After dropping Benjamin home, Wren found himself alone in his cold and empty flat. When it was time to lay down to sleep, he found himself sitting on the couch in his living room.
"Atlas…"
I miss you… Do I still have enough tears left to cry after all these years? Have I already cried enough to fill an ocean?
Wren sat back against the couch, crossing his left leg over his right. He propped his chin up with his right hand. The memories he had tucked away in the deepest corners of his mind were resurfacing now, one by one, like a film montage, scene after scene. And now, there was no stopping it. There was an unbearable lightness in his chest, as if his heart had been swallowed by the images playing before him.
"He… he reminds me of you… So much…" Wren told the empty room, pausing as more memories of his past flashed back.
The corners of his lips turned up into a faint, sad smile and he nodded to himself. "He even shares your name…" He said softly.
"If you met him, I'm sure you'd be fond of him. You'd be good friends. I'd be the jealous one, watching you both from the corner of my eyes. Knowing him, he wouldn't even have to make a move. He just– he just draws people in. Just like you."
"The only thing is..." Wren said, nodding slowly to himself. "He's an omega."
Wren let out a dry chuckle. "Ironic isn't it?"
He paused. "A person's secondary gender doesn't matter. I know that. We both know that. It's just... Knowing that he's an omega..." Wren shook his head in disbelief as his voice trailed off.
"Am I cursed? What could I have possibly done to… to have brought all of this upon us?" He whispered into the dark, empty room, his voice heavy with a quiet desperation.
I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. It will never be enough. Whatever I say, whatever I do… it will never be enough.
Wren choked back a sob. He laid his head back, facing the ceiling, and closed his eyes.
This life— in this life… Even if I gave all of it... I could never repent enough.
Maybe, perhaps, maybe if there is a next life, I'll come find you... So, if you're there already, I hope you'll wait for me.
Wren let out a solitary, rueful chuckle. Will you forgive me?
Wren shook his head, a small grin forming on his tear-stained face.
If Atlas hadn't changed, Wren knew the answer would be 'yes' before he even asked. He could almost see it. Atlas sitting on this very couch, looking into his eyes as he knelt before him. Atlas would take his hands and hold his face, and gently kiss his forehead. He'd say, "The past is in the past, Wren. As long as you're a better person today than you were yesterday, does the rest even matter?"
You're wrong, Atlas. That– that can never be forgiven. I'll bear the weight of it all. The atrocities, the shame, the guilt. All of it. If there is a next life, I'll carry it there, and into the next one after that.
Wren clenched his jaw, his breaths shaky. Slowly, his breathing steadied.
I just want permission, to be happy… just this once…
Wren shook his head slowly, lingering on each side before swaying his head the other way.
But can I? Do I deserve this? Do I even have the right?
"Only you could hold this hand of mine without spite..." Wren said quietly, placing the back of his hand against his eyes, shielding his face, as a single tear slid down his cheek.
The scenes played on and on, and the memories drifted further back to happier times, finally lulling him into sleep.
** ** ** ** ** **
In the days leading up to the ball, Charles was consumed by an overwhelming restlessness. He still could not muster the courage to confess his engagement to Benjamin.
Meanwhile, Benjamin also had his own share of problems. It began the night he returned from visiting Madam River and Madam Wagner. He hadn't gone for his usual medical rounds, but rather to discuss that he would be gone for two weeks.
His first stop was Madam River's brothel. He had an ulterior motive for visiting . He was going to deliver books requested by several of the attendants. However, books from him were strictly forbidden. Therefore, Benjamin improvised a way to get the books in. He stopped at a bakery first, filling a large basket with an assortment of biscuits and sweet breads to conceal the books hidden at the bottom.
Benjamin had managed to hand off the basket without breaking a sweat. After the exchange, he found his nerves acting up, not for himself, but for the attendants. Madam River had made it clear that if any of the attendants were found with any books from the doctor, no matter what kind of book it was, the punishment would be the lash and lose several days of their earnings.
Despite the severe punishment, he couldn't refuse the attendants' requests for books. He had seen the desperation in their eyes, the hunger to learn and perhaps, one day, break free from this life. With a final, silent wish for their safety, he turned and headed toward Madam Wagner's.
At Madam Wagner's, while sharing tea with the attendants, he overheard the rumors of an Imperial engagement. Word was that the upcoming ball at the Imperial Palace was actually intended for Princess Shirin and Prince Zaid to find potential marriage partners.
