12 / 14 / 2014
There is a charm to fast food restaurants that rich people restaurants don't really have. Sure, you could always go for a Caesar's salad or a fine t-bone steak at some place with a French name, but there's something raw to sinking your teeth into a burger and trying to get all the sesame seeds out of your teeth with your tongue. There's something satisfying about sucking all the oils out of a french fry before mashing it to bits with your back teeth.
It's youthful and childish and my father definitely isn't a big fan of it, but he doesn't know I'm in Big Bang Burger at the moment, about to hang out with a girl.
"W-would you like me to take your order, sir?"
And this girl is surprised that I've come about thirty minutes early. "I'd like a cheeseburger. Nothing more, nothing less."
She is blinking at me and she is angry and embarrassed and stunned, and for some reason I like the expression she's putting on. Her face is red because she's wearing a yellow shirt with a thigh-length brown skirt and a sailor's hat and I realize that it's the first time I'm seeing her without her scarf on. Though she looks incomplete without the scarf, I am impressed how she manages to pull off such a cheesy-looking uniform.
And it's nice to be able to see her lower jaw. It's soft.
She then lowers her head and whispers, her face blazing red again, "What are you doing here now thirty minutes early you weren't supposed to —"
"Thought it'd be interesting," I say, sipping a cup of water.
"Is that your excuse for everything?" she rushes out, sounding like she wants to throttle me here and now.
"Pretty much, yeah." She's unamused. "What? I was supposed to've come here later, anyway. The only difference is you're wearing your uniform."
"Do you know how embarrassing this thing is!?" she pinches at the hem of her yellow shirt, like it's an alien life form trying to absorb her into itself. "I hate yellow! I look like a mustard bottle! I was supposed to have changed by the time you arrived —!"
"You don't look half bad, you know."
She doesn't respond for a second. She turns her back to me, feeling her cheeks, then she turns back
and stammers, "Y-you really think so...?"
Then there is another girl who comes in, someone who has orange hair (most likely dyed), and she is smiling rather strangely at the both of us. The moment I see her I pull the grey hood I've brought with me over my head and the girl with the orange hair heads over to Kana and taps her on the shoulder.
Kana is shocked at the girl's untimely arrival, dropping the notebook she's had with her since the moment she asked for my order. Kana stammers, "M-Mitsuko?"
The girl with the orange hair looks at me, and though her eyes are on me her body is facing Kana, and she asks, "Is this the guy?"
At that Kana burns red and she is stammering again and she tells this Mitsuko girl to can it for some reason, trying to keep her eyes away from mine and suddenly becoming all jittery and nervous.
Though I am amused at the sight of her floundering about, I am at the same time concerned. She is flustered, but at the same time perhaps I may have overstepped a few boundaries in coming here so early.
Kana shoves the girl in the backroom and I sit in my chair and I look at the clock. It is 11:45 AM.
Maybe I did step a little over the line. Caught her off-guard, at the place she works at. But she really does look good in yellow. She's always looked good, no mtter what she'd wear. But she's not just looks; she's devoted and she's determined and even though she used to be more'n a little irresponsible she's now trying to do something right. And I can respect that, really.
Perhaps she didn't deserve me coming in here all smug. Even though I didn't know she'd have reacted this way, having me see her in her uniform, I knew coming here would've jolted her to at least some degree. Even though I didn't expect her to have taken it as much as she did...perhaps it'd be best for me to apologize.
When she comes around, that is.
Though by the time she does come around, about thirty minutes later, I'm not amused or apologetic anymore.
"Thank you, sir, for participating in the Big Bang Challenge."
She is still wearing that yellow shirt and that sailor hat and that short brown skirt as she plops a gigantic burger down before my eyes. The burger is as large as a Volkswagen tire and it's got lettuces and tomatoes and an inordinate amount of patties filling the space between the upper and lower buns. Kana is smiling at me as she takes the sailor hat off and she makes her way to the back.
I smirk at the back of her head, as she just always finds a way to surprise me. So I get to digging into the massive burger, willing to accept my punishment and at the same time show her up.
.
.
.
She is just stunned, amazed, bewildered.
