdom from the Buthelezi's because they would have destroyed it. You are mine, You were made for me, I was made for you and I don't need to make deals to marry you. I hope you understand that."
Iyana: I understand perfectly.
"Good. I spoke to him and I told him you will be going home soon for the lobola negotiations, that is if you are ok with that. I don't see a need to wait. You are already here and I want you to be here officially as my wife and as the Queen of this Kingdom. I need you to be here everyday. Iyana, I have you now and I didn't have to go find you, my father made sure you find your way here and I am not about to let you go. I need to know if it's ok for you to go back home and I send my people over the weekend and they come back with you once everything is done?" I noticed how she flinched at the mention of her going home. She tensed and became uncomfortable. How I wish I was able to hear her thoughts just like I hear everyone else's. Hearing people's thoughts can be a curse and a blessing, it's a hard ability to have which I tend to use only when I need to. I have learned to block out people's thoughts and just listen to those that I need to listen to at that particular time and right now I wish I could hear what she is thinking. It's like she has blocked me. I can sense and see the fear in her.
Iyana: I don't want to go home. "She says it with so much conviction not leaving room for negotiation but I need to know why because the negotiations cannot go on if she is not there and I know she knows it. Could this be about what Baba Themba mentioned about her father.
"Why, why don't you want to go home?" She sighs and takes a deep breath.
*
IYANA
*
Now how do I tell him why I don't want to go home. I've never spoken to anyone about this. I never thought I would have to. I tried telling my mother what was happening but she just ignored me. This man is the man I am meant to spend the rest of my life with, I might as well tell him now, because there will never be a right time. This is as good a time as any. I watch him switch off the stove and he takes out two cups and I watch him make hot chocolate for us. I finish making our desert and put it the fridge and clean up. He takes out some cookies and place them on a plate. He hands me my cup, he takes his and the plate of cookies and leads the way back to the lounge. He grabs the big cushions that were behind the couch and place them in middle where we slept last night and the fire place is still on keeping the space very warm. He sits and invites me to sit next him. As soon as I am settled, I take a deep breath and softly breathe out. He is quiet, I know he is waiting for me to answer his question.
"It started when I was eleven when my body started changing. I started getting boobs, pubic hair, body shape started changing. At first it was just the way he would look at me, how he wanted to help me get ready for school in the mornings and tuck me in bed every night. I figured it was just how he loved me. My mother never really bothered. When I was fourteen it became more. I had a full chest then and I started getting my periods. Every morning he would wake me up to get ready for school. He would sit in the bathroom and watch as I bath and sit in the bedroom watching me as I get dressed. Every night he come in my room to tuck me but he started touching me. It started with him just playing with my boobs and then he added kisses. He would peck my lips, he never kissed me deeply, it was always just small pecks on my lips, his focus was more on my neck and he would take his time sucking on my boobs. I tried to stop him but he would hold me down and threaten me to not scream. It went on like that for a while. I remember the day I told my mother about what he was doing and she blatantly ignored me and told me I'm a woman now and that's what women do. I was sixteen then, still a child. Everything I knew about sex, what was right and what was wrong, I learned from school and Mam' Zola who was my nanny.
That same night he came into my room, he was angry about something. He had a meeting at some other Kingdom, I guess things didn't go as planned. He gagged me and ripped my clothes off. That night he sucked on my boobs so hard, even biting on them. He said it was punishment for breaking the rules. I didn't understand what rule I broke. He laid me on the bed and used his belt to tie me to the bed. He got on the bed, he knelt and open my legs so wide and he ate me up biting hard on my clit. I silently cried because I couldn't scream because of the gag. He took his pants off and when he tried to penetrate his weapon just went soft. Through my tears I could see the confusion on his face. I could see how he didn't understand what was happening. He just stopped and sat on the bed trying to figure out what was happening. He tried three times but every time it would just go soft. He got up untied me and he got dressed and left the room. That night I didn't know what to do, I wanted to run away but I didn't know where to go, I couldn't even run to my own mother because I once told her what was going on and she simply said my father was showing me love. I just stayed in bed and cried myself to sleep. It happened for a week, that he couldn't penetrate me how he wanted. That made him even more and he would just f***k my mouth and release on my face. At some point he even tried to use his fingers but for some some reason he would go numb. I remember the day Sbonelo our Seer called me to his hut. He told me I am protected and that nothing will happen. My father is not going to do anything to me because I am not his to do as he pleases with. That day he performed a protection ritual, protecting me from my father. Ever since then my father has not touched me but he still looked at me the same. He still wanted me. When I was eighteen, he tried again, this time he drugged me. I don't know what he did. I know I woke up with my boobs hurting, bite marks on my thighs, I didn't feel any pain down there so figured nothing happened.
He was sitting on the small couch I had in my room and asked me what I did, why he can't penetrate me, asked what kind of which craft I did on him. I couldn't understand how my own father would have those kinds of thoughts about this own daughter. I mean he has my mother, why would he do that. So when they made the deal with the Buthelezi's I told myself that this is my chance to get away from them, not knowing I was being transferred from one hell to another. Even Ntsika was never able to sleep with me which made him more angry. He would always say he can't wait till we are married to have me. He assumed that we would have to be married first. My mother never really wanted me to go there but because of the financial troubles the Kingdom was, is facing, he had to make the sacrifice. My mother was only too happy to be rid of me. I remember when my dad first refused the Edwaleni deal, my mother couldn't understand why. They fought that night and the next morning my dad agreed to the deal.
I am scared of going home. I don't know what is going to happen this time around. A lot has happened to in that place and I feel like going back will bring it all back or even worse. I don't want to relive all those days." he looked at me for a while and just pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me. That's when the tears fell. He let me cry and I cried. I cried for all the times I couldn't call for help. I cried for the times my mother ignored me and did nothing. I cried for the love I never got from my parents, the love they gave my brother but didn't give to me.
Qophelo: No one is ever going to hurt you again Iyana. Anyone who tries to hurt will die before they even get a chance to touch a single hair on your head.