I am Hikaru Itsuka, an eighteen-year-old who has just started attending a certain university. I studied relatively hard, but unfortunately, I failed to get into my first-choice school. As a result, I am starting my new life at a safety school.
An ordinary female college student found anywhere—that's me. A round face, brown bob hair. I've simply adopted whatever people recommended as "trendy." I don't stand out; I don't make waves.
"Philosophy, huh..."
A philosophy class chosen solely for credit acquisition. My schedule didn't match my friends', so I ended up heading to the classroom alone.
"Is that man standing there the teacher?"
Standing at the lectern was a teacher who, how should I put it, lacked any sense of vigor. He was tall but skinny as a rail.
Inoffensive short hair and a faint face. A blue shirt and black slacks—a bland appearance I would likely forget by tomorrow.
"Tomaru Tamaniwa. Apparently, that's my name. Nice to meet you."
After a while, the teacher began to speak. Apparently? I wondered if he was kidding. Even though names are determined from the start, the arrangement of the characters looked just like a pen name. It was doubtful whether it was his real name at all.
"Now then, let me announce the theme of today's class."
The teacher began writing characters on the large blackboard. Holding a somewhat nostalgic stick of white chalk, he let the letters race across the board. Powder danced in the air, and a dry tap-tap sound echoed through the classroom.
[It is impossible to prove that you are not special. A double negative means you are special.]
The moment the strange sentence appeared, the atmosphere in the classroom changed. The students' eyes were glued to one spot. No one had ever met a teacher who said such things.
"As expected of Japan; it's too quiet here. In some countries, jeers or crumpled paper would be flying at me for stating the obvious."
The teacher jokingly struck a boxing guard pose. Inwardly, I laughed just a little.
"To begin with, does anyone here think they are special? Are you convinced that you are a wonderful existence just as you are? If everyone is, I'll teach a different theme."
The classroom fell silent at his question. Not a single person replied or showed a reaction. It was like a warehouse full of mannequins.
"How about you?"
A male student was looked at, but he shook his head.
"Then, you?"
Next was a female student with long hair. She looked confused, muttered, "I wonder..." and looked away.
"Doesn't seem like it."
The teacher looked around the classroom and muttered, "For better or worse, just as I predicted."
"Hmm, in that case, let's debate with someone."
The teacher began to prowl around the classroom. The hard clack-clack of his shoes echoed in the quiet space. The air felt as if it were trembling slightly.
"The victim for this round is... you."
Eventually, the teacher stopped in front of me and declared it. I gulped.
"Well then, Itsuka-kun. Let's begin."
"Eh? How do you know my name?"
"Did you take those clothes to the cleaners recently? The customer tag is still stuck on them."
My face went bright red as I ripped the tag off and shoved it into my pocket. I was humiliated, but thanks to that, my nervousness eased a little.
"Do you feel that you are special?"
He looked like an unimpressive person. However, the color of his eyes was deeper than anyone I had ever met, and I couldn't look away once our eyes met.
"I... don't particularly believe I am special."
"Why is that?"
"Because there are plenty of people who are superior to me. Whether in appearance, academic ability, or anything else."
"Right. When you compare, there's always someone above you. I totally get it."
The teacher nodded several times. The movement was as if he were chewing over his own memories. I thought, He looks like a chicken, and the tension left my shoulders.
"Is everyone else the same?"
Here and there, students nodded silently. I was relieved that I wasn't isolated.
"But why do you compare yourself to others?"
"That's..."
"Because you've been brainwashed by the world, haven't you? Told that you are worthless if you aren't superior to others."
"Brainwashed..."
"For example, suppose you had incredible abilities, became a big shot, and looked down at the crowds from the top floor of a tower mansion. At that moment, would you be able to feel proud of yourself from the bottom of your heart?"
"..."
I couldn't answer, but I understood that looking down on others probably wouldn't make me very happy.
There are many pitiful people in this world who face unreasonable hardships, and I know I already have a better life than them. But that never made me feel fulfilled.
"Changing the subject, do you have any important friends or family?"
"Well, yes..."
"If one of them died, could you just pick up a new human from somewhere? Like from a baby hatch?"
"What!?"
Driven by rage, I clenched my fists. To think there was a teacher in this world who would say something so rude.
"What are you saying?! There's no way they could be a replacement!"
"Even if it was an incredibly talented child? Even if they grew up to be far superior to your acquaintance?"
"That's enough! Do you have no heart!?"
"So, that means there is no human who can replace your precious people. No matter how superior they are."
"That's obvious!!"
I thought about reporting him. Posting his remarks on social media might be a good idea, too.
"That means those people are special, right? Even if they are inferior to others in terms of ability."
"Of course they're special!"
"Then we have a counter-example."
"Counter-example...? You really are..."
I made an angry expression that said, "What do you think humans are?" but the man in front of me didn't flinch.