She's wearing civilian clothes now; green hoodie, blue jeans, that same red scarf, and she isn't saying a word at the moment. I am wiping my mouth with a napkin as she just continues staring at me like I'm not even human in her eyes.
"You...you ate it..."
"Mm."
"All of it...before I could even change out of my uniform..."
"Pretty much."
"How...? Nobody who's ever come in here has even managed halfway through..."
"It's not very difficult, really," I say. "Patience. A wide mouth. Twenty chews per piece. All that...and I forgot to eat breakfast."
Kana blinks, burying her head again into her scarf. "You keep on finding ways to one-up me..."
"Now, then. What've you got in mind?"
"There're a lot of arcades around here. We could start from there, if you'd like."
I blink, "Didn't know you were into that kinda thing..."
"Mostly just stress relief," she says. "I'm a pro at Gun About."
"Frankly, never played around with arcade games. Just not my thing."
"What do you do for fun...?" she exclaims, practically bursting with disbelief.
"I read. Look up stuff on politics here and there. Watch TV every now and again. And that's about it. We've been over this, haven't we?"
"You're impossibly boring."
"Big tragedy. But I'm not averse to the idea of just horsing around in an arcade," I say, getting up from my seat. "Who knows? Might be fun."
"If it helps you broaden your horizons, then let's be off!" she says, rising from her own seat. "Maybe now you'll find something a little more interesting than books..."
"Nothing's more interesting than a good book," I tell her. "You ever read Orwell?"
"Who?" she asks as we walk out the door.
"Search up 1984, by George Orwell," I tell her as we calmly make our stride along the sidewalk. "You won't be disappointed."
.
.
.
By the time we finish the arcades we go to a few more restaurants and a couple of drink stands. Our talks oscillate between worries about grades and about our family members or about the annoying things Kana's friends do.
Before we know it we're in the middle of Shibuya, people passing us by as we sit on a little bench. Hundreds of people, not knowing a thing about either of us.
Eventually she tells me, "So Mom got a new job about a week ago."
"Is it good?"
"Financial manager sounds kick-ass, don't it?"
My eyes widen. "That's not bad at all. How...?"
"A buncha people she'd sent her resume to months ago decided to finally respond just before our latest batch of exams. Lucky her, her line of work impressed them enough."
"That sounds great!" I smile.
"I'm a little anxious, though."
"How come?"
"Well...she's not exactly lining herself up with the best people."
I narrow my eyes. "Who's she working for?"
"Some business person. You've heard of Masayoshi Shido, right?"
I recall a bald man with glasses tinted orange. I'd seen his face in articles, but never really heard much about him. No news on his origins, his family, his educational background. But he's spoken with my father. Enough such that I'd see Dad looking like he wants to rip his hair out of his head pretty much every night, after their meetings.
"Him?"
"You know him?"
I shake my head. "Shido's been in talks with the Nanjo Group fairly recently. Not exactly the best business partner, apparently."
"Makes you say that?"
"Guy's got a big ego, so says my Dad," I shrug. "Thinks he's on par with Shinzo Abe when really Abe prolly doesn't even know he exists."
"You're joking."
"Dad likes to make quips about people, so he might've been exaggerating. But hell. Dad never gets pissed or annoyed at anyone. So this Shido guy must be a real catch..."
She rubs her left hand up her right arm. "Guy makes me uncomfortable."
"Why?"
"He...," she rubs the back of her neck. "I dunno. Mom says he...looks at her funny, from time to time."
"God," I shake my head. "Often?"
"Often enough," she groans, "way Mom tells it, he stays an extra few seconds to like, leer. Like, he leans over her while she works to check on her progress and how is he supposed to be a good politician if he's such a bad liar?"
"If he makes you guys uncomfortable, maybe she should quit-"
"She just got this job, though."
"Yeah, and her boss is a creep."
"Are there any openings in the Nanjo Group for a financial advisor?"
I narrow my eyes at her. I scratch my head. "Honestly, dunno. Though I'm pretty sure Dad and Nanjo already got people working on their finances for 'em."
"Figured," she sighs. "Mom doesn't really wanna quit, either. And it's not even just Shido, she gets men from all over just eyeballing her, she feels like she can't even concentrate on her work sometimes. She's been frustrated and annoyed and irritated but she puts up with it and it's all so-"
"Calm down."
