At the end of the open space beside the four long tables filled with students in the Great Hall, a high-backed stool had already been placed. Resting on top of it was an old, ragged wizard's pointed hat, wrinkled and worn with age.
Further beyond, at the far end of the hall, stood the professors' table, arranged in a curved line.
At its center sat a man in white robes with a long white beard—Albus Dumbledore.
Even while seated, he appeared taller than the others. His snow-white beard flowed down across the table and disappeared beneath it, impressively long. Though he looked very old, his eyes seemed lively and alert.
Ted Epiphany glanced across the professors' table.
There was Severus Snape, his hair greasy and his expression gloomy even on such a festive occasion.
There was Professor Flitwick, the half-goblin wizard sitting on a specially raised stool.
And there was Professor Quirrell, his head wrapped in that strange turban, looking very much like someone from India.
Good. Very good.
At least the first-year storyline hadn't changed.
If Quirrell had disappeared—or worse, if he weren't wearing that turban—Ted would have had no idea how events were unfolding.
If the story's direction became unclear right from the start…
That would truly be a hell-level opening.
Professor McGonagall held a parchment list and spoke loudly.
"When I call your name, you will come forward, sit on the stool, and place the hat upon your head…"
The Sorting Hat on the stool suddenly twitched.
The folds in its fabric formed the shapes of eyes and a mouth, and then it began to sing:
"This is a legend spanning a thousand years,telling of four wise and mighty wizards.
Brave Gryffindor came from marshlands bare,Fair Ravenclaw from lakeside air.
Kind Hufflepuff from valleys wide,And cunning Slytherin from muddy side.
They vowed to teach their knowledge all,As witches and wizards answered their call.
And thus this castle came to standBeside the lake in this enchanted land…"
The young witches and wizards were naturally stunned.
For many of them, this was the first time they had ever seen a singing hat.
Ted politely clapped his hands.
Nice song. Please never sing again.
Professor McGonagall, clearly having heard it many times before, wasted no time.
"Hannah Abbott."
"Yes!"
The famously dependable Hannah hurried forward, nervously placing the hat on her head. The hat was so large it slipped down and covered her eyes completely.
"Hufflepuff!"
After about four or five seconds, the Sorting Hat loudly announced her House.
The Hufflepuffs applauded warmly. Hannah beamed and waved at Ted, who sat not far away.
Thanks to her grandfather, Old Tom, they had met before.
Some characters came and went, but Hannah Abbott always seemed to be present.
Soon the Sorting continued naturally.
There was Lavender Brown, future stealer of Ron's first kiss.
There was Seamus Finnigan, the legendary "explosion prodigy."
Seamus not only possessed an extraordinary talent for blowing up cauldrons, but he had also once accidentally exposed Dumbledore's Army to Dolores Umbridge on its very first night—an incident later jokingly called the "Seamus Explosion Scandal."
Each student took a different amount of time.
Some were sorted instantly.
Others needed a full minute or two.
Ted felt a slight nervousness creeping in.
The Sorting Hat almost certainly possessed some form of Legilimency—or at least an ability to read a wizard's personality.
Although Ted, as a psionicist, had carefully trained his mental defenses, he had never truly tested them in such a situation.
What if something went wrong?
What if something truly catastrophic happened?
Years later, people might tell the story like this:
"Child, when you were sorted, the entire Hogwarts echoed with your House name—Azkaban!"
But he didn't have time to imagine further.
Because Epiphany began with the letter E, placing him fairly early in the list.
Soon enough, Professor McGonagall called:
"Ted Epiphany."
She glanced at him, clearly recognizing the name.
After all, she had personally sent him her old Transfiguration textbook years ago.
Ted nodded politely and sat down, placing the hat on his head.
As a psionicist, Ted understood the mind better than most people.
He had a unique method for dealing with mental intrusion.
Most abilities that probed a target's mind could only detect current thoughts or emotions.
They couldn't directly extract memories unless extremely forceful methods were used.
So Ted simply began recalling every book he had ever read.
Data streamed through his mind at one megabyte per second.
He flipped through the contents of an entire book in ten seconds.
Under those circumstances, if the Sorting Hat could still detect his emotions or thoughts—
Then it truly would be a divine artifact.
"Hmmm…"
The Sorting Hat hesitated.
What in the world is going on in here?
For the first time in centuries, it felt something suspiciously like a headache.
Am I… growing a brain?
Thirty seconds passed.
Still no result.
Ted decided to break the silence.
"Is there a problem, Mr. Hat?" he asked quietly.
"Hmmm… This is difficult. It feels as though some kind of power is interfering with my ability to understand you…"
Hidden Thoughts + Mental Resistance Level 2.
As expected, they were working.
Abilities like Legilimency, mind-reading, and truth potions would all be partially disrupted.
Combined with Ted's shameless mental traffic attack, the thousand-year-old hat had been caught completely off guard.
After another half-minute, the Sorting Hat spoke again.
"You are cunning… you pursue power… you have little respect for law or authority… you would do well in Slytherin…"
Ted: What?
"You are intelligent… eager for knowledge… highly capable of solving the problems before you… you would thrive in Ravenclaw…"
Ted: Hmm?
"You are brave… you crave the unknown… bold and daring… Gryffindor would suit you…"
Ted: Excuse me?
