~Soutarou POV, two days later~
As the third ANBU member of the day finally left Soutarou alone and stopped questioning him, he stared upwards at the white infirmary ceiling in exasperation. Of the many things that happened, in the last two days, the number of ANBU circling around him and monitoring him had him feeling suffocated.
His guard had suddenly gone from two members to a full eight or in other words two full ANBU squads, of two captains and three ANBU members per squad. Fortunately they weren't all operating in the same shift or Soutarou really would have to question that old monkey's work-life balancing of his subordinates. Each squad took a twelve hour shift before swapping out with the other.
'Does the Hokage even have this much protection? That old man is too much… Now I wonder what he'd do if he found out that Naruto and Sasuke are that much more talented than me… Well it's whatever no one realized that Sasuke or Naruto were that monstrous until they were already strong enough that no one could harm them…'
Soutarou sighed heavily for the nth time that day, as he thought about all the ANBU who questioned him, the ninja who came to check on him, or the mountainous pile of get well soon gifts that was stacked right by the bed side.
Worse, he knew he was fine and totally ready to be discharged, but the ANBU kept insisting that he rest in the safety of the Konoha Hospital. So finally Soutarou gave in and for the first few hours after waking up and greeting people when his smile finally got worn out by the continuous usage of his face muscles.
And so Soutarou gave up on the interactions and instead had one of the ANBU get him a bunch of leaves and a large bowl and then had them fill it up with water. Formed a half-dozen shadow clones to take over and just get to it. Hoping that one of them figured out how to instantly evaporate the water from the leaf, and of course later instantly refill it.
As for the clone by the bowl, Soutarou just had it evaporate and condensate the water over and over again. All while he, the main body, half-heartedly stared at them do it. Unfortunately for Soutarou his clones were still him so instead of doing their tasks they just stared at Soutarou until Soutarou huffed and buried himself under the infirmary blanket.
He then said, "I'll get back the memories anyways… Just work hard so I can get a headache if you're that annoyed you have to work while I laze around."
The clones shook their heads and just did their tasks. All while the ANBU watched with awe and a bit of nervousness as Soutarou might honestly cross them in terms of water style mastery based on how quickly he was doing it.
As for Soutarou himself…
Well… To say that he was in a slump would be an understatement. It was that bad. While Soutarou didn't blame himself at all for killing Tetsuro, even swearing that Tetsuro would've done the same to him his heart still remained heavy. The visceral feeling of the sticky blood, the smell of the burnt body, the brain matter that splatter on him, and the very hand that did it. The one that ended a life.
Soutarou deeply sighed again, and thought to himself, 'In my life there were so many philosophical questions and so many who questioned the very value of the world around us… I honestly think most of them were spouting nonsense… But now I understand why they asked so many questions… and there's no doubt about killing… How could it ever be moral?'
'My life or yours. Well I suppose there was that one line from that one TV show… What was it…? "The only acceptable reason to kill… Is to save an innocent life." Ah what a half hearted answer. Yes, it's reasonable. Yes it makes sense I had to kill Tetsuro. No doubt he had to die. It was my life or his… But why do I have to feel this way…'
'This heaviness… This burden… They always say the first is the most difficult, the second a little less, and the third a lot less… I knew this the moment I woke up in this cursed world that supposedly desires peace… That realistically I'd have to kill. No… it's more accurate to say I'd have to create a trail of blood.'
'An endless trail of blood. Yes, that's what it'll end up being. Endless red in my ledger. Haha… I really won't be the same person I am today will I? Just because I selfishly desire power… Just because I desire power I'll become a horrifying person…'
'Do I even see Naori… Naori, the same person I know who'd die for me… As a real person…? Or is she just a name? I even thought about abandoning her in the beginning of that fight. Am I really that selfish…? What about the Uchiha Massacre? I already know it's going to happen, without a doubt…'
'In fact I feel it's going to be worse this time around… Worse how…? The Uchiha Clan is stronger… So the whole plan will be delayed no doubt… And in that time… Itachi… now Naori… and Izumi… my supposed friends… and that guy Shisui too… How would one even go about saving them…?'
'Bring back Tsunade…? No once Hiruzen's and Danzo's failures and crimes get revealed Konoha will be shaken to its very core… The only choice… the only choice is truly to kill off the Uchiha clan and send them on their way as heroes… Not to mention the effect that loss of the Uchiha clan has on Konoha's strength, and the subsequent maintenance of balance of power between the five nations-'
As Soutarou's thoughts spiralled he threw off the blanket and clutched his forehead and in realization and sheer grimness of his line of thought.