"Don't tell me to calm down!" I let her simmer and stay silent. She turns away. "I'm sorry."
"No, it's...," I tap her on the shoulder, and she turns to face me again. "Hey. Don't..."
"I just want Mom to be okay," she sighs. "She's just, she's worked so hard to keep me and Masako safe. She doesn't deserve this. Nobody deserves this."
And I look at her, and she looks so sad. But.
Since when did we ever get what we deserved? "You talk like this is your fault." She doesn't respond. She won't even face me. "Do you think this is your fault...?"
"I mean..."
"Hey," I turn her face to me, "do you think any of this is your fault?"
"Whose else could it be...?" she whispers, the kind of whisper you make when you hope they don't hear you but you've just gotta let it out.
"Blaming yourself won't help this at all."
"Maybe I should've blamed myself more. Maybe none of this would've happened if I'd just..."
"Just what?"
"You know, sometimes I think Masako deserves a better mom than me."
And I don't know how to deal with that. All so suddenly. "Where's this coming from...?"
"It's nothing-"
"Hey, you don't just spring that on me outta nowhere and expect me to let it die all of a sudden."
She groans like she's tired of hearing my voice, "I don't think you'd get it."
"Kana," I say firmly, "I've been with you, working with you for the past few months now. I chose to help you out, not that you owe me anything. But if you think that I won't care or even at least try to understand your problems when you bring them up...what kind of man do you think I am?"
"The kind that-" and she stops herself. There's an anger in her eyes that she lets subside. Her hard- edged face turns soft as she sinks back into the bench. "I feel horrible."
"You're going through a lot. This thing with your Mom, and Shido. It's crazy. Neither of us can figure out a solution right now, but we will. And if we won't, your Mom almost certainly will. And we or she will do it, but it won't happen if you keep blaming yourself for it."
And she looks at me, tired and impassive, almost like she doesn't believe a word I say.
I'm reminded of that first day where she kicked my books outta my hands. She'd hounded me till I said I'd help her with her books and not once did I renege on that promise.
I remember that I chose to help her. That I, at any time, could have just up and left her and Masako behind. But I didn't and I won't and I don't want to. Because I don't like the idea of leaving mothers and their children alone in their hour of need, because I don't like the idea of abandoning her, because I don't like the idea of not being with her.
And I don't know why I don't like that idea.
I don't know why I had fun, reading Masako The Little Prince. I don't know why she's willing to hang out with someone as impossibly boring as I am, either.
What compelled her to want to be with me now? What compelled me to want to stay? What compels me to want something more?
She sighs, her thigh buzzing, "Hold on...got a new text."
"Sure, sure."
She unlocks her phone and sees what's on her screen. Her eyes widen and she says not a thing. I squint at her, wondering what she's looking at to make her look so pale. Then my thoughts go to cold hard logic and all at once I am terrified.
I look at the text with her. It is from Kana's mother. It is about Masako.
.
.
.
When we buy the medicine neither of us talk and neither of us want to talk. We barely even exchange glances the whole time as we storm through every aisle in search of meds for babies. We also buy several bags of junk food and multiple cup ramen packs from the place because we know that what awaits us is a long series of days where we'll end up doing nothing but staring at a little person in a little bed.
The ensuing train ride, we are sitting next to each other. I am looking out the window, holding the plastic bag of medicines in my hand while she carries all the food she's gonna gorge herself on in the coming days. Her face is being buried into her scarf as she lowers her head till all I can see not obscured by red are her green eyes, shrouded mostly in the black of her hair.
She doesn't budge an inch from her seat; her shoulders don't tremble, her eyes don't tear up, she doesn't just flat-out burst into unrelenting sobs, she's just sitting there, staring at the corrugated steel of the train floor like it wronged her in some way.
Kana tells me about how Masako was so sickly when she was born all the way back in Nagoya. Tells me about how Masako was once was treated by a doctor who would constantly demand her to stay longer hours in the hospital and in turn, demanded more money from her family. Kana speaks of how her mother and her father would work 'round the clock just to get enough money to take care of Masako but they would always just end up getting small bits of cash. Kana speaks of how the rumors started about her being easy because she went after the wrong guy, and how the rumors kept on spreading around and she couldn't do a thing but take it.