The news worried him. What about Charles? Surely he is an eligible suitor.
Benjamin wondered why Charles had remained silent. He must have known. It was then that Benjamin was reminded of Wren's previous warning.
Am I just a temporary placeholder until a more suitable partner is found? Even admitting the thought to himself was painful. Yet, his mind wouldn't stop spiraling through an endless loop of what ifs. These thoughts left him with a dull headache and dizziness as he made his way back to the clinic.
By the time he reached the clinic, the sun had set. When he approached the entrance, the air smelled putrid, making his stomach churn. Fighting the urge to gag, Benjamin pulled up his shirt to cover his nose and followed the odor.
He noticed dark, wet spots on the ground and followed them toward the back of the house, up the stairs, and onto the terrace. As he traced the path, the stains grew larger, taking on a deep crimson hue. A sense of profound unease settled over him. The quiet and dark surrounding suddenly felt eerie.
When he reached the top of the stairs, he saw a cardboard box sitting by the door. It was the source of the leak. He could see that the bottom of the box was soggy and collapsing from the wetness. Benjamin bent down to take a closer look as he could not see clearly in the low light.
Inside lay two dead rabbits, their throats slit. Benjamin bolted down the stairs and hurled. With his heart pounding from fear and a sense of doom, he retreated inside. He collapsed in the corner of his room, sitting with his back against the wall, curled into a ball with his head tucked between his knees.
Who sent it? Why me? He wondered if it was someone tied to his past.
His mind drifted back to the day of his interview at the AMA. The room had been packed with fresh graduates, all sitting anxiously and chattering among themselves. Benjamin had been optimistic then. He was interviewing for a position as a general physician specializing in family planning and hormonal treatments. The interview panelists had called him brilliant, promising to contact all eligible candidates for the next round.
But a week later, he received a direct job offer. He was baffled. He had heard that the interview process was rigorous with multiple panel interviews, yet he had been selected after only one round. As a twenty-year old who had just stepped into the real world for the first time, he felt lucky rather than suspicious.
"A special post?" he had asked.
"Yes," the recruiter replied. "First, you'll need to apply for an AA license. You may only begin working if you're approved for the license. Once you're approved, you will serve as a Medical Officer under a special task force. When the task force is dismantled, we will guarantee you a position of your choice. Furthermore, you will be exempt from your Zephyrian military service."
"Can I know the details of the work? Will I be required to travel?"
"Yes, travel will be required. Unfortunately, I can't provide further information, not until you accept and sign the work contract. But, I can tell you that the AMA will provide for your every need during and after this assignment."
"How long do I have to decide?"
"Until you walk out that door."
It felt like a great opportunity. He would gain the experience needed and get to travel. When he asked why he had been chosen, the recruiter told him he was the ideal candidate based on his panel interview and recommendation letters.
Back in the present, Benjamin scoffed at the memory. It had been too good to be true. Tears began to roll down his face. He wasn't sure if he was crying from fear, or if he was just exhausted—exhausted from all the years he had spent running and hiding. He broke into sobs.
"Ben? Ben, is that you?!"
Charles stood in the doorway. At the sight of him, Benjamin recalled the rumors about the engagement. Then he thought about their impossible relationship, one a prince and one a runaway. He shook his head, trying desperately to stifle his crying, but he couldn't stop.
Charles rushed to him, pulling him into a tight embrace. "Ben... You look terrible. What's wrong?"
Benjamin stood up abruptly, his eyes bloodshot. "I need to wash up," he said, and left the room.
Benjamin stood under the shower longer than he had intended. He squeezed his eyes shut, but it didn't help. The smell of the the butchered rabbits was still there, clinging to the inside of his nose no matter how hard he tried to breathe past it. Blood had a way of doing that—it followed you.
Then it came, the way it always did when his guard was down.
Small bodies. Still. Scattered across the floor. The smell of blood was the same. It was always the same.
He pressed his fist against his mouth.
He didn't know how long he sat there on the floor of the shower sobbing. Only when his hands had gone numb did he finally reach up and turn off the water.
While the shower ran, Charles noticed the smell of rotting meat. He followed the smell to the terrace and pushed the door open. There, he saw the box soaked with blood and the butchered rabbits. His eyes darkened and his body tensed as adrenaline rushed through his body. He was on high alert. Someone had targeted Ben's home. Someone had targeted Ben.