Chapter 37: The Fifth Buzzer
"Stop! Stop! Stop!" Sheldon finally couldn't stand it anymore and loudly interrupted their argument. "The names you've proposed are either unimaginative, logically incoherent, or utterly tasteless! They're an insult to the art of nomenclature!"
He stood up, resting his hands on the table, and said in a tone fit for announcing a major discovery. "Listen, the only team name that is logical, aesthetically pleasing, and profound is—'Army Ants'!"
Instantaneously, silence fell over the cafeteria table. Howard, Raj, Leonard, and David all stared at Sheldon as if he were an alien creature.
"'Army Ants'?" Howard repeated in an extremely exaggerated tone, then slapped his thigh. "Yes! If we use this name Sheldon came up with, we can bore the other teams to death and win the championship directly! It's practically psychological warfare!"
Sheldon responded to Howard's mockery with a cold snort. "Howard, your sense of humor is like your aerospace component designs—lacking basic structural stability."
Seeing that the argument was about to reach another stalemate, David proposed a solution. "Arguing like this won't get us anywhere. Let's draw straws. We'll write the four names on slips of paper, and whatever we draw, we use. Fair and square."
This suggestion was met with unanimous agreement. Leonard quickly made four paper balls and placed them on the table. In a strange atmosphere of tension, David casually picked up one paper ball and unfolded it.
Written on it was—"Sheldon Is Not On The Team."
Howard looked at the result with disbelief, as if he'd drawn the worst possible lot. "Do we... do we really have to use this team name?"
Although Leonard had suggested the name himself, he was surprised to see it chosen, but he shrugged and said resignedly, "This is the result of the draw. We must abide by the decision of fate."
Thus, amidst Sheldon's protests of "This is sacrilege against nomenclature! This is an abuse of probability!", "Sheldon Is Not On The Team" was officially established.
To prepare for the competition, the four decided to hold their first mock training session at Leonard and Sheldon's apartment on Saturday afternoon. They invited Penny to act as the moderator, because her complete lack of physics knowledge would best simulate the neutral role of the host during the actual competition.
The mock training began, and the atmosphere gradually warmed up. Penny stumbled through reading the past exam questions that Howard had somehow managed to obtain.
"Question one," Penny frowned, struggling to decipher the words, "Briefly describe... the Heisenberg... Uncertainty Principle?"
"The more precisely the position of a particle is measured, the less precisely its momentum can be measured, and vice versa!" Leonard quickly buzzed in.
"Correct!" Penny announced like a real game show host.
"Question two, what is... Schrödinger's Cat?"
"A thought experiment describing a cat in a superposition of being both alive and dead, used to illustrate the absurdity of the Copenhagen Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics in the macroscopic world!" David answered fluently.
"Question three, calculate... uh... the probability distribution of the interference pattern... of a photon... after passing through... a Double Slit?"
Howard immediately picked up his pen and calculated on scratch paper, muttering to himself, while Raj tried to guess using intuition. Both uttered the answer almost simultaneously—of course, due to Penny's presence, Raj whispered his answer into Howard's ear. Although the processes were different, the results were consistent.
At first, Sheldon, sitting on the couch watching Doctor Who with headphones on, maintained forced composure, but when they encountered some obscure or particularly difficult questions, he finally couldn't hold back.
"Good Lord!" Sheldon yanked off his headphones and shouted in a tone of utter distress, "You can't even answer such a fundamental application of the Quantum Tunneling Effect? The answer is the Josephson Junction! If you don't even know that, are you planning to use Schrödinger's Cat to catch mice?"
He rattled off the answer at lightning speed, complete with a precise insult.
Initially, everyone just assumed he was seeking attention and didn't pay him much mind. But as the simulation progressed, Sheldon became increasingly excessive, practically turning into the "Fifth Buzzer," specifically targeting moments when others couldn't react, severely disrupting the training rhythm.
Howard was first to lose his temper. He slammed the buzzer he was holding onto the table. "Sheldon! Can you shut up? We're training!"
Sheldon folded his arms, wearing an expression that said, "I don't want to, either." "I tried to remain silent, but your performance is truly unbearable. I can understand Howard's level, given that he only has a master's degree, but the rest of you—you who possess doctorates—are acting like preschoolers playing 'Guess Who' when faced with basic knowledge. This is torture to my nervous system. I'm correcting you to help you, and you should be thanking me."
Seeing Sheldon's smug, 'I'm the only enlightened one here' expression, and highly displeased that Sheldon had once again mocked him for not having a doctorate, Howard had an idea and spoke slowly:
"Sheldon, I finally understand. The reason you only dare to play hero in our private mock training, buzzing in and enjoying the thrill of crushing us, yet are unwilling to sign up and join our team in the real competition to fight for the championship... the root cause is that you're afraid, isn't it?"
Sheldon bristled like a cat whose tail had been stepped on. "Afraid?! Sheldon Cooper afraid? Howard Wolowitz, I demand an explanation for this preposterous and illogical accusation!"
"Isn't it obvious?" Howard spread his hands. "You're afraid that on the real, public stage, you might encounter opponents better than you, worried that your myth as 'Caltech's Biggest Brain' will be shattered, and worried that failure will tarnish your perfect intellectual record. So, you'd rather hide in a safe corner and gain cheap superiority by interfering with our training."
"Absurd! Ridiculous! Utter nonsense!" Sheldon's face flushed with anger. He leaped off the couch, his finger trembling as he pointed at Howard. "My IQ and knowledge reserves have been rigorously tested and repeatedly verified by facts! Me, afraid of a competition of that level? Fine! Very well! I hereby officially announce that I will register for this year's Physics Bowl! Moreover, I will personally form a team, and the name will be 'Army Ants'! I will defeat you honorably on the official stage, under everyone's gaze, and make you pay the price for your ignorance and arrogance!"
Leonard couldn't help but remind him. "Sheldon, the Physics Bowl requires four people per team. Where are you going to find three other teammates who can tolerate you and meet the eligibility requirements?"
Hearing this, Sheldon scanned the room, his gaze finally landing on Penny, who was eating potato chips. "Penny! You! Join my team!"
Penny nearly choked on her chip. "Me? Sheldon, are you kidding? I can't even tell if 'Heisenberg' is a person's name or a type of beer!"
"Details are irrelevant!" Sheldon waved dismissively. "You just need to fill the roster..."
Leonard interrupted him. "Sheldon, contestants must be current employees or students of Caltech. Penny works at the Cheesecake Factory."
Sheldon paused for a moment, but then immediately flashed a cunning smile, as if he'd seen through everything. "That problem is easily solved. The rest of you, 'Sheldon Is Not On The Team,' just wait to be punished by 'Army Ants' on the competition stage!"
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