"But I wonder why? Can you tell me?"
"You..."
My guts were boiling at his utter lack of delicacy. However, I regulated my breathing and somehow suppressed the impulse.
"Because there are accumulated memories and love! They can't be replaced by anything!"
"I see. So what makes a person truly special isn't their deviation score or number of followers. At least, not to you."
"!!"
"In that case, you were fixated on ability earlier, but actually, you don't need that kind of thing, do you?"
I gasped, realizing it. Lately, I had been caught up in the idea that social value was everything, but a strong doubt had been cast on that fixed idea.
"By the way, can the elements you listed be reproduced if one makes an effort? Like a standardized test?"
"It's impossible, obviously!"
"Love might actually be like parameters. Like in a game, if you greet someone, it goes up by one. If so, couldn't it be simulated?"
"It's not that simple! Humans each have individuality, and individual memories and connections! As if you could imitate that!"
The back of my throat burned with pain. I had been shouting for a while now. I worried that people might gather because of the noise.
"Hmm. Let's summarize the discussion so far."
The teacher returned to where the blackboard was and quietly ran the chalk across it. 'Between precious people, there are connections that cannot be reproduced, such as love and memories. Therefore, they are special.'
"Just to confirm, there is no mistake in this opinion?"
The teacher walked slowly again, coming right up to my seat.
"None!"
I answered with a pout. I couldn't concede on this answer alone.
"Then, it's your turn next."
The atmosphere of the place changed suddenly. The mood from before vanished, and I was assaulted by the sensation of being dragged into a deep sea.
"Are you an irreplaceable person? You must prove it using what you just spat out. That is the proposition."
I wanted to run away. Not only was the person in front of me creepy, but I had no confidence that I could endure the Q&A that was about to begin. But my legs were heavy as lead, and I couldn't move.
"You mustn't look away, Itsuka-kun. This is a class for you, for all of you, to be special. For now, and for ever."※※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
—Lately, I've been thinking I have no significant reason to exist. In my childhood, I could believe that just breathing was enough. Because the people around me loved me until they were sick of it.
—But as I got older, I started getting scolded: "Study," "Make an effort," "Act properly." I was told that people who cause trouble won't be taken seriously.
—I don't think those teachings are bad. It's wrong to be overly dependent on others even as an adult. But now, I feel that ideology is too strong.
—That there is no place for humans who cannot produce results. To the extent that some commit crimes against innocent people.
—Even if one's ability is low, it should only mean that the quality of food or housing drops. Why do we reach the idea that we should "just disappear"?
※※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
"Now... I wonder why you, why all of you, have come to think of yourselves as not special. Did the adults around you steadily strip away your confidence?"
"I don't want to tell a rude person like you."
"Then when will you spit it out? Are you going to go on living holding that grudge forever?"
I was assaulted by the sensation of something cold crawling up my spine. Just as this person said, I would continue to be eaten away by a nameless disease forever. That conviction-like premonition wouldn't leave my head.
"Just say it. If you hate me, you don't have to come to class ever again. Philosophy isn't compulsory, is it?"
Something burst deep in my chest. Like gunpowder stuffed into the depths of my heart exploding.
"...There is an event I remember well."
—Itsuka is getting carried away, isn't she? Even though she's not that great.
—That was in high school. I overheard a classmate saying that.
"No matter what adults said, inwardly I could rebel. But when someone from the same class said it, something broke."
—Since then, I came to hate standing in front of people. I became afraid of having individuality.
"I didn't jump out to stand out. I thought if I worked hard, others could work hard too. I thought if I took on a challenge, everyone else could fight too."
I grit my teeth in frustration, and my eyes grew moist. Less than a month had passed since my university life began. I had no great history in this place, so what on earth was I doing?
"For you, who values connections with people and memories, rejection from a peer in the same situation was more painful than anything."
"..."
"But the number of people in your class was, at most, a few dozen, right? Compared to the total population, that's less than one in a hundred million. It's practically zero, equal to nothing."
"That's why! Why can you only make judgments like a machine?"
"Don't be hasty. I don't want to claim it's meaningless."
I wanted to say It's the way you say it that's bad, but I gave up. It's useless to say anything to this person.
"Rather, I was relieved. That a tiny amount of approval is sufficient. We can shift the perspective."
"What do you mean?"
"In that case, I just have to keep recognizing your value, the value of all of you. No matter what anyone else says."
"Huh?"
His character changed so much that I doubted my ears. He shouldn't have been such a passionate creature.
"But that contradicts what you said earlier, doesn't it? The trouble is, you and I just met today, and there's nothing to dig up."
Naturally. I only have the impression that this person is a rude man, and there is no trust. Or rather, to be blunt, he's the type I hate.
"But can't memories be added later? If it's for the purpose of believing you are unique and affirming your existence, isn't such a thing unnecessary right away?"
