"Listen, Mike, I'm telling you... the Dark Lord my ass!" Xavier paced the tiny Brooklyn apartment, phone jammed between shoulder and ear, one hand waving a half-eaten slice of cold pepperoni pizza for emphasis.
"Voldemort's supposed to be this unstoppable nightmare, right? Snake face, army of masked dipshits, the whole 'I am evil incarnate' speech. And then some scrawny British kid with a forehead scar makes him take the fall for everything in a second! Bullshit. Absolute fucking bullshit!"
On the other end, Mike snorted so hard Xavier heard soda fizzing up his nose. "Dude, you've been saying this since the seventh book dropped. You're just mad you can't write a better villain."
"Mad? I'm fucking inspired!" Xavier flopped onto the sagging couch,
"If I was in that world, I'd be the final boss Voldemort would actually have to earn. Not some emo teen with mommy issues. I'd have ancient magic, sarcastic one-liners... I'd make that bald prick shit his robes so hard the Basilisk would file a noise complaint."
Mike laughed until he wheezed. "You'd last five minutes, man. You can't even parallel park without crying."
"Fuck you, I'd be OP as hell. System-granted powers, harem of sarcastic witches, the works. I'd be the reason the prophecy goes 'lol nope.'"
"Keep dreaming, bro."
Xavier grinned, flipping off the empty room. "Watch me. One day the universe is gonna look at me and say, 'You know what? This asshole deserves to be the final boss.' Then Voldemort's gonna wake up crying."
"Whatever, edgelord. You still owe me fifty bucks for that pizza. And don't die before you pay up."
"Die? Talk later, loser."
He hung up, still chuckling, and grabbed his keys. The corner store was only across the street, and the light was green. He stepped off the curb, eyes glued to his phone screen where some Reddit thread was roasting the Cursed Child play.
"Fucking time-travel fanfic garbage," he muttered. "If I wrote it, I'd—"
The truck came. Tires screamed. Xavier looked up. Time slowed to that stupid movie slo-mo. He had half a second to think, Shit, not like this—
And then… nothing.
Until a voice decided to ruin the afterlife.
"Wish granted, asshole."
Xavier's eyes snapped open. He was lying on a four-poster bed the size of his old apartment, black silk sheets, canopy dripping with silver runes.
Massive windows showed a stormy sky over jagged mountains. A fireplace roared with green flames. On the nightstand, a silver goblet etched with a serpent eating its own tail.
"What the actual fuck?!" he croaked.
A glowing blue box materialized in the air like a video game UI.
[Welcome to your new life, Xavier Moretti.]
[You are now: The Dark Lord's Final Boss.]
[World: Harry Potter – Alternate Timeline, 1991.]
[Body: Pureblood wizard, age 25, heir to the ancient House of Moretti.]
[Current Location: Blackthorn Manor, Scottish Highlands.]
[Objective: Be the final, unavoidable boss that makes Voldemort question every life choice that led him here.]
[Bonus: You keep your memories, personality, and filthy mouth. Enjoy.]
Xavier sat up so fast the room spun. "No. No-no-no. I was joking! Mike, if this is your idea of a prank I swear to God—"
The system pinged again, almost smug.
[Tom Riddle is currently a homeless wraith possessing rats in Albania. Harry Potter is an eleven-year-old cupboard goblin with a lightning bolt scar. The wizarding world thinks the Dark Lord is gone. They're wrong. You're the reason they'll be right to panic.]
Xavier swung his legs off the bed and stumbled to a full-length mirror framed in obsidian.
The guy staring back was him. Tall, six-four easy, lean muscle under black robes, Sharp jaw, messy black hair with a silver streak.
He poked his own cheek. "Holy shit, I'm hot. Like, unfairly hot."
The mirror rippled. A snooty British voice echoed out. "Master Moretti. You're awake. The ancestral wards sang of your… arrival. Most irregular."
Xavier yelped and fell on his ass. "The mirror talks! What is this, Beauty and the Beast on steroids?"
The mirror sniffed. "I am the Mirror of House Moretti. I have served your bloodline for twelve centuries."
"Okay, okay, roll with it. I'm in Harry Potter. I'm the final boss. Voldemort's gonna shit himself when he hears my name. This is the best death ever."
A house-elf popped into existence with a crack, huge bat ears flopping, wearing a pillowcase embroidered with the same serpent crest. Its eyes were wide enough to fall out.
"Master Xavier! You is awake! Dobby... er, no, I is Grimhook now, sir. The old master's elf. There is power in the air, sir. Dark power. Delicious power. What does Master wish? Tea? Blood of his enemies? Both?"
Xavier stared. Then he laughed so hard he had to lean on the bedpost. "Grimhook. Fucking Grimhook. Tea? Fuck yeah. And a newspaper. What year is it again?"
"1991, Master! July! The Boy Who Lived starts Hogwarts in September!"
Xavier's grin sharpened. "Little Harry's about to have the worst sorting of his life. And Snake-face is still a floating turd somewhere."
He strode to the window, throwing it open. Cold Highland wind whipped his robes. Far below, the manor grounds stretched into mist-shrouded forests that definitely contained things with too many teeth.
The system pinged one more time.
[Main Quest Unlocked: The Dark Lord's Nightmare.]
[Make Voldemort regret every Horcrux. Bonus points if Harry Potter thanks you for it.]
[Failure: You become a side character in someone else's story. (Unacceptable.)]
[Reward: One (1) Ultimate Power-Up + bragging rights forever.]
Xavier cracked his knuckles. Magic surged through his veins like liquid fire.
He flicked his wrist and the fireplace exploded into emerald phoenixes that screamed his name before vanishing.
"Fuck yes," he whispered.
Grimhook appeared beside him with a silver tray, tea steaming, and a copy of The Daily Prophet floating beside it.
The headline screamed: MINISTER FUDGE DECLARES "DARK DAYS OVER... BUY MORE GOBLINS!"
Xavier took the teacup, sipped, and grinned at his reflection in the liquid.
"Voldemort," he said conversationally, "you bald, noseless, mommy-issue-having prick… you wanted a final boss?"
He raised the cup, "Congratulations, You just got me."