I was not sure why I kept thinking about him. Lucas. The way he looked at me and the strength in his presence made my chest feel tight without warning. On my second day it was hard to stop thinking about him and hard to ignore the pull I felt towards him. Every time I did I felt guilty. Mom. Lily. The life I had to protect. This attraction, this tension, was a distraction I could not afford.
After work I walked through the streets near our apartment with my bag heavy on my shoulder and my mind even heavier. The city lights blurred as I tried to shake the thoughts of Lucas from my head. I had to focus. I had to survive.. My body betrayed me. My heart beat faster at the memory of his touch the way he leaned close in the office, his hand brushing against mine as he showed me what to do.
When I reached my apartment the quiet hum of the building greeted me. Mom was asleep in the living room curled up in her chair, the blanket wrapped tight around her. I tiptoed past her not wanting to wake her and sank into the sofa letting out a breath. I tried to push Lucas from my mind. When I closed my eyes I could see him again.
"Rough day?" Nadia, my friend asked. She was leaning against the doorway with her arms crossed, a look in her eyes.
"You scared me " I said, trying to sound lighter than I felt.
Nadia. Walked closer sitting down beside me on the sofa. "You have been quiet lately.. I know that look."
I groaned, covering my face with my hands. "I do not know why I keep thinking about him, " I admitted, my voice small. "Nadia is wrong Nadia. I should not. I can not. He is Lucas Vale.. I am just me. I have responsibilities. My family depends on me."
"You are scared, " Nadia said softly. She put a hand on my shoulder. "That is all. He is intimidating.. Feeling something does not make you weak."
I shook my head and a laugh escaped me. "It feels wrong.. It feels dangerous. Everything about him feels impossible. I am not supposed to feel this way."
Nadia leaned back studying me. "You always put others first. Mom. Lily. That is good.. Sometimes you forget about yourself. You forget that you have feelings, needs, desires. You can not ignore them forever."
I swallowed hard trying to push down the emotions her words stirred. I wanted to be strong. I needed to be strong.. I wanted to admit that there was a pull, a longing, something that made me feel alive and scared at the same time.
"I know you are right, " I whispered. ". It is complicated.. I do not know if I am ready for anything like this."
"Nothing stays simple Mira, " Nadia said quietly. ". Sometimes the things that scare you are the things you need."
Her words stayed with me, making me feel raw and exposed. I hugged my knees to my chest. Stared at the carpet.
"I am scared, " I admitted. The words were barely audible. Saying them out loud made them real. "I am scared I will mess everything up. That I will lose control."
Nadia's hand tightened on my shoulder. "Then be careful.. Do not stop living. You can take care of your family. Still take care of yourself."
I nodded, trying to let her words sink in.. I knew the tension would not disappear. It was already there under my skin making my heart beat faster whenever I thought of Lucas.. I knew that once I was, near him again there would be no turning back.
The night went on. I checked on Mom one time before bed seeing her chest rise and fall in the quiet light. Lily was already asleep not knowing the weight pressing down on me. I climbed into bed. Hugged my pillow thinking of the city outside the office waiting for me tomorrow and Lucas Vale, whose presence seemed to stay in my mind.
Nadia was right. Life would not stay simple.. I was not sure I wanted it to. The danger, the pull, the tension. It was all so intoxicating, terrifying and hard to ignore.
Deep down I knew this was only the beginning.