"You are diligent… humble… and possess a rare capacity for compassion… Hufflepuff would welcome you…"
Ted: Are you just guessing at this point?!
He strongly suspected the hat couldn't see through his defenses and was simply listing all four Houses—like a fortune teller speaking vague predictions.
But that confirmed it.
His method had worked.
Ted relaxed.
Since the opportunity was rare, he decided to ask a question.
"Mr. Hat, how old are you?"
"Oh ho! I am over nine hundred years old!"
"Wow! A spell that lasts for a thousand years—that's truly remarkable," Ted said with exaggerated admiration.
"Oh ho ho ho! You flatter me, you flatter me!"
The hat sounded very pleased.
At that moment, Professor McGonagall coughed pointedly nearby.
The Sorting Hat snapped back to reality.
"Ahem. Yes. We must continue the Sorting."
"You're not going to send me to Azkaban, are you?" Ted asked.
"Hahaha! You're quite humorous. I like you."
Good.
Ted relaxed slightly.
"I think I'd be fine with any House—so long as it's not Slytherin."
"Are you sure? You could accomplish great things there."
"Perhaps. But you also said I'm content with an ordinary life. I'm not interested in grand ambitions. Besides…"
Ted paused.
"I'm a yellow-skinned wizard who grew up in a Muggle orphanage. Do you really think Slytherin would be the right place for me?"
"…Very well."
The Sorting Hat raised its voice dramatically.
"RAVENCLAW!!!"
After more than four minutes of hesitation, Ted Epiphany had been sorted into Ravenclaw.
The students below and the professors above had been waiting impatiently.
Professor McGonagall watched as Ted removed the hat and even bowed politely to it.
When she herself had been sorted, it had taken five minutes before the hat placed her in Gryffindor.
Truthfully, she felt a little disappointed Ted hadn't been sorted into her House.
She admired the boy's independence and determination.
Of course, Ted felt no disappointment whatsoever.
If he ended up directly under Professor McGonagall's watchful eye, life might become very… difficult.
Ted waved to Hermione, Hally, and the others before heading to the Ravenclaw table.
Several students nodded or welcomed him warmly.
Meanwhile, Ron whispered to Neville and Jerry:
"Too bad Ted didn't get into Gryffindor."
Jerry whispered back:
"That doesn't stop us from being friends, does it?"
Neville nodded firmly.
The five of them had become each other's first real friends.
Different Houses wouldn't change that.
Hermione glanced toward Ted anxiously.
Once seated, Ted began reflecting.
Ravenclaw.
Becoming a scholar or magical researcher wasn't bad at all.
The name "Ravenclaw" literally meant "the claw of a raven."
Symbolically, it implied a ravenous pursuit of knowledge.
Ravenclaw's creed:
"We come from the lakeside.We are wise and learned.We cherish inquiry.We are different from the ordinary.We see far beyond the horizon.We are Ravenclaw."
"We are scholars cloaked in darkness yet able to see through it.We are ravens who soar through the skies while never forgetting the earth below."
"Thank the ancient Ravenclaw for granting me eyes that perceive the world and a mind that moves swiftly."
Still…
Ravenclaw's presence in the original story hadn't been very strong.
In fact, Ravenclaw herself might have felt rather awkward.
None of the most famous students in the books had belonged to her House.
The Golden Trio, McGonagall, and Dumbledore were all Gryffindors.
Snape and Voldemort came from Slytherin.
If Grindelwald had ever studied at Hogwarts, there was a ten-thousand-percent chance he'd have been sorted into Slytherin.
And the official champion of the Triwizard Tournament, Cedric Diggory, was from Hufflepuff.
A truly embarrassing situation.
Still, Ravenclaw wasn't bad.
Think deeply to understand, understand greatly to seek deeper thought… Ravenclaw…
…Actually, never mind.
Forget that.
"Ding~"
The sound snapped Ted back to attention.
Quest Completed: [The Magical World! (Blue)]
Reward:500 EXPMagic Power +1 LevelRandom Card
Ted clenched his fist, resisting the urge to open the card immediately.
If something strange happened here in the Great Hall, that would be very awkward.
Better wait until tonight.
When no one was around.
This restraint was painfully difficult.
Just then, Professor McGonagall called another name.
"Hermione Granger."
The girl hurried forward and placed the hat on her head.
Hermione was sorted into—
Joke
Harry walked forward and sat on the stool. Professor McGonagall placed the massive Sorting Hat on his head.
"Hmm… very brave… very intelligent… I believe you would do well in Materials Science," the hat said inside Harry's mind.
"Not biochemical engineering! Not biochemical engineering…" Harry chanted desperately in his thoughts.
"Not biochemical engineering? But you could achieve great things there…"
"Since you've made up your mind—CIVIL ENGINEERING HOUSE!"
Harry collapsed onto the floor, his face blank as though his soul had left his body.
The following books were later published:
Harry Potter and the Concrete Stone
Harry Potter and the Project Manager's Office
Harry Potter and the Tower Crane Worker
Harry Potter and the Baijiu Cup
Harry Potter and the Supervision Department
Harry Potter and the Bathhouse Prince
Harry Potter and the Red Safety Bucket of Death