'Hahahahaha… I just realized it… Don't I sound pathetic? Sacrifice lives for stability? For peace? A false dream. Peace… Why would that matter to me? When have I ever claimed to be a moral person…? Yes… From the moment I stepped into this world I chose blood. I chose to kill Tetsuro. I chose to set myself on this path.'
'It was inevitable. But truly just like I had to make sure Tsunade would not come back to Konoha too early, just like I allowed the instability within Konoha, just like how I'll probably let the Uchiha clan die. From the day I chose power, something else had to be sacrificed.'
'I suppose that was my morals. I truly wonder what the me who just arrived will see the me who exists in the future as.'
'Still… If I'm as selfish as I claim… Why do I still feel this hesitancy, this desire to save them…? Perhaps kidnapping the Uchiha clan children and Izumi, Naori, and Shisui and turning them into members of my eventual secret organization…-'
'And again… I contradict myself… I said save them… But my real desire. My desire for power shows. Why else would I manipulate Nono Yakushi? Why else would I manipulate the Kabuto Yakushi? Why else would I manipulate Tsunade Senju?'
'Haha… Just from killing one person… Someone who deserved to die. Someone I wanted dead. Someone who threatened something that was-'
'What a dangerous line of thought I'm spiraling towards… Still I suppose something good came out of this… I now know… I'm a power hungry, a desireful man. I shouldn't pretend to be a saint. Hiruzen isn't. Tobirama wasn't. Hashirama despite all of his grandeur as the proclaimed godfather of the half-step towards peace we took was born in an era of blood and most definitely killed enough to put even the worst criminals of the modern Shinobi Era to shame. The only person who could even be somewhat decent in terms of morals in this Shinobi world would have to be future Naruto.'
'I doubt he killed anyone ever… well other than Yura who had his body taken over by that weird projection clone jutsu… But I'm fairly certain that Yura would've died either way… Still the point stands… No one is free of the cycle of endless bloodshed in this world…'
'I need to get over the fact that I killed someone. It was for my interests that's the harsh truth if you pull away the excuses. My life is in my best interest and to protect it I killed Tetsuro. At the sametime… My mentality is worse than I ever thought… Treating others as pawns… Disposable tools. I won't. I can't. So I must bear this burden, yes I killed Tetsuro for a good reason. But he too was a person who had his own reasons…'
'But I killed him to protect mine. And I wasn't wrong. So with that in mind I should step forwards knowing that I'll have to kill to protect my interests, not my morals. But I too need a bottom line. I won't become like Obito, Madara, or Danzo who fell into darkness the way they did.'
'Though in maybe in Danzo's case he was born like that…? Maybe in the womb he was already slamming doors shut and roaring "You'll regret this Hiruzen!" ? Why do I feel like that's actually possible…? Yes some people are naturally born evil, and unlike what old gramps felt it was definitely Danzo who was born evil, not the Uchiha.'
'The Uchiha just had a little too much happy water and decided to take their keys on a drive, sometimes that works out perfectly fine, but most of the time they crash and sometimes they even cause deaths from accidents.'
'Something like that… Heh… Already making jokes… Well… I guess it worked… Because I do feel lighter… and I know the path I have to take. Regardless of whether I want to be moral or just "strong." I have to- No I must have the strength to back it up. What was that saying…?'
'Might is right. Not as in Might Guy is right, but that strength- never mind I'm sure you demons in the back of my mind are telling me to wrap this nonsense up by now… and you're right… I'm done. Now it's time to train. Endlessly. So I can get strong enough that I can decide what the truth must be, what reality should be, the results I want, and this world gets the ending I want.'
Fully hopping out of the bed, Soutarou's clones watched him in amusement knowing the variety of expressions was just him thinking, but it was funny none the less to see someone so deeply self absorbed, even if that someone was just themselves.
The clones shrugged and knowing how lost they tended to get they began focusing on their own tasks again, all while Soutaoru's main body reflected on the fight and sighing in realization of just how many things he'd have to fix and adjust to compensate for his flaws.
Soutarou ruffled his hair in frustration before realizing he wouldn't even be able to leave this damned room, until ANBU cleared him and only then would he be able to leave.
Sighing in deflation of nearly all the mental momentum he'd just built up he just decided to sort through the gifts and write thank you letters.
After about the fourth letter Soutarou to gave up and said fuck it and peacefully went to sleep, though not before blaming Danzo for all of his problems and saying amen.
***Author's Note: Next few chapters are going to be part of another training arc. Expect this to go on, off and on for the next bit mixed in with some slice of life chapters until we reach graduation and genin time. As always thank you for you support, comments, and even critiques (I actually like getting positive criticism so I can improve on my shortcomings). Anyways I digress.
-CloudyRage.***