"..."
I sort of understand what he wants to convey, but I still can't handle this person. Our ways of thinking are different from the root.
"Besides, I have love. Through certain love, I will demonstrate that you are irreplaceable, precious existences. Even if you lose confidence, I will continue to support you. I think, therefore you are."
"I can't believe it. To be told by a stranger that he has love. It's gross."
"That's right. However, even if the days we've spent together are nil, I'll manage somehow. That is precisely the reason I have studied and continued to live until today."
The wind blowing in from the classroom window shook my not-so-long hair violently. I felt as if the outlines of everything began to look slightly distorted.
"First, let me state a fact about you. You are Japanese."
"...So what?"
"Japanese passports currently allow visa-free entry to over a hundred countries. First, I want you to acknowledge this. That you are thought of as 'allowed to come' and 'allowed to live' by this wide world."
Did I cross something, just a little? I felt as if the confined version of myself had stepped over a fence.
"But I have no intention of leaving Japan at this moment."
"What I wanted to say is, first, I want you to broaden your perspective. And, it's an introduction to my real experience that I'm about to tell."
"Real experience?"
"On the third day of a trip to a certain Asian country, I was suddenly kidnapped."
"!!"
"Luckily I managed to escape, but my phone and wallet were stolen. I couldn't even grasp my current location."
"You weren't welcomed by foreign countries at all..."
"There are abduction cases in Japan too. Like dark part-time jobs or special fraud."
"That's... true, but."
The number of cases would be different by orders of magnitude, but it's not an impossible story domestically. There is a danger that such a nightmare could visit suddenly in some corner.
"Before I knew it, I was in a wasteland, and the only things I saw were stray dogs. I thought it was the end."
I became unable to say anything. Just for this moment, I felt pity even for this person.
"At that time, I was in despair over human relationships and lethargic. Then came this further blow. I thought it might be easier to die."
It seems even this teacher had such a period. I felt a further sadness spreading deep in my chest.
"As I was lying on the dry soil, a couple walked up from somewhere with their daughter and son. They spoke to me with smiles and gave me food."
"That's good, isn't it?"
"What they handed me were breadcrumbs with teeth marks on them. I couldn't laugh. Though, I didn't care about anything anymore."
"No way..."
"But actually... to them, those leftovers were a feast."
"Eh?"
"After that, they told me to follow them. When I went, it was in a terrible state. Just a tin house full of holes near a garbage mountain and a small chicken coop."
"..."
"There, they provided me with drinking water and a place to sleep. Saying, 'See you tomorrow.' Can you believe it? Even though they had no guarantee they would be safe tomorrow themselves."
I looked down and shook my head.
"That family probably didn't have any great skills. But none of that mattered. To me, they were special; they were everything. There was something there that made me feel I wanted to overcome any hardship and walk again."
I felt the inner corners of my eyes becoming hot. In my heart, which was like a barren land, I felt a small something sprout.
"Itsuka-kun... If you, if everyone saw someone collapsed somewhere like I was, what would you do?"
"I-I would help them!"
Looking around, the other people were also nodding quietly. Except for me, no one spoke a word, but it seems there are still good-natured people left in Japan.
"Then you are a source of pride. To me, and to the world."
Unable to endure it, my eyes welled up. Tears didn't spill over, but it might have been obvious to anyone's eyes that I was trying to suppress them.
"They exist in the world. People who hold no doubts about sacrificing others. I do not feel that such people are treasures."
The teacher took a slow breath and continued his words. They carried something like determination.
"But you... you all wish for the happiness of others and can continue to desire to help someone. In that case, you can surely become special. No, you are already special people to me."
"...Are we really special? I feel like I'm going to be a below-average human resource."
"If you aren't needed by society, you suspect your confidence is worthless. Conversely speaking, that is proof that you are a kind, kind human being. Just for that, you can live with your chest high."
"But I have no confidence. Because there are many people greater than me."
I squeezed my voice out. It became a scratchy, tearful voice like a child throwing a tantrum.
"What is the definition of 'great'? How much do you have to earn to be great? How many 'likes' do you need to be respectable? Even if those things are zero, I am looking forward to the tomorrow where I can meet you all more than anything."
The teacher's voice was quiet, but it carried a definite heat. A heat that gradually lit a fire.
"For other people, is your existence a misfortune? are you a person who cannot even give peace of mind to your precious people?"
"That alone is wrong! Absolutely!"
The tears overflowed. Under my eyes, which were already dyed red, became even deeply crimson, and drops wet my cheeks.
"Can I... live to illuminate someone's tomorrow?"
"Obviously. Because you are special."
The teacher answered without a moment's hesitation, looking at me with a serious face. Being looked at with such a face unexpectedly, I trembled even more because I wasn't mentally prepared.
