i searched for the man
who lives the life
i destroyed.
not because he's better looking.
not because he's taller.
but because
he became the man
i was too afraid to be.
he plays guitar.
the same careless way,
the same fingers
finding chords in the dark.
he listens to bon iver
like the world ended already.
he watches the films
you once said felt like breathing.
it was unbearable—
how familiar he was.
like watching myself
in a universe
where i wasn't a coward.
there was a video of you.
you weren't even doing anything.
just sitting beside him,
existing.
and still—
he looked at you
like you were the reason
he believed in god.
he moved the camera
just to keep you in frame.
just to make sure
you wouldn't disappear.
i remembered the day
you did.
you crashed your car
trying to meet me.
and i didn't come.
i didn't move.
i didn't run.
i didn't even call.
i just sat there,
pretending i wasn't the reason
you were bleeding somewhere.
and now,
he holds you
like he knows
how close he is
to losing you.
and i hate him for it.
not because he took you from me.
but because he loves you
the way i never did—
when you were still mine
to lose.