It was on my sixth week that tragedy struck.
I had progressed well under Rel's watchful eye. He had carried out the duties of a squire admirably, giving me valuable advice such as "keep chopping," "chop harder," and "chop faster." Clearly, I'd have been lost without him.
The strength gains stacked up quickly.
You have gained 1 strength.Current strength: 13
Now, I don't want to sound big-headed or anything, but 13 strength made me a pretty big deal. I was so strong that I could actually pick the trees up after I'd chopped them down. And those trees were big fuckers. Fifty metres at least… give or take.
And then… a whole week went by without another strength gain. And then another. My days of becoming stronger by hitting trees with an axe were at an end.
A great sadness fell over me. It felt like I had lost something very important. The axe had become like another limb, and let's face it – who wants to lose an arm or a leg? Rel and I pondered the issue one evening, and I was as grateful as ever for his wisdom and guidance.
"Are you sure you're swinging the axe hard enough?" he asked as he munched away on one of my green sludge bars. The little guy seemed to have taken a liking to them.
"Yes, I'm sure I'm swinging it hard enough," I said.
"Hmm…" said Rel, before falling into a reflective silence.
As he sat there bathed in the light of the fire, he looked rather wise. The green sludge sticking to his teeth only ruined the image slightly.
"Aha! I've got it. You're not gaining strength anymore because it's too easy." He stopped talking, so I looked up to see what the issue was. He looked rather smug.
I sighed. "Oh, great Squire Rel," I said, laying it on thick. "Please impart upon this lowly knight your most profound wisdom."
"That's better," he chirped. "It's too easy because you're using the right tool for the job. Think about it. Axes are good for cutting down trees. If you want to challenge yourself, use something that isn't the right tool for the job."
I stared at him, eyes wide and mouth hanging open slightly.
"You're…" I began, before scooping him up. "You're a genius!"
We danced around the room. Rel looked outraged at being manhandled, but I could tell that – very deep down – he enjoyed it. Okay… very, very deep down.
And that was how phase two of my training began… inspired by the wisdom of a squirrel.
The next morning, Rel led me deeper into the forest than I'd ever been before. He'd assured me - on squire's honour - that there were some 'super special trees' that would help me with my training.
The super special trees turned out to be some absolutely beefy fuckers, twice the diameter of the ones near the cabin, that were made of a naturally harder wood. Imagine a normal tree that had spent years abusing steroids. Its heart might be a ticking timebomb, but the results were undeniable. Live fast, die young, old buddy.
I grinned evilly at the tree that stood before me as I raised my new tree-conquering tool… a knife.
"Well, my friend," I said, patting the trunk consolingly with my other hand. "You've lived a good life here in this forest, doing important things like not moving and giving birds somewhere to sit, but now you are going to make the ultimate sacrifice in service of the worthiest of causes…"
I chopped. The wood splintered… slightly.
"Yes!" I roared, so loudly that a bird perched on the branch of a nearby tree squawked furiously as it flew off to find a quieter place to sleep. I'd yet to meet a talking bird in this place, but I imagine that had it been capable, it'd have called me an inconsiderate prick as it left.
So began round two of my training. It appeared that whatever system managed stats approved of my new technique, as the strength gains soon started rolling in again.
You have gained 1 strength.Current strength: 17
It was during this period that I made another exciting discovery… strength was not the only stat to exist!
It all started like any other day. There I was, chopping like a madman with my trusty knife, when the vibrations from my outrageously powerful swings shook a branch loose from the topmost regions of the tree. It had a long way to fall. Straight onto my head.
As I stood there in a very manly way, not swearing or dancing about in pain, I received a very pleasant surprise.
You have gained 1 durability.Current durability: 2
Durability? I could become stronger and tougher?
After I spent a few moments pondering how much of a pussy I must have been in my previous life, what with my initial strength and durability level of 1, I turned my attention to considering how my training schedule could be adjusted to account for this wonderful new opportunity.
I enlisted the help of my trusty squire, who seemed worryingly excited at the prospect of preparing a new training regime. I soon discovered why.
Over the weeks that followed, as I continued chopping down trees with sheer bloody-mindedness, Rel embarked on an epic quest of his own: to cause me pain in increasingly creative ways. He claimed it was all for my own good, but honestly, I was a little disturbed by how much pleasure he seemed to derive from it. Who knew squirrels could be so sadistic?
It all started innocently enough. A rock to the face here, a bite on the ankle there, but Rel soon grew bored of such mundane approaches. He tripped me so I fell into the fire in our cabin, he distracted me as a tree I'd just cut down was falling so that it landed on me, he somehow managed to find a bear-like creature and convince it to maul me.
While his motives were questionable, the results were not. After just a few weeks of our new routine, I was turning into a bit of a monster… if I do say so myself.
Current strength: 21Current durability: 12
It was as I was admiring my monstrous stats that a thought occurred to me. The Leaderboard! In all the excitement of becoming a god among men, I'd completely forgotten about checking the Leaderboard. It should be active!
Rubbing my hands together gleefully, I imagined the Leaderboard opening, and it appeared before me. My face fell as I cycled through each of the categories.
Acquired wealth: I was at the bottom of the list. Reputation and influence: I was at the bottom of the list. Kill score: I was at the bottom of the list.
There were even some other random categories that must have been decided by the 'panel of experts' the robot had mentioned.
Fashion sense: I was at the bottom of the list.
Bottom? I looked down at my beautiful peasant garb and then reached up to run a hand through my glorious beard. These aliens had no clue what style was. My outrage at my appalling rankings was pushed to the side as I looked at the last remaining category: total stat gains.
I was third!
"Why are you making that noise?" interrupted Rel, concern and pity warring on his face.
I froze. Without realising, I had broken into my best impression of an evil laugh. I cleared my throat.
"Rel, my old pal, I don't want you to feel intimidated by me…" I began, leaving a little pause for dramatic effect. "But you're in the presence of the man who holds #3 on the Leaderboard for total stats."
It must have slipped my mind to mention that the other categories existed.
"Only third? Clearly we need to take your training to the next level," replied Rel with a judgmental humph.
Only third? The little shit. Wait… the next level? That did not sound good.