"It doesn't matter what anyone else says. I determine that you, who wish for no one to be hurt until today and from now on, are irreplaceable humans. I don't give a damn about others' opinions."
Where on earth did the figure of the teacher acting frivolously go?
"According to Adler, all worries stem from interpersonal relationships. In that case, I will continue to affirm you all. And when it is painful, remember that I am waiting for you."
Please don't look at me with serious eyes. You weren't supposed to be a serious person.
"If I'm gone, is it the end? You don't need to think about that. Even if this life runs out, the will never disappears."
The old gears that should have rusted and finished their role began to turn again within my chest.
"Someone, try citing counter-evidence. Try it if you can. It's impossible, because this is my world."
※※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
It was an event about ten years ago. I, a primary school student, was walking to school alone. Walking through a town that had turned into a ghost town, an unusual object suddenly reflected in the corner of my vision.
"Are you okay!?"
An old man was collapsed on the roadside as if he had run out of strength. I ran up and called out to him.
"Oh... I lost consciousness again."
I hurriedly took out my smartphone. It was something my parents had given me "in case something happened." With trembling fingers, I pressed 119 and held it to my ear.
I tried desperately to convey the situation, but my explanation was faltering. Still, the paramedic was calm, listened to the information about the buildings visible around us, and somehow managed to pinpoint our location.
"An ambulance is coming soon!"
"I'm okay now. You're on your way to school, aren't you?"
The old man was staring at my backpack, which was hanging open.
"I'll stay with you! Because I'm worried."
"...I see."
We sat side by side on an old bench we found by chance. I heard later that this person had collapsed outside many times. He himself realized he didn't have long.
"It's worth trying to live a long life. To meet such a kind child."
However, he gave me a cheerful smile that didn't let me feel the shortness of his remaining time.
"That's saying too much."
"It's not saying too much. I was preceded in death by my wife, and lost my son's couple and all my grandchildren in an accident."
"!!"
Silence flowed for a while. Eventually, the old man gently looked up, gazed at the sky, and began to mutter.
"I was a lonely survivor, but..."
The old man slowly turned his face toward me. He gently reached out and patted my head.
"Thank you, for letting me live. For being born."
※※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
Now, that memory revived. As if something was breathing life back into it.
"I can become special... right? I can become a human whom someone wishes to live, right?"
While messing up my face with tears, I asked desperately.
"Ah. I have no certain evidence to deny that."
Again, our eyes met. I felt that something that couldn't be expressed in words overlapped between the two of us.
"Therefore, the proof is complete (Q.E.D.). It is impossible to prove that you, that all of you, are not special."
Was that really a proof? It felt emotional, based on subjective experience, and not structured properly. But... to me, it was more beautiful and more brilliant than any other proof.
So, I stood up. And I clapped my hands, clap, clap, in a foolish manner. I was the only one clapping. But that didn't matter. Because I am special.
"By the way, this isn't a confession of love to you or anything."
"I-I know that!"
My face turned red. I was surprised at myself for tentatively recognizing this person as a member of the opposite sex.
"I did a similar dialogue with a boy, and as a result, a doujinshi was sold somewhere without my permission. I bought it, though. For 500 yen."
"I didn't ask!!"
The teacher smiled with a chuckle. Isn't that the first time I've seen his smile?
"Well then, today's class ends here. Be careful not to drink too much. I love you, everyone."
Mouthing lines that made the listener embarrassed, the teacher waved his hand flutteringly and left. As he left, I think he muttered, "Go visit your parents once in a while."
By the way, there were still ten minutes left in the class time, but apparently, he left early on his own accord.
※※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
The following week. I was in the same classroom at the same time on the same day. I was mortified and didn't want to come, but I attended.
"Huh?"
Standing at the lectern was a completely unknown person. A white-haired man wearing glasses and a crisp suit. The figure of a typical university professor.
"Um... where is the teacher who taught the previous class?"
Thinking nothing of it, I rushed up and asked that question. No, really, I don't know why.
"Ah, he was just a substitute for that one time. He's probably at another university... no, in a different country by now. Wearing sun-faded jeans and carrying a backpack full of stitches."
"W-Where is he now!?"
"We haven't grasped that. He's elusive."
"Even though he said he was looking forward to the tomorrow where he could meet us more than anything..."
The real instructing professor smiled, saying, "Haha, he's irresponsible, isn't he?"
"He constantly drives himself to the limit and continues to ask what the root of humanity is. Surely, he will never reach a conclusion, though."
"...Hah, what a hopeless person."
I chuckled. That person is definitely a social misfit. He has strong points, but he is full of defects. Even so, to me, he was special, a person I could wish to continue living.
Perhaps, he taught me with his own body that humans are fine just like that. No, that's probably thinking too much, maybe.
...Actually, several years later, through a strange twist of fate, I became his assistant. But that is a story for another time.