She is not crying and she is not enraged as she continues vomiting out words, she is just tired. She is breathing heavily once she finishes her spiel, though, and immediately apologizes for dumping all of this on me, admits that she just needs someone to talk to, tells me that I can just go back home once we reach the next station and she says that knowing she actually wants me to keep on staying next to her, like this.
So I tell her, "I'll come with you, to the hospital."
Kana does not speak for a few moments.
But then she says, "Don't. I've already burdened you with enough as it is. So much of your time's been wasted on me already."
I scoff at her, "You're assuming you're actually burdening me with something."
"Kazuya," she grunts out, "you don't have to do this if you don't want to."
I eye her carefully. "What if I want to?"
"You do?"
"What if I do?"
"Are you just forcing yourself?" she asks.
"What are you saying?"
"I-I know you don't like wasting time, this isn't what you bargained for when I asked you to hang out, you don't have to—"
"What if I really, really want to?"
She says something I don't really understand because she's whispering it so quietly but then she repeats herself— "You're not forcing yourself, are you sure?"
"Why would you think I am? Now?"
"I don't know, I don't know," she grunts. "I just I can never tell with you, you always have some sort of quip and you get all evasive when I ask why you're helping me and my family and you're nice and I don't know if that niceness is real or not sometimes but I just I don't know, I don't know, I don't know a lot of things, I don't know when you're gonna leave—"
"I am not going to leave you. Because I don't like the idea of leaving someone behind when the
stakes are as high as they are with you. Because I like being with you, and I consider you a very good friend. Because in the end, I've already gotten myself into this with you and I don't want to leave it as it is. I am not going to leave you, because I choose not to."
Kana doesn't say anything after that.
Our hands are just barely touching. Her pinky finger is on mine and both of us know it, yet neither of us are willing to do more than just let ourselves remain there, as we are. Neither of us are looking at each other now because we both also know that the moment we catch the whites of the other's eyes, we'll just unload everything and anything that comes off the top of our heads and by the end of it we'll just drown into the other.
Neither of us speaks again, not until the train reaches the next station.
.
.
.
Masako, thankfully, just has a cold.
Apparently she gets these a lot, thanks to a still-underdeveloped immune system. But she's a fighter; doctor said she'd get better in about three or so days if she gets all the medicine she's been assigned at exactly the right number of hours away from each other. She's able to stand and laugh and look at us, so we're inclined to believe him. And all that drama Kana and I shared in that train car? That was just us overreacting.
But it wasn't unwarranted. After all, the very idea of Masako being sick is enough to get us both scared to the bone. In our fear we both just bought a bunch of medicines and junk foods on impulse, fearing the absolute worst from the vague text of Masako's sick and needs to be brought to the hospital. That got a good laugh out of Kana's mother.
But Kana and I haven't really spoken much since that little talk of ours in the train car, days ago. And perhaps we should. Every time my eyes meet hers, she averts her gaze. But every time I'm not looking at her, I can feel her eyes on the back of my head. What she could be thinking, I am unaware. Why this matters to me so much, I am unaware. But all I know is that I don't like the idea of not being able to talk to her again. Not when we're so close, not when we're taking care of the same child.
Not when I've got this unseasonable heat in my neck whenever she's near me, not when the sight of her hands stirs something in me that makes me want to hold them, not when the sight of anything red just blares the word scarf in my head.
Not when I just want to be able to talk to her like a regular human being again.
But now is not the time. "Now, the Fox and the Prince cared for each other immensely."
Masako is reading the book intently, sitting right in my lap as I point to every important word and every important image. She is so taken by the sight of the book you'd never even think she's sick. The way her eyes move with the pages, the way her voice mewls every time she tries to repeat what I'm saying. She's an intelligent child and it'd be a waste if any sickness she gets will eventually stunt her growth.
It is raining outside. It is raining hard. But that's a good thing. This is the perfect atmosphere for reading a good book like this one.
"The Fox and the Prince didn't know each other at first," I tell her. "To the Fox, the Prince was just a little boy like a thousand other little boys. To the Prince, the Fox was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But now that the Prince has tamed the Fox, they need each other. To each other, they are unique in all the world."
