Chapter 77
When night descended, I found myself incapable of returning to Kyle and my bedchamber. The very notion of lying beside him now felt intolerable. I could not.
Instead, I remained in the drawing room, cloaked in silence, adrift in the endless tide of my own despair. The moon hung high, its pale light spilling through the tall windows like judgment incarnate, bathing me in silver I did not deserve.
The door clicked open.
Kyle stood at the threshold, still damp from a recent bath. He entered slowly, uncertainly, his face tinged with a flush. His fingers fumbled together at his waist, his gaze darting around the room, anywhere but me.
My heart sank.
I knew that manner of approach. He wished for intimacy.
But how could I offer him such a thing? How could I feign warmth after what had passed between Millicent and me? My body recoiled at the very thought, my soul cried out in protest. The idea of him atop me, of his breath against my skin, now stirred something so base and revolting within me that I could scarcely endure the shame of it.
I hated myself for it.
The guilt wrapped its hands around my throat once more.
"I-I'm clean," he said awkwardly. "Um, you see… uh…"
"Kyle," I interrupted softly, trying to steady the storm in my chest.
"Yes, love?" he asked hopefully.
"May I ask for some time…?"
He shifted, shoulders stiffening. "I heard ya last night. It was the first time I heard you… enjoy it. I-I want to have that with you too. I promise it won't be quick this time. I think… I think you like it longer."
My stomach turned.
Yes, I had enjoyed it, in a way he could never fathom.
"Excuse me, Mr. Woodstone."
I turned and found Laura standing behind him. Laura?
Kyle stepped aside, visibly confused, and she entered.
I hadn't summoned her?
Ah, of course. Isaac. He must have informed her.
"Your Ladyship," she said with a slight incline of her head, "there are documents requiring your attention. Their deadlines are fast approaching and cannot be further delayed."
My heart trembled, guilt and relief crashing into each other like bitter rivals. Laura had, unintentionally or not, thrown me a lifeline.
I rose at once, clutching my cane. "I shall be working late tonight with Laura," I said briskly, almost too fast. "Kyle, please rest."
Without giving him time to answer, I took Laura by the arm and led her from the room. For if I lingered even a moment longer, the weight of my guilt would surely bury me.
By the time we reached my study, I could no longer keep the weight inside me contained. I all but shoved Laura through the threshold, stepped in behind her, and slammed the door with a sharp crack that echoed.
I braced myself against the door with my free hand, trembling.
"My Lady…" she said gently, her voice soft. Her fingers found mine and held them with the familiarity of someone who had known me before the world had turned so vile.
My Lady.
Not Your Ladyship, but My Lady.
Just like before.
Something inside me crumpled.
Laura was still here. After everything. After all these years.
My knees buckled, and I slid to the floor. She sank down beside me without hesitation, skirts pooling as if she had done so a thousand times before.
"My Lady," she whispered again.
"I…" My voice cracked. "Laura, it is quite alright to judge me. I would judge me. I know I am not a good person."
She wrapped her arms around me, steady and warm.
"There are no good people in this world," she murmured. "Circumstance shapes us. The world forces us to become what it needs, rarely what we wish to be."
"I do not love him," I confessed. "But I… I care for him, like one might care for a relative, perhaps. I have never loved him."
Laura only held me tighter.
"I was not happy with him, not really. But I was fine. Everything was manageable. Until I saw her again." A sob slipped from my lips. "But he saved me, Laura. When I was cast aside like refuse, he found me. He pulled me from death. And I-"
I choked on the words. "I betrayed him."
Laura pulled back just slightly, her brows gently knitting together. "What do you mean, My Lady?" Her voice was cautious, confused.
I looked at her through blurred vision, too far gone to censor the flood. "Annette Vaneeri imprisoned me in a cottage. She waited until I bore my child. Then she took my son and killed Dr. Barly. Once she was finished with me, she ordered her men to take me to Zalvanica. They left me there. In the forest. Like an animal."
My throat constricted. "I would have died, Laura. I was going to die. And then Kyle appeared. Just… appeared. He saved me. I had no one. Nowhere to go. And so I stayed. I stayed with him. He took care of me. And I-"
I swallowed hard.
"I betrayed him."
The words poured from me, one after the other. In my sorrow, in my agony, in the torment of guilt and the ghosts of everything I had lost, I could not stop myself. The words I had intended to keep buried deep within me spilled out recklessly.
Laura's eyes narrowed.
I had said too much.
"Rise," Laura said firmly, gently helping me back onto unsteady feet. "We are going to Her Grace."
"No, Laura!" I shook my head swiftly, panic surging up my spine. "You must not. That would only tangle the matter further. It is over between us. There is nothing to be gained by dragging her into this misery."
"You-"
"Please, Laura. I beg you."
She fell silent, her expression unreadable, but the tension in her posture betrayed her thoughts. At last, she exhaled. "As you wish."
I sank once more to the cold floor, as though gravity had claimed me in full, and without a word, Laura joined me. We sat in the dim hush of the study, cloaked in silence, the moonlight painting long shadows across the floor. My left hand remained clasped in hers.
The clock ticked onward.
When the hour struck one, Laura finally broke the silence.
"Remember this, My Lady. Just because he saved you, does not mean you owe him the rest of your life. Compassion is not the same as obligation, and gratitude is not a chain."
The words struck me with precision, slipping beneath skin and bone.
She rose and extended a hand. "Come. Let us work. Labor shall give the mind something else to dwell upon."
I nodded with eagerness. Work be salvation.
As we crossed to my desk, Laura spoke again, her tone calm, but edged with curiosity. "One question, if I may. I find it peculiar that Mr. Woodstone would seek intimacy after the events of last night. He begged you not to leave him, should he not have granted you space to collect yourself rather than pursue carnal reassurance?"
I paused. "Kyle sustained a head injury some time ago. Since then, his ability to reason has frayed. He does not always perceive situations as others would. I believe it's worsening. I shall have a physician examine him."
Laura said nothing in response.