A month passed.NO calls,no text.Just me and my thoughts.He probably forgot me or maybe was too busy with his study.
My long texts never got delivered.I had already loose hope.May be I feel to the depth when someone hasn't even reached the shore.
My days continued normally but with a little guilt every single day.The only place I felt comfort was the orphanage.The kids.I moved in there with my stuffs.
Stella was pretty unhappy probably because her friend was leaving her or wasn't prioritizing her.But what do I say about priority.Heart os responsible for setting priorities but I didn't even have a heart left for anything further.
"Sister,when will broter come.we miss him."A kid said.
"Soon."I said convincing my heart too.
"Hey.Autum."
"Doc."It was Dr.Ana.
"How is Rowan ??Tell him not to stress out okay."she said with a little sad expression.
"I don't know doc.He isn't in contact.Is he not well."I asked.
"He said he will tell it to you when the time is right.He forbid me from saying it to you.All I can say is he is ill.He needs you."
Her statement broke my heart.He needs me but how can I go to him.He is ill but what kind.He didn't even tell it to me.Was he expecting me not to come or did he ..tryy..
"Yes.."
On saying that I went to my room with teary eyes and looked around in my cupboard searching for the present.
"There."I found it.Tints of just had overlapped it but the feelings were still fresh.
I teared the silver wrap and opened the box.
The tears only grew wider.
It was filled with my photos since long nearly an year old.
A letter with his name at the end.
And..His diary..Yes the diary he always wrote.The diary I always wanted to sneak in but never dared.It was infront of me today.
Today?It had been for a month.I got it today.
I opened the diary.
The initials amazed me.
"Autum..Autum Vale."
I turned the page.
"I saw a girl today in the station.Below the maple tree.She was thinking of something.I wanted to ask what but it would be awkward so I dared not to.
I moved to the new house I would be living for a few months now.I unpacked my stuffs.The clothes ,the reports and the medicines.
Yeah.I was here for checkup.I did imagings in eistenburg but they looked kinda scared.They referred me here.
I took a deep breathe and looked off the window.I fliched by the breaking of plates and crying on the opposite building.
A couple middle age fighting on some topic I couldn't hear.I wandered my eyes.
The left room door just closed.
The girl..The same girl.Crying her heart out with trembling hands.
A deep urge came in me to hold those hands.If only she had someone to embrace her and calm her down.
I tried to call but she closed the window.Maybe she didn't want the world to see her cry.I was world to her too.But closing thw windows also closed the beauty.
On my way to Greenland hospital I saw her again.She was on the left corner of the street on her white attire and a black jacket covering it.
I was following her steps hoping he could and I could say, "Oh Hi."
But neither did she turn now I dared go before her.
Everyday we would stop in the Greenland hospital.
We went to the 7th floor on the same lift.
She went to the ward and me to the opd.
But not even a single word or glance.Just me and my desparate heart.
"Rowan.On reviewing you past and recent MRI report.We have analyed and come to a conclusion.You have been diagnosed Glioblastoma Stage third.Sorry to say but you have less days."
Glioblastoma.Sounded more like death to me.How could death sound so clinical.
But I had no regrets.I didn't have anyone to live for.And for myself I had already lived.I just wish I could handover the orphanage to someone trustable who would treat them like their own kids.Even if I …
6th attempt on the coffee shop.I was on the next table than hers.She was sipping an americano and me a cappuccino.She lacked colors I wanted to say but here I can't even say hi that is far.
10th attempt on the library.she was on the dosteosky's section.A section I loved too.She was trying to reach "Crime and Punishment ."Which was on the third floor.Heighty enough for a 5"2'.
I went and took it and handed her.She said thankyou without even looking at me.
She was hiding something or not facing it.She hid those curves thinking the tears and strikes were her destiny .If only I could make her smile .Even for once."
The diary had so many attempts he had trying to talk.Strange I didn't notice any maybe I was too engrossed with darkness with no space for light.And those photos .
Of every attempt he made. All candid.
I continued reading.
"The doctor said I hardly had a month left after these months of chemotherapy.I decided to return back to Eisteinburg with a heavy heart.And there..
I saw her again.Below the same maple tree.I decided to do my 77th attempt.So glad it was successful.
The girl has so much in her heart but glad I swa her first smile.Its so pretty.So worth dying for.
Death…It wouldn't allow me to die for her.
If only I could see her more.If only I could live for few days longer.
I knowingly left the wallet so that shw could come out.
We missed the train.I was really happy.Am I selfish for this.
I could see her so closely ,her fear her scream.I don't care even if it was a crime.
We are separating from the station .But I won't show the tint of sadness.I will leave with the whirlwind.
But we meet again in Stella's house.
I wanted it from the core of my heart.
The roller coaster ride.I wanted to kiss her instantly but what if she gets attached.What if she thinks I am responsible for her smiles.What if she places a hope from a guy who doesn't even have a hope for life.If only I could leave longer.Just a few years longer.Just that I could love her.
I fainted today in between the celebration I know Autum is probably scared.I didn't want this.I realized what I could do to this fragile soul.
But again she called me from behind thinking I should go somewhere far from her.
I couldn't see her freezing I offeref her my jacket ,I wanted to offer my arms but they were weak enough to hold her tight.I wanted to offer life,but the life was leaving me soon.
She asked me how what kind of pretty she was.I could wrote 1000 pages on it and still not be sort of words.
And then..The most beautiful moment of my life.
We were so close.I wanted time to stop but was I even worth it.Would I even be there to be worth it.I will leave this place soon for her for us.She will forget me soon but hope she doesn't forget to smile.
I couldn't live but hope she would live like this always.I would live in her with her.
I received a call from Dr.Ana ,she said I have very less time.But not to worry and that she is finding ways.Ways that don't exist.I will leave to Uk.Or maybe approaching death.Hope she will open this letter on her birthday or atleast when I have already left the world so that I don't see her tears or the god just hear my bargaining.
Hope Rowel always be a part of Autum."
I was all in tears.Like a bird in cage with grains out far enough.Neither she could feed nor stay in calm.
And here I reached the 6th and most dreadful stage
"Severance."