Masako looks up at me before looking back at the book and nodding, as though affirming what I've just told her.
Kana is by the door and she is watching the scene unfold. She says nothing and does nothing but stand there with folded arms and an expression I can't read at all on her face.
"But now that the Prince has to leave, the Fox can't help but feel sad. As the Prince looks upon the many roses he's encountered throughout his journey, he realizes that in the end, they do not matter. Do you know why?"
Masako shakes her head, staring deeply into the paper.
"Because the Rose he'd left behind on Asteroid-B612 was his Rose," I say. "It is the time he wasted on her that makes her so precious to him. No other rose can fill in her place in his heart."
Masako tilts her head as she grips the sides of the book herself. Surprised for just a second, I decide to allow her to hold it as I continue reading to her.
"So now, that the Prince must leave, must see his Rose once more, the Fox gifts him with one secret, a very simple secret," and I point out the words to her as I read them aloud: "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."
Kana looks at the clock on the wall; only thirty minutes till Masako takes her next batch of medicines. Masako's reading the book and she doesn't look like she wants to put it down. Though she shouldn't be able to read much, her eyes go from one word to the next like mine do, her breathing calms like mine does when I read, her lips purse and she becomes a mouth-breather like I do when I'm engrossed in a good story.
I turn to Kana and immediately her face reddens as she buries herself into her scarf. I raise my brow at her, and she finds it in herself to look at me. I see the blood pooled in her cheeks and I can't help but think she looks even more beautiful than she normally does with a rosy glow to her face.
.
.
.
12 / 6 / 2014
Masako, after taking her last batch of meds, is tucked away in the crib and sleeps the moment Kana lays her down. Kana doesn't look at me as she whispers, "Downstairs."
I nod shortly after, taking one last look at a sleeping Masako as Kana shuts the lights and gestures out the door. I leave the room with her, and we both take a quiet walk down to Kana's living room. Her face is red and I realize that mine is as well, because we're by each other's sides and that last conversation we had in the train took a little turn for the dramatic.
I am thinking about the implications of what I've said. Though I don't regret saying any of it, I can't help but feel as though that I've said too little. That there's so much more I could say and should say. But I don't know why I feel compelled to speak so many more words.
But when she sits down on the couch of her living room and she looks at me with those blazing yet exhausted green eyes of hers, when she lowers her head into her scarf but continues looking at me the way she does, when she leans in the cushion of her couch and drifts pieces of hair away from her face I begin to articulate just what I feel towards her and eventually the words come popping up in my brain.
And, like a switch has turned off my filter, I decide to say outright, "I think I like you."
Her eyes are wide but her breaths are still and she keeps her mouth shut. Her face reddens even more than it already has, and her hands grip at her skirt for a little before she lets go of the hem. She takes in a deep breath as she stammers for a little before coming out with a shaky, "Are you sure?"
I look at her again. Look down at her feet and work my way up to her face. I then purse my lips and nod, "I am."
"You can't be sure about that," she says. "Nobody's ever sure about that."
"Well. I like hanging out with you. I like spending time with you. I am concerned with what happens to you and your family. I do not like the idea of seeing you sad. And..."
"And what?" she asks, my sudden silence alien to her.
I rub the back of my head, "I'm not...opposed to the idea of us in a relationship."
She shakes her head and sighs, "It's not that simple."
"Of course I don't think it's simple," I say to her. "That's why I think what I feel is—"
"You've spent barely any time with me outside of this house," she says. "We only hung out once, and even that was cut short 'cause of what happened with Masako. We spend time studying, and most of that time we spend horsing around, sure, but I—I don't know if —I don't know if that really even can count."
"Count as what?"
"Count as—" she runs her hand through her hair, "what do you know about me? Like, what do I like, what do I dislike, what shows do I watch, what's my favorite color, do you even know any of those things?"
"I'd like to," I tell her. "We've not spoken about those things, but I'd like to, when we get to them. There's much about myself you don't know, either."
"Then why do you like me?" she asks.
"You are yourself, and that's fine with me," I say.
