The next day, Miia and I were hanging laundry outside in the backyard. The sun was warm, sheets flapping gently in the breeze. Miia hummed happily as she pinned up a towel with her tail-tip.
"Miia, you seem happy?"
"Well, of course I'm happy!" she chirped, eyes sparkling. "The way you stood up for me yesterday…"
She trailed off, cheeks flushing as she drifted into one of her classic daydreams. In her mind's eye I appeared as a tall, chiseled hunk, muscles gleaming under dramatic lighting, wind tousling my hair, roses blooming in the frame corners. Slow-motion heroic pose. I declared in a deep, echoing voice: "Anyone who touches MY Miia will answer to me!" She swooned, tail swaying dreamily.
I blinked, confused. "When did I say any of that?"
"And the same for you, Darling, no one will harm you!" she finished, snapping back with a fierce little nod.
Yeah, right now I'm more worried about you harming me.
Suddenly, strong talons gripped my shoulders from above. Wings beat furiously, feathers everywhere, as I was yanked skyward.
"Wha-?!"
I was airborne. The ground shrank fast as a petite harpy girl carried me higher, giggling the whole way. She deposited me unceremoniously on a thick tree branch in the nearby park.
"Where am I? Who are you?" I asked, clinging to the bark.
"Hi! I'm Harpy the puppy? No, that's not right. Puppy the hoppy? Hm, sounds wrong too." She tilted her head, light blue hair and wings ruffling in confusion.
I sighed. "You're Papi the harpy?"
Her brown eyes gleamed happily. "Oh my, you know me already, Master?!"
Master? Where did that come from?
"So, where's your host family? You can't be out without one."
"I know! That's why I asked you to come!"
"You mean kidnap m- hey, don't avert your eyes. I'm talking to y-"
"Oooh, what's that truck? Is that food?!" Her attention snapped to an ice cream truck rolling by. Before I could protest, she scooped me up again and dropped me 15 feet straight down.
I hit the grass hard and rolled, groaning. I somehow survived. Plot armor strikes again.
Papi landed beside me, already in line. The truck guy eyed her wings, then me. "Two ice creams, please."
Assuming I was her master, he cheerfully handed them over. Papi devoured hers messily, vanilla dripping down her chin. I guess harpies can eat ice cream?
"Man, it's hard to memorize the laws of the Inner Sleezy Deranged Hill," she mumbled through a mouthful.
"You mean the Inter-Species Exchange Bill!"
"Yeah, that stuff's hard for me. So I waited until the Terminator wasn't looking and escaped."
"You mean coordinator!" I muttered. Actually, Terminator fits Ms. Smith just fine.
"Well, I ran away, even though they said if they caught me again, I'd be invested and deposited!"
"Huh? I think they said arrested and deported! You're a runaway fugitive!"
I looked over. Papi was gone. Then I spotted her: splashing happily in the park fountain, fully clothed at first, but then stripping down completely, mistaking it for a giant birdbath. Wings flapping water everywhere. People stared.
"Whoa, uh." Okay, she doesn't get out much, and she's bird-brained, but surely she knows public nudity isn't right!
She dragged me in by the talons. Water splashed. Her foot pushed my head underwater for a good while. Bubbles rose. Lungs burned. I flailed, vision darkening.
Then an ominous aura hit, even while I was submerged, I felt it. Bad news.
"You dare sweep Darling off his feet and elope with him?!"
Yep. Miia's voice. This is bad. By the way, where did the elope come from?
Her tail wrapped around my neck, oh god why always the neck, and yanked me out roughly. Water streamed off me as I gasped.
"You take Darling away; I'll punch you right in the beak!"
She flung me aside. I hit the fountain edge painfully, coughing for air.
"Oh yeah? Take these claws!"
I staggered up gasping for air, only to catch sharp talons raking across my face. They weren't even fighting each other. It was all me taking the hits!
A child's cry echoed from a nearby tree. A little girl stuck up there, clutching her balloon, too scared to climb down.
Miia rushed over, slithering up the trunk. "I'll show Darling my skills and save the day! Darling will say, 'Miia, your bravery shows no bounds!' Haha!"
The girl screamed at the sight of the giant snake tail, lost her grip, and fell.
Papi dove to catch her but wasn't ready. I looked up just in time to see Papi plummeting, butt-first, right onto my face. SMASH. Cement met skull.
"You saved me!" Papi exclaimed to my writhing body.
"Good job saving the kid," I croaked in a dying voice, lifting a shaky thumbs-up.
Great. I really should sign up for daily chiropractors. Maybe hourly at this rate.
A bike cop rolled up. "Was there a stuck girl in a tree?"
I patted both Papi's and Miia's heads weakly. "There was, but she's safe now, thanks to both of them."
"I assume you're the host of these two." Uh-oh. Papi's a stray runaway. She had no ID.
"Yes, I am the host of these two!" I said confidently, pulling out Miia's ID. "Here's Miia's, and Papi's is-"
I patted my pocket, stalling.
"Oh, Darling, you dropped it on the ground." Ms. Smith appeared from somewhere. She held up Papi's ID with a smirk.
I snatched it without reading. "Here's Papi's ID!"
"Okay, both look legit. Both say Jeff is the host. Thanks."
"Yeah thanks." Wait, what? I glanced down. Ms. Smith had already "updated" it! She stuck her tongue out playfully.
Later we're at home, and Ms. Smith sat on the couch. I did my best to interrogate her, but let's face the truth. My boyish face isn't scaring anybody.
"Well, Darling," she teased, "Papi runs off so frequently, I had no choice but to force, ahem, ask you to be her host!"
No, you clearly meant force.
"So Master's my Master?!" Papi beamed, talons gripping my shoulders.
"Yes, do everything he says," Ms. Smith said sweetly.
Papi tugged me toward the bathroom. "Master, we never finished our bath!"
Ms. Smith watched her drag me to the bathroom. "I'm surprised, Miia, you didn't stop her?"
Miia scoffed playfully. "Oh, c'mon, I'm not worried about a little kid!"
Ms. Smith looked bemused. "I should inform you," she said teasingly yet truthfully, "Papi is 22, same age as you. Harpies don't get big so they can fly, which makes them look younger."
She giggled, not caring that Miia left before she was finishing her sentence. She took a slow, teasing sip of the coffee.
Miia's eyes widened in horror. She rushed to the bathroom, smashed the unlocked door open with brute force. Door slammed into me hard. Then her tail coiled around the doorframe, crushing me against it, as Miia's full weight crushed me under door, while Miia was squeezing.
"There will be none of that! I'll wash Papi myself!"
Ms. Smith giggled, getting to see perfectly Miia crushing my flattened state. She takes another sip of coffee. "Poor Darling!" she cooed, teasing my dying expression.