"That can't be—" she groans, "this isn't like, some story. This isn't some stupid love story, this isn't like The Little Prince, essential-invisible-eye nonsense, it's a stupid kid asking a smart kid to help her out with her life and dragging him into a mess of a life—"
"You're not stupid," I say to her.
"I'm not!?" she suddenly exclaims, before breathing and lowering her tone. "Look at this. I can barely help my family in financial situations 'cause I've had a kid, I make attendance in school by the skin of my teeth, I fail quizzes, I can't even study on my own, I can't even read a book to my kid without someone else helping me and you don't think any of this is a mess? You don't think any of this is stupid in the slightest? You don't think I'm stupid? What do you even think will happen, you getting together with me?"
I don't look at her as I answer simply, "I don't know."
"See?"
"But hey. Like you said…it can't hurt to give things a shot, right?"
"Oh my—" she holds her head in her hands. "You can't be serious—I have a kid. We can't—I need to—"
"I hang at your place pretty much every week," I say. "You need an extra hand in taking care of Masako when the going gets tough. And I'm willing to help. I enjoy being with you, no matter the time or the place."
"But —but why?" she asks. "I'm serious, I don't know what you could possibly see in any of this —"
"I'm not seeing any of this, I'm seeing you."
"Well, what do you see in me? What's so special about me?"
"But that's the point. You're the only one of yourself."
"What are you saying?"
"There may be people like you, but they're not you. I've been with you. I've eaten food with you, I've studied with you, I've taken care of children with you, I've gone places with you I've never been to before and I don't want to go to those places with anyone else because I want to go to them with you. And I want to go to many other places, I want to do a lot of other things, I want to be more than just a friend to you because I just—I like you. And all those times we've shared, whether we're hanging out or studying or reading books to Masako, they can't be replicated by anyone else and I wouldn't treasure them the same way I do with you."
She buries her head into her scarf as she finds herself unable to say much more. She leans into her seat again, pressing herself further into the cushion, as she asks me, "I'm a curse. Why would you want to be with me?"
"A curse...?" I ask her.
"Never mind, I—" she stares at me and she stops speaking and she looks into her scarf again and she can't form words for just a little moment until she comes out with, "what would your father think?"
"When we had the talk he told me he was willing to let me choose my girlfriend for myself. I've not been wedded to anybody, I've not even had a girlfriend before; never been interested," face turns red, "'til now."
Kana asks then, "What about the people at school, what'll they think if they see you and me dating and hanging around each other and, and your Dad—?"
"If I cared about what they thought of me, I'd never have agreed to help you study."
"This isn't gonna work, I mean—your Dad especially's prolly gonna flip—"
She still doesn't look at me. She doesn't wanna say anything more. So I say the most hard-hitting thing of all. "You're not a burden. Not on anyone."
"I can't even read a book to my kid. I can't even be there for her when she needs me to take care of her. I had her because I wanted to raise her and I can't even do that right. I still need my Mom, I still need you, I still need so many people and I know that all I'm doing is dragging them down in the dirt with me and I can't do anything else because I'm so useless-"
"We chose to help you," I say to her. "You asked us, remember? And we accepted. Your Mom agreed to help, I agreed to help, and we could have all said no at any time but we kept at it because we cared about you and Masako. If you were a burden, I would have never decided to continue helping you study. I would never have accepted your invitation to hang out at Ginza. I would never have read Masako The Little Prince."
I then turn away from her. And I say, "You and Masako are special to me. I wouldn't trade either of you in for anyone else."
At that, I hear a chuckle. I turn back to her, and I see her wiping her eyes, continuing to make little bursts of laughter. "And you're telling me you've never had a girlfriend up until now?" she asks while furiously rubbing at mildly wet eyes.
I blush at her. Averting my gaze again. "Th-that could change, depending on if you...y'know..."
She chuckles again, her voice shaky as her nose clogs up and her eyes start to dry, "I think...I don't think...," I turn back to her as she removes her hands from her eyes, her red-green eyes that are tired and wet and still impossibly beautiful no matter what.
I look at her and for a moment I feel a little sad. Actually more than a little. But I let her continue.
"Masako's father...he and I had a real bad breakup. I don't feel anything towards him, not anymore, but...I don't think...I don't know if I can handle another relationship right now. That aside, you're not a bad guy to be with...but...I think it'd be best if...I had more time."
I nod. "That's fair."
"Let me think about it a little more. You'll have your answer by...," she thinks for a little. "Payday came early."
"What—?"
"Huh—?"
There's a light slapping sound that's ringing out in the room and we turn to it; there's an envelope on the coffee table across from Kana's couch and looming over both myself and Kana is Kana's mother. Smiling at us both and for once it's not a sly smile nor a scary smile but it's a genuine warm motherly smile that I haven't seen out of anyone in a long time.
Kana and I watch as Kana's mother leaves us both in the living room to our fates, as Kana herself grabs at the envelope and sees what's inside.
Two tickets to Destiny Land.
Kana's hand shakes as she rises up from the couch and calls out to her mother, "M-Mom, I—!"
"You like him, too," Kana's mother says, which makes both of our faces unabashedly red. "Do you really want him to be just a friend?"
I turn to Kana. And she's not looking at me. She's looking at the tickets in her hand and she's buried her face in her scarf again. Kana's mother treads up the stairs.
Kana now looks at me as I purse my lips. We both turn away from each other almost immediately after, rubbing at the backs of our heads. It takes what feels like an eternity to meet each other's gaze again. Her face is scarlet and my face is blood-red and we're both nervous and flustered and we're so embarrassed we could die but we don't want to be anywhere other than by each other's side.
Kana stares at me, then turns to her tickets, then stares at me again. "Would you...?"
I nod, "Yes. I...I would like to, very much."
Her face for like the thousandth time today gets buried in red as she asks, "Are you...free this Friday?"
"Well, yeah. But...as for the tickets, I think we'd be better off going on Christmas."
She's beet red, eyes wide, "Ch-Christmas?"
I see face her now, suppressing everything that tells me to run in embarrassment. "I-I think that's for the best."
"R-right, I...yeah."
"I'll be free by then, no studying to do to pass the time anyway—"
"I think that's the best time considering Mom'll be home that day—"
And we shut up because we're talking over each other and then she chuckles at how stupid we're acting.
Unable to bear this any longer I gather my bag and rush to the door, exclaiming, "I-I'll see you then!"
"You too!" Kana cries out in something like joy.
And I leave her house. And I feel like I'm on cloud nine.
.
.
.
Even though it is raining and it is raining very hard I just don't care anymore because I'm hanging out with Kana Kohaku on Christmas and she looks and acts and talks like she actually is not opposed to the idea of being with me, to the idea of being in a relationship with me, to the idea that she and I could be something together and the world and everyone in it doesn't matter in the slightest.
Joy. When has it been since I've last felt joy. When in this nothing life of mine have I sincerely felt good at interacting with another human being. When in this non-existence of mine have I ever felt as good as I do now? I wanna buy things for her, wanna eat cotton candy, win games, go on ferris wheels and amusement park rides, I wanna go out there in the world with her and experience everything, the rain on our hands, the wind in our hair, the sun hitting our faces, the everything this incredible planet has to offer and I don't ever ever wanna stop.
Then my phone buzzes.
Then I get down from the lamppost. I open my phone, fearing it's my father, fearing it's Kana,
fearing what kind of message would this be and hoping it won't destroy anything that's happened this delightful evening.
Instead I get the opposite, Kana having written out a text saying I Can't Wait for Christmas. :) and I can't help but smile, in the pouring rain. I can't help but wait for the next three days to be over. I can't help but for once in my life to be happy.
And I can't help but notice the little red icon that's popped up at the bottom of my phone.
I click on it to see what its name is, and I'm greeted with three words that just sound incredibly strange when paired up together:
「 VORTEX WORLD NAVIGATOR 」
I try dragging the icon into the trash bin of my phone, figuring it's nothing at all but some app I got over my various ventures on the internet. But it won't react to my fingertips. It doesn't budge. Other icons do, other apps get deleted when I drag them to the bin, but not this one. This one doesn't move. Like it doesn't want to.
So I decide to leave it for another day. I think about Kana. I think about what we'll do when Christmas comes, I think about how amazing it'll be for the both of us, and I hope that in the end she